The Zorua Death Game: Round II

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  1. #1
    the vibration pokemon Nitro's Avatar
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    Default The Zorua Death Game: Round II

    A very similar story to the original. To prospective readers: Be warned because personally, I think this story is really gruesome. There's definitely some nasty imagery. I'm not saying this is going to scar you for life like Alaska would, but if you're a softie, you might not want to read this.



    Zoroark purred softly. The pitch-black Pokemon slinked underneath a tree in the midnight darkness, putting down her twin newborns underneath the evergreen's shadow. They were snoring peacefully. Zoroark knew she would never see her pups again. She had no regrets.

    Years ago, when she had been a mere baby, Zoroark had faced the challenge her pups would face upon waking up for the first time. She wished her younglings luck, and watched them with serene eyes - the only time in her life her eyes had worn a calm emotion.

    One of the Zorua turned in his sleep, and bumped into the other. That Zorua woke up, and his piercing blue eyes were almost like spotlights in the darkness. They registered on something behind their mother, and growled angrily. The other Zorua awoke, and her eyes settled on the same thing.

    Zoroark turned to meet the Pokemon that had disrupted her babies' rest. As the two Zorua began to transform, Zoroark savagely leapt on the Pokemon. She began to run with her prey in her mouth, blood dripping from the Pokemon's carcass. It was dinner time.

    +++

    "Wurmple?"

    The fuzzy red caterpillar opened his eyes, groaning as he awoke. The branches of a tree stretched over him. He could feel grass underneath him, and a tree trunk against his back.

    "Wurmple?" another voice asked. Wurmple turned his head towards the source of the voice. There was another Wurmple looking at him, curiosity evident in her wide yellow eyes.

    "Wurmple?" she repeated.

    Both Pokemon stared at each other. They had no recollection and no memories of anything. This was their first day in the world.

    "Wurmple..." The male Wurmple began to crawl out of the tree's shade, the female following closely.

    They caught their first glimpse of the world in all of her glory. The morning sun's rays pierced through the treetops of surrounding trees, and the chirping of morning birds could be heard in the distance. The wonderful smell of the free, forest air graced the noses of the Wurmple.

    All of a sudden, the male Wurmple fell over, blindsided by an unknown stranger.

    "Poochyena," growled the newcomer threateningly.

    Both Wurmple turned to face the attacker, startled. Surprise turned into fear when they saw the hostile Pokemon. The Poochyena eyed both of the Bug Pokemon with an intense look. His gray-and-black fur matched his violent attitude, and sharp fangs were poking out of his snarl. It was clear as day to both Wurmple that this Poochyena had the intent to kill them.

    Poochyena took a step forward. This would be an easy feast for him.

    "Wurmple..." the male whimpered, cowering in fear. The female hid behind him, even more terrified. The two baby Pokemon had just waken up to this world, and now they had to contend with this terrifying and violent stranger. The Pokemon world was clearly a harsh place from the beginning, but this had to be overkill.

    "Poochyena." The Pokemon took another intimidating step towards the Wurmple, glowering at them. The Wurmple backed up, and their backs hit a tree. They were cornered with no way out.

    Swallowing his fear, the male Wurmple bravely crawled an inch towards the Poochyena. He was afraid, but there was no other option. He had to stand up. Determination began to fill up his heart. He knew he would have to fight this Poochyena for his life. The resilience in his heart blossomed, and he gradually crawled closer and closer to Poochyena. The female followed his lead, the same grim determination blooming throughout her.

    Suddenly, the two Wurmple begun to transform. Their fuzzy red skin morphed into long black fur marked by red accentuations. They grew from their caterpillar shape into the graceful form of a small fox. Their eyes were no longer the scared yellow eyes of the Wurmple, but the cold blue eyes of Zorua.

    "Zorua," they growled in unison.

    Knowledge settled instantly into the minds of the Zorua as their true identity took hold. They were Zorua - not Wurmple, Zorua. Their Illusion ability had been activated at birth, transforming them into the first Pokemon they had seen. The determination to fight that had crawled into their minds had unlocked their true forms. But, they were no longer afraid. They were ready to kill - no more, no less. Quite simply, the time for death was at hand.

    "Poochyena?" the Pokemon blinked in confusion. The two weakling Wurmple had suddenly transformed into black foxes he had never seen before. He didn't know what was going on. Looking at the pair of Zorua, he realized in their harsh stares that he would not be allowed to run. The only option left, then, was to attack. The Poochyena rushed towards the two Zorua, his fangs bared. He was ready for a fight.

    Coldly, the two Zorua sidestepped the Poochyena, allowing the Pokemon to dash straight between them. Then, they dug their teeth into his flank.

    "Poochyena!" the Pokemon howled in pain, crumbling to his knees immediately. Blood flowed from the deep bite marks. The crimson liquid fell down the Pokemon's side, and dripped on to the ground. The smell of blood energized the Zorua, and they continued their assault with added aggression and newfound brutality.

    The male tore at the Poochyena's neck, ripping the head clean off. The female went at the Pokemon's chest, tearing the flesh free. A puddle of blood pooled around the Poochyena's dead body, wetting the Zorua's feet.

    The two Zorua made no move to step out of the puddle, unnerved by their dampened fur. Instead, they stepped closer to Poochyena. Almost gracefully, they sunk their teeth in. It was time for their first meal.

    The fight had lasted mere moments. The Zorua had won. They looked at each other, the Poochyena's bloodied flesh hanging from their sharp teeth.

    They were comrades. Together, they had crawled into the world as Wurmple, and together, they had made the transition to Zorua. Now, they would move on in life together. As partners.

    The two Zorua returned to their meal - the first of many. Fresh meat and the blood of another creature travelled down their throats, and the desire for more, more than this one Pokemon's carcass had to offer, developed.

    Let the games begin.


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  2. #2
    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Zorua Death Game: Round II

    AS MUCH AS I HATE SHORT STORIES I CLAIM THIS

    Plot/Introduction:

    Introduction ~ Your introduction wasn’t clear about was going on, so it didn’t make sense until the ending. I don’t know if that was your intention to disguise the identity of the two Zorua or that it was accidental. If was an accident on your part be sure to read your stuff thoroughly and examine it from multiple angles. If it was on purpose then kudos because I feel that you got what you wanted.

    In terms of your other content here the beginning really set the tone for the rest of the story. A dark, grim and deadly mood permeated the tale. Your word choice really lent it to this style too, good job.


    Plot ~ Well, at first I thought you intend to see the stories from the Wurmple side of things before they were devoured by the mother or twins, so the Illusion aspect was a nice touch. If I had been looking for Illusion it would have been obvious but I wasn’t.

    Now, because this is a very short story there isn’t much I can critique or help you with due to its length. But they one thing I would have like to seen was a better description of the fight between the twins and Poochyena. You described the first salvo of blows and left it at that. You still had length to write more so I was disappointed in this aspect. Since this was a fight to the death Poochyena would have fought madly, and since the twins are newborn they might have had a fight on their hands. This isn’t that big a deal because of the Pokemon rank, but I’ll expect better for tough ‘Mon.


    Grammar: Nothing I saw.

    Detail: Short story but you covered the basics of sight, what the Pokemon looked like, and what forest appeared to be. In terms of the style of this story I felt you could have developed the senses of taste and smell more than you did.

    The two Zorua returned to their meal - the first of many. Fresh meat and the blood of another creature traveled down their throats, and the desire for more, more than this one Pokemon's carcass had to offer, developed.
    ~ You scratched it at the surface here, but you could have took the next step and talked about the metallic taste in the air from the blood. Or the tangy taste of the Poochyena coupled with the warm blood as it cascade down their throats and covered their bodies in a warm coating. I think you get my point, just something to watch out for in the future.

    Length: Wurmple.

    Conclusion:

    @Nitro
    Last edited by AmericanTreeFrog; 30th October 2011 at 03:56 PM.
    Nitro likes this.
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