Thread: Online Dating - AAAAAHHHHHH!

No offense, but I think a lot of the panicking here is a bit unwarranted. I understand being cautious about meeting people online if you're a teenager, but when we're talking about online dating sites, most of them require their users to be adults, and will ban anyone lying about their age (including both teens trying to pose as adults, and older adults trying to seem younger than they are). I'm a 22-year-old graduate student, i.e., a little too old to be a target of "pedophiles." And it's not like there aren't ways to be careful in case the person you're meeting is not who they say they are, like meeting in a public place you both know and letting a friend know where you are and when you're expected to be back, precautions I always take when meeting anyone from the Internet. (I've heard it's good to also have "code phrases" for your friends in case you're in enough danger that you can't tell them directly, making it something like "water the plants" or "feed the cat" where you'd have an excuse for calling during the date. Luckily, I've never been in a situation where that was necessary.)

While I'm hardly a huge fan of online dating sites myself, I really fail to see how finding someone by carefully perusing a profile and pictures (and the profiles are thorough enough that and people are expected to have multiple pictures to the point that it makes it hard to convincingly create a fake identity) is somehow more dangerous than hooking up with some random person you meet at the bar. At least with these sites, you're given some details as to who they are and how compatible they are with you first, so that you have some idea what to expect. And I have to say that in college, I knew a ton of people who were using online dating sites - it seemed like all my friends had an account whenever they were single - but never have any of the rapes I've heard about occurred as a result of them using those sites. And this is backed up by just about every set of statistics I've read about rape, which say that you're far more likely to be raped by someone you already know than you are by a stranger.

I would say one of the issues with meeting someone online is that so much of communication is nonverbal, and it's really hard to fall for someone just on a list of interests alone, as those sites often have you do. Which is why you eventually need to take it offline at some point. I've noticed a lot of people I've met IRL who are not what I was looking for physically, but I loved them personality-wise enough that it didn't matter. That's a lot harder on a dating site, where I've met a few people who would be perfect personality-wise but they're not physically-attractive to me at all, and it really bums me out that I can't get past that with some people. (Not caring about physical attraction is a nice ideal, but if you just don't have chemistry with someone for that reason, it's not like you can force yourself to like them that way.) I imagine I would if they were more than a list of interests and a set of photos, but that's all they are on OkCupid. You really can't commit to much until you've spent some time with them in the real world, and been able to gauge your chemistry as well as compatibility, as well as seen if their photos are really that great of an indicator of their attractiveness (some people are just really un-photogenic).

It seems to me that online dating works best when it's just one method that you use for meeting people, as has been the case with most friends I know who've done it. People who invest too much in creating online profiles and not enough in going out and meeting people in "meatspace" are the ones who lose out, usually because they lack the social skills to meet people "normally" and think that they can get around that by dating online. The rule of thumb seems to be that if you can't date offline, you can't date online. It should be a supplement to, not a substitute for, your offline social life.

Funny story, I actually created an OkCupid account today because I was browsing r/wtf and there was some mention of it. Not really looking for a relationship or anything, it just seemed like a fun stupid thing to do and it was free. I'd say this at least seems very tame, or like not full of rapists or what have you, and actually genuine people. It may just be because I'm 20 and only looking up 20ish people, so I'm not running into creepy people and just other young people who, I assume, aren't super serious about it.

I mean I really don't have any experience with talking to people on it yet since I just made it, but I do think it'd be pretty easy to gauge people. It's not automatically setting you up on a blind date, you can chat with the person first. I think I can get a pretty good read on people from talking over the internet, so that you can tell if they're real or what have you.

Really weird though, because it bases suggestions off of where you're from, one of the people it recommended me was a girl who was in my 7th grade social studies class. Definitely not someone I would pursue romantically, but I did find out she's bisexual apparently. That's something she's not sharing on facebook.

Eh, she might just feel like while it's not something she's hiding it's not something everyone needs to know about her. If she's really trying to keep people from knowing, OkCupid has a feature where gay and bi users can hide our profiles from straight users (it's also there because lesbian users were getting harassed a lot by a certain subset of gross straight dudes who watch too much porn).

Bisexuality is one of those tricky things, where you have to come out a lot and sometimes it's just not worth going through the formal coming out at all with people, even if you're the furthest thing from closeted. I don't see why I have to tell every person to whom I give the impression that I like guys (say, by answering if they ask me whether I find a certain man attractive) and say, "Oh, by the way, I like other girls, too."

But yeah, I would say one of the weirder parts of OkCupid is when you run into people you know. I've seen acquaintances on there, even had them recommended to me, even though I live in a large city. The weirdest is when it was this guy from an old job I didn't like, and he proceeded to message me over and over even when I told him I wasn't interested in using the site to meet people I already knew (and I wasn't, but with him it was basically my polite way of telling him I wasn't interested at all). Thank goodness for the "block" button.

OkCupid in general is one of the nicer online dating sites because it allows you so much control over your criteria for screening matches (rather than using a predetermined set of criteria, as most of them do) and also because so many of the other sites seem to be focused on either just casual sex or on finding your future husband/wife, so it caters well to people who are looking for relationships but not ready to settle down just yet. Plus, it's free! And it acknowledges us bisexuals! (For some reason, even some of the other sites that let you list yourself as bi, like Plentyoffish, still make you choose one or the other gender to be "looking for." Argh!)

I don't really like the idea of Online Dating websites...I mean, I know one person who found her husband from one, but I just can't do it. There's many people that can't be trust there, but I guess I'm paranoid...

On the other hand, I've had a very good relationship with a guy that I meant online through a forum like this one. It lasted two years, and ended because I became way to busy with school... It's just, long-distant relationships are HARD. They're the hardest thing on earth and often the most painful when they end too because sometimes others don't know what you're going through. The thing is, with any online relationship or one using a website, I think you have to make sure that you meet them at a public location and that people KNOW about what you're doing from the beginning. If you think they can't, don't have romantic relationships online. It's just not worth it otherwise.

I've used the online dating websites, as well as had a few "Internet relationships". I was young, and stupid. Was emotionally stressful, and never worked out. I am glad I got passed that part of my life.

I met my love on a forum for Left 4 Dead around March 2011. We'd constantly flirt in their little chatbox and piss people off. ;D And we started getting really close in the late summer. We constantly talk on xbox and play games together all the time.

We basically found out everything about each other. And I can definitely say I trust him. Might call me stupid but I just feel something with him. It's really weird, and you can say I'm crazy or just some horny chick. But my heart feels with him.

Oh and for the record, everyone is basically an online person to each other. We're not all rapist killers. :P I think you have a more chance on getting killed by someone you meet off the street than meeting someone online (who has your interests.)

Online dating? Only if it means a blind date with someone in my city or near. Online is OK for friendship (and I have good friends online, from another countries, to whom I've kept bonds for about 4-5 years until today), but I think dating needs both "emotional" and "physical" components. It's a very personal opinion, though.

I don't think there's anything wrong with online dating sites. Like a few others have said, it's really just a way to narrow down your options and find people who you may have potential with. My aunt met her husband and my mother has had a few relationships via online dating sites. I think the whole stigma of "everyone is a sketchy sex predator" is really poorly founded.

As for long-distance, online relationships, I'm currently in one. My girlfriend and I met almost three years ago through tumblr, hit it off and became best friends, and now we've been together since October. Last month, she flew in and visited for two weeks. We had a blast together and it felt totally natural. The distance is tough and it's not for everyone, but I can honestly say that I'm really very happy.

It doesn't work. At all. I've had one internet relationship and it went to absolute shit, I was just trapped by this girl I'd never met and she had like compelte control and shit. Living nightmare.

Originally Posted by Go-to Icon

It doesn't work. At all. I've had one internet relationship and it went to absolute shit, I was just trapped by this girl I'd never met and she had like compelte control and shit. Living nightmare.

Please do not try and use your one bad experience to judge the entire practice. I'm going on two years with my girlfriend, who I met online (on Bulba no less), and we're perfectly happy, despite currently being 1000 miles apart. It can work. It's just that in that one case it didn't work for you.

That being said, they can be frustrating as hell because actually being with the person (as I discovered this month) is always preferable. I miss Feli.

The one thing I hate about online dating is how everyone freaks out thinking EVERYONE online is automatically a sexual predator. LOL really? You're more likely to get killed and raped by someone you meet on the street rather than someone you meet online ..because you know the majority of the population are online people to them as well. So what, are we sexual predators too? Cause we're online?

The news really takes over people too much. Yes it happens.. but that doesn't make everyone a sexual predator.

Also re: sexual predators: after the big panic about them blew over in the mid-00s (it was really crazy in the hey-day of MySpace and part of what killed it), they did some studies and found out that the vast majority of sexual predators are not that difficult to spot, and the kids who were taken advantage of by them usually knew exactly what they were getting into. (Which is not to victim-blame; I still think that people who are younger that mid-teens aren't really mature enough to consent to sex, so the fact that they might have thought that was what they wanted - a lot of these kids were from difficult family situations and just craved the attention - doesn't mean that they aren't still victims and the predators aren't still fucked up people for seeking that out.)

Which makes sense when you think about it; why would they keep persisting at someone who keeps evading them when there are plenty of easier targets out there? It also jives with my experiences with those people on Xanga when I was in high school; whenever there was some lewd comment on my blogs or in my guestbook, they made it obvious from the beginning what they wanted and I just blocked them and it was all over.