This one's probably a little different to regular queries here...but I was wondering about what's the best way to move on?
You see, about three years ago I was really close friends with a girl at college. We met through a mutual friend who was in my English group and she later transferred into my psychology class (sheer coincidence). During this time, we started talking and even started to help each other with our work. Eventually we became really close friends. One moment that sticks out in my mind is when me and her were on the bus heading towards town and she told me face-to-face that I was the only person she felt she could trust her life with. Bless her, she had some ups and downs during college, such as her own health and her boyfriend cheating on her while she was in hospital - even trying to force her to have unprotected sex with him so he could pass on an STD he caught from the other girl to cover her tracks. During all of her ups and downs, I made sure that I was there for her and she knew I was always there with a shoulder for her to cry on (sometimes literally) regardless of the day or the time (literally).
Eventually though, I realised that my feelings had grown into more than that. I honestly wanted to be with her as much as I could. On 8th September 2009 I plucked up the courage to confess my feelings to her and ask her out. Why do I remember the date you ask? Because the morning afterwards, my Nana suddenly died of a brain haemorrhage. It was the first death of a family member I was close to (Nana was also my godmother and was practically a second mother to me) so I was absolutely crushed. During the time following her death, me and the girl never spoke - considering I had only asked her out just before the tragedy happened, it was very awkward for both of us. Unfortunately though, neither of us were ever willing to take the first step to approach the other, so the gap only grew and grew and grew. Now it's gotten to the stage where she has deleted her Facebook (At first I thought she removed me as a friend, but searching for her produces no results) and I haven't spoken to her since.
The problem is though, I still think about her a lot; mainly dwelling on how I should have taken the initiative in trying to patch things up. It's only now that I realise why she could have been avoiding me - as I was upset, she probably would have felt forced to enter a relationship with me even if she didn't return my feelings (and I honestly wouldn't have wanted her to). I also feel upset at how my confession ultimately led to the ruin of what was once a very close friendship - the closest friendship I have ever had. It's gotten to the point where I know our friendship is absolutely beyond repair - I don't even know how to contact her any more and even if I could, what would I say? I just want to try and push it all to the back of my mind and move on, as almost every day I'm being haunted by it...but I have no idea how. I'm hoping that some day I will meet someone else who will make me feel the same way again, or even more...but unfortunately, I can't see that happening for a long time.