Official Love Advice Thread - Page 25

View Poll Results: Current relationship status

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  • I'm single and I want to be with someone.

    8 28.57%
  • I'm with someone online.

    5 17.86%
  • I've found someone, but... eh.

    1 3.57%
  • I've found a great person but I'm not quite ready yet.

    4 14.29%
  • I'm only here for sex.

    0 0%
  • Happily married.

    0 0%
  • Divorced.

    0 0%
  • About to propose.

    0 0%
  • Recently broke up with someone.

    0 0%
  • Currently engaged.

    1 3.57%
  • I'm single and I don't mind at all.

    12 42.86%
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Thread: Official Love Advice Thread

  1. #361
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    Quote Originally Posted by UnovaCastaway View Post
    So I'm 26, and never had a boyfriend. I've always wanted one, though. I was perfectly happy with my spinsterhood and looked forward to a perpetually single future, until last summer when I realized that one of my ex-housemates liked me.

    We had rented rooms in the same house from August 2012-May 2013 with two other people. I was a grad student, he worked in a nearby liquor store and had to live closer because his license was suspended from a DUI. We found out that we had lots of similar interests and ended up doing a bunch of things together. I ended up driving him around a bunch of places. He wanted to treat me and our other housemates like "family" and he lived up to his word. After we moved out, he still wanted me to keep in touch.

    In July, he threw a big party for his 30th birthday at a nearby restaurant with an open bar. The party ended late and I had to crash at his new place because I lived a hour and a half away. (plus I had to drive him home) When I pulled into the driveway, he held my hand and said he loved me. That's when I started to really wonder if he liked me. He had kissed me on the cheek sometimes when we lived together, and we got to hugging each other, but him holding my hand and telling his love for me really opened my eyes about him.

    When we got in the house, he showed me his all-time favorite movie. Then, instead of my original plans to sleep on the couch, he invited me to sleep in bed with him. (we didn't have sex, though, I was raised being told not to do it until I was legally married) All those things added up, and I spent the next month or so wondering if I liked him... And I realized I did! Between the day we moved out and his birthday, we probably met up once or twice, but after that, we started seeing each other once a week, then twice a week. He got me into trivia tournaments at a couple restaurants with some of his other friends.

    For once, there is a guy who makes me feel accepted. I usually have trouble fitting into a group of friends, and in every other friendship circle I'm in, I'm hanging on to the edges by my fingertips. (I did have a massive crush on a high school mate for years, but I got over him when I realized he didn't really reciprocate my advances and I wasn't really part of his closer group of friends.) This guy invites me places, takes me to dinner, takes me to bars, and overall is really awesome and caring.

    Sounds good? One problem...

    He has been "seeing" this other woman since before I met him. She used to work at the same liquor store, and might even be younger than me. I've only met her a few times, and can't stand her. Her tone of voice bothers me, and something doesn't seem right about her and him being together. I first met her last winter, and I didn't think much about it then because I didn't fall for this guy until the summer/ fall. Now, I'm terrified of her. He said that he's been "courting" her, and called her his "lover," which to me is a synonym for "spouse." They keep in touch a lot on Facebook and through texts. However, the last time I saw her, in the current bar she works at, she introduced him to one of her friends as a "friend" and didn't kiss him. Plus, I don't think they see each other that often, because he gave her a bag of giveaways from an event the store had a couple months before.

    I finally confessed to my crush that I liked him last month, and he said that he couldn't do anything about it right now and maybe eventually.

    To me, I consider dating and marriage to be the same thing except for the legal bonds. I will only date a guy that I can see myself marrying, and when I see two lovers together I automatically assume that they'll be together 'till death do they part. I've been seeing a counselor for relationship advice, and the counselor said that she's hopefully a "friend with benefits" and he's not ready to settle down.

    My worst nightmare is him proposing to her. Weddings are making me cringe all of a sudden. It would be devastating for me, never having a boyfriend before, to come so far with a close friendship to a guy who clearly likes me, only to lose out in the game of matrimony to a girl younger than me. What did she do to deserve him?

    How do I confront him about her?

    How do I confront her?

    Is she really a "friend with benefits" and won't end up being his legal spouse, giving me a chance?
    To be honest I wouldn't give the guy of chance if he's with the other girl even if their relationship is a supposed friends with benefits one. You confessed to him and he said he couldn't do anything about it at the time being - what does that say about him?

    I understand your philosophy of how you see dating a guy as synonymous to marriage but you're looking for too much because even if you think the guy's a perfect fit for you things could always go wrong, which is what happened to me when I was dating a guy I truely thought I was going to marry(I was really naive back then). Sometimes it just takes that first try for a couple to go further and actually marry one another but usually people are not that lucky and its a number of relationships before they find the one.

    So from what you've told me I think you should meet some other guys who will like you and only you, and not have some other girl lingering about.
    "I could not love you."

  2. #362
    I poke your snoot UnovaCastaway's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elysion View Post

    So from what you've told me I think you should meet some other guys who will like you and only you, and not have some other girl lingering about.
    That's the problem- I have Aspergers and don't make too many close human friends. This guy is an exception, he's the only guy so far to have liked me when I like him back, and he stands up for me. It seems like him or bust unless I can get lucky with a divorcee in my 40s or 50s.

    Should I keep referring to him and this other woman as husband and wife?

    And my mother says it's not good for a single woman to hang out alone as friends with a married man, or else they look like homewreckers. This guy and I have gone to restaurants and bars by ourselves many times. (last week it was just the two of us and one bartender in his old favorite bar) If he's still committed to the other woman, is he really committing adultery against her by taking me places? We have plans to travel together a few places, even as far in advance as 2015 (my alma mater's football team is playing an away game against his favorite college team growing up, and he wants to see their campus).

  3. #363
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    Quote Originally Posted by UnovaCastaway View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Elysion View Post

    So from what you've told me I think you should meet some other guys who will like you and only you, and not have some other girl lingering about.
    That's the problem- I have Aspergers and don't make too many close human friends. This guy is an exception, he's the only guy so far to have liked me when I like him back, and he stands up for me. It seems like him or bust unless I can get lucky with a divorcee in my 40s or 50s.

    Should I keep referring to him and this other woman as husband and wife?

    And my mother says it's not good for a single woman to hang out alone as friends with a married man, or else they look like homewreckers. This guy and I have gone to restaurants and bars by ourselves many times. (last week it was just the two of us and one bartender in his old favorite bar) If he's still committed to the other woman, is he really committing adultery against her by taking me places? We have plans to travel together a few places, even as far in advance as 2015 (my alma mater's football team is playing an away game against his favorite college team growing up, and he wants to see their campus).
    Of course they're not husband and wife since from what you've told me their relationship seems pretty flaky(girl not admitting your male friend to be her boyfriend, male friend saying he's "courting" her). I know you want the person you date to be the one you marry, but it just doesn't work that way in every relationship. A lot of relationships don't end in marriage so I believe you shouldn't refer two people dating as husband and wife.

    I don't know what your male friend thinks about the other girl, but I don't see you two going out to places as him cheating(let alone committing adultery because as I said, their relationship seems flaky/ambiguous). You're honestly going to have to find out how serious their relationship actually is, and at that time, you can continue hanging out and going to places with him, but just to know more about him. If you invest too much of your time and feelings for a guy who seems to have a questionable relationship with another girl, I'm scared you're going to be the one who gets hurt in the end.
    "I could not love you."

  4. #364
    Registered User Heredity's Avatar
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    Default Re: Official Love Advice Thread

    Well damn, if he's not technically taken then bloody go for it. Make the other girl regret not cementing the deal.

  5. #365
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    Default Re: Official Love Advice Thread

    I think you need to try and find out what their relationship is before anything else. I would NOT call them husband and wife. From what it sounds like, he's just seeing her for sex. People do that. However I think you'd like to be sure so you may want to talk with him about all this, I know you'd like him to commit to you. If he wont and continues to insist on seeing this woman, he may not be the one for you. I wouldnt jump to any conclusion without more facts though.

  6. #366
    I poke your snoot UnovaCastaway's Avatar
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    Default Re: Official Love Advice Thread

    One of the reasons I think of them as married already is to lessen the heartbreak if they do legally get married (but it would still hurt). To me, a monogamous romantic commitment is a monogamous romantic commitment.

    (And I don't know why weddings are sometimes referred as the beginning of a couple's life together... If they were dating for a while before that, then their life together had already started a long time ago!)





    I think he talks more highly of her than she does about him. When he handed her that bag of giveaways from that liquor store's customer appreciation day, she said something along the lines of "great, that store still cares for me" and she's still considered part of the store's family, FWIW.
    Last edited by UnovaCastaway; 27th December 2013 at 11:03 AM.

  7. #367
    Mörë kvlt thän thöv Kane Dunestorm's Avatar
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    Default Re: Official Love Advice Thread

    @UnovaCastaway; I've got Asperger's as well, and I know your pain. My advice is to just keep trying, but whatever you do, don't use your disability as an excuse. Regardless of whether or not it is a legitimate excuse, that only pushes people away. It is 100% possible to function socially with an autistic spectrum disorder like Asperger's Syndrome, it's just that the social interaction isn't instinctual like it is in others, but rather something you have to learn. I'd suggest watching how other people interact, and pay attention to how you interact and how people react to you. Within time you'll find that people are a lot more accepting of your different quirks than you might have thought, you just have to relax and not get flustered when you mess up. Everybody makes mistakes, but not everybody picks themselves up from them properly. The important thing to do is to stay positive, and keep trying. The one thing that I've found works the best is to interact with other people like you (with Asperger's and what not). We're a lot more common than you might think, and the great thing is that we commonly have similar interests, making it even easier to find. My girlfriend is also autistic, and our connection is pretty much telepathic because we understand each other so well because of our similar experiences and needs.

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  8. #368
    I poke your snoot UnovaCastaway's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kane Dunestorm View Post
    I'd suggest watching how other people interact, and pay attention to how you interact and how people react to you. Within time you'll find that people are a lot more accepting of your different quirks than you might have thought, you just have to relax and not get flustered when you mess up.
    First off, best wishes to you and your girlfriend!

    Second, I got my view of dating and marriage being fundamentally the same from observing other people. (And a semi-strict upbringing from my mother and grandmother who said take marriage commitment and sex seriously... I always knew growing up that "single" meant "not married" but then overheard people in high school saying that "if they were single, they'd do this, but since they have a BF/ GF, they're not single..." That's what made me realize that dating=marriage and it's all the same commitment.) My crush actually accepts me despite my Aspergers. Many Aspie guys have turned me off though.


    And I still need to know... HOW DO I CONFRONT THE OTHER WOMAN? (if I ever see her again) Do I admit that I like him too? Do I ask her if he's really in her friendzone? Do I tell her that I wish her all the worst with him? How do I gain a competitive edge in this?

    How should I confront him about her? Tell him that every time he mentions her, it makes me sad? (in reality, it makes my stomach turn) Do I talk smack about her like a sports opponent?

    What should I do in those situations?

  9. #369
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    Default Re: Official Love Advice Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by UnovaCastaway View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Kane Dunestorm View Post
    I'd suggest watching how other people interact, and pay attention to how you interact and how people react to you. Within time you'll find that people are a lot more accepting of your different quirks than you might have thought, you just have to relax and not get flustered when you mess up.
    First off, best wishes to you and your girlfriend!

    Second, I got my view of dating and marriage being fundamentally the same from observing other people. (And a semi-strict upbringing from my mother and grandmother who said take marriage commitment and sex seriously... I always knew growing up that "single" meant "not married" but then overheard people in high school saying that "if they were single, they'd do this, but since they have a BF/ GF, they're not single..." That's what made me realize that dating=marriage and it's all the same commitment.) My crush actually accepts me despite my Aspergers. Many Aspie guys have turned me off though.


    And I still need to know... HOW DO I CONFRONT THE OTHER WOMAN? (if I ever see her again) Do I admit that I like him too? Do I ask her if he's really in her friendzone? Do I tell her that I wish her all the worst with him? How do I gain a competitive edge in this?

    How should I confront him about her? Tell him that every time he mentions her, it makes me sad? (in reality, it makes my stomach turn) Do I talk smack about her like a sports opponent?

    What should I do in those situations?
    Why would you talk smack? Just comfort him and always be there to talk to him if he wants. You don't want to be the rebound girl unless you are keen on the D which you kind of stated that you aren't. Give him time to move on and then tell him bluntly that you like him, straightforward and simple but never put down the other girl just like that.

  10. #370
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    Quote Originally Posted by UnovaCastaway View Post
    And I still need to know... HOW DO I CONFRONT THE OTHER WOMAN? (if I ever see her again) Do I admit that I like him too? Do I ask her if he's really in her friendzone? Do I tell her that I wish her all the worst with him? How do I gain a competitive edge in this?

    How should I confront him about her? Tell him that every time he mentions her, it makes me sad? (in reality, it makes my stomach turn) Do I talk smack about her like a sports opponent?
    You gain the competitive edge by not acting like a 12-year-old.

  11. #371
    Mörë kvlt thän thöv Kane Dunestorm's Avatar
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    @UnovaCastaway; My advice is to just not talk to her about it, but to gather the strength and talk to him about it. Ask him what his relationship with her is, and state your reasoning very clearly, being that you like him. I've found it very rare for a girl to openly express their feelings for a guy like that. Quite frankly it's disappointing as I find that attractive and I'm sure plenty of other guys would too. A lot of times when you think someone is not interested in you, they really are interested but they might be equally scared to tell you.

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  12. #372
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    Quote Originally Posted by UnovaCastaway View Post

    And I still need to know... HOW DO I CONFRONT THE OTHER WOMAN? (if I ever see her again) Do I admit that I like him too? Do I ask her if he's really in her friendzone? Do I tell her that I wish her all the worst with him? How do I gain a competitive edge in this?

    How should I confront him about her? Tell him that every time he mentions her, it makes me sad? (in reality, it makes my stomach turn) Do I talk smack about her like a sports opponent?

    What should I do in those situations?
    Going to go and confronting the other lady is just ASKING for trouble. even if he is just "seeing" her or if he is in a legitimate relationship, confronting the other lady is only going to make her have an extremely unfavorable view of you. also its more than likely she will go tell that guy and will likely cause him to gain a very unfavorible view of you which can go as far as him not even wanting to be acquaintances with you. If I was in a legitimate relationship with a lady and another girl was talking smack about her because she was just jealous (not including Cheating or any other legitimate reason to call someone out like that), i wouldn't want to be friends with them because 1. they dont respect my choices and decisions that dont overly pertain to them and 2. it shows attitude and personality that some people dont find attractive. If you talk smack to her because you have feelings for him she will definitely feel threatened and likely try to keep him away from you. the guy will also likely try to distance himself from you for fear that he wouldnt want to upset her and make her possible think that he would cheat on her. the only thign i can really recommend is to not interfere and DO NOT intentionally try to break them up to try to get him to date you. if either one finds out, it will NOT BE GOOD.
    Kane Dunestorm likes this.

  13. #373
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    The thing is, my personal (in)experiences and observations have shaped my view on romance, including my Aspergers social problems. I see dating as a competition with marriage as the ultimate prize. A bride standing at the altar with her lover at a wedding ceremony is like a sports team hoisting a championship trophy. The losers sit there and think "that could have been me." But unlike sports, where there are future seasons or events to try again, marriage to a specific individual is supposed to not have a next time. (despite the divorce rate)

    And I'm not thinking of this as "jealousy," I think this is the only opportunity I have, at least until I'm a much older lady, to take the plunge and get a boyfriend. I only want a relationship that's meaningful with someone I can spend the rest of my life with. I don't want a date just for the sake of a date or superficial relationship. I'm afraid of getting so close to a guy, when I never had a boyfriend before, only to have him take the hand of someone else without proper closure between the two of us. Think of a sports team that's never won a certain championship or played in a high-level game. They have a Cinderella run, get on the brink of advancing to said game/ championship, only to lose in heartbreaking fashion by one score/ out/ move/ overtime. That's soul-crushing.

    Remember, I fell for him because he fell for me.

    I recently realized that both guys I've had serious feelings for in my life have each had major impacts and changed me for the better. That's the big reason why I don't want a "throwaway" boyfriend. I met my high school crush in Drama Club during my sophomore year of high school, probably the most transformative time of my life. It's a very long story that could belong in another thread, but to sum it up, I was an antisocial weirdo through 9th grade (in a 2-year jr high), and once I got to 10th grade in the actual high school, lots of people suddenly became friendlier and more accepting of me. I joined Drama Club on a whim and found out that most of the members were part of a core group of really caring people, and that crush was a big part of them (he actually played the lead in the musical). I credited much of my improved social skills to knowing him and that group of friends. (although it took me at least 8 years when I realized I wasn't in that core of the friendship circle to get over him) There were many people I met as a sophomore who impacted me, not just in Drama Club, but everywhere I ended up in the school, but I think knowing him helped change me the most.

    (And I started to cry when I typed the first sentence of that last paragraph, I did not expect that.)

    This current guy, meanwhile, I can consider my closest human friend (after my dog, whom I adore). He's pretty much the only person I can count on to socialize with who's not a friend of my mother's. (and I piggyback on a bunch of things my mother's friends do) I remember longing for social interaction outside of planned events in high school and college. (hanging out somewhere just for the heck of it, not just at school events or structured parties... heck, I even asked a grad school professor to extend my deadline for submitting a paper because some classmates invited me to go to a movie theater with them, which was the first time that happened to me in ages) Finally, I'm getting those invites to spontaneous hangouts, and he's fine with me coming over his place unless he's visiting his family. I don't think I've had a friend to count on like him, at least in the past 15-20 years, or maybe ever. He even stood up for me when I was hospitalized last year, and I'm massively needlephobic, but he convinced the doctors not to do too much to me that would traumatize me (which I thank him for).

    I feel like I really need to pay him back in a bigger way than what I'm doing to him now.

  14. #374
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    Quote Originally Posted by UnovaCastaway View Post
    The thing is, my personal (in)experiences and observations have shaped my view on romance, including my Aspergers social problems. I see dating as a competition with marriage as the ultimate prize. A bride standing at the altar with her lover at a wedding ceremony is like a sports team hoisting a championship trophy. The losers sit there and think "that could have been me." But unlike sports, where there are future seasons or events to try again, marriage to a specific individual is supposed to not have a next time. (despite the divorce rate)

    And I'm not thinking of this as "jealousy," I think this is the only opportunity I have, at least until I'm a much older lady, to take the plunge and get a boyfriend. I only want a relationship that's meaningful with someone I can spend the rest of my life with. I don't want a date just for the sake of a date or superficial relationship. I'm afraid of getting so close to a guy, when I never had a boyfriend before, only to have him take the hand of someone else without proper closure between the two of us. Think of a sports team that's never won a certain championship or played in a high-level game. They have a Cinderella run, get on the brink of advancing to said game/ championship, only to lose in heartbreaking fashion by one score/ out/ move/ overtime. That's soul-crushing.

    Remember, I fell for him because he fell for me.

    I recently realized that both guys I've had serious feelings for in my life have each had major impacts and changed me for the better. That's the big reason why I don't want a "throwaway" boyfriend. I met my high school crush in Drama Club during my sophomore year of high school, probably the most transformative time of my life. It's a very long story that could belong in another thread, but to sum it up, I was an antisocial weirdo through 9th grade (in a 2-year jr high), and once I got to 10th grade in the actual high school, lots of people suddenly became friendlier and more accepting of me. I joined Drama Club on a whim and found out that most of the members were part of a core group of really caring people, and that crush was a big part of them (he actually played the lead in the musical). I credited much of my improved social skills to knowing him and that group of friends. (although it took me at least 8 years when I realized I wasn't in that core of the friendship circle to get over him) There were many people I met as a sophomore who impacted me, not just in Drama Club, but everywhere I ended up in the school, but I think knowing him helped change me the most.

    (And I started to cry when I typed the first sentence of that last paragraph, I did not expect that.)

    This current guy, meanwhile, I can consider my closest human friend (after my dog, whom I adore). He's pretty much the only person I can count on to socialize with who's not a friend of my mother's. (and I piggyback on a bunch of things my mother's friends do) I remember longing for social interaction outside of planned events in high school and college. (hanging out somewhere just for the heck of it, not just at school events or structured parties... heck, I even asked a grad school professor to extend my deadline for submitting a paper because some classmates invited me to go to a movie theater with them, which was the first time that happened to me in ages) Finally, I'm getting those invites to spontaneous hangouts, and he's fine with me coming over his place unless he's visiting his family. I don't think I've had a friend to count on like him, at least in the past 15-20 years, or maybe ever. He even stood up for me when I was hospitalized last year, and I'm massively needlephobic, but he convinced the doctors not to do too much to me that would traumatize me (which I thank him for).

    I feel like I really need to pay him back in a bigger way than what I'm doing to him now.
    I was in a few relationships during my years in high school. aftel all of them went up in smoke, i decided to hold off on any other realtionships until i was out of college or unless "the right one" had come along. Ivwe always thought of dating as comparable to taking cars on a test drive. it allows you to learn about them, discover some of their quirks and personalitys and how they handle in different enviroments. most people who are serious about car shopping dont take the first car they test drive and like off of the lot. they do their reserch and learn the insides and outside of the car. if the car they like has money put down by someone else, they have to go and find another car. they cant go up and complain to the dealer that they deserve it because the feel more strongly then the other person. doing that only annoyes everyone involved and if it gets out of hand, the dealer will not do buisness with them again. only real thing i can say is if that guy is taken, it would be best to just be freinds for the meantime because if he is in a relationship with someone else and you interfere, he will more than likely not want to be with you. As for "paying him back", if you mean by trying to start a relationship because he was nice to you, personally i would want to date someone a bit more to see if they do hold themselves up to the same statndards they have when they hangout with thier freinds and me. But if he is in a Relationship, trying to get inbetween him and this other girl will have no good out come. if he is taken, i would just concentrate on just being friends. Just my two cents on my personal experiences.

  15. #375
    Mörë kvlt thän thöv Kane Dunestorm's Avatar
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    Default Re: Official Love Advice Thread

    Sorry to interrupt, but I've now got my own problems as well. *sigh*

    Okay, so I've been together with this girl for 2 months now, and I'm really doubting whether she's serious about this relationship.
    She used to be really good about talking to me and was always looking forward to spending time with me, despite not being able to do it very often because of distance (and the fact that neither of us drive). Lately though it seems like she just doesn't really have any interest in making the effort anymore.
    She has been sick for the past week or so and I accept that as a good excuse and all, but I told her recently about a physical pain issue that was obviously not contagious, and she told me that she didn't want to see me until it was gone because she didn't want to risk getting it. Furthermore, she went and told her mother about it to get her take on it despite it being something that she should discuss with me first.

    Additionally, her texts are becoming shorter and less frequent, and overall I just feel neglected and worthless. When I talk to her about it she gets all sad and depressed and what not, then I feel bad and I forgive her despite not feeling like it's resolved.

    tl;dr: I don't think my girlfriend is entirely serious about our relationship, as she's neglecting me and spending less time with me.

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