HA! Don't make me laugh! - Humor Thread

[TheMissingno.]

I'm just kidding, make me laugh please. This will be the Outside the Box humor thread! Post jokes and whatnot or any kind of anecdote that isn't considered a joke but is still funny(?)!

I'll start.

Soviet jokes:

Both the constitutions of the United States and the Soviet Union guarantee freedom of speech, but only the United States guarantees freedom after speech.


Freedom of speech is the same in America as it is in Soviet Russia. In America, you could stand in front of the white house and yell "I hate Reagan!" as much as you want and you won't be arrested, just as in Soviet Russia you could stand in front of the Kremlin and yell "I hate Reagan!" and you won't get arrested.


Latvian jokes:

Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm.


Q : What are one potato say other potato? A : Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?


One day, hear knock on door.
Man ask "Who is?"
"Is potato man, I come around to give free potato"
Man is very excite and opens door.
Man at door say "Just kidding, is secret police."

[Jack Pschitt]

My great-great-grandfather was from Latvia, so I take offense to these jokes. >:c

[Fab]

My great-great-grandfather was from Latvia, so I take offense to these jokes. >:c

That makes it slightly funnier.

My old classic joke -

Knock knock
Who's there?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Philip Glass

[Jack Pschitt]

That makes it slightly funnier.

Actually, my great-great-grandfather was either Polish, Italian, English, or Irish, depending on which ones you choose. So it's not that funny. :I

Here's the first joke I was ever told.

What's the difference between a teacher and a train?

A teacher tells you to spit out your gum, but a train goes "chew, chew".

I'm not sure if I found it funny or not the first time. If not, then I never have.

[Dirk]

What's the difference between a teacher and a train?

A teacher tells you to spit out your gum, but a train goes "chew, chew".

I'm not sure if I found it funny or not the first time. If not, then I never have.

Oh wow ... that was ... xDDDD

Here's one:
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?

He had no body to go with.

Clearly my humour is superior.

[TheMissingno.]

Skeleton jokes, eh?

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

He didn't have the guts.

How do you feel about anti-jokes? I feel they are pretty funny sometimes.


An Irishman walks out of a bar.


What is red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are concepts used to represent quantity and are thus incapable of feeling fear.

[Jack Pschitt]

Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are concepts used to represent quantity and are thus incapable of feeling fear.

Stupid, that's not how it goes
You really don't get this "joke" stuff, do you

Nah, man, anti-humor is the bomb.

[Voltaire Magneton]

3 Reasons Why I Am Lazy:

1.
2.
3.

[Dragonfyre]

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank coffee before it was cool.

[Mitch Chesman]

How does an atheist explain science to their religious significant other?

By reenacting the big bang in bed.

[Jack Pschitt]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

[Fab]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

Lol.

[TheMissingno.]

I think this should be a general humor thread, not just jokes. So I'll leave this here.

[Voltaire Magneton]

Random Person: Five members of a British boy band got hit with a single bullet!

Me: It looks like the bullet went in......................... ONE DIRECTION!!!

(yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhhh!)

[Fab]

A Jew, a Muslim, a Catholic and a Satanist all go to a restaurant and have a fantastic meal and great conversation without their religious or cultural differences spoiling the afternoon out.

Then one of them doesn't tip because he's a cheap bastard.