31st January 2014, 11:19 PM #1
Wild Jessi has appeared!
Would Somebody Listen?
Well I'm finally back from my 3-month hiatus, and that's probably only because I've been feeling so intensely depressed these past few weeks that I wanted to be surrounded by people I knew but didn't know at the same time, y'know what I mean?
I never liked winter... Ever. I know what people are going to say: "well I like winter because you don't sweat, you just shiver" and I get it. That's probably just your preference, but I don't like the cold. I never did. And now that the U.S. is getting all this "record low" temperatures, I couldn't feel more miserable. But yeah yeah, boo hoo, that's winter for you.
But the thing is that I just want to cry. Every day. I know the reason why I feel cold all the time (whether it's winter or not I tend to wear hoodies) is because of how I treat myself, and since it's a colder season that feeling is more pronounced.
Not to mention, it's holiday season and everybody expects me to eat more and I don't want to. I go to my boyfriend and talk to him about it, but I feel like he's getting exhausted of my stupid rants-- And I never had many friends to begin with, though when my few friends do talk to me, I'm usually mother goose. Help them and stay quiet. Be strong. I guess I'm just insecure of ruining what my loved ones think of me...
But yeah... Anyways.. I prefer to weigh in the range where my thighs no longer touch. I don't know if it's just me, but recently I've been feeling my inner thighs graze every now and again and it's driving me insane. Nothing I do seems to help. I even took my mother's weight-loss pills and nothing seems to change. My hair is getting darker and thinner (darker because of the lack of sunshine and thinner because of weight loss I'm assuming), and it's just making me feel like the ugliest person ever. I prefer golden blonde hair, as it is in the summer, but my family won't let me dye my hair until I'm 18 so I'm stuck like this every flippin' winter. I just feel fat and ugly. But no, I don't think I have an eating disorder, but I do know I'm highly self-conscious after a long past of bullying over my appearance.
I even wrote "FAT" all over my left arm in black ink because just thinking it didn't make me feel any better. Writing it made me realize that I am, and I decided that I need to try another diet. Why doesn't anything work?!
My second major issue here is just some dumb stuff in school... Outside of loneliness, since my school is specialized in 4 different career paths (this is not college by the way-- this is some excessively funded high school) as well as a regular diploma. Those are automotive repair, culinary arts, finance, and information technology. At the moment I'm in culinary after being forced by my mother to watch over my older sister, but I want to switch over to automotive repair so badly because I want to become a mechanic after college (jet mechanic, by the way). The thing is that my guidance counselor keeps advising against it because it was a 90-95% boy's class, but I really don't care. It's not that my school is gender-biased, it's just that she's kind of old-fashioned and thinks I'd be in danger surrounded by boys for 45 minute classes. It's so ridiculous, and I get along with boys easier than I do girls anyways.
... It's not like men are animals. I mean really, and I know what to do if I'm ever in some kind of compromising situation. Not that I think somebody would have the audacity to do that in a public school...?
But I'm running out of ideas on how to convince her. I might just stick with culinary and ride it out despite how much I hate it, but it's just not what's making me happy.
My third issue is just things at home.. Poverty line, falling behind on rent, trying to find employment, that kind of stuff..
I don't feel like my family loves me anyways. All they do is talk about the things I do wrong. How I should give up my aviation dreams and go back to animation and art.
Just wish I had friends that weren't thousands of miles away, but I don't mind because it's somebody to talk to nonetheless. I try to make friends locally, but I'm a little timid and everybody talks over me to begin with. So I give up and just listen to them. I don't know if it's because nobody has the patience for somebody as nervous as me, or because I never speak up.
Whether I sound whiny or not, I'm sorry. Go ahead and talk about how much more your life sucks compared to mine and "it could be worse". But I just can't deal with anything anymore. I've been dealing with this crap for years and I'm tired.