HA! Don't make me laugh! - Humor Thread

[Fab]

Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."

I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate."

[TheMissingno.]

Three guys walk into a bar. They enjoy drinks in moderation and leave at a reasonable hour.

A guy walks into a bar. He is deeply depressed and his alcoholism is ruining his family.

[Silverwynde]

Three men walked into a bar...

the fourth man ducked.

My uncle was quite the magician:

he could walk down the street and turn into a bar.

A Walmart people greeter was assisting customers in fetching shopping carts. As he was helping one particular customer--an extremely ill-tempered woman and her two children--he tried to make polite conversation. "You have beautiful children," he said as she shouted at the younger child. "Are they twins?"

"No you moron!" the customer screamed. "Why in God's name would you say something so damn stupid?!"

The people greeter smiled and replied, "Because given your attitude, I don't see how anyone would want to have sex with you once, let alone twice."

[Mintaka]

1. This is more of a cute one.

(History class)
Teacher: Ben, please locate America on the map.
*Ben goes to the map and points his finger at the continent*
Teacher: Now class, who discovered America?
Students: Ben did!

2.
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are stranded on an island. One day, they find a mysterious lamp. One of the girls rubs the lamp, and a genie comes out.
"I can grant three wishes! For each one of you, I shall grant a wish!"
The brunette speaks first. "My wish is simple. I want to return home!"
With a *puff!*, the brunette disappears. The redhead speaks next.
"Tell you what, I was thinking of the same thing. I want to return home too."
The redhead also disappears. The blonde starts crying. Genie thinks blonde is crying in anticipation to return home.
"It's your turn, would you like to return home too?" Genie asks.
Blonde says, "I miss my two friends. I want them back."

[EVs and IVsaurs]

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are stranded on an island. One day, they find a mysterious lamp. One of the girls rubs the lamp, and a genie comes out.
"I can grant three wishes! For each one of you, I shall grant a wish!"
The brunette speaks first. "My wish is simple. I want to return home!"
With a *puff!*, the brunette disappears. The redhead speaks next.
"Tell you what, I was thinking of the same thing. I want to return home too."
The redhead also disappears. The blonde starts crying. Genie thinks blonde is crying in anticipation to return home.
"It's your turn, would you like to return home too?" Genie asks.
Blonde says, "I miss my two friends. I want them back."

The brunette yells at the blond for messing up the returning home, but then decides that there was no point in fussing about something that was already done.
The three girls notice that the mainland isn't too far away and the redhead decides that she would try and swim to the the mainland and get help.
She swims toward the mainland, but only gets a quarter of the way before she gets tired and drowns.
The brunette used to be in a swim team, and thinks she can make it to the mainland.
She swims toward the mainland, but only gets halfway before she gets too tired and drowns.
The blond thinks that she might as well try, so she swims toward the mainland, but only gets three quarters of the way before she gets to tired, and turns around to swim back.

[TheMissingno.]

Star Wars joke time.

What's the internal temperature of a tauntaun?

Luke warm.

[Booster Gold]

here's a blond joke

An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor’s office. “Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep.”
“I have good news for you,” the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. “Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.”
“Great,” the blonde answered, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.”
A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. “Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than before!”
“I don’t understand how that could be”, said the doctor, shaking his head. “Those are the strongest pills on the market!”
“That may be true,” answered the blonde wearily, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it’s hard getting him to swallow the pill!”

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars -- there's nothing left! This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

[Voltaire Magnezone]

DA BOSS JOKES!

The Heater:

Boss: Butler, is the heater broken?
Butler: Yes, sir.
Boss: Then call the repairman.
Butler: You will make the repairman fix it?
Boss: *sarcastic* NO! ONCE THE REPAIRMAN ARRIVES, I AM GOING TO DRENCH HIM IN GASOLINE AND SET HIM ON FIRE!

The Car:
Boss: Butler! Is my car broken?
Butler: Yes, sir.
Boss: Then get my Ferrari.
Butler: You will use that to go to work, sir?
Boss: *sarcastic* NO! I WILL MAKE THE FERRARI GO TO WORK! HURRY UP!

[TheMissingno.]

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the ladder so the first does not fall and get injured.

#Antijokes

Experts:

Group work:

[Ludwig]

Two friends are talking and one says to the other, 'My wife said that if I go to this chess tournament tomorrow she is going to leave me and take this kids with her.'.
'That's terrible', replied the friend, 'What are you going to do?'
'Probably 1.e4'

[Voltaire Magnezone]

When somebody posts a picture on Facebook:

Then:
OMG! The beach is so beautiful!

Now:
#OMG #beautiful #beach #sand #chairs #water #sun #perfect #weather #jetski #i #love #it! #warm #bikini #body #palm #trees #sunbathing #lotion #surfing #pics #morepics #fun #music #firedancers #everything #smoothies #milkshakes #must #add #more #hashtags #as #desperately #as #i #could #think #of


And that was Facebook, not Twitter

[Kouzan]

Ok here's a joke my dad made up.
What do both a church and a mad scientist both need?

New organs.

Original joke do not steel.

[porkchopsandwiches]

Saddam's Body Doubles

The eight Saddam body doubles are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says, "I have some good news and some bad news." They ask for the good news first.

Aziz says, 'The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs."

"And the bad news?" they ask.

Aziz replies, "He's lost an arm."

[Voltaire Magnezone]

Birthdays are good for your health. Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live longer.

[zakisrage]

Heather Mills is the most famous pirate of this day and age. She has one leg and she steals money from rich men. Plus she buries treasure (in her case, she buries it in her bank account).

SpongeBob is SO a tampon. He's absorbent and he lives in Bikini Bottom. He's also Asian because he's yellow and he knows karate.

Don't forget: when you watch Cinderella backwards, you watch the epic story of a woman learning her place. (No offence, ladies! I don't really think like that!)