SUPPORT: Consumed, by anger and self-hatred.
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Thread: Consumed, by anger and self-hatred.

  1. #1
    Vile, Venomous Villain Murkmire's Avatar
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    Default Consumed, by anger and self-hatred.

    Hello. Let me just start by saying I'm looking for help. Not professional help, or as I say, "professional" help. I don't believe anything professionals can say help, but what they give in a pill bottle can dull my depression. If only for moments/days at a time.

    I'm Murkmire, or at least, I'd like to believe so. I have a hard time trying to at least NEARLY guess who or what I am as a human being. I live in the U.S, specifically Oklahoma. I've dropped out of college due to the inevitable snowball that's known as my mental illness. Due to fear and constant anxieties, I've dropped out, and now work at a grocery store, then hide in my room making holes in my closet door every once a week or so. It's up to three, due to last night, where I smashed my head against the door. Then there's my bedroom door, where I punched a hole into it.

    Anyway. To get into why I need help, is... I still hope. As much as I want to give up, I still want to dream happily. To actually feel like I'm "happy," whatever that means at this point. I don't have a firm grasp as to what happiness means to me.

    Before it all, I was a charming intellectual that could get any girl he wanted. He even had a couple of girls he absolutely would die for. But now... I hate. Myself, and humanity in general. I'd rather stand aside and let someone else take the pain. Though, I still have a sense of "friendship," if only a bleak one. I have a small group of friends. A very small group that I've known before I became the way I am now.

    I still try, but it usually ends up with me pushing them away. My medicine either gives me side effects or makes my head spin. Both literally and figuratively, at times. Not at the same time, or I'd give up medicine along with therapy.


    What I'm trying to get at is... I want to talk to people. If I have to put myself out there to do so, then fine. I'm just sick of this void of pain and suffering. I need someone, if not a couple of people, to talk to about these things.

    I hope I reach, at least, someone who wants to talk to me. I tend to want to talk on a regular basis, on Skype. So, yeah.

  2. #2
    the good fight ☆ Frühling's Avatar
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    Default Re: Consumed, by anger and self-hatred.

    I can't quite say "I know how you feel", because then I would be lying. It does, however, sound like what you're currently going through is extremely difficult. It's understandable that you feel angry and need to let it out if things really are that bad, but instead of driving holes into your closet door I'd recommend writing how you feel down somewhere, preferably a notebook that no one else can see. I know that might sound a little ridiculous, but I for one find it calming when I get angry, especially if you can just vent completely to the paper. There are a few more ideas too, though of course, you don't have to try them all. If you have any magazines, viciously scribble on the faces of the people on them, that's a good way to take out your anger without doing damage. Another idea is tearing apart magazines or newspapers, things that won't be permanently damaged or you can get rid of. Popping bubble wrap, going for a run, or flatten aluminium cans for recycling, seeing how fast you can go. And if you need to keep up hope, try and congratulate yourself on each minute you go without being angry. Also, doing things that keep you happy are important, so maybe, if you don't already, try and find a hobby. Exercise is a good one from what I've heard, but reading and generally distracting or time-consuming things also work well. Finally, if you want someone to talk to, feel free to add me on Skype. While I'm not very good at giving advice, I'm a decent listener, so you can feel free to vent to me anytime you'd like. I hope things get better for you, just don't give up hope.

  3. #3
    Vile, Venomous Villain Murkmire's Avatar
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    Default Re: Consumed, by anger and self-hatred.

    @Guinevere;

    Could you add me? I can't seem to get access to your Skype.

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