The Worst Friend Ever (Ready for Grade)

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Thread: The Worst Friend Ever (Ready for Grade)

  1. #1
    Walking Paradox august13th's Avatar
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    Default The Worst Friend Ever (Ready for Grade)

    Characters required for Magikarp capture: 3000-5000
    Characters In dis' story: 8842




    Johnny Derpmaster looks at disgust at the latest writings on his laptop, reading over them and noticing how horrible they were. "Stupid Johnny, Mareeps don't dream about power plants!" he said, frustration stemming from his writer's block. All the video games were beaten. All the forums were trolled. All of the girlfriends were mad. He was supposed to be a Pokemon trainer by now, but the local professor had been sent to jail for pedophilia.

    Johnny's town still doesn't have a new professor. Johnny had nothing to do.

    Except turn on the television.

    Johnny Derpmaster never turned on the television anymore, not since they canceled Toonami. He was in his hour of need, his desperation was great. Reluctantly...John moves his hand to the remote, and turns on his television.

    It was a strange sight for Johnny. Reporters were on the screen giving the play-by play of a seemingly mundane local beach. However, the voice of the reporter was frantic, and pleading. Johnny chose not to listen and he changed the channel to the one with cartoons.

    The same thing was on, just from a different perspective, and it appeared to be at the same beach. "Oh come on, are you kidding me? I hate the news." said Johnny, growing increasingly worried that his boredom wouldn't be alleviated today. Johnny decided to turn up the television to hear what the reporter was saying.

    "This is Channel 43546-9 at the scene, at this dire tragedy. As many of you know, this beach is home to some of the worlds largest and most prized Magikarp. It is the source of all the tourism to our town, and generates nearly our entire economy. But due to a national corporation's actions, every Magikarp in this area of ocean has been infected with the L.U.L.Z virus. A cure is being worked on as we speak, but by the end of the hour the Magikarp will have breached the barrier."

    The camera turns away from the scaredy-cat reporter to the barrier at hand, a flimsy grouping of resurrected Shieldon shy away from the water while red blobs can be seen jumping high into the air.

    A Shieldon turns its head to the ocean and begins to run away, after bumping into another Shieldon. The Shieldon barrier was being broken by one bad link, and they all stormed past the reporters. A baby Shieldon straggled behind the rest, still playful and attempting to catch up with the fearful group.

    "The barrier has been broken already!" screamed the reporter.

    The jumping blobs were closer than before, moving faster and faster. Out of nowhere, the camera catches one gigantic Magikarp jump out of the water, fifty feet into the air. The baby Shieldon tries to catch up, but it is soon engulfed by the shadow of the gigantic Magikarp.

    The Magikarp comes crashing down, crushing every bone in the Shieldon's body. The Magikarp continues to splash on, faster this time. The Shieldon lay in a deep pool of it's own blood and excrement, screaming one final 64-bit cry as it died.

    "It isn't safe here anymore, lets get out of here!" shouts the reporter, getting the camera man to run along with him along to the safety of the News Van. "OH MY GAWD!" shouted the reporter, as he noticed a nimble

    Magikarp had bitten onto his leg and wouldn't let go. "HALP, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" screamed the reporter, as the man with the camera kept running for his life while taking his friend's final moments on video tape. A second and third Magikarp came from behind, and they grab onto his legs with their mouths, and drag him. The man behind the camera stops for a second, to get a better look at this. The legs of his friends are being ripped to shreds, eaten by ravenous Magikarp. It didn't stop there however. The Magikarp moved upwards, while slowly dragging his body into the ocean as he screamed in agony, that turned into muffled glubs.

    More Magikarp came splashing from the ocean, just as fast as the previous ones. The camera man turns and begins to run back to the van, but now he has noticed along with his audience that the van is long gone, hopefully to a safer place. The camera drops lower, possibly the camera man dropping to his knees out of pain.

    The camera is safely held onto, but a Magikarp is seen from the side. It pushes the camera out of his hand, and as it falls the picture fades to black.

    "H-holy shit!" exclaimed Johnny Derpmaster as he tucked his laptop neatly into his gigantic bottomless afro which held a multitude of weapons prepared just for this. He made sure to grab a potion from his PC before he left, and he ran downstairs.

    "Where are you going dear?" asked his mother.

    "Can't talk now, Magikpacolypse." muttered Johnny to his mother as he walked out the door.

    "Be back by dinner." she said, bored.

    This is the day Johnny Derpmaster had been waiting for. The day where all the Magikarp rose up and fought back against their oppressors. He however, would repress them further by killing as many as possible. As he moved his fat ass towards the beach, he was stopped by local grizzled bum.

    "It's the Magikpacolypse kiddo, did ya prepare like I told ya?" asked the bum, showing him the lack of teeth in his mouth, while simultaneously releasing a vile odor.

    "SIR YES SIR!" yelled Johnny at the top of his lungs. "I imported my fishing rods and guns exactly like ya' told me!"

    "Excellent." said the bum. Lez' go to the beach."


    MEANWHILE...



    The Magikarp were quite dumb by themselves, but they had powerful leader. Kingkarp, the biggest of them all and the sole Magikarp blessed with true intelligence by the L.U.L.Z virus. He would use his new super-human level intelligence to conquer the world, and survey the new land that he owned.

    "It is not enough, I demand a thousandfold of this." in his weird Magikarp voice.

    "Bu-b-but Kingkarp...our army will be too divided if we take more land." squealed Porky the Karp.

    "YOU DARE CHALLENGE MY AUTHORITY?!" asked an enraged Kingkarp. Porky attempted to flee, but was splashed painfully by Kingkarp. Kingkarp in a bloodlust kept on splashing and splashing at Porky, until his battered body was nothing more than blood on the sand. The other Karps looked at Porky's freshly 2D body with fear, as they moved faster on their weird jobs, whatever they were.

    "Divide and conquer." sneered Kingkarp, as his fate would soon collide with Johnny Derpmaster.

    BACK ON TRACK!


    Derpmaster and his Bummy friend Bum walked towards the beach, each taking a sawed-off shotgun from John's
    magnificent afro.

    "Are we there yet?" asked Johnny.

    "No." replied Bum.

    "How about now?"

    "No!"

    Johnny waited around 30 seconds for his next inquiry.

    "Now?"

    "Actually yeah." said Bum.


    Kingkarp sat on his throne made of slowpoke tails, staring at Derpmaster and his lowly bum friend, prepared to fight.

    "Leave us, Magikarp!" postured Johnny, firing a shot into the air.

    "Foolish boys. My name is Kingkarp, and I hate both of you. Both of you are fat, retarded, no-lives who spend every second of their day trying to stop me from taking over the world. You are everything bad in the world. Honestly, have any of you ever gotten any Pokemon captures? I mean, I guess it's fun making fun of people because of their ambition, but you all take to a whole new level. This is even worse than jerking off to pictures of your rival.

    Don't be a stranger, fools. Just hit me with your best shot. I'm pretty much perfect. I was captain of the splashteam, and starter on my tackle team. What sports do you play, other than "Fail of Warfare 2?" I also get awesome things to do every day, and have a banging hot girlfriend (She just blew me; Shit was SO SPLASH). Kill yourselves. Thanks for listening."


    "What the hell did that thing just say to us?" asked Bum, through his toothless mouth.

    "Kill him first, he did not understand me." screamed Kingkarp in a rage. Magikarps converged onto Bum, and began tackling him to the ground.

    "NO!!! BUMMY!!!" screamed Johnny Derpmaster at the top of his lungs.

    "TAKE THIS KID! YOU WANNA CAPTURE KINGKARP!" John was given a small, solitary Pokeball. He had never held one. He looked at it, amazed as Bum was ripped down to nothing more than a skeleton.

    "Shiny..." said Johnny as Bum's head was moved to Kingkarp, and affixed to his head like a crown.

    "Now, now boy. I'm sure you'll miss your friend here. But do not worry, we can work together. With my extreme intelligence, and your...legs...we can take over this world, together. All of my females are now yours to do with whatever you please. They do things that your filthy human girls do not. Think about i-" as Kingkarp was cut off.

    "POKEBALL, GO!" as Johnny Derpmaster threw his new shiny Pokeball at Kingkarp.

    "YOU FUCKING IDIOT!" screamed Kingkarp as he was smacked hard by the Pokeball, and disipated into a red light that rushed in the ball.

    It shook once.
    Twice.
    ...
    Last edited by august13th; 25th July 2010 at 05:14 PM.

    lindsey is my waifu

  2. #2
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: THE DAY OF ALL THE MAGIKARP (redy 4 grade)

    Claimed by your brilliant master, Alaskapigeon.
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
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  3. #3
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: THE DAY OF ALL THE MAGIKARP (redy 4 grade)

    Intro: Your intro was funny and drew me into your story. You didn't describe your main character until later, but that's perfectly fine. Basically, your intro did what it was supposed to: establish the mood for the story, draw the reader in, and introduce the main character. Good job.

    Plot: If nothing else, your plot was interesting and unique. I laughed several times, especially when I realized you were parodying internet trolls. You have a funny, original plot for a Magikarp. I award you full points.

    Dialogue: Even though this was a parody (and therefore has a right to be a bit stupid), your dialogue was still a little hard to understand at times, and riddled with grammatical errors which I've pointed out below.

    Grammar:

    You use an awkward description here:

    Johnny Derpmaster looks at disgust at the latest writings on his laptop, reading over them and noticing how horrible they were.
    That would look better as:

    Johnny Derpmaster looked disgusted at the latest writings on his laptop, reading over them and noticing how horrible they were.
    You pulled a tense change here:

    Johnny's town still doesn't have a new professor. Johnny had nothing to do.
    Sense your story is in the past tense, it should be:

    Johnny's town still didn't have a new professor. Johnny had nothing to do.
    Here's another tense change. You have to watch out for these:

    Johnny Derpmaster never turned on the television anymore, not since they canceled Toonami. He was in his hour of need, his desperation was great. Reluctantly...John moves his hand to the remote, and turns on his television.
    Those should be:

    Johnny Derpmaster never turned on the television anymore, not since they canceled Toonami. He was in his hour of need, his desperation was great. Reluctantly...John moved his hand to the remote, and turned on his television.
    You need to add some commas in this paragraph:

    "This is Channel 43546-9 at the scene, at this dire tragedy. As many of you know, this beach is home to some of the worlds largest and most prized Magikarp. It is the source of all the tourism to our town, and generates nearly our entire economy. But due to a national corporation's actions, every Magikarp in this area of ocean has been infected with the L.U.L.Z virus. A cure is being worked on as we speak, but by the end of the hour the Magikarp will have breached the barrier."
    All that should be:

    "This is Channel 43546-9 at the scene, at this dire tragedy. As many of you know, this beach is home to some of the worlds largest and most prized Magikarp. It is the source of all the tourism to our town, and generates nearly our entire economy, but due to a national corporation's actions, every Magikarp in this area of ocean has been infected with the L.U.L.Z virus. A cure is being worked on as we speak, but by the end of the hour, the Magikarp will have breached the barrier."
    This might have been supposed to be a joke, but it would look better spelled correctly:

    "OH MY GAWD!"
    It should be:

    "OH MY GOD!"
    Here's another comma problem. You connect dialogue to the speaking verb with commas, not periods:

    "Be back by dinner." she said, bored.
    That should be:

    "Be back by dinner," she said, bored.
    You forgot to put a speaking verb here:

    "It is not enough, I demand a thousandfold of this." in his weird Magikarp voice.
    It should be:

    "It is not enough, I demand a thousandfold of this," he said in his weird Magikarp voice.
    Detail: Honestly, I was prepared to yell at you for not describing your main character, but you ended up doing this throughout the story, so congrats. You also described all the scenes well, and all the gorey cartoon violence. The only thing you didn't describe were the Pokemon. In your stories, you should always give at least a brief description of each Pokemon, so that if the person reading can't draw up a perfect image of it in their mind, you can help them remember. With each new generation, this becomes more and more important.

    Length: Magikarp require a minimum of 3k and you have almost 9k, so congrats. Good job, here.

    Reality: Obviously, there were parts of your story that were unrealistic, but since this is a parody, it doesn't matter.

    Personal Feelings: I liked your story. It ws entertaining, and it made me laugh. I'm going to have to say....

    Outcome: Magikarp...captured.

    Your story was funny and unique, but you definitely need to practice better grammar habits, and work more on describing Pokemon. You did describe the Magikarp, but I wish you would have gone more in depth, and described the Shieldon as well. In any case, I award you with the brand spanking new Magikarp.



    I have one small question though: Was the part about Mareep dreaming about power plants inspired by the book Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? If it was, props. If not, that's the book I, Robot was based on.
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
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  4. #4
    Registered User sakura-chan's Avatar
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    Default Re: THE DAY OF ALL THE MAGIKARP (redy 4 grade)

    the day of all the magikarp sounds fun but what is it about anyway????im new here and i need to get 10 posts what does that wxactly mean i feel hopeless coming back from korea and my age is toooooooo young why am i saying this im just tooooo depreeessed and i just got a dog so tiring

  5. #5
    Registered User sakura-chan's Avatar
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    Default Re: THE DAY OF ALL THE MAGIKARP (redy 4 grade)

    i am not a bro ima female bro doesnt it make sense of me talking?????welll nice to meet u im sakura im new :)

  6. #6
    Walking Paradox august13th's Avatar
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    Default Re: THE DAY OF ALL THE MAGIKARP (redy 4 grade)

    johnny derpmaster stories have no true plot

    it is the written manifestation of the characters i create while i'm in the shower, and their personal relationships and struggles
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Journey to Pokémax prison coming soon, stay on your motherfucking toes
    Last edited by august13th; 24th June 2010 at 11:04 PM.

    lindsey is my waifu

  7. #7
    Registered User sakura-chan's Avatar
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    Default Re: THE DAY OF ALL THE MAGIKARP (redy 4 grade)

    :]than ur a guy since u know or......

  8. #8
    Insane Particle Collider Pman's Avatar
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    Default Re: THE DAY OF ALL THE MAGIKARP (redy 4 grade)

    you are a genius, but why so long a story for a magikarp?
    URPG Snowbelle Leader
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  9. #9
    The Antithesis of Fun Feng's Avatar
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    Default Re: Journey to Pokémax prison (ITS NOT READY YET)

    I lyke story, this story is sexayyy. I lyke it.




  10. #10
    a Pidge's Avatar
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    Default Re: Journey to Pokémax prison (ITS NOT READY YET)

    One question: Has anyone as so far as can have ever been before Magikarp?


  11. #11
    Walking Paradox august13th's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Worst Friend Ever

    The shadowy boss sat upon his throne, looking at a live panoramic feed of the beachfront. How he got all those cameras there, it will never be known.

    "Why has my Magikpacolypse failed, Chad?"

    "I-I don't know bro. Looks like that bro over there caught kingkarp." said a young man in his early Twenties.

    "Why didn't you make Kingkarp stronger, Chad? This was the first step in the plan, it will take many days to change our operations."

    "I'm sorry bro, please forgive me!" screamed Chad. It was to no avail, the shadowy boss was too angry with him.

    "Release the hounds." snarled the dark lord, as two shadowy Pokemon with horns appeared on both sides of his throne. They carried themselves stealthily as Chad began to cower in fear.

    "Naw brah, naw! Not the DOOMS!" were his last words as the two hellhounds bit at every part of him, while the shadowy boss cackled maniacally into the night.

    "This nigga is TIRED." said Johnny Derpmaster as he stared at his new Pokeball, shining in the light. "Shame Bummy had to die, but now I'm a Pokemon trainer!" he said with glee. His dreams would finally become fulfilled, and he knew his journey would start sometime soon, he reflected over the capture...

    After Bummy was flattened, and Magikarp was captured, the Magikarps began to go insane. They started splashing each other, with seemingly no accord to who was who. Johnny watched as a little baby Magikarp tried to flee, but was crushed by a wave of murderous Karps. He wondered what happened to make them turn on each other. Needless to say, he got the fuck out of there. The sun was setting as the lake turned red with the blood of dead Pokemon. A very beautiful scene. Johnny Derpmaster fell into sleep with this peaceful dream.

    The scene replayed in his dream, but instead of Johnny being the hero, it was Adam Sandler. Sandler had just caught the giant Magikarp. Johnny was watching the Magickpacolypse movie, and it was pretty good. The scene winded down as Adam Sandler took a sensual dump over the nearest Magikarp he could find, complete with music from Barry White. A man with a flashlight peered through each of the rows, and he stopped at Johnny Derpmaster.

    "KIDDO. SHOW ME YOUR TICKET." Everyone turned to look at Johnny as he shrugged. He snuck in, who honestly gave a shit? It was his dream, right?

    "NO, THIS ISN'T YOUR GODDAMN DREAM." The man ran to Johnny with amazing speed as Johnny tried to flee, but he grabbed Johnny by the shirt. You could smell the man before you could feel him.

    It was Bummy, enraged...and dead. The smell of shoe polish, rotten bananas, and nacho fart combined was sooverpowering on him that you could taste it on your tongue.

    "YOU KILLED ME!" he cried, with tears of eye boogers.

    "No, I didn't! Honest!" replied Johnny Derpmaster as the stream of eye boogers fell into his mouth. Bummy pulled out a rusted Pokeball from his pocket, still holding onto Johnny tightly.

    "Now it is time to capture...you..." he whispered as the rusted Pokeball drew closer to Johnny's face.

    "Johnny, it is time for you to get out." said his mother who awoke him.

    "Oh God, I just had the most awful dream mommy. I dreamt that Adam Sandler took a giant shit on a Magikarp and that Bummy was trying to capture me in my sleep!"

    "Excellent, dear. I'd like to meet Ramiro. He is moving in with me today, and he needs a place to put his things. Which is your room." Ramiro stood next to her, a tall man with orange skin that had hair that reached the ceiling. His lips were engaged in a permanent duck-like position, only moving to speak.

    "I'm fucking your mom bro. Sorry." he said, just barely moving his duck lips. Mom continued. "Now Johnny, since you have a Pokemon now I think you're ready to move out and start your own journey."

    "B-bb-ut all I have is this lame Magikarp." Johnny protested.

    "Many trainers have started out with lamer Pokemon than Magikarp." she retorted, while handing Johnny a backpack. "That has all you'll need to start on your adventure, I hope its a good one." Johnny's mom took Johnny by the hand and pushed him out the house.

    "Goodbye!" she said.

    "Faggot." whispered Ramiro under his breath as the door shut in his face, his ducklips turned into a sadistic grin.

    Johnnny Derpmaster started his adventure on the wrong foot perhaps, but it was still good! He had his Magikarp, and he had his backpack...which he began to check.

    "There isn't anything in this motherfucker!" yelled Johnny Derpmaster as he threw his backpack at the door, enraged by his mom's antics. He stormed off without anything. If nobody wanted him around, he'd just leave town forever.

    Johnny passed by an old man at his ramen cart. "Hey Johnny, the usual?" he asked cheerfully.

    "Fuck you, old man." said Johnny with his nose in the air. "I'm a Pokemon trainer now." The old man look disheartened as Johnny walked away, on his Pokemon adventure. With nothing at all.

    Night fell quickly, as Johnny was already a few miles away from town. The lights in the distance slowly lessened, as hunger grew for the Derpmaster. He kept walking, into a nearby forest. The forest was full of tall trees, probably containing Pokemon that Johnny couldn't catch since he didn't have any empty Pokeballs. He kept walking until he saw Pidgeotto caring for it's eggs lovingly.

    "I wish my mom cared about me as much as that Pidgeotto cares for it's stupid eggs." said the Derpmaster, as he picked up a nearby rock, and managed to throw it straight at the Pidgeotto with an accuracy that was pretty rare for him. The Pidgeotto cocked it's head back, and swooped in to attack Johnny.

    This was Johnny's time to shine: He pulled a Pokeball from his afro, and threw it. It fell down to the grassy ground with a loud THUD, and a white light formed into Magikarp. It was much smaller than before for some reason, before a single splash could crush a person. Now it was as small as any other old Magikarp.

    "Nothing more than a minor setback," started Johnny Derpmaster. "Magikarp, use Hyper Beam!" he said, right before getting his cheek clawed up by the ragin' Pidgeotto.

    "Oh, so UMAD Pidgeotto?" as Johnny touched his now bloody red cheek. "Well Magikarp and I are going to show you how we ro-"

    Pidgeotto then clawed Johnny again as Kingkarp tried to escape. The Pidgeotto then raised it's foot for a stomping, but suddenly Deus Ex Machina!

    A small blue Pokemon that Johnny didn't recongize came out of nowhere. It had gay feathers and eyes that looked like the guy from A Clockwork Orange carefully climbed the tree that hosted Pidgeotto's nest. The Pokemon then opened it's mouth wide, and popped a small egg into it's mouth. Pidgeotto, Magikarp, and Johnny Derpmaster looked in shock as the Pokemon crunched down and shrugged at the three of them.

    Pidgeotto squalled as it just lost a baby Pidgey. The Pokemon looked to get even hungrier, and it ate two of the cream colored eggs at once. The crunches echoed through the forest as Pidgeotto got off of Johnny and attempted to save the few remaining eggs from their destruction.

    Pidgeotto flew in right at the Pokemon, which looked at the bird dully. It kicked the nest with it's clawed feet that sent the the nest dropping downward rapidly. Pidgeotto then swooped down at the very second, trying to save it's nest. The nest landed right on the back of the Pidgeotto, as it flew down to put it's nest in a safe place.

    The Pokemon watched Pidgeotto now with a surprised, but still dubious look on it's face. It jumped down and slashed the bird with it's big meaty claws, hitting it right in the back. Blood streamed out of the Pokemon, as it then began to smash the eggs seemingly out of spite. It cackled with a high pitched cry, and then stabbed the Pidgeotto in the back until it finally stopped moving.

    "Pretty badass. Want to be my droog?" asked Johnny, a little fearful.

    The Pokemon wiped some yolk off of it's feet, and nodded happily. It was obviously very smart.

    "Excellent!" replied the Derpmaster. "I say we go find some more food." as he walked over to the Pokemon. Kingkarp was not about to be forgotten however, as it flopped over to the Pokemon and asked it a question.

    "Sneasel! How dare you try to kill another Pokemon?! Don't you realize that these...sniveling humans have been our bane for centuries? We must destroy them!"

    "How about you shut up, you frail piece of fish shit." said the Sneasel casually. "I've always wanted a trainer, and one I could control at that. This is my chance." it finished.

    Kingkarp looked hurt as Johnny picked up the Pokeball and returned it to it's ball.

    "Woah, there you Pokemon go again. I can't understand you, so stop talking like that and start speaking english or something." said Johnny, derping all over again.

    The Pokemon mewed uncharactestically, something out of place with it's massacre of a bird nest. But Johnny didn't seem to mind, as he was focused on getting some food. Perhaps this Pokemon could help him out with that.

    Sneasel listened to his command, as he led Johnny Derpmaster down a winding trail in the forest, one that he never explored before. The trail ended abruptly, as Johnny stood before a wealth of berry trees. The Pokemon mewed again, pointing at the berry trees.

    "Thanks, you cute little bastard!" said Johnny as he ran towards the tree, and stuffed berries into his mouth, while also putting some in his afro for later. He ate a shitload of berries, and fell asleep happy.

    Sleep came easy, but it was interuppted yet again by a ghost from Johnny's past.

    Johnny Derpmaster had just got done meeting a really nice girl, although a little raggedy. She was still pretty hot, so whatever. Johnny took her home, and made her a nice meal of Cheetos Puffs and Mountain Dew. He brought her over to the couch, and they watched Hitch for a little while.

    "Boy, this sure is a shitty movie." she said in her southern accent while removing clumps of dandruff from her hair.

    "It sure is." said Johnny Derpmaster seductively, as he put his arm around her shoulder. Then they started making out, and it was pretty gross. The phone began to ring as they got really into it.

    "Maybe you should get that?" said the raggedy girl in her stupid accent.

    "Yeah, sure." said Derpmaster as he picked up the phone that was ringing even louder now.

    "WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY DAUGHTER?!?!" screamed a voice that was impossibly nasty sounding. Then Johnny knew who it was: Bummy.

    "Oh God. It's your father, what could he possibly want?!" screamed Johnny Derpmaster as he was very scared.

    Her eyes rolled into the back of her head as all of her teeth and hair fell out. "My dad is DED!" she yelled through her now toothless mouth. "AND U KILLD HIM!" she said as she began to choke the holy shit out of Johnny Derpmaster.


    The sun awoke Johnny Derpmaster to the clawed Pokemon resting on his chest. The Pokemon wasn't asleep however, as it looked at Johnny and smile when it saw that he had awoken.

    "I've got some fucked up dreams..." said Johnny Derpmaster, reeling from his last mental assault.


    Then he noticed that the Pokemon's claws were right atop of Johnny's nutsack. "Ah, those kind of hurt bro..."

    It moved them with a coy smile, as Johnny got up and pulled some berries from his afro, and ate them quickly. Johnny looked to the sky, it was a day with a bright sunlight beaming through the trees, with no clouds whatsoever.

    The trail was now brightly lit, as Johnny finally realized how massive the forest was. He could get lost in here for a long time.



    With a new day dawning, there was a new worry. Johnny wanted to go back to see his mom, and fuck over that bastard Ramiro. But most of all, you can't live off of berries forever. Seriously, he needed some real food.

    "Bro, I think I want to try and go home." The blue Pokemon from Clockwork Orange seemed to be delighted by this, and he followed Johnny to the back to the city limits. The walk was long, so Johnny gave himself time to think. "That bastard Ramiro, how do I show him? I know! I'll dig a really big hole, cover it in all kinds of shit, and make him step over it. That will work, no problem at all."

    Meanwhile, the Pokemon thought to himself too. "This kid ain't so bad. Nice and dumb, and I look less conspicuous being with the kid. We're gonna have some fun today."

    The pair passed through the city limits, reaching the Ramen cart of the old man.

    "What the hell are you doing back here kiddo, didn't you
    get kicked out?" sneered the shop owner who wasn't too fond of Johnny anymore.

    Johnny looked at the Pokemon, and it looked at him curiously. "Alex. Your name is now Alex!" said Johnny. Alex was ecstatic on having a name.

    "Whats that Pokemon ya got with ya there? A Sneasel? How did you catch that so quickly?" he asked, peering at Alex.

    "No, his name is Alex! Alex, show him who's boss!" snarled Johnny Derpmaster as he pointed at the shopkeeper. Alex then took a look at the cart, and then the man. He calmly walked over to the cart, and raised his claw.

    "Get that thing away from me-" started the shopkeeper as Alex started to rip and tear at the wheels of the cart, and then at everything else. The old man ran away screaming.

    "Excellent, Alex. Excellent." said Johnny Derpmaster as he found a bowl of ramen just made, and he started to eat and walk. "So, what do we do now?" he said, slowing his pace so Alex could catch up. Alex shrugged as observed the small town, looking for something to mess with.

    "Hm, I know what we can do." said Johnny. "There is a sumo wrestling gym where a bunch of fatasses go. They even kicked me out because I wasn't fat enough! Want to go?" Alex gave that weird mew, and they were off again.

    Johnny Derpmaster's town was quite small. They didn't have much as far as fancy things went, but they sure had a lot of niche crap that made it a great tourist spot. The structure that they were about to walk in even looked fat, built like a bulbous cylinder with asymmetrical sides. The whole thing looked like one big clusterfuck, with a patchwork of Victorian roofs and Southern Plantation pillars.

    "Well, here we are. Lets watch and wait." said Johnny as he peered into the building. What could immediately be seen were a bunch of fat men doing nothing else but eating.

    "Must eat to become strong like papa!" said one of the fatmen. He then finished whatever noodley food was on his plate, and then he struggled to get himself up. "Ugh!" he painfully cried as he kept on trying to get up.

    "Frank, help me up." he pleaded as he rolled down on the floor of the gym and let out a loud, earth-shattering fart that Johnny heard from all the way at the door.

    "Nope," started the dark, hairless and extremely fat man who apparently was Frank. "You too fat." he finished through bites of Pizza.

    "Nooooooooo" said the fallen fatty, who let out the cry that perfectly synchronized with another fart that sounded like a balloon slowly losing all of it's air. As there was no way for him to get up on his own, he slowly tried to swim to the door, like a beached Wailord. All the while repeating 'stroke' over and over again. He finally stopped stroking, and stopped moving altogether. His fat still quivered, moving around like a blob of jello.

    "He's dead, Alex." said Johnny in his best Leonard McCoy impression, trying to hold back the laughter that he couldn't contain anymore. He started laughing as the dead fat guy jiggled all over, as the other fat guys watched him.

    The one called Frank was able to just barely get up, but he seemed to be strong once he was able.

    "Where are you taking him?" asked Derpmaster.

    "Must eat more. He big and strong, he do well in kitchen." said Frank as he grabbed the shaking blob by the leg, and dragged him slowly to a room with a bunch of steam coming out of it.

    "Wait, you're going to eat him?" asked Johnny.

    "Yeah, we eat you too if you don't get out." said Frank, licking his lips with delight.

    "Goodbye!" said Johnny, with Alex giving off a mewing sound that also sounded like goodbye.

    The two immediately got out of there, and walked through the small town to reach a destination that Johnny had been waiting for: his house. They got there rather quickly, and they both looked at the house. It was new to Alex, who didn't know what it was. To Johnny, it didn't really seem like home anymore. Of course it was his house, but he felt like he didn't belong there anymore. It wasn't really his home anymore, and Johnny felt like giving a goodbye on his own terms.

    He knocked on the door three times, waiting patiently for his mom to show up. Instead, that asshole Ramiro showed up, wearing nothing but hair gel, leather pants, and a wifebeater. They stared at each other for a few seconds, making eye contact. He broke the silence with the first thing Johnny had really heard him say.

    "Stop lookin' at me like that, PUSSY." he said through his duck lips with a sadistic smile. "Come back for the PAIN?" he said, crunching his knuckles with his palms.

    "I sure did!" said Johnny Derpmaster, patting Alex on the head. "And I'm giving it all to you." Johnny pushed Ramiro further into the house, and closed the door behind him and Alex. The house was exactly as it was yesterday, but something still was different about it. He didn't know what exactly.

    "Wat you talkin' bout boy?" he asked. Johnny gently pushed Alex on over to Ramiro, who extended his razor-sharp claws. "Oh God what the hell is that thing?!" asked Ramiro who was shocked to see Johnny's new friend.

    Alex lifted up his hand, and shoved his claw into Ramiro's groin. He screamed and then toppled over in pain, exposing his entire body.

    "Yeah, show him!" yelled Johnny as Alex moved on over to Ramiro's foot, and stuck it's claw inside. It began cutting, blood gushing everywhere. Alex didn't exactly have surgical precision, so the wound became jagged and misshapen until the entire foot came off.

    "This thing just cut off my foot, you petty little bastard!" he cried out, blood gushing out from where his foot used to be. Alex's entire paw was covered in blood, and it wanted more.

    "Hah, I guess you can stop now Alex. Lets go, leave him here." said Johnny, satisfied. But Alex wasn't done yet. He shoved his other claw into Ramiro's small neck, digging it in like a tool. Yellow and red things began coming out of Ramiro's neck as he gasped for his final breaths.

    "Holy shit man, you're done! Come on, lets go-" said Johnny Derpmaster as he tried to pull Alex away from the maimed man. Alex warned Johnny away with one of it's bloody claws, not to come any closer. Johnny didn't want to discipline Alex, but he knew he had to. "Okay, lets not start now! Go, Magikarp!" said Johnny Derpmaster as he released the frightened Kingkarp right into the house.

    "Trust me, I'm not gonna do shit to you." said Kingkarp as it flopped away from Alex.

    "Fine then." said the Sneasel, who dug it's claws further into Ramiro as the poor bastard cried out in pain. "Want to watch what I'm going to do next?"

    "I'd rather not." said Magikarp, flopping about, void of any power that it had before. Alex then raised his claw to the side, like a carving knife, and then shoved it down, decapitating Ramiro.

    Johnny Derpmaster didn't know what to feel at the sight of that. He honestly wanted Ramiro dead, but he didn't want his mom to be sad. "Okay Alex, time for a time-out. You may not have a Pokeball, but that doesn't mean that I can't do something about this." Johnny Derpmaster pulled out a pen and paper from his afro, and wrote 'sori my friend kilt ur boyfreind. plz4give' as big as he could, and then put it next to his body.

    Kingkarp was slowly flopping away, splashing over Ramiro's corspe. The door was still closed, and he didn't have hands to open the door with.

    "Your trainer isn't as spineless as I thought. Still very pathetic though." said Alex to Kingkarp.

    "LET ME OUT OF HERE!" cried the Kingkarp in his voice that could not be understood by Johnny. "I'm just too weak!"

    "Ugh, you're completely useless Magikarp. Return..." said Johnny Derpmaster, extremely disappointed in the only Pokemon that he caught. He grabbed the "How about we talk about this Alex, maybe over some cheeseburgers?"

    Alex's once cute Mews turned into shrieked hisses, with spit coming at the Derpmaster. Johnny ran outside of his house, and closed the door, leaving Alex trapped inside the house. He thought to himself, what would he do? The only way was to catch Alex, even though he didn't have a decent Pokemon to do that with.

    "Okay, I'll have to go steal some Pokeballs from a Pokemon Center...and just derp out the rest of the plan. I can do it."

    The Pokemart wasn't too far away from Johnny's house, just like most things in the town. It was a small building with a blue top, just like everyone else. However since the Professor got caught for Pedophilia, there weren't many trainers coming around to the PokeMart or the PokeCenter. Both were right next to each other, and covered in vines. They both needed a decent re-painting too, but it was open. That was all Johnny cared about at the moment.

    The shopkeeper was a man who looked strikingly similar to Ramiro, almost like twins. But you could notice the subtle differences between them, as this man was much smaller and wasn't as muscular. His hair was even higher up to the ceiling and his ducklips had taken on a blackened color. Johnny thought that he could use this to his advantage.

    "Listen, listen bro!" he started up.

    "Whatchu want?"

    "It's ya boy Ramiro! He's hurt real bad!"

    "Ramiro? You shittin me kid, Ramiro too tough for this town!"

    "Yea man, yea! I saw some Pokemon fuck him up real bad, I need to catch that muthafucka!"

    "Alright man, come on up and get as many Pokeballs as ya need, as long as they for mah boy Ramiro." he finally said. Johnny's plan worked, he knew they all worked together in groups like that. But he noticed something that could be helpful, as he stuffed Pokeballs into his afro. It had a Sharpedo on the cover, and it was called "X-attack." Another one was exactly the same, but instead it had "Defense". Looked pretty awesome.

    "Hey man, I sure could use some of that Sharpedo testosterone. My only Pokemon be Magikarp man, I need some real bad to make him strong like you!" Johnny asked the man.

    "Why sure, take all of it. I inject that stuff in my butt all the time. It don't even make your balls shrink, works like a charm. It will make yo' Pokemon go crazy mad though, so watch out bro."

    "Thanks bro!" said Johnny Derpmaster as he shoved the steroids into his afro too, and ran out the door. He was going to return to his house and capture Alex.



    Johnny ran back in a flash, ready to fight. The door was still closed, although it had gigantic scratches on it that were obviously the work of Alex. Johnny had to work fast, and then enter the house quickly.

    "Okay, come out Magikarp, I have something for you." said Johnny, releasing Kingkarp on the ground where it flopped. Johnny then pulled out his Sharpedoroids, and stuck every needle into Kingkarp.

    "Oh God human, what have you done? You will turn me into a brute!" said the Magikarp, even though he couldn't be understood.

    "Are you feeling it yet?" asked Johnny Derpmaster, as he pulled out the needles, and waited for Kingkarp to grow bodybuilder arms, or something like that.


    "The sensastion...it tingles..." said Kingkarp, as he felt more powerful than he even did when he was gigantic. "I will teach that Sneasel who the real piece of shit is!" it said, as it splashed, and busted through the door with enough power to topple the house. Johnny watched from afar. It came crashing down, along with a a decently sized portion of Johnny's wall. Alex sat on Ramiro's dead body, unintimidated by Kingkarp.

    "So he gave you steroids, eh? Signs of a weak trainer." Alex said to Kingkarp.

    "WHO GIVES A FUCK, REALLY NOW?" said Kingkarp as he splashed with resounding speed, and slammed right into Alex, making him crash into another room. Kingkarp kept splashing relentlessly, making large dents in wherever he crashed.

    Alex slowly walked out of the hole that was the shape of his body, wiping plaster off of his body.

    "Agh, you've gotten strong rather quickly. Now, the same thing that happened to that Pidgeotto will happen to you-" started Alex, but it was cut off by Kingkarp.

    "Get the fuck out of here, you sneaky little Sneasel, I'll pummel you into the dirt!" said Kingkarp, as he splashed again, ready to take out Alex. Alex raised up his claws in defense, from an attack from the air. It closed it's eyes in anticipation and waited to impale Kingkarp.

    Kingkarp never came in from the air, as it carefully splashed in from behind Alex. Then it bit him, taking making the blue feathered Pokemon fall down. Kingkarp then splashed up again, and hit Alex three times with all of it's body strength.

    "Fuck. Yeah. Magikarp." Kingkarp said proudly, as it collapsed on the floor.

    "That was good Magikarp, return!" as Johnny Derpmaster called back his Pokemon, and grabbed an empty Pokeball to throw at his former friend who helped him out.

    Alex looked at Johnny Derpmaster right before he was going to throw the Pokeball, and let out a small muffled cry, as if it was hurt physically and emotionally. A single tear fell down from it's face as it was prepared to be captured.

    Johnny felt sympathy for the poor Pokemon, and in one of his most Herp'd out moments, walked over to Alex.

    He stepped on Ramiro's head along the way, and tried to pick up the little Pokemon.

    "It's okay Alex, I'm sorry." Johnny said, about to put the Pokeball away. He picked up Alex, as it smiled with a sadistic grin and slashed Johnny right in the chest. They both fell to the ground.

    "Ah man, you little bastard! Fuck you, Pokeball go!" The Pokeball hit Alex right in the face, a it turned him into pure energy and forced it inside of the Pokeball.

    It shook once, twice...


    Pokemon going for: Sneasel
    Characters: 26096
    Recommended Minimum/Maximum: 20,000-30,000

    lindsey is my waifu

  12. #12
    Vampire Grader sorocoroto's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Worst Friend Ever (Ready for Grade)

    claimed for the frenzy

    "A vampire with a soul? Oh my God ... how lame is that?" - Buffy Summers [S6x08]

  13. #13
    Vampire Grader sorocoroto's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Worst Friend Ever (Ready for Grade)

    ...A Parody Story

    Intro:
    My first impressions of the story on a whole.

    I had to go back and read the first post in order to understand what was going on in this story. The first thing the stuck out in my mind was: you need a warning. We urge writers that include touchy subjects like sex and death to put some kind of disclaimer, so that the younger minds on the forums are "protected." Just think if parents would let their kids read this. I know, I know, cartoon violence is A-Ok, but actually mauling and killing is not.

    Plot/Reality:
    What stuck out in my mind as I was reading as unusual.

    EVERYTHING! Understanding that this is a parody, I let most of it slide. Though, almost everything had a "logical" progression, except for one. The sumo wrestling gym didn't add at all to the story. They visited it, saw something, and then left. If it played into the plot later, it would have made more sense, but as is, it doesn't fit into the story besides being wacky. Compare this to the ramen cart man. At first he seems like just another thing you added in for a boost in characters, but then he actually came into play when he was hungry, and that interaction further developed the relationship with Alex.


    Details:
    What kind of picture did you paint with your words

    My brain hurts picturing everything that was going on. You nicely described the outlandish events like the dreams and the killings and the sumos, but you didn't describe the battle in as great of detail. You have a great, albeit sick, way of describing things, and it would have been nice to see that in the battle, like more blood and snot flowing from the wounds of the attack or something. The battle was way too fast to be enjoyable.

    For example: Kingkarp then splashed up again, and hit Alex three times with all of it's body strength. You can expand this well into its own paragraph. As is, the battle was like: oh, look he's buff, oh look, Sneasel is down. Pretty boring. Beef this section up with that witty humor and description that I've seen in the rest of the story, and this section would be marked better.


    Grammar:
    What you're high school english teacher would point out.

    So, I know I'm not supposed to be nit-picky, but just because it is a parody, doesn't mean you can just slide passed the grammar.

    I bypass most the dialogue, since people's articulation translates to paper in very incorrect grammar. However, you have trouble with dialogue tags. Dialogue tags are the phrases that are a part of the dialogue being said. For example: I said, "Jesus, stop kicking me in the nads." Inside the quotes is the dialogue, while "I said," is the dialogue tag. Now the way you punctuate the sentence depends on whether or not the dialogue tag is acting upon the sentence. If it is, commas are used and the dialogue tag is a part of the sentence.

    For example:
    "I love orange soda," the man said.
    This is correct.

    "I love orange soda," the man smiled.
    This is incorrect.

    The reasoning is that you can't smile a sentence. Saying is the act of producing dialogue, so when using it, a comma is needed. When an emotional word like smiled or sneered is used, it should look like this:
    "I love orange soda." The man smiled.

    Now the flip side to this is that words like sneered are defined as to be "to speak with blah blah emotion." However, grammar doesn't care for what the dictionary says. If it looks weird to the reader, it is typically wrong.

    Throughout your entire story, you do not properly use commas, periods and capitalization when it comes to dialogue tags.
    "Hah, I guess you can stop now Alex. Lets go, leave him here." said Johnny, satisfied.
    This is just one of many examples. Johnny said this, so the period should be a comma.

    To tag onto the above, when you separate a long piece of dialogue with a dialogue tag, you should use commas where necessary. For example:
    "Fine then." said the Sneasel, who dug it's claws further into Ramiro as the poor bastard cried out in pain. "Want to watch what I'm going to do next?"
    Since "Fine then" and "Want to watch..." is a part of the same thought, the above sentence should read as follows:
    "Fine then," said the Sneasel, who dug it's claws further into Ramiro as the poor bastard cried out in pain, "want to watch what I'm going to do next?"
    Remember, Sneasel said both, so commas must be used. Also, the second phrase of the idea is lowercase as opposed to if you wrote:
    Sneasel said, "Want to watch..."
    This again is because the phrase is a continuation of "Fine then" which in the beginning of the sentence.

    Another thing in the first few lines, you forget to capitalized “Kingkarp” once. Since all the names in your story are capitalized, this is considered wrong.

    "sooverpowering" isn't a word

    You also use "its" and "it's" incorrectly. Remember: "it's" = it is while "its" = possessive of a genderless thing.

    Lastly: You misuse commas when it comes to compound sentences. One example:
    Kingkarp then splashed up again, and hit Alex three times with all of it's body strength.
    First off, "it's" should be "its." Secondly, the subject, Kingkarp, is both splashing and hitting, so no comma is needed, since it is just 2 verbs to the same 1 subject.

    Johnny looked to the sky, it was a day with a bright sunlight beaming through the trees, with no clouds whatsoever.
    This is a run-on sentence. An easy fix is to replace the first comma with a semicolon, because the two sentences relate to each other. The second comma isn't correct, because "with no clouds whatsoever" is a prepositional phrase (with, on, in, at, etc.).

    Length:
    The length of time it felt like to read this story.

    I actually got through both chapters rather quickly. The story was funny and enjoyable, which drew me into the plot.

    Personal Feelings:
    Really? I have these?

    Honestly, I really enjoyed this story with all the satire and shout-outs to pop culture (esppecially the droogs). However, the wackiness combined with the ghastly grammar tended to make yourself appear as a person with good ideas, but bad writing skills. That is to say, the plot was good, but how you presented is seemed sloppy.

    Conclusion:
    One Liner Wrap Ups

    Plot/Reality: OMG my brain is laughing
    Details: My droggs wish for a more entertaining climax and conclusion.
    Grammar: "Not so good my funny funny friend." said the man, with the cape.
    Length: I could read this on a train ride, though those around me wouldn't appreciate my laughter.

    Verdict:


    "A vampire with a soul? Oh my God ... how lame is that?" - Buffy Summers [S6x08]

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