Fanfic: No More Piggs

Fanfic: No More Piggs

  1. Karamazov
    Karamazov
    Yep, it's time for a fanfic! This one-shot is based off of No More Heroes, a game in which you climb up the ranks to be a top assassin.

    =====

    She parker her motorcycle and walked to the glorious Victorian-era mansion. She opened the rusty iron gates and knocked on the door.
    She was on a mission.

    Her name was "Commander" Chan Pigg. And she fell into her new situation when she first met a purple-haired boy man at a bar. He offered her power, money, and notoriety. What she really wanted was security, comfort. Especially from this man.
    And so she started fighting for her goal: she would be the world's top shipper. And to do that, she had to climb up the ranks, defeating 10 powerful, dangerous shippers.

    "Hello?" she asked in a deep, husky voice. "It's me, the 11th ranked shipper."
    After a moment, she decided to pull out her beam katana and break the door apart.

    She ventured through the house before searching in the back yard. After searching the forest just outside the back yard, she got a call on her cell:
    "HAVING FUN?" a female voice chuckled.
    "Who are you?!" Pigg snapped. "Are you the 10th ranked shipper?"
    "If I were asked, 'Are you the 10'th ranked shipper?' I will answer for the sake of tomorrow!"

    A woman with flowing magenta hair dropped down from the sky. She landed on her feet, her hands touching the ground.
    "Future! A white future reflects the innocence of romance!" she announced. "Universe! The hammer of justice in a black world!"
    "You're weird," Pigg said, readying her katana.
    "My name will be remembered in this place: destroyer of passion, Musashi! Now gather, under the name of Rocketshipping!"

    A picture of two people - a man with blue hair, and a woman who looked like Musashi - and cat appeared before vanishing.

    "So, Rocketshipping is your domain," Pigg said.
    "And Cafemocha is yours," Musashi said. "Let me tell you something: I ship what is right. You ship because of convenience."
    "That's not true!" Pigg said indignantly. "I ship out of love, too!"
    "Ha! You naive girl! You probably jumped on this ship because it was new and exciting, you'll probably grow bored of it after a while. I, however, stood by my ship for years. I loved it, weathered good times and bad..."
    "Enough!" I said. "You'll end up dead today, just like your ship!"
    "How dare you?!"

    For those who don't know, calling a ship "dead" is one of the worst insults ever. Pigg had crossed a line that day.

    Commander vs Musashi! Fight!

    "Cafemocha power!" Pigg screamed. "That scene in the Pokemon Center in BW006!"
    "Dent only cared for Satoshi's battling talent and how he subverted his expectations," Musashi returned. "Musalina Candy Stab!"

    Musashi pulled out a giant lollipop and smacked Pigg directly in the face. Pigg stumbled back.

    "It's been how many years, yet Rocketshipping isn't canon?" Pigg announced. "1000 Shinji!"

    Pigg shot out dozens of miniature Shinji heads out of her katana. Musashi deflected many of them with her candy, but she heads proved too much for her - she was thust to the floor, pinned down by the heads.

    "Movie 2, movie 2!" Musashi screeched. "Thay 'act love-love all the time!'"
    Pigg laughed. "Cilan feeding Ash in the Venipede episode! Cafemocha will defeat Rocket!"
    "Pigg...before you finish me, know this: all ships are good, so long as they are fueled by love. Believe in your ship, and you'll be able to do anything."
    "What...?"
    "Grr...You're ready..."
    "For what?"
    Musashi got up, hugged Pigg, then fell to the ground. She blew Pigg a kiss before she closed her eyes forever.

    Pigg made a call:
    "Hello?" the purple-haired man asked. "Pigg?"
    "I won," Pigg said stiffly. "I proved that Cafemocha is stronger than Rocketshipping and defeated Musashi."
    "Excellent! You are ranked 10th."
    "Excellent..."
    "You sound...distracted."
    "What? No, I'm fine."
    "Something happened."
    "Bye, sir."
    She hung up.

    In truth, she thought about Rocketshipping: it was motivated by love, and the people who shipped it genuinely cared for it. It was powered by love.
    "I'm a Rocketshipper," she realized. "And that'll help me to be the number 1 ranked shipper. Cafemocha, Coma, and Rocket, these three will help me reach my goal."

    Then Musashi appeared again, and she and Pigg had a dance party.
  2. Yoshi-san
    Yoshi-san
    LOL best fic ever! Write more!
  3. Musashi
    Musashi
    Aside from the lack of a DP117 reference, that was awesome.
  4. Bubble Frog
    Bubble Frog
    Nice job :)
  5. Karamazov
    Karamazov
    Another chapter makes this a two-shot. But no more.



    Chapter 2: YOSHI-SAN

    Pigg was cleaning her new weapon, The Musalina Mk. 117 of any residue left from its former owner. The weapon was hers, alright. And she hoped to use it on her new opponent.

    He was ranked 9th. He had many ships, notable for always changing his identity every month to fit a ship of his fancy. He could assassinate any ship, then change his identity; no would be the wiser.
    And he was lounging in a Lazy Ash chair, right in front of her.

    "Hello, dah-ling!" he said with a great smile. "Come to play a little game?"
    "Cut the crap!" Pigg said, holding her Musalina Mk. 117 in front of her chest. "You know why I'm here."
    "Do I?" he said, raising an eyebrow.
    "I'm here for your rank, and also your head!"
    He looked away and said, "Shipping can be dangerous, no? I've seen civilizations fall because of it. Could you step closer?"
    Pigg warily edged closer. Yoshi-san pressed a button at the side of his chair, and the floor below Pigg opened up and swallowed her.

    Pigg woke up on a stage surrounded by lava. the stage was a few feet above the lava, suspended by chains. Her butt and legs hurt. She really, really hoped she fell on them when she fell.
    She got up and faced Yoshi-san, who parachuted down from the sky.
    "Hello, dah-ling!" he said again. "Like my play room?"
    "Tha lava's heat will kill us both!" I pleaded.
    He scoffed. "Maybe if you're weak!"
    "Yoshi-san, rank 9, I challenge you to a shipper's game!"
    "Hold on to that feeling!" he said gleefuly.

    FIGHT!

    "Ladies first!" Yoshi said politely.
    "I guess that means you start off!" Pigg said cooly. "Ooh, burn!"
    "...You're not a lady?"
    "What?"

    Pigg: -10 points!

    Pigg sliced at him. Yoshi: +1 scar!

    "Sweet lady kisses!" Yoshi said. He winked and blew a kiss at Pigg. The kiss zoomed by and hit her like a bullet.
    "You bitch tits!" Pigg screamed. "Coma Power, tension!"

    Pigg went super.

    "By the power of MSPaint!"

    "What's this?" Yoshi chuckled. "Little girl wants to play dress-up? Time to grow up!"
    "Dressing up the question, so twerpish indeed," Pigg said. "The answer to come as I feel the need!"

    Pigg jumped on Yoshi and added, "Blinging the blinding white light of yaoi into the future! Thrusting the ship of justice onto the black darkness of Ikarshipping! And carving this ship into canon's eternity!"

    "A million little fanfics!" Yoshi screeched. He spat out many papers, each with a personalized fanfic supporting one of his many ships. Pigg dodged them all.
    "Don't get the wrong idea," Pigg said, blushing. "That's what friends are for."

    Yoshi smiled and said, "Yes, friends. Which are what Ash and Misty are more than!"
    "Too bad for Misty...Ash wants to impress his love, Shinji!"
    Pigg plunged her sharp weapon into Yoshi-san, killing him. "Looks like I just sank your ship," Pigg laughed.
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