The Wish (Graded)

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  1. #1
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    Post The Wish (Graded)

    Pokemon requested: Growlithe

    Gary was running as fast as he could to catch up with the Growlithe. He knew full well that if he managed to get this one, Arcanine would be his after some ammount of training.
    "GET HERE YOU STUPID DOG!" shouted Gary, becoming out of breath. Gary eventually collapsed on the ground out of pure exhaustion. "I'll catch you... and when I do... I'm gonna make you the best Arcanine there ever was..." and then Gary practically passed out on the grassy ground next to his Umbreon.

    Gary was awakened by his face being licked. Gary hoped it was the Growlithe, but opened his eyes to see it was his Umbreon instead. Gary got up and noticed it was night-time. There was no chance of finding that Growlithe now. Downhearted, Gary left for the nearest Pokemon center. He wondered if he would ever encounter another Growlithe on his journey. Gary went to go rest at the Pokemon Center for the night, ready for what the following day would bring.

    Gary was tossing and turning in his sleep. He could see over nine thousand Growlithe all running around happily. Then an Arcanine came into the scene and was attacked by the Growlithe, only to use what appeared to be Extreme Speed to escape the Growlithe, and then using Roar to set the Growlithe flying.
    "Arcanine... I have to have it... I have to have it..." moaned Gary in his sleep. "That's my wish... a Growlithe!" Gary shouted on the last word, and woke up to see a Drowzee had managed to get in his room! Gary saw a light on the Drowzee's nose fade, and Gary knew what had happened: The Drowzee had stolen Gary's dream about the Growlithe and Arcanine! "Hey! Get back here with my dream!" said Gary to the Drowzee. Umbreon leapt off it's feet to Gary's side, and Gary commanded Umbreon to use Faint Attack! However, before Umbreon had a chance, another voice appeared!
    "Drowzee! Use Hypnosis!" said the mysterious voice.
    And then, the Drowzee created an amazing atmosphere where all was calm and peaceful, which sent Gary back to sleep, as well as Umbreon too!

    Gary woke up and noticed it was morning. He knew full well that the Drowzee and it's mysterious trainer had fled with his dream. But why would this rouge trainer need Gary's dream? Gary thought about this before getting changed into his usual clothes and heading downstairs for breakfast. Nurse Joy was serving the breakfast today, and Gary asked for everything on the menu (he had the money for it I can tell you). Surprised, the Nurse Joy left the table to go back into the kitchen. Gary wondered why there was a restraunt in a Pokemon Center but anything can happen in this world.

    Gary finsished his ridiculously big breakfast and went to leave the Pokemon Center, when he saw a Drowzee! Gary chased after the Drowzee and noticed it was returned to it's Pokeball by a trainer wearing a cape, who left the Pokemon Center in a rush. Gary realised this must be the trainer from last night, and Gary chased after this character. However, by time Gary had got out of the Pokemon Center, the mysterious figure had vanished.

    Umbreon was tugging at Gary's feet on the way along the route they were walking. Gary eventually turned round to see Umbreon was very intent on going over to an area with trees. Gary wasn't too keen on the idea, but decided Umbreon might know best. Entering the forest of trees, Gary saw what looked like a flash of fire red! "NO WAY!" shouted Gary. Running towards this flash, Gary saw it was indeed a Growlithe. Gary managed to dive and grab and the Growlithe, but the Growlithe used Ember on Gary, setting him on fire. "FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-" screamed Gary, knocking into trees and setting them alight. Gary then noticed the entire forest was filled with Growlithe! The Growlithe fled the forest, scared. Gary was still flailing around, until he heard a voice that sounded very familiar voice.
    "Alakazam! Use Rain Dance!" said the voice. Then, rain began falling from the sky, putting out the flames, and Gary. The remainign Growlithe became frightned of the rain and fled too, ruining Gary's chances of catching one. Gary looked around and saw the Alakazam, however, it used Teleport and vanished instantly. Gary began to wonder if the Alakazam's trainer was the mystery figure from earlier in the day, and then thought maybe this was how the rogue character was disapearing so fast- using the Alakazam's Teleport. Gary decided there was no point in staying in the forest, and left the area, and noticed Umbreon was waiting for him outside the whole time.
    "You didn't help much." said Gary to Umbreon, and Umbreon began wagging it's tail cheerfully.

    The two set off on a journey once again along the route, and Gary wondered who this mysterious trainer was. Gary thought of the facts- it was likely a man, as the voice was quite deep. They wore a cape, meaning they must be quite a spectacular person. And they must use Psychic type Pokemon, judging they have an Alakazam and a Drowzee. But who could they be? Why have they stolen Gary's dream? Was Gary important to them somehow? All of this puzzled Gary like Pokemon Puzzle League. Gary eventually noticed he had lost track of where he was going, and it still hadn't stopped raining from earlier. Luckily, Gary could see some buildings, meaning there must be shelter nearby.

    Gary ended up in Mahogany Town and went to the Pokemon Center to rest. Gary eventually went to sleep, but was quickly awakened by a loud noise! Gary looked out the window to see the forest was on fire again! Gary thought there was a chance of this mysterious man making an appearence to put out the fire again, and so he leapt out of bed, quickly got changed, and ran as fast as he could to get to the forest fire! Gary bumped into a group of people watching the fire. An old man mentioned the Growlithe in the forest normally cause the fires, and that meant one thing- there were some Growlithe in the forest right now! Running into the forest, Gary saw something very amazing. It was like a wolf or dog creature, with a magnificent beaming blue glow surrounding it. It stood royal and proud, and was staring intently at the sky. Gary stepped back in amazement. Whatever this creature was, it was rare, that's for sure. Then, the mystical creature let out a howl and down came rain, dowsing the fire. The Growlithe fled the forest in fright, before an Arcanine came and used Sunny Day to put things right. The two creatures stood in a fixed position, and growled loudly. There was something going on here, as if the Arcanine was protecting it's terrortiory, and the marvelous blue creature was angered at the rain being put out. The majestic blue creature fired a powerful gush of water at the Arcanine, sending it flying. The sunlight faded, and it was simply now a starry sky. But then, a voice that sounded very familiar appeared! "HAUNTER! USE MEAN LOOK!" and then, the amazing blue creature became immobilized.
    Gary turned around and saw the man he had been wondering about all this time- he stood there wearing a white cape, a purple tuxedo with purple trousers to complete, and a red bowtie. He had brown hair with a part hanging over his face. "Suicune!" he said. "I have finally managed to find you! And now it is time to capture you!" said the mystery man.

    Gary saw the mystery man take a purple Pokeball from his pocket. "I have managed to get hold of a Master Ball... and now I shall use it to capture you, Suicune! You shall be mine!" said the cape-wearing man.
    "Wait, who are you?" asked Gary. The mysterious man turned to face Gary.
    "I am Eusine! I have spent much time trying to capture Suicune and make it my own. Suicune is this Pokemon here... oh, it is so elegant... the way it moves... It has always been my dream to find and capture it, so I can spend the rest of my days with Suicune!"
    Gary looked at Eusine, who was standing so proud. Eusine took the Master Ball from his pocket, and was about to capture it, when the Suicune used it's Mist attack! Eusine could not believe what had just happened. "Oh, Suicune! It has such skill, even when not owned by a trainer... You! Gary! We must chase it!"
    "How do you know my name?" asked Gary.
    "Never mind, let's go!" said Eusine hastily.
    The two ran through the mist, dodging trees and such, until they finally got to a clearing where Suicune couldn't go any further.
    "Huzzah! I've got you now, Suicune!" said Eusine. However, when Eusine took the Master Ball from his pocket once again, Suicune fired a blast of ice at it, knocking it from Eusine's hand! "What the- where did it go? I can't see because of all this mist! Oh well... Gary! We must fight Suicune so I can capture it with my remaining Ultra Ball!" said Eusine. Gary nodded and ordered Umbreon to use Faint Attack!
    "Haunter! Use Lick!" said Eusine.
    The Suicune used it's Ice Beam on Haunter and Haunter took some serious damage!
    "Umbreon! Use Confuse Ray!"
    "Haunter! Shadow Ball!"
    Suicune used another Ice Beam on Eusine's Haunter, which knocked it out, before Suicune began walking around and bumping into trees. "Great! Now to use my Ultra Ball! ...this is the only Pokeball I have left, and now I must capture Suicune!" Eusine threw the Pokeball, and Suicune was transfered into the ball. The ball shook. And shook again. It shook once more. The tension in the scene was overloading. Was Eusine going to finally complete his dream?

    But then, Suicune broke out of it's ball! "NOOO! SUICUNE!" cried Eusine. But then, Suicune leapt at Gary! Gary was knocked to the floor, and Suicune was standing above him. Gary hadn't been so scared in his whole life. "Eusine.... help me..." cried Gary in a scared voice. Eusine didn't look as if he wanted to help, however. Eusine chuckled at the scene.
    "Well, Gary! I just found my Master Ball on the floor! And you being bait for Suicune is perfect for me to capture it!" said Eusine, with a cocky tone.
    But then Gary thought quickly! "UMBREON! USE FAINT ATTACK!" Umbreon did as instructed, and Suicune was knocked off of Gary. Gary didn't care about Eusine anymore. Suicune was dangerous, and it wanted to harm Gary, meaning he couldn't just let Suicune attack him again just for Eusine's chance of catching it.
    "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! ARE YOU MAD?" cried Eusine. Eusine threw the Master Ball, only to miss when Suicune tried to attack and failed due to confusion, and the Master Ball shattered on the ground. "NOOOOOOOO! THIS CAN'T BE!" shouted Eusine.
    "Umbreon! Use Quick Attack!" Gary ordered. Umbreon used it's Quick attack, and Suicune could no longer take any more damage, so it fled the scene at an amazing speed.

    Eusine stood in shock. His dream was to capture Suicune. And it was let down all because of Gary. Eusine couldn't let Gary get away with defeating Suicune, either. Gary had to learn his lesson! "Gary! It's time! I shall battle you to maybe make Eusine feel better, and to also earn it's respect!"
    Gary was shocked. "WHAT? BUT I-"
    "NOW GARY! NOW!" Eusine said, in a demanding manner.

    Eusine sent out his Drowzee and ordered it to use Hypnosis, sending Umbreon to sleep. Gary knew full well there wasn't much he could do now, but then the Drowzee used Dream Eater and made Umbreon look as if life had been sucked out of it!
    "Umbreon wake up!" said Gary, shaking Umbreon to maybe wake it up. Umbreon did wake up, and Gary was delighted. "UMBREON! USE FAINT ATTACK!" Umbreon used Faint Attack on Eusine's Drowzee, and the power sent Drowzee flying into a tree. Drowzee fainted, and could no longer battle.
    "Hmph! You know what your doing!" said Eusine. "But how can you deal with this? GO! ELECTRODE!" Eusine sent out his Electrode.
    "Electrode! Use Sonic Boom!" Electrode did as instructed, and a powerful blast was sent at Umbreon. When Umbreon recovered, it looked very weak.
    "Umbreon! Use Quick Attack!" Umbreon used Quick Attack and knocked the Electrode over, sending it rolling around! "Now Umbreon! Use Tackle!" Umbreon used Tackle and Electrode exploded, but Umbreon managed to avoid the explosion by sheer luck!
    "You are incredible..." said Eusine, startled by Gary. "But now I shall use Alakazam!" Eusine sent out his Alakazam, which stood ready for battle. "Alakazam! Use Shadow Ball!" Eusine's Alakazam used Shadow Ball on Umbreon, but Umbreon took little damage!
    "Umbreon! Use Assurance!" Umbreon used Assurance on Alakazam, and the damage Alakazam took was spectacular!
    "Don't be put off! You can't give up yet!" said Eusine. "Alakazam! Use Reflect!" Eusine's Alakazam put up a mystical barrier around itself.
    "Umbreon! Use Assurance again!" said Gary. Umbreon used the attack, but Alakazam manged to pull through! However, Alakazam did look exhausted.
    "OK ALAKAZAM! Use Shadow Ball once again!" Eusine ordered Alakazam. Alakazam did as instructed, but Umbreon dodged the attack.
    "Umbreon! Use Faint Attack!" Umbreon used Faint Attack, and Alakazam was down!

    Eusine looked at Gary in awe. "You are an amazing trainer." Said Eusine. I hope our paths cross again. But before Eusine left, Gary asked the question he needed to know.
    "Why did your Drowzee steal my dream?" asked Gary.
    Eusine turned around. "I did that on every trainer in the Pokemon Center. I was trying to see if any were dreaming of Suicune, so I could find it's whereabouts. It was very wrong of me. I apoligize." Eusine bowed his head in apology. "However, I believe I must make it up to you somehow. So, I shall return your dream to you!" Eusine's Drowzee had managed to get up, and began transferring the dream back to Gary. The dream was being shown in Gary's head in such a familiar way, that Gary even said the same thing he said in his sleep. "That's my wish... a Growlithe!" and Gary fell asleep on the ground.

    However, watching the whole scene was a Clefairy. This Clefairy decided to use Wish to grant Gary's dream, as well as Eusine's. This meant Gary would soon find a Growlithe, and Eusine would find and capture Suicune eventually. Gary woke up to find something licking his face. He assumed it was Umbreon again. However, when he woke up, Gary saw there was a Growlithe licking his face! Attached to the Growlithe's neck was a note "for you, Gary." Gary looked around to see nobody there, meaning Eusine must have left Gary be. And so, Gary set off to continue his journey, his Umbreon and Growlithe by his side.
    Last edited by TheGreatLuigi; 3rd May 2010 at 05:30 AM. Reason: GRADED

  2. #2
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    Default Re: The Wish [READY FOR GRADING! GRADE NOW PLEASE!]

    Claimed for Grading. :)

  3. #3
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    Default Re: The Wish [READY FOR GRADING! GRADE NOW PLEASE!]

    Introduction:
    Gary was running as fast as he could to catch up with the Growlithe. He knew full well that if he managed to get this one, Arcanine would be his after some ammount of training.
    "GET HERE YOU STUPID DOG!" shouted Gary, becoming out of breath. Gary eventually collapsed on the ground out of pure exhaustion. "I'll catch you... and when I do... I'm gonna make you the best Arcanine there ever was..." and then Gary practically passed out on the grassy ground next to his Umbreon.
    This introduction was pretty good. You started out with some action, having Gary chase after the Growlithe that he spotted. This is good, because a more action-packed introduction usually draws the reader in.

    The only problem that I saw with this introduction was the fact that the action ended almost immediately after we were shown it. In the space of a couple sentences, Gary was chasing the Growlithe, and then he wasn't. While it's not necessarily a bad thing, it's usually a better idea to draw these introductions out a little more before slowing down the pace in order to get the full effect of the scene across. When writing this, it might have been better to start us off a little earlier in the chase, drawn it out a little more than you did (perhaps having Gary corner the Growlithe, only to have it escape), and then slowed down a bit.

    It isn't too much of a problem, but it's something to consider in your future efforts.

    Plot:
    Gary is looking for a Growlithe to add to his collection, but isn't having the best luck. While resting at a Pokemon Center, he is interrupted from his sleep by a Pokemon snatching up his dream. He tries to give chase, but the Drowzee gives him the slip. The next morning, he spots it again, and chases it, but still can't catch it. He then tries to capture a Grolithe again on the nearby route, only to end up setting much of the forest (and himself) on fire in the process. The mysterious figure shows up again, this time with an Alakazam, to put out the blaze; he quickly teleports away. Later on, Gary finds the forest on fire again, which leads to Suicune, of all Pokemon, putting out the fire. The mystery man is revealed to be Eusine, and he recruits Gary to help him capture it. That doesn't go so well, so Eusine challenges Gary and loses. He returns Gary's dream and leaves, with Gary passed out on the ground. Gary wakes up to - wouldn't you know it - a Growlithe, and a note confirms that it's his.

    I'll tell you this: this was a pretty complex plot. The general mold of "find Pokemon, battle Pokemon, catch Pokemon" isn't really present, though it's at the heart of Gary's dream, so you've shaken that off quite well.

    I really think that there could have been some improvements here, though. You did say at one point that the forest is always on fire because the Growlithe light it up, but you didn't go into real detail about it. How is there still a forest there if it's always ablaze? Does Suicune always hang out around there to put out the fires? Isn't it kind of strange that people would build a town so close to a potential hazard?

    I will give you credit where it's due, though. You fleshed out most of the plot points that you put into this story pretty well, aside from the one above. It was also interesting and original, and good for a laugh or two the first time around.

    In short, good job with this. You might need something more complex for more difficult Pokemon, but I thought this was just fine for your target Pokemon.

    Dialogue:
    Not one for subtlety, are you? It's a good thing, though, in my opinion, because I personally thought that the dialogue was excellent in this story. A primary function of dialogue is to convey a character's personality to the readers, and that was done very well here; Gary's forward, eccentric character was very easily recognized, and Eusine's speech made him fit the role of a mystery man, though he seemed to share in the overabundant eccentricity.

    Like I said, great job here. You might want to introduce some characters that are more down-to-earth and level-headed for your more complex captures in order to add more depth to the story and create contrast to Gary's character, but otherwise, I think you're doing a fine job in this category.

    Grammar:
    I have a couple of major suggestions for you, and then I'll mention some minor things I noticed.

    First and foremost, it would be a very good idea for you to split up your paragraphs better. Whenever a new idea is conveyed by the story, a new character begins speaking, or a scene change occurs, you start a new paragraph, and double-space it for the convenience of the Graders. Kind of like so:

    Gary saw the mystery man take a purple Pokeball from his pocket. "I have managed to get hold of a Master Ball... and now I shall use it to capture you, Suicune! You shall be mine!" said the cape-wearing man.

    "Wait, who are you?" asked Gary. The mysterious man turned to face Gary.

    "I am Eusine! I have spent much time trying to capture Suicune and make it my own. Suicune is this Pokemon here... oh, it is so elegant... the way it moves... It has always been my dream to find and capture it, so I can spend the rest of my days with Suicune!" Gary looked at Eusine, who was standing so proud. Eusine took the Master Ball from his pocket, and was about to capture it, when the Suicune used it's Mist attack! Eusine could not believe what had just happened.

    "Oh, Suicune! It has such skill, even when not owned by a trainer... You! Gary! We must chase it!"

    "How do you know my name?" asked Gary.

    "Never mind, let's go!" said Eusine hastily.
    In the case of a scene change or the passage of a significant amount of time, a text break would be appropriate, like so:

    Gary was running as fast as he could to catch up with the Growlithe. He knew full well that if he managed to get this one, Arcanine would be his after some ammount of training.
    "GET HERE YOU STUPID DOG!" shouted Gary, becoming out of breath. Gary eventually collapsed on the ground out of pure exhaustion. "I'll catch you... and when I do... I'm gonna make you the best Arcanine there ever was..." and then Gary practically passed out on the grassy ground next to his Umbreon.

    * ~ *


    Gary was awakened by his face being licked. Gary hoped it was the Growlithe, but opened his eyes to see it was his Umbreon instead. Gary got up and noticed it was night-time. There was no chance of finding that Growlithe now. Downhearted, Gary left for the nearest Pokemon center. He wondered if he would ever encounter another Growlithe on his journey. Gary went to go rest at the Pokemon Center for the night, ready for what the following day would bring.
    I also noticed that you use a whole lot of exclamation points in your descriptions; while that does go along with the overall eccentricity of this story, some of them were unwarranted. At times, they even kind of interrupted the flow of the story. Here's a good example:

    mbreon! Use Quick Attack!" Umbreon used Quick Attack and knocked the Electrode over, sending it rolling around! "Now Umbreon! Use Tackle!" Umbreon used Tackle and Electrode exploded, but Umbreon managed to avoid the explosion by sheer luck!
    "You are incredible..." said Eusine, startled by Gary. "But now I shall use Alakazam!" Eusine sent out his Alakazam, which stood ready for battle. "Alakazam! Use Shadow Ball!" Eusine's Alakazam used Shadow Ball on Umbreon, but Umbreon took little damage!
    "Umbreon! Use Assurance!" Umbreon used Assurance on Alakazam, and the damage Alakazam took was spectacular!
    "Don't be put off! You can't give up yet!" said Eusine. "Alakazam! Use Reflect!" Eusine's Alakazam put up a mystical barrier around itself.
    "Umbreon! Use Assurance again!" said Gary. Umbreon used the attack, but Alakazam manged to pull through! However, Alakazam did look exhausted.
    "OK ALAKAZAM! Use Shadow Ball once again!" Eusine ordered Alakazam. Alakazam did as instructed, but Umbreon dodged the attack.
    "Umbreon! Use Faint Attack!" Umbreon used Faint Attack, and Alakazam was down!
    That's a whole lot of exclamations there. When describing something happening in the story, you really don't need exclamation points all the time; for most descriptions, periods will suffice.

    At a couple of points in the story, you mixed up the two "it" modifiers:

    Umbreon leapt off it's feet to Gary's side, and Gary commanded Umbreon to use Faint Attack!
    No apostrophe there.

    Lastly, this stuck out to me as an awkward sentence:

    "Gary! It's time! I shall battle you to maybe make Eusine feel better, and to also earn it's respect!"
    Did you mean "Suicune"? If not, simply using "myself" would have sufficed.

    Detail and Description:
    There was the potential for a lot of detail in this story because so much went on. While you did a good job with some of the descriptions (Eusine's was particularly strong), I felt that you fell short on some grounds.

    One thing that you really didn't do was mention your surroundings, which really didn't let me visualize the whole story. What did the forest look like? The rooms in the Pokemon Center? The town built next to the route? If you had elaborated on all of these things some more, I would have had a much easier time visualizing your story.

    There's one more thing I want to mention about detail, but it's better placed in the battle section, so moving on!

    Battle:
    The detail I mentioned in the previous section was actually one of your biggest shortcomings here: you really didn't describe the attacks being pulled off by the Pokemon. You told us what the attack was, but you didn't show how it was performed by the Pokemon. For example:

    "Umbreon! Use Assurance!" Umbreon used Assurance on Alakazam, and the damage Alakazam took was spectacular!
    "Don't be put off! You can't give up yet!" said Eusine. "Alakazam! Use Reflect!" Eusine's Alakazam put up a mystical barrier around itself.
    "Umbreon! Use Assurance again!" said Gary. Umbreon used the attack, but Alakazam manged to pull through! However, Alakazam did look exhausted.
    Okay, so Umbreon used Assurance. The attack animation for Assurance in the game says that Umbreon slapped Alakazam with its hand, but that's where the problem occurs: Umbreon doesn't have five-fingered hands! You must describe how the Pokemon pulls off the move and show detailed effects of that move when it hits the opponent Pokemon, or it becomes very difficult for the reader to visualize the battle going on around them.

    A few more minor things: Umbreon was way overpowered in this story, aiding in taking down a Legendary Pokemon, and then defeating three of Eusine's Pokemon, two of which were in a stage of evolution similar to or higher than Umbreon itself. Granted, he was using two Psychic-types, but Umbreon isn't that physically strong, and the battle felt extremely one-sided right from the get-go. In the future, it would be a good idea to balance out the power of your Pokemon, and have Gary use something other than his Umbreon in battle.

    Oh, and Dream Eater wouldn't affect Umbreon thanks to its typing. But that's nitpicking, so I'll move to the next category.

    Length:
    Growlithe is in the Medium category; the suggested length for Pokemon in this category is 10,000 to 20,000 characters. Your story is 14,263 characters, so it makes the cut.

    Outcome:
    Drum roll, please...

    ...

    As Gary walked along the road towards the next town, Growlithe suddenly stopped in its tracks. Surprised, Gary turned around to see what was wrong. Growlithe was staring intently into the distance behind Gary, as if looking for something.

    "What's up with you?" Gary asked. Growlithe simply kept staring towards the clouds. After a minute, it barked its name a couple of times, sending a message Gary couldn't understand to nobody in particular.

    <Is he worthy?> it asked. <Should I go with him, Mr. Grader?>

    <Indeed,> I answered. <I think he's earned your power.>

    <I shall not disappoint you, sir,> the Growlithe barked in reply. It then turned around, and continued walking as if nothing had happened. This only served to confuse Gary further.

    But after what he'd been through today, he wasn't thinking about it too hard.

    Gotcha! Growlithe was caught!

    There were a lot of things that I felt needed work in this story, but I liked its plot and eccentricity, so I passed it. Be sure to work on everything I said above, though - the higher difficulty levels are not always so forgiving as I was today.

    Enjoy your catch!

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