HA! Don't make me laugh! - Humor Thread - Page 3

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Thread: HA! Don't make me laugh! - Humor Thread

  1. #31
    maglev maglev's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: HA! Don't make me laugh! - Humor Thread

    Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."

    I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate."
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  2. #32
    TheMissingno.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: HA! Don't make me laugh! - Humor Thread

    Three guys walk into a bar. They enjoy drinks in moderation and leave at a reasonable hour.

    A guy walks into a bar. He is deeply depressed and his alcoholism is ruining his family.

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    That's nice.

  3. #33
    ♥ Grand Riser ♥ Silverwynde's Avatar
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    Default Re: HA! Don't make me laugh! - Humor Thread

    Three men walked into a bar...


    My uncle was quite the magician:


    A Walmart people greeter was assisting customers in fetching shopping carts. As he was helping one particular customer--an extremely ill-tempered woman and her two children--he tried to make polite conversation. "You have beautiful children," he said as she shouted at the younger child. "Are they twins?"

    "No you moron!" the customer screamed. "Why in God's name would you say something so damn stupid?!"

    The people greeter smiled and replied, "Because given your attitude, I don't see how anyone would want to have sex with you once, let alone twice."
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  4. #34
    Registered User Mintaka's Avatar
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    Default Re: HA! Don't make me laugh! - Humor Thread

    1. This is more of a cute one.

    (History class)
    Teacher: Ben, please locate America on the map.
    *Ben goes to the map and points his finger at the continent*
    Teacher: Now class, who discovered America?
    Students: Ben did!

    2.
    A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are stranded on an island. One day, they find a mysterious lamp. One of the girls rubs the lamp, and a genie comes out.
    "I can grant three wishes! For each one of you, I shall grant a wish!"
    The brunette speaks first. "My wish is simple. I want to return home!"
    With a *puff!*, the brunette disappears. The redhead speaks next.
    "Tell you what, I was thinking of the same thing. I want to return home too."
    The redhead also disappears. The blonde starts crying. Genie thinks blonde is crying in anticipation to return home.
    "It's your turn, would you like to return home too?" Genie asks.
    Blonde says, "I miss my two friends. I want them back."

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  5. #35
    Now 20% Cooler EVs and IVsaurs's Avatar
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    Default Re: HA! Don't make me laugh! - Humor Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Mintaka View Post
    A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are stranded on an island. One day, they find a mysterious lamp. One of the girls rubs the lamp, and a genie comes out.
    "I can grant three wishes! For each one of you, I shall grant a wish!"
    The brunette speaks first. "My wish is simple. I want to return home!"
    With a *puff!*, the brunette disappears. The redhead speaks next.
    "Tell you what, I was thinking of the same thing. I want to return home too."
    The redhead also disappears. The blonde starts crying. Genie thinks blonde is crying in anticipation to return home.
    "It's your turn, would you like to return home too?" Genie asks.
    Blonde says, "I miss my two friends. I want them back."
    The brunette yells at the blond for messing up the returning home, but then decides that there was no point in fussing about something that was already done.
    The three girls notice that the mainland isn't too far away and the redhead decides that she would try and swim to the the mainland and get help.
    She swims toward the mainland, but only gets a quarter of the way before she gets tired and drowns.
    The brunette used to be in a swim team, and thinks she can make it to the mainland.
    She swims toward the mainland, but only gets halfway before she gets too tired and drowns.
    The blond thinks that she might as well try, so she swims toward the mainland, but only gets three quarters of the way before she gets to tired, and turns around to swim back.

  6. #36
    TheMissingno.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: HA! Don't make me laugh! - Humor Thread

    Star Wars joke time.

    What's the internal temperature of a tauntaun?
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    That's nice.

  7. #37
    #2kool4u Booster the Gawd's Avatar
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    Default Re: HA! Don't make me laugh! - Humor Thread

    here's a blond joke

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  8. #38
    Dauntless Fried Chicken Voltaire Magneton's Avatar
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    Default Re: HA! Don't make me laugh! - Humor Thread

    DA BOSS JOKES!

    The Heater:

    Boss: Butler, is the heater broken?
    Butler: Yes, sir.
    Boss: Then call the repairman.
    Butler: You will make the repairman fix it?
    Boss: *sarcastic* NO! ONCE THE REPAIRMAN ARRIVES, I AM GOING TO DRENCH HIM IN GASOLINE AND SET HIM ON FIRE!

    The Car:
    Boss: Butler! Is my car broken?
    Butler: Yes, sir.
    Boss: Then get my Ferrari.
    Butler: You will use that to go to work, sir?
    Boss: *sarcastic* NO! I WILL MAKE THE FERRARI GO TO WORK! HURRY UP!

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  9. #39
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    Default Re: HA! Don't make me laugh! - Humor Thread

    How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?



    Experts:



    Group work:
    Last edited by TheMissingno.; 20th February 2013 at 02:23 PM.
    That's nice.

  10. #40
    Registered User Ludwig's Avatar
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    Default Re: HA! Don't make me laugh! - Humor Thread

    Two friends are talking and one says to the other, 'My wife said that if I go to this chess tournament tomorrow she is going to leave me and take this kids with her.'.
    'That's terrible', replied the friend, 'What are you going to do?'
    'Probably 1.e4'

  11. #41
    Dauntless Fried Chicken Voltaire Magneton's Avatar
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    Default Re: HA! Don't make me laugh! - Humor Thread

    When somebody posts a picture on Facebook:


    Then:
    OMG! The beach is so beautiful!

    Now:
    #OMG #beautiful #beach #sand #chairs #water #sun #perfect #weather #jetski #i #love #it! #warm #bikini #body #palm #trees #sunbathing #lotion #surfing #pics #morepics #fun #music #firedancers #everything #smoothies #milkshakes #must #add #more #hashtags #as #desperately #as #i #could #think #of


    And that was Facebook, not Twitter
    Last edited by Voltaire Magneton; 22nd February 2013 at 05:11 AM.
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  12. #42
    Silent in the trees. Kouzan's Avatar
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    Default Re: HA! Don't make me laugh! - Humor Thread

    Ok here's a joke my dad made up.
    What do both a church and a mad scientist both need?



    Original joke do not steel.

  13. #43
    Boring and empty porkchopsandwiches's Avatar
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    Default Re: HA! Don't make me laugh! - Humor Thread

    Saddam's Body Doubles

    The eight Saddam body doubles are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says, "I have some good news and some bad news." They ask for the good news first.

    Aziz says, 'The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs."

    "And the bad news?" they ask.

    Aziz replies, "He's lost an arm."

  14. #44
    Dauntless Fried Chicken Voltaire Magneton's Avatar
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    Default Re: HA! Don't make me laugh! - Humor Thread

    Birthdays are good for your health. Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live longer.

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  15. #45
    Skodwarde's Slave zakisrage's Avatar
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    Default Re: HA! Don't make me laugh! - Humor Thread

    Heather Mills is the most famous pirate of this day and age. She has one leg and she steals money from rich men. Plus she buries treasure (in her case, she buries it in her bank account).

    SpongeBob is SO a tampon. He's absorbent and he lives in Bikini Bottom. He's also Asian because he's yellow and he knows karate.

    Don't forget: when you watch Cinderella backwards, you watch the epic story of a woman learning her place. (No offence, ladies! I don't really think like that!)
    Rhonda: Okay, Curly, I admit it. I'm your secret admirer. And the truth is, no matter how hard I try and fight it, [reading off her hand] I'm really, really wild about you. In fact, I've fallen crazy in love. So what do you say? How does that make you feel?
    Curly: Give Daddy some sugar. (kiss)

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