To be a parent or not to be a parent?
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Thread: To be a parent or not to be a parent?

  1. #1

    Default To be a parent or not to be a parent?

    Here's the deal, i'm the youngest in a litter of 3 and by this point in time, my older brother and sister have both sired at least one child (three in my sister's case). I've been told that i should do the same to keep the family tree going, as well as to keep my family name alive, seeing as i'm the only remaining male left in the litter (my brother only has a daughter, which means she'd likely change her name if she were to get married and my sister's son already has his father's last name). But, truth be told, i really don't think that i'm parent material, i'm told that i won't know that for sure until i actually am a father, but, even so, i just don't see myself as a parent.

    One of the reasons behind that comes from my (somewhat limited) knowledge of how child birth works; just getting a vivid visualization of how that process works or just visualizing it myself (don't judge me, i really do try to get the images out of my head) repulses me to a degree, so i can't even imagine actually doing it myself (I'm already hesitant to actually form a romantic relationship with a woman). I've considered adoption as a way around all that, but in addition to the legal issues that come with adopting, there's also the matter of me agree with the belief that adopting a child can't replace having one of your own flesh and blood.

    Still though, regardless of how i could get the child, The main issue is how i would raise him/her. I've caught glimpses of how my sister raises her children and the kind of problems that effect both sides and, to be honest, i don't think i could handle any of it. I can't change a diaper without being repulsed, I don't like it when children touch my stuff, there's no way i could deal with having a baby spit up on me, nor could i ever put up with constant crying with no end in sight, and i don't think that i could devote a large amount of time to keeping an eye on my child, which is necessary for any parent. And even if i could handle all of the aforementioned things, i don't think i'm cut out to be an authoritative parent; I've never appreciated having my mother yell at me, punish me and tell me what to do, nor have i ever enjoyed having people being too busy for me and talking down to me because i was younger. I really don't think that i could do that to someone else.


    When it comes down to it, i'm in conflict about this; on one hand, the problems and issues i mentioned make me almost certain that i shouldn't be a parent, but at the same time, when i see how both my siblings both have children and how my cousins all have them as well, i feel sort of left out.

    Any thoughts on this?

  2. #2
    ☭ The Great Uniter ☭ Mißingnåen's Avatar
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    Default Re: To be a parent or not to be a parent?

    Yes, I have thoughts on this. First and foremost, I believe this is a decision that belongs to you and the prospective mother, and only you two. Do not let your family pressure you into doing something that you do not want to do, especially with something so important as raising a child.

    Secondly, I'd say if you have any doubts at all, just wait. I have an older sister so I know what the pressure to match what they have done feels like. You have to realize that you are different from them, and your path in life does not have to be the same as theirs. You should know that there is no rush. My father was 38 years old when I was born, which is something that I sometimes have to remind myself when I feel like I'm "running out of time" or whatever at age 24. Maybe you don't want to have a child now, but you might some day. Or maybe you might not. Either way, don't worry about waiting.
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  3. #3
    Dr. Heart Stealer Jo The Marten's Avatar Bulbanews WriterSocial Media EditorArchives StaffBulbapedia Editorial BoardModerator
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    Default Re: To be a parent or not to be a parent?

    Your parents don't own you. They can't make you do anything you don't want to do. What are they going to do? Take your sperm and inject it into a woman? That's ludicrous. If you aren't sure, then don't worry about it right now. My sister's probably the only one in my family who's ever going to have biological kids. My brother almost definitely is not going to have kids, and I have no plans of ever delivering a child. However I'd be okay with adopting a kid someday if I feel up for it. You might change your mind someday, you might not. Just don't worry about it. At least find a mate first. :P

  4. #4

    Default Re: To be a parent or not to be a parent?

    How old are you? I think that's important for the purposes of this conversation. I'm going to assume you're an adult (if not, why are you even thinking about this already?).

    The short answer to your question is no.

    The longer is no, but maybe. Passing on the family name is cool and all but unless you're the crown prince of somewhere it's not that important. Your sisters could theoretically give your family name to one of their own kids, it's the 21st century. Whether you have kids is a decision that is ultimately between you and your partner.

    I'm not really sure why the child birth part creeping you out matters, I mean it freaks me out too and I'll probably be popping out any of my children myself. It is pretty damn weird and gory, plus it's kind of surreal when you try to describe it. I'm not sure what you mean by "doing it myself", if you're someone who doesn't have a vagina you won't be doing anything yourself? Unless you live in the middle of the woods where there are no hospitals or midwives, your partner will be doing the work with the help of qualified professionals. You can stand by and watch but it's really not going to be painful or much work at all to you.

    I think that the idea that adopting a kid isn't the same as having one you made yourself is ridiculous and probably says something about your affection toward children, but I guess that's up to you so I won't elaborate on that.

    If you think you'd be bad at parenting, then yeah, don't do it. I don't think that diapers and stuff are such big problems, I can't imagine myself changing dirty diapers either but all of my friends and relatives who have had children said they didn't imagine themselves doing it either, and just rolled with it when it happened. Dirty diapers are probably the least of your problems. If you don't think you can be affectionate and patient to a child, that's probably a bad sign. You don't want to scar your kids for life and put all the work of raising them on your partner, because even if your partner is a stay-at-home parent, you'll also have to do your share to raise the children.

    If you don't want to have children now, don't have children now. If that never changes, then don't have children, ever. It's best to acknowledge that you weren't cut out to be a parent (some people just aren't) than go for it just because you can, since there are more feelings and responsibilities than only your own. Having kids is a huge responsibility.

    If you ever end up changing your mind, then you can still have kids if that happens. There's no rule that says that you have to make that choice now, and much less that if you say no to it now that you'll magically become unable to be a parent forever and ever and ever. In fact, unless you're like 50 and pushing your luck with fertility, the only thing that you can't go back on and change your mind is if you have kids now and then decide you don't want them.

    So... if you don't want kids, don't have kids, that's what I'm trying to say.

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    Default Re: To be a parent or not to be a parent?

    I don't think passing on the family name is a reason to have kids, especially if your family name is something like Ramsbottom, Woodcock etc.
    I can't stand babies either, so I plan on adopting to skip that stage if I want one.

  6. #6

    Default Re: To be a parent or not to be a parent?

    "Pass on the Family Name!" Pfft, what is this Westeros?

    In short I agree with the above posters. If you don't want kids don't have them. Especially if you think you'll be an unfit parent. More than likely these aversions will pass...

    "repulses me to a degree, so i can't even imagine actually doing it myself (I'm already hesitant to actually form a romantic relationship with a woman)"
    This sentences has me puzzled. Are you talking about the act of child birth or the act of child making? If it's the former that's not a big deal as it's already been said that you're not the popping the thing out, if it's the latter however...you may have to have a talk with your parents.

  7. #7

    Default Re: To be a parent or not to be a parent?

    I agree with others who have already stated the ins and outs of what I might have said. However, I really feel it's necessary to emphasise this: having children and getting married are two of the biggest things you should absolutely never, ever, ever do unless, for the most at least, part you truly, seriously want it. Regardless of your age (which I do feel factors in; frankly if you're still a teenager or a young adult you don't need to be worrying so much about it yet anyway), if you feel you don't like having kids around you and don't want to look after them or could never rise to that challenge when the time came, please do not ever have any just out of "obligation" to your parents (who don't even make this choice for you - it's your life, not theirs, and don't let pressure make you feel otherwise). If you feel you cannot deal with the realities of the pregnancy or birth process, please do not subject even a willing woman in your life to that process when what she would need and deserve is a supportive, mature, comfortable partner. If it is the act of sex that disgusts or puzzles you, please make that clear to anyone you form a romantic relationship with. I can't stress this enough: all of the potential things you are talking about are things that should not be gone into unless all involved are comfortable with it and know where they stand.

    Most people feel they can't deal with some aspects of parenting until they have children. Very few people think "hey, that sounds like a totally do-able bundle of fun" and most people don't exactly relish the bad parts or feel confident about them. The whole thing is a huge learning curve for everyone anyway. But deep down I think most people also know whether or not they could just roll with it if it happened, and that's the voice you need to think about for long term decisions. Not the short term wants and certainly not the so-called obligations your parents may think you have.


    ~ Formerly known as Kaori ~

  8. #8
    Mutha'uckas CrackFox's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: To be a parent or not to be a parent?

    Since I was a tiny kid I knew I didn't have any motherly instinct. I had baby dolls but I never played with them as if they were my children like you are supposed too, i'd just use them as props for various other games xD

    To this day I have no maternal feelings towards babies. I think they're cute and i'm looking forward to my brothers having kids so I can be an aunti but being a mother is definitely not for me. I'm quite selfish and I don't think I could devote my life to a child, it wouldn't be fare too.

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    Default Re: To be a parent or not to be a parent?

    Quote Originally Posted by CrackFox View Post
    Since I was a tiny kid I knew I didn't have any motherly instinct. I had baby dolls but I never played with them as if they were my children like you are supposed too, i'd just use them as props for various other games xD

    To this day I have no maternal feelings towards babies. I think they're cute and i'm looking forward to my brothers having kids so I can be an aunti but being a mother is definitely not for me. I'm quite selfish and I don't think I could devote my life to a child, it wouldn't be fare too.
    Wow, you wait until now to tell me!

    Kids are the way. Children are the future if the Simpsons is to be believed.

  10. #10
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    Default Re: To be a parent or not to be a parent?

    I think it's wrong to have kids if you feel "left out". It just sounds wrong. I'm not a big fan of kids and I'm 100% sure I don't want any. But...if for some reason I suddenly wanted one, I'd adopt and teach him/her right and make sure he/she doesn't turn out stupid like the kids these days. I don't even think I want to get married, I just want to live with my future dog(s) and possibly horse. Grr thinking of the future is fun, but makes me sad. :(
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