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Thread: Cutting

  1. #1
    Registered User Pariah's Avatar
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    Default Cutting

    Hello there,

    Some of you may know me already, some may not; for those that don't know me... My name is Candy, I'm 19 years old and a freshman at college, currently going for a major in economics.

    I was diagnosed with MDD when I was 12 years old, ever since I have been in and out of councelor's offices, psycologists and psychiatrist. I have been on medication for 5 years now, it has worked...most of the time.

    I remember the first time I cut myself. It was one of those days that you just want them to end, I was tired of it...I went to my bathroom looking for something, nothing in specific, just something that could help me. I wasn't able to find anything, but a pair of earrings caught my attention. I had heard of people who cut themselves before that incident, so I decided to give it a try; what would had been the worst scenario? Me dying? I would gladly take that.

    I started scratching my thighs and to my surprise; I actually felt a release. During the following weeks everytime I was feeling bad I would go somewhere alone and cut. No one ever realized of my doings until 5 months later. I had to go to my doctor for a physical. It was then when I had to tell my parents about it. I was yet again sent to more counseling and it worked.

    I didn't cut myself for four years...until a few weeks ago. Once again, I was feeling lower than usual and a blade was withit my reach, it took me some time to get I did, mostly because I was trying to stop myself, but my efforts were futile.

    I started cutting again. I want to stop but it is just too hard for me to do it. I don't want to tell my parents because I know they're going to flip out like they did last time. It is winter time so for now I can easily cover my scars under a sweater. But what will happen next? I seriusly don't want to see a doctor anymore. I'm tired of them.
    My life is a nightmare

  2. #2
    I'm mean and green Jo The Marten's Avatar Bulbanews WriterSocial Media EditorArchives StaffBulbapedia Editorial BoardModerator
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    Default Re: Cutting

    I'd say go and talk to a counselor again. Could be you just need someone who will listen to you and help guide you in the right direction. If it worked before, hopefully it will work again. Finding a healthy release is always a good thing.

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    Cute Combatant Niji's Avatar
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    Default Re: Cutting

    I'm sorry things got so bad. Finding another more healthy release or distraction could really help. You could try getting your feelings out in art or writing. I mainly use writing as a release for depression and frustration, since I can't talk to people about that, at least not in real life. You could always PM/VM me if you want to talk about anything else.

    Keep on kicking butt, Yuzu!

  4. #4
    ill suffer forever Dashie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Cutting

    I can relate. I self harm myself. I may have not for so long as you and I've only had one therapist/counselor in the almost 2 years I've been depressed, but I'd say to just get a counselor again. I may sound like a hypocrite but you know if you don't want to get one or anything, I'm always open to PM/VM.:)

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    Feet/toes Hedface's Avatar
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    Default Re: Cutting

    Aelita - I know exactly what you are going through. I started with a mechanical pencil in 8th grade. My mother discovered the marks on my arms and sent me straight to a counselor. Then another. Then another. I started using a knife on my leg and the pain that I felt from the blade made the emotional pain seem so much less. It buried the hurt and the frustration to a level that I could overlook, that I could shove away into a dark corner of my mind. I cut for years, right up into my early twenties.
    Aelita, I have been to see 7 counselors since I was 14. That is not an exaggeration. Yes, some of them helped, but I went right back to it, because it was an easy outlet for getting the "bad joojoo" out. The thing that made me stop was my then-fiancee and my mother. One day I realized that what I was doing to them was so much worse than anything else I could ever do. Every time I drew the blade across my skin was more painful for the people I loved, and that momentary release that cutting gives is not worth the look of hurt and fear on their faces.
    I still have the scars on my leg. It looks like a three bar codes strung together. My current boyfriend (fiance turned to husband, then ex-husband) sometimes feels the scars and asks me about them. How can anyone know unless you were there? He will never know the pain and turmoil that a loved one mutilating themselves can bring.
    It's hard. Life, being young, it's all hard. And it will take time. But you can beat this, you can overcome yourself to a point where you don't need to hurt yourself to take care of yourself. There are better outlets, and the hurt it causes everyone else around you is not worth that momentary release.
    I hope I helped a little bit. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to PM me.

  6. #6
    Fairy Queen Kaori's Avatar Forum Head
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    Default Re: Cutting

    Much like the others here, I'd like to offer my support. I have been in a similar situation a few years ago myself and, although I have improved, on my worst days I am still fighting the desire to take it out on myself for that release sometimes. Nobody has ever found out that I had been doing it, so I can't offer much experience-based advice on the front of any traces being seen/having to cope with relatives flipping out, but just know that you can always talk to me too if you need it, definitely. You're not alone here.
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    maglev maglev's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Cutting

    For the past wee while I hit my lowest, and even right now I do wish to cut myself. I fantasise about a lot. But I haven't made my first cut, and I hope that I never do. I feel that I want to cut myself, but I'm stronger than that and I'm gonna beat my depression, no matter how long it takes. I've reached out to my parents about it, my mum has hidden these really sharp chefs knifes just so I don't take on a fleeting opportunity when I'm really depressed.

    I'm due to start counselling next week and hopefully that will help me get over this.
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    You don't know me. Jack Pschitt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Cutting

    I've had depression for a month now. Sometimes, it flares up, and I have thoughts of cutting that I'm able to ignore. That is, up until now. I'm so tempted to grab a knife, sneak off the bath room and slice a gash right across my arm. I want the pain to go away somehow, and I'm desperate.

    I just don't know what to do any more. I hate my life, I hate myself, and I want to die. But there's still a part of me that wants to keep going and reach out like this. I can't take this any more. I want to be done with it.

  9. #9
    maglev maglev's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Cutting

    Quote Originally Posted by Jack Pschitt View Post
    I've had depression for a month now. Sometimes, it flares up, and I have thoughts of cutting that I'm able to ignore. That is, up until now. I'm so tempted to grab a knife, sneak off the bath room and slice a gash right across my arm. I want the pain to go away somehow, and I'm desperate.

    I just don't know what to do any more. I hate my life, I hate myself, and I want to die. But there's still a part of me that wants to keep going and reach out like this. I can't take this any more. I want to be done with it.
    Hey man, I know that feeling all too well. Your life will get better. You're in a rough patch right now, but you will quickly find yourself in a much better place. I know you've started counseling, that's a great start :), have you tried medication as well? I'm on antidepressants and I go to counseling. Its also a good idea to get out, you don't have to socialize (that that too helps), Just plug in your iPod and go for a walk aimlessly. It will help! If you need someone to talk to, VM me, I'm always around :)
    maglev is invisible

  10. #10
    You don't know me. Jack Pschitt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Cutting

    Quote Originally Posted by fabfab View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jack Pschitt View Post
    I've had depression for a month now. Sometimes, it flares up, and I have thoughts of cutting that I'm able to ignore. That is, up until now. I'm so tempted to grab a knife, sneak off the bath room and slice a gash right across my arm. I want the pain to go away somehow, and I'm desperate.

    I just don't know what to do any more. I hate my life, I hate myself, and I want to die. But there's still a part of me that wants to keep going and reach out like this. I can't take this any more. I want to be done with it.
    Hey man, I know that feeling all too well. Your life will get better. You're in a rough patch right now, but you will quickly find yourself in a much better place. I know you've started counseling, that's a great start :), have you tried medication as well? I'm on antidepressants and I go to counseling. Its also a good idea to get out, you don't have to socialize (that that too helps), Just plug in your iPod and go for a walk aimlessly. It will help! If you need someone to talk to, VM me, I'm always around :)
    I don't take medication, my mom just gives me a ton of holistic remedies that help me stay out of these fits, but sometimes, as now, it's not enough. They don't do shit once I am in a spell.

    I already do enough aimless walking. It doesn't do anything.

    My next counseling appointment is on Wednesday, and after that I'm only going once a month. It's not enough.

    Talking about it doesn't help when I'm in these fits and I hate socializing.

    I can't stand this any more. I want to kill myself somehow.

  11. #11
    maglev maglev's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Cutting

    Quote Originally Posted by Jack Pschitt View Post

    I don't take medication, my mom just gives me a ton of holistic remedies that help me stay out of these fits, but sometimes, as now, it's not enough. They don't do shit once I am in a spell.

    I already do enough aimless walking. It doesn't do anything.

    My next counseling appointment is on Wednesday, and after that I'm only going once a month. It's not enough.

    Talking about it doesn't help when I'm in these fits and I hate socializing.

    I can't stand this any more. I want to kill myself somehow.
    You need medication, antidepressants, I understand that medication can be very expensive in America, but you need it. Depression basically is the result of your body not producing enough of chemical in your brain wich tracks your emotion or some,thing like that. Right now your tank of that chemical is way, way low. So low that you can't function. Medication and exercise brings it back to a normal level overtime. I've been on antidepressants since early December, and I do feel better. I'm not over the moon, but I'm no longer suicidal.
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  12. #12
    Serenity is key
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    Default Re: Cutting

    I struggled with depression and a self harm addiction for two years. I've been clean for just over three months now. Honestly, the urge is still there sometimes. But so far, I've been able to work through it. After fab's words, though, I only wish I'd gotten medication or therapy for it.
    Last edited by Pyradox; 11th February 2013 at 02:53 AM.
    Crack some heads for me, darlings. Thank you, and good night.

  13. #13
    maglev maglev's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Cutting

    Quote Originally Posted by Taliesyn View Post
    I struggled with depression and a self harm addiction for two years. I've been clean for just over three months now. Honestly, the urge is still there sometimes. But so far, I've been able to work through it. After fab's words, though, I only wish I'd gotten medication or therapy for it.
    Well done on getting this thing beat :) You're really strong to tell us that at one point you were addicted, but now you're on the path to getting better and recovering :) Well done!
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  14. #14
    Registered User DarkestSacredHeart's Avatar
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    Default Re: Cutting

    Ditto here, been hospitalized for it, my last one was in December spent Christmas in tje psyche ward

  15. #15
    Ca$$$anova Go-to Icon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Cutting

    Back when I was 14/15, I'd thought about it quite a lot due to my kinda mindset at the time. However, even though I spent 5 hours at a station once waiting to jump in front of a train (which I chickened out of, thank god) I never actually went through to making that first cut, which I'm happy about - it could have been much worse.

    These days, even though I have bouts of depression every now and then I have a much more positive outlook on life. Didn't even need the pills for that one.

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