...A Parody Story
My first impressions of the story on a whole.
I had to go back and read the first post in order to understand what was going on in this story. The first thing the stuck out in my mind was: you need a warning. We urge writers that include touchy subjects like sex and death to put some kind of disclaimer, so that the younger minds on the forums are "protected." Just think if parents would let their kids read this. I know, I know, cartoon violence is A-Ok, but actually mauling and killing is not.
What stuck out in my mind as I was reading as unusual.
EVERYTHING! Understanding that this is a parody, I let most of it slide. Though, almost everything had a "logical" progression, except for one. The sumo wrestling gym didn't add at all to the story. They visited it, saw something, and then left. If it played into the plot later, it would have made more sense, but as is, it doesn't fit into the story besides being wacky. Compare this to the ramen cart man. At first he seems like just another thing you added in for a boost in characters, but then he actually came into play when he was hungry, and that interaction further developed the relationship with Alex.
What kind of picture did you paint with your words
My brain hurts picturing everything that was going on. You nicely described the outlandish events like the dreams and the killings and the sumos, but you didn't describe the battle in as great of detail. You have a great, albeit sick, way of describing things, and it would have been nice to see that in the battle, like more blood and snot flowing from the wounds of the attack or something. The battle was way too fast to be enjoyable.
For example: Kingkarp then splashed up again, and hit Alex three times with all of it's body strength. You can expand this well into its own paragraph. As is, the battle was like: oh, look he's buff, oh look, Sneasel is down. Pretty boring. Beef this section up with that witty humor and description that I've seen in the rest of the story, and this section would be marked better.
What you're high school english teacher would point out.
So, I know I'm not supposed to be nit-picky, but just because it is a parody, doesn't mean you can just slide passed the grammar.
I bypass most the dialogue, since people's articulation translates to paper in very incorrect grammar. However, you have trouble with dialogue tags. Dialogue tags are the phrases that are a part of the dialogue being said. For example: I said, "Jesus, stop kicking me in the nads." Inside the quotes is the dialogue, while "I said," is the dialogue tag. Now the way you punctuate the sentence depends on whether or not the dialogue tag is acting upon the sentence. If it is, commas are used and the dialogue tag is a part of the sentence.
"I love orange soda," the man said.
This is correct.
"I love orange soda," the man smiled.
This is incorrect.
The reasoning is that you can't smile a sentence. Saying is the act of producing dialogue, so when using it, a comma is needed. When an emotional word like smiled or sneered is used, it should look like this:
"I love orange soda." The man smiled.
Now the flip side to this is that words like sneered are defined as to be "to speak with blah blah emotion." However, grammar doesn't care for what the dictionary says. If it looks weird to the reader, it is typically wrong.
Throughout your entire story, you do not properly use commas, periods and capitalization when it comes to dialogue tags.
"Hah, I guess you can stop now Alex. Lets go, leave him here." said
This is just one of many examples. Johnny said this, so the period should be a comma.
To tag onto the above, when you separate a long piece of dialogue with a dialogue tag, you should use commas where necessary. For example:
" said the Sneasel, who dug it's claws further into Ramiro as the poor bastard cried out in pain. "Want
to watch what I'm going to do next?"
Since "Fine then" and "Want to watch..." is a part of the same thought, the above sentence should read as follows:
"Fine then," said the Sneasel, who dug it's claws further into Ramiro as the poor bastard cried out in pain, "want to watch what I'm going to do next?"
Remember, Sneasel said both, so commas must be used. Also, the second phrase of the idea is lowercase as opposed to if you wrote:
Sneasel said, "Want to watch..."
This again is because the phrase is a continuation of "Fine then" which in the beginning of the sentence.
Another thing in the first few lines, you forget to capitalized “Kingkarp” once. Since all the names in your story are capitalized, this is considered wrong.
"sooverpowering" isn't a word
You also use "its" and "it's" incorrectly. Remember: "it's" = it is while "its" = possessive of a genderless thing.
Lastly: You misuse commas when it comes to compound sentences. One example:
Kingkarp then splashed up again, and
hit Alex three times with all of it's
First off, "it's" should be "its." Secondly, the subject, Kingkarp, is both splashing and hitting, so no comma is needed, since it is just 2 verbs to the same 1 subject.
Johnny looked to the sky,
it was a day with a bright sunlight beaming through the trees,
with no clouds whatsoever.
This is a run-on sentence. An easy fix is to replace the first comma with a semicolon, because the two sentences relate to each other. The second comma isn't correct, because "with no clouds whatsoever" is a prepositional phrase (with, on, in, at, etc.).
The length of time it felt like to read this story.
I actually got through both chapters rather quickly. The story was funny and enjoyable, which drew me into the plot.
Really? I have these?
Honestly, I really enjoyed this story with all the satire and shout-outs to pop culture (esppecially the droogs). However, the wackiness combined with the ghastly grammar tended to make yourself appear as a person with good ideas, but bad writing skills. That is to say, the plot was good, but how you presented is seemed sloppy.
One Liner Wrap Ups
Plot/Reality: OMG my brain is laughing
Details: My droggs wish for a more entertaining climax and conclusion.
Grammar: "Not so good my funny funny friend." said the man, with the cape.
Length: I could read this on a train ride, though those around me wouldn't appreciate my laughter.