Zane's Stories, Part I - The Blur In The Treetops

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  1. #1
    Now I've Seen It All! Metabee's Avatar
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    Default Zane's Stories, Part I - The Blur In The Treetops

    The Blur In The Treetops
    By Apollo's Caterpie



    No matter what kind of person you are, everybody acts on instinct. One of the many things that people have trouble stopping themselves from doing is going over to a crying child to see what's wrong. This is exactly where Zane's story began. He couldn't stop himself from going over to see what was wrong with the weeping little girl, sitting by herself on a bench while he was walking in the Johto National Park.

    "Hey, what's wrong?" he asked her in a soft, caring voice, sitting himself down next to her. The girl sniffled and wiped the tears from her eyes, and turned to look at him. Her eyes were bloodshot, her face was glowing scarlet and her cheeks looked damp.

    "The big green bug s-stole m-my Eggy..." she sniffed, trying her best to hold back the tears as she remembered the experience. Zane raised an eyebrow, confused.

    "Eggy? Is that your Pokémon?" he asked her, the caring tone still present. The girl nodded her head.

    "My Togepi..." she muttered, wiping her face again. Zane scratched the back of his head.

    "Oh. Well, where did this big green bug run off to?" he asked her. She looked up and pointed into the woods to the north. Zane frowned, but then smiled kindly at the girl and stood up, clenching his fists.

    "Don't worry. I'll get your Eggy back!" Zane grinned. The little girl's eyes lit up.

    "Really? Honest and for true?" she gasped, standing up and clasping her hands together. Zane bent over to her and smiled.

    "Sure. Now, go and find your mummy and leave everything to me," Zane smiled. The girl clapped and giggled, and Zane laughed back at her. He then turned away from her, gazing towards the woods in the north. Then, he trotted calmly towards them, shoving his hand in his black leather jacket's pockets, his black denim jeans scraping together, his large black boots clunking against the pavement and his long shredded-up purple scarf swaying in the breeze.


    ===***===


    Zane was sitting on a fallen log, which was covered in mushrooms and moss, as he watched a Rattata knaw at a piece of tree bark. He'd been searching this forest for the best part of twenty minutes now, and he was starting to get a little impatient. He was absent mindedly twirling a stick between his fingers, trying to figure out if he would ever be able to find this devious beast.

    Suddenly, he saw a blur darting through the trees above him, visible thanks to a ray of light peeking through the treetops. And that blur looked a bit green. Zane bounced off of the log, dropping the stick and bolted through the trees, pursuing the creature. However, Zane knew it would be difficult catching this creature, since it could go anywhere it wanted by leaping from branch to branch while Zane was forced to navigate through a maze of tree trunks.

    "Willow, try and spot that green blur for me!" Zane called out, throwing a Poké Ball ahead of him. It bounced, cracked open with a flash of light, and Zane's Duskull, Willow, ascended out of it. The Poké Ball then immediately sealed itself and Zane caught it while it was in mid-air. Willow darted upwards, phasing through the tree trunks as it tried to find what his master had described. His eye swivelled back and forth, surveying the area, until he spotted the green blur that Zane had described. He floated after it as quickly as he could. However, the enemy was still much faster than Willow. Zane thought for a second, and then came up with an idea.

    "Willow, try and use Pursuit on it!" Zane called above him, chasing after the ominous glow of Willow's single eye. Suddenly, Willow dashed forward, allowing it to catch up to the blur. It then collided with the creature, throwing it from the tree tops and causing it to land with a crash right in front of Zane.

    "Nice work, Willow. Now, let's see what we've got here..." Zane grinned, but his face fell when he realised what he was looking at. It was a Mankey, staring down at a cracked open watermelon that it appeared to have been carrying. The Mankey appeared to be solemn. It looked up and glared at Zane, then suddenly leaped at him and started scratching at his face. Zane threw his arms up, shielding himself from any severe damage.

    "Urgh! Willow, use Payback!" Zane called out. The ghost threw itself upon the Mankey, curling up it's rag of an arm and punching it in the nose. The Mankey was thrown onto it's back, but it self righted itself in an instant. It rushed towards Willow and sliced at it with a Karate Chop, but the attack went straight through it. The Mankey seemed utterly bewildered, and Willow took this chance to throw another Payback attack at it. The Mankey was again thrown onto it's back, but it pushed itself up again, not willing to give up.

    "Come on, Willow! Finish it off with a Night Shade!" Zane called out. Willow's eye shuddered between his eye sockets, and an static ray of red and black energy burst from within the ghost, zooming towards the Mankey and then electrocuting it. The Mankey swayed for a second, and then fell backwards again. This time, it had a bit more trouble pushing itself back up, as it's legs were wobbling beneath it and it seemed to be having trouble standing. It appeared that Zane had weakened it enough, so he threw a Poké Ball at it. There was a flash of red light, and the Mankey vanished. The ball lay there on the grass, and then it shuddered. Then it shuddered again. Then it shuddered a third time, then stopped shuddering. There was a pinging noise, showing that the capture was successful.

    "Nice one, Willow," Zane grinned, holding up a palm. The Duskull floated over and slapped it, and Zane bent down to pick the ball up. Zane looked up, observing the tree that the Mankey had fallen from only a short while ago.

    "Hmm. A Chestnut Oak... hey, why don't I call it that? Chestnut?" Zane smiled, snapping his fingers when the idea came to him. He looked over at Willow for approval. Willow shrugged his shoulders. Zane took that as an 'okay'.

    "Fine then. Chestnut the Mankey it is," Zane confirmed, nodding his head, "but we've still got to find that bug that stole that girl's Togepi. Come on."

    And with that, Zane and Willow continued on, into the undergrowth.


    ===***===


    Pokemon targetted: Mankey
    Difficulty: Simple
    Expected Length: 5k-10k
    Length of story: 6186 characters
    Last edited by Metabee; 18th April 2010 at 05:06 AM. Reason: A few grammatical errors have been fixed.
    i haven't changed this signature for like sixteen years
    i guess i'll put a link to that fic i'm planning on doing one day

  2. #2
    Head of the URPG HKim's Avatar
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    Default Re: Zane's Stories, Part I - The Blur In The Treetops

    Hello again, Apollo. Good to see you.

    It will be my pleasure to grade your story.


    Introduction

    Very beautiful. In fact, so good that I really don't have much to say about it. You begin with an excellent comment on human nature, which easily translates into action in your story. There is no confusion, no doubt, no jarring pauses. Your story flows as natural as the river.

    And quite an act too, for Zane to help the poor little girl retrieve her Togepi. I must admit, those touching moments really resonate with me. I like people who do good acts because it's the right thing to do. This Zane person is someone we should all aspire to be like.

    Perhaps you're lucky you found a grader who is just as fond of heroes as you are.


    Length

    Your goal for a Simple Pokemon is 5k-10k. You have 6,151 characters without spaces. You're in the range, a little on the light side.

    Don't worry though. In those characters, you write an amazing tale.


    Plot

    You know what I discovered? It's really hard to grade a story when it's good. What is there to say to help a writer better his skills? What is there to say when everything is properly written?

    Not much, let me tell you.

    You have a logical transition from Zane agreeing to help a little girl to chasing after a Mankey. Even though it was not the Pokemon he was looking for, it certainly put up a fight, and for valid reason. It's being chased and attacked! Can't fault that logic.

    All I can say is that I look forward to the next chapter to see what will happen!


    Description and Detail

    Finally, something I can comment on!

    I would like a bit more description on Zane, the main character. I get bits and pieces here and there, but not really what he looks like. That would certainly better help me figure out what the protagonist is like.

    I like the description of the Pokemon though. You've certainly thought this through and ensured that they come to life from these digital pages. I especially liked the mention of Willow's single eye, not many people would write that in. It's little things like this that truly make a story special.

    Add in more detail whenever you can. You're doing great already and I don't know if there is anything more I can suggest!


    Grammar

    You have a natural grasp of English and I highly suspect you're an experienced writer, and a very natural one at that. In fact, you're probably more skilled than me (making me feel under-qualified to be grading your story). I probably should get Kat, Emma, or George to grade your stories next time. They could certainly give you a lot more feedback than I can.

    Only one mistake I spotted.

    The ghost threw itself upon the Mankey, curling up its rag of an arm and punching it in the nose.

    "it's" should have been "its".

    A simple mistake I've made plenty of times.


    Battle

    I'll admit that this is the first story I've read that had such an engaging and descriptive battle. You handled the problem of Mankey's quick escape with strong descriptions and good logic. I was able to see each and every attack and how it occurred. You even remembered that ghost Pokemon are unaffected by fighting moves.

    I especially liked the description of Mankey scratching Zane's face. It's just really funny. Can't explain why.

    You did an amazing job here. A+


    Outcome

    There isn't much else to say. I've said it all already.

    Mankey Captured!

    Good job. I'm sorry I couldn't have given you any more advice for your story. I look forward to seeing what else you write.
    Last edited by HKim; 23rd April 2010 at 02:25 AM.

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