Thread: Why people say stop looking for love and let find you?

I think that this advice applies up to a point.

It is true that if you're just looking to be in a relationship, ANY relationship, that's foolish; being in a relationship is not necessarily better than being single in and of itself. Ask anyone who has ever been in an abusive relationship and tried to leave it. Even in less extreme situations, if it's not working out, you're going to get resentful and wish you were free to date other people.

As for why it doesn't work for finding people, it's because desperation and insecurity aren't attractive, and if you have enough of that it's going to rub off regardless of whether you intend it or not.

However, if you are interested in a specific person, you can't just expect that things will naturally develop. Sometimes they do, but usually they involve at least a little bit of work from both parties - finding some way to make your feelings known (it doesn't have to be OBVIOUS and that's often a turn-off anyway, but you should make it clear in some way or another), initiating dates, etc. Hanging around someone just waiting for an attraction to develop does not work.

Another thing I'd like to add: I'm not saying this is the case with you, but it seems to be the case with a lot of guys (more so than girls) who are perennially dateless that they think they that they can put zero effort into their personal appearance because they know they are awesome people inside. First impressions are important, though, and if it's bad, people aren't going to stick around to find out about your deeper qualities. When someone's already your girlfriend you can show your warts-and-all self but not on a first meeting. And I'm not just talking about how you dress and your personal hygiene, but also to be more polite. Put your best face forward. It's not about trying to be someone you're not (which is always bad), it's about being an enhanced version of your normal self. Be you but just a little better.

Also would like to echo that just trying to meet more people, going to places where people have similar interests to you is a good idea, although again, you can't just expect that these friendships will magically turn into relationships if you don't put some effort in that direction. If you want a place where you're sure that people are looking for romance or sex, you could go to a singles bar or an online dating site, but that does add an extra level of awkwardness that isn't there when you start out by approaching someone as a friend and based on similar interests rather than just a shared desire to not be single anymore.

TL;DR: Desperately looking for a relationship is bad, but once you have someone you're attracted to, you can't just wait for it to fall into your lap. You have to do something about it.

Originally Posted by boolstone

I am a guy who has never been in a relationship. At age 20 I have was looking for a girlfriend and I could not find it and people have told me to stop looking. And they say If I keep on looking for it I will never find it. So three years ago at the age of 24 I stopped looking and got on with enjoying my life and today at age 27 it has still not happened and people say just enjoy my life and say if it meant to happen, it will.

Love has still not found me at all and If i end up being single all my life, I will be so angry because life without relationship for me is so unfair. I be so angry if I end up being single for the whole of my life.

If you're still worried about it, that means the part I put in bold is a complete lie. In the deep, you never stopped overthinking.

As Good Blue Monday said, looking for "any" relationship, just because, is pointless. First ask yourself, why do you want a relationship? Sex? Love? A companion? Emotional support? Having children?

I don't have the answers by myself, but maybe what you need is something else. Or maybe not.

If you want my experience, I got my first kiss, first relationship and first sex last year, at age 24, with an unexpected girl at an unexpected way. It didn't last long, but left me some valuable lectures.

- Don't go so fast.
- Don't get stuck waiting for the big fish. Small fishes are experience points too.
- Don't overthink.
- Go wild.
- If you feel attracted to someone, it's time to shine.
- Bad decisions make good stories, and good stories are a nice way to flirt.
- Getting drunk with some chick is not as bad as you could think, although you could destroy a sink... buuuuuut, that's another story.
- First time doesn't have to be a magic moment with the destined girl, even fairy tales dropped that crap lately. In fact, for most people, first time sucks due to lack of experience (although mine was awesome. Envy me you all mortals... just kidding)

You...still have 1 more year. You're twenty right? Find one when you go to grad school. You have to get one when you've graduated. Haha, I'm just kidding. I would say, don't give up on finding love, but don't force yourself in finding one either. Don't purposely go scouting girls just to find the perfect one. You can, however, hang out more often with your friends or go to various events and you might meet some new people that you could talk to more often online and learn more about.

Love neither exist and does exist...If you go looking for love, more than likely you are going to be acting off of lust. Love just happens at unexpected times.

Life moves slow. We can easily handle multiple goals at once.

keep enjoying your life, building on yourself as a single. And think about what proactive steps you can take to fulfill your desires. It is important to take risks and push your comfort zone, we don't improve without challenging ourselves.

Yes. It's bullshit. If nobody is "Looking" how are we ever going to find. A relationship takes an effort of TWO people. While you shouldn't force yourself on people and become a creeper, it's definitely not wrong to try to flirt with someone who you have interest in, take them out and spark out a date. Do not just sit there and "Enjoy life" while making no effort. Those people are liars and usually people who say things like that are the ones that are somehow ALWAYS in relationships. Never take relationship advice from either:

a) Someone who is ALWAYS in some sort of relationship
b) Someone who is in a long term relationship

It's easy for them to say because they already have what you want. Look for love. Enjoying life only gets you but so far and after awhile it gets old as hell.
This is for anyone with this problem. Take my advice. Nobody wants to be in their 30s and have yet to settle down or find love.

Originally Posted by Latula Pyrope

Yes. It's bullshit. If nobody is "Looking" how are we ever going to find. A relationship takes an effort of TWO people. While you shouldn't force yourself on people and become a creeper, it's definitely not wrong to try to flirt with someone who you have interest in, take them out and spark out a date. Do not just sit there and "Enjoy life" while making no effort. Those people are liars and usually people who say things like that are the ones that are somehow ALWAYS in relationships. Never take relationship advice from either:

a) Someone who is ALWAYS in some sort of relationship
b) Someone who is in a long term relationship

It's easy for them to say because they already have what you want. Look for love. Enjoying life only gets you but so far and after awhile it gets old as hell.
This is for anyone with this problem. Take my advice. Nobody wants to be in their 30s and have yet to settle down or find love.

The thing you're missing is that people who are in a long term relationship usually had to go through their own scrapes and bruises to get where they are. They had to make mistakes, get hurt, etc. When they finally reach the point where they're able to handle a long term relationship, I think they would offer some pretty good advice. So no, they are not "liars". They just find that they enjoy being single more than they do with an ex, or irritating boyfriend/girlfriend. When people say, "Don't look." they mean, "Don't get a boyfriend/girlfriend for the sake of having a boyfriend or girlfriend." If you only want one to justify your existence, it won't work out. You need chemistry. For some people, they really need to get to know someone first before dating them, so they don't actively look for a date. For others, they don't mind going on dates and testing out chemistry immediately. I've never once met someone and thought, "Gee, I really want to date you." at first glance. I have to get to know them as a friend first, and then I might consider dating. If you go up to someone and say, "Please will you go out with me?" you seem desperate, and I haven't personally found anyone who legitimately find that attractive. If anything, it just tells them that you're an easy target to take advantage of. But if you're confident in yourself, and your life, and you're just yourself, that will attract people who are looking for a solid relationship, and I'll give you advice I tell others: Go places you're interested in. Hang out in certain stores, go to conventions, sign up to a forum, join a club. Someplace where you will likely share a common interest with people. That's usually when things happen when you're not looking.

If you don't find my view valid, I'll be happy to discuss with you the shit I've been through to get where I am. But I don't appreciate being called a liar, or that I have no idea what I'm talking about because I'm not single.

Originally Posted by Jo The Marten

Originally Posted by Latula Pyrope

Yes. It's bullshit. If nobody is "Looking" how are we ever going to find. A relationship takes an effort of TWO people. While you shouldn't force yourself on people and become a creeper, it's definitely not wrong to try to flirt with someone who you have interest in, take them out and spark out a date. Do not just sit there and "Enjoy life" while making no effort. Those people are liars and usually people who say things like that are the ones that are somehow ALWAYS in relationships. Never take relationship advice from either:

a) Someone who is ALWAYS in some sort of relationship
b) Someone who is in a long term relationship

It's easy for them to say because they already have what you want. Look for love. Enjoying life only gets you but so far and after awhile it gets old as hell.
This is for anyone with this problem. Take my advice. Nobody wants to be in their 30s and have yet to settle down or find love.

The thing you're missing is that people who are in a long term relationship usually had to go through their own scrapes and bruises to get where they are. They had to make mistakes, get hurt, etc. When they finally reach the point where they're able to handle a long term relationship, I think they would offer some pretty good advice. So no, they are not "liars". They just find that they enjoy being single more than they do with an ex, or irritating boyfriend/girlfriend. When people say, "Don't look." they mean, "Don't get a boyfriend/girlfriend for the sake of having a boyfriend or girlfriend." If you only want one to justify your existence, it won't work out. You need chemistry. For some people, they really need to get to know someone first before dating them, so they don't actively look for a date. For others, they don't mind going on dates and testing out chemistry immediately. I've never once met someone and thought, "Gee, I really want to date you." at first glance. I have to get to know them as a friend first, and then I might consider dating. If you go up to someone and say, "Please will you go out with me?" you seem desperate, and I haven't personally found anyone who legitimately find that attractive. If anything, it just tells them that you're an easy target to take advantage of. But if you're confident in yourself, and your life, and you're just yourself, that will attract people who are looking for a solid relationship, and I'll give you advice I tell others: Go places you're interested in. Hang out in certain stores, go to conventions, sign up to a forum, join a club. Someplace where you will likely share a common interest with people. That's usually when things happen when you're not looking.

If you don't find my view valid, I'll be happy to discuss with you the shit I've been through to get where I am. But I don't appreciate being called a liar, or that I have no idea what I'm talking about because I'm not single.

I'm not trying to offend you in any way, but it usually is true. People who are in relationships are always quick to say things like this and it irritates me. I don't want advice from someone who is living the life while I'm sitting here busting my balls trying to figure out what the hell I'm doing wrong in life the reason why I keep getting screwed over. Yes, people have to go through things BUT AFTER AWHILE IT GETS SO OLD. Just oh my god everything gets old. Nobody wants to be told "ENJOI UR LAIFU LAIFU" while your best friend is in a 2 year relationship and was just proposed to Thursday afternoon. Nobody wants to "ENJOI BEING SINGLE" when people 5 years your junior are just living the life. Maybe I'm just bitter because I've been screwed over SO many times and the people who are always trying to shove their shit down my throat are always people in relationships. "OH ENJOY BEING SINGLE" if that's the case why aren't YOU single why don't you just break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend if you think being single so much (I don't mean you I mean you as in general people who say that oh god I am typing from the heart right now cause I'm literately about to cry). I'm tired of always having chemistry with people TO BE BLOWN OFF like okay what really why is it so hard for me but easy for other people do I have to go through and sleep with 2093482084 more people before I am 50 years old AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN I find that "Special someone" oh hell no I REFUSE to be single after the age of 30 so help me god I will not be "Focusing on myself" or any of that other cliche nonsense it's just not fair. I mean holy hell I am going to be turning 23 in like what April my mom had me at 23 and I just don't understand what I am doing wrong or why I SHOULD HAVE TO TAKE ADVICE FROM SOMEONE IN A RELATIONSHIP when they don't know me or my life. Based off of my experience, people who say these things who are in relationships have all been liars, no offense. Or "THIS HAPPENED FOR A REASON" no it didn't it happened because people are assholes. No, it doesn't get better some people just are supposed to be alone forever because apparently it's funny as hell to whatever I don't even know I'm just angry not at you or anyone just at life really.

And yes, I'd rather have a significant other for the sake of having one until I found the "right person" or whatever, then I can dump the wrong one for the right one.

I'm not angry at you or trying to personally attack you I just got really upset at the way things are for me really and it makes me angry. I'm sorry

I partially agree with Latula. Somebody who is a natural at something probably doesn't have great insight to how they got there and probably isn't the best person to give advice. For example, if they are really good looking and people throwing themselves at them, it would be easy to give the advice "don't look, just wait". Well, that won't work for everybody.

Where I disagree with Latula is many people in a relationship have been in her position at some point in time. Although they are not single anymore, most would still be able to emphasize with the feeling of being single/alone.

Well it's like when you're working towards a career, who do you turn to for advice to be successful? Would you ask your fellow classmates, or would you try to contact someone already in the industry to see how they got where they are?

People who are considered "good looking" (quoted because that's a subjective idea), have people thrown at them, and they accept/welcome these invitations could potentially be shallow individuals, and probably wouldn't be great for advice. Not to mention it could be rare/a long time until they experience a real relationship where emotions and personality are more important than appearances.

Originally Posted by Jo The Marten

Well it's like when you're working towards a career, who do you turn to for advice to be successful? Would you ask your fellow classmates, or would you try to contact someone already in the industry to see how they got where they are?

I said you should take advice from those that have done it before you. But because not everybody comes from your position, the advice may not be appropriate. Using your example of careers, somebody who is a successful mathematician may not give appropriate career advice to a pilot. Their situations are different and the advice they give may or may not work for another person. In relationships, what was successful for one person may (for a variety of reasons) be bad advice to another person.

Originally Posted by Jo The Marten

People who are considered "good looking" (quoted because that's a subjective idea), have people thrown at them, and they accept/welcome these invitations could potentially be shallow individuals, and probably wouldn't be great for advice. Not to mention it could be rare/a long time until they experience a real relationship where emotions and personality are more important than appearances.

Being good looking was just a throw away example, because it is obvious good looking people have more relationship options. You could replace it with whatever admirable relationship quality you like, it won't change my example.

Wealthy men don't sit around all day and hope to get rich. People need to actively shape their lives to get what they want. Similarly you need to get out and actively seek a relationship if you really want one. The likelyhood of a relationship comming to you is nothing more than a fantastic hope that will be crushed by the weight of reality.

^^^ ........is also the likelyhood of getting a relationship in the first place to some.

I've always been told "don't look for love, let it find you." But is that really true? I am a hopeless romantic, but I have a feeling nobody wants me because of my disability & love of Pokemon. I just don't know what to do.

It's never found me, not sure what I'm doing so wrong. Maybe I'm really boring?