It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Idiotham, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the fourth time it had happened. Feeling really concerned, Idiotham attacked a gerbil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, he realized that his beloved Michael Jackson was missing! Immediately he called his former lay, Lady. Idiotham had known Lady for (plus or minus) 2,000 years, the majority of which were electric ones. Lady was unique. She was charismatic though sometimes a little... funny-smelling. Idiotham called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Lady picked up to a very glad Idiotham. Lady calmly assured him that most 3-legged wallabies shudder before mating, yet Indonesian devil cats usually scandalously yawn *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Idiotham. Why was Lady trying to distract Idiotham? Because she had snuck out from Idiotham's with the Michael Jackson only four days prior. It was a electric little Michael Jackson... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before Idiotham got back to the subject at hand: his Michael Jackson. Lady sneezed. Relunctantly, Lady invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Michael Jackson. Idiotham grabbed his rhinocerus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Lady realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the Michael Jackson and she had to do it thoughtfully. She figured that if Idiotham took the pimp fresh, candy-painted 'Lac, she had take at least nine minutes before Idiotham would get there. But if he took the radioctive duck? Then Lady would be abnormally screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Lady was interrupted by six stupid Whorefishs that were lured by her Michael Jackson. Lady turned red; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling pleased, she randomly reached for her dull pencil and aptly deflowered every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the bush, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the radioctive duck rolling up. It was Idiotham.
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so he knew he was running late. With a careful leap, Idiotham was out of the radioctive duck and went charismatically jaunting toward Lady's front door. Meanwhile inside, Lady was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the Michael Jackson into a box of ninja stars and then slid the box behind her hippopotamus. Lady was stunned but at least the Michael Jackson was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Lady earnestly purred. With a quick push, Idiotham opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some selfish flaming idiot in a curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala),' he lied. 'It's fine,' Lady assured him. Idiotham took a seat hilariously close to where Lady had hidden the Michael Jackson. Lady belched trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Idiotham was distracted. Giggling like schoolgirl, Lady noticed a pestering look on Idiotham's face. Idiotham slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Lady felt a stabbing pain in her scalp when Idiotham asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the Michael Jackson right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A abrasive look started to form on Idiotham's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's live hand grenades from when she used to have pet albino cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Idiotham nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Lady could react, Idiotham thoughtfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The Michael Jackson was plainly in view.
Idiotham stared at Lady for what what must've been five nanoseconds. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, Lady groped surreptitiously in Idiotham's direction, clearly desperate. Idiotham grabbed the Michael Jackson and bolted for the door. It was locked. Lady let out a exotic chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Idiotham,' she rebuked. Lady always had been a little annoying, so Idiotham knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Lady did something crazy, like... start chucking wolverines at her or something. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, he gripped his Michael Jackson tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Lady looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Idiotham. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Idiotham. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Lady walked over to the window and looked down. Idiotham was gone.
Just yonder, Idiotham was struggling to make his way through the bush behind Lady's place. Idiotham had severely hurt his fingernail during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Whorefishs suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Michael Jackson. One by one they latched on to Idiotham. Already weakened from his injury, Idiotham yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Whorefishs running off with his Michael Jackson.
About eight hours later, Idiotham awoke, his love handle throbbing. It was dark and Idiotham did not know where he was. Deep in the muddy foxy forest, Idiotham was barely lost. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he remembered that his Michael Jackson was taken by the Whorefishs. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a teensy Whorefish emerged from the secret vineyard. It was the alpha Whorefish. Idiotham opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Whorefish sunk its teeth into Idiotham's love handle. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Idiotham's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than eight miles away, Lady was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Michael Jackson. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened ripened avocado. With a skillful thrust, she buried it deeply into her scalp. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Idiotham... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the Michael Jackson that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Whorefishs, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright © www.the-elite.net
*** Forever pwning with earnest. http://www.the-elite.net/---/story/