16th April 2010, 06:47 PM #1
On a Wing and a Prayer!
It was funny. Laying down on the cool lush grass that lay around him, Taka smiled, remembering.
This day two weeks ago he was laying in his bed, staring up at his plain whitewashed ceiling much in the same way he was staring at the stars now, wrapped in a plan old boring black and white striped bed cover, just waiting for the small pale blue and grey egg to hatch. His blue eyes had just been about to shut when he heard a small rustling beside him. His heart had leapt, his mind raced. This was the moment. The egg was going to hatch. It had been the moment that he had been waiting for ever since he had found it in the woods beside his house a few months ago.
Groggily sitting up in his bed, he turned to face the small shelled orb, fingers frantically rubbing away the the sleep in his eyes. This was the real thing, right? This wasn't another dream, it couldn't be. He slapped himself in the face anyway. It stung. Yes, this was real. So he had sat there, for hours on end,just looking at this egg, this harbourer of life to unleash what lay within it. He remembered asking himself the same old questions; “What was inside it? Was it a male or female? Would it even want him as its Trainer?” over and over the questions replayed themselves inside his mind, constantly nagging at him, eating his insides.
So the egg kept twitching, and then stopping, and then twitching. So he kept watching. Finally, it just...stopped moving. It became still as the padded woven basket it was laying in.
He thought back again to that fateful day when it finally happened. He was sitting alone in his room, listening to music and peering out the window at a group of Rattata that were fighting over a scrap of food. He had mused them for a while, but then in the end had actually gone down his old wooden stair case and into his modern toilet-seat white kitchen, grabbed a piece of brown bread and padded out to where the Rattata were, breaking the bread evenly and divided it out in equal proportions amongst them. He stood watching them, then after they had finished eating and scampered off, he proceeded back up into his plan whitewashed room, only to immediately sense that something was different. There was a certain... intensity in the air.
Routon peered around the sunlit room, and then, with a shock, spotted what it was. There was a small dark creature huddled into the corner of his room, shaking and whimpering. A quick glance towards the window confirmed what he suspected. The egg had hatched, and revealed to him his fist Pokémon. Routon walked slowly over towards the Pokémon, hands held out, careful to make sure he meant no harm. His heart leapt when he saw what it was. A small, and scared Riolu.
“Hey there little buddy. No need to be afraid... here.”
Routon had said, pulling out a bit of leftover brown bread and placing it down in front of the Pokémon. For a minute, Riolu was confused, but after a quick demonstration on how to eat something, it sniffed at the bread and happily ate it, smiling widely. Routon had remembered smiling, he and this Pokémon were going to be friends forever, there was some sort of bond between them, some sort of invisible attrac-
Routon was brought back to the present with a crash, and then the sound of wings, hundreds of them breaking out of the treeline he was sleeping beside. A massive flock of Pidgey exploded out of the dark forest that stood on his right flank, and soared up into the night sky. Routon jumped to his feet quickly, almost falling flat on his face as the sleeping bag he had totally forgotten about made him stagger forward. Regaining his balance, Routon shook his head, thinking quickly. Scrambling to the ground, he picked up a small Pokéball and enlarged it, before throwing it high into the air, and falling backwards in the process. Pulling himself out of the maroon sleeping bag, Routon winced at how cold the night air felt in just his shirt and boxer shorts. Nevermind. These Pidgey were getting away fast, and unless he did something about it, he was going to miss his opportunity to catch his first Pokémon.
Eyes adjusting to the darkness, Routon smiled as he saw a familiar shape about three feet in front of him. Taka, his companion was standing waiting for a command, his navy blue two foot tall frame blending in with the night that had enveloped itself around them.
“Alright Taka, lets catch a Pidgey!”
said Routon, his voice brimming with a confidence even he himself found it hard to believe. The Riolu nodded, and readied itself, shifting its weight into a natural fighting stance, half-charged pieces of Aura trying to ignite itself in its hands.
“Don't worry about the Aura, Taka, I just want you to use Screech to grab the attention of that flock of Pidgey!”
Riolu nodded and let out a high-pitched screech, causing a good portion of the flock to flee but one or two stayed behind, growling back at Taka. The battle had begun.
Now this he had not expected. It was a three on one fight, three Pidgey, and Taka. He had to narrow down the odds. On closer inspection, two out of the three Pidgey seemed to be a bit on the weak side, maybe they were old, or ill? It didn't matter, he was counting his lucky stars that the odds had even slightly evened out.
“Alright Taka, lets go! Let them come at you, and then try a Quick Attack on the strongest one!”
Taka did what he was commanded, carefully stepping backwards until finally they went for him, the three tiny birds aiming for what looked like a Tackle attack. It would inflict some serious damage if it hit. Taka jumped high into the air, moving twice as fast as the avian Pokémon as he hurled himself towards the middle Pidgey, hitting it square in the beak with his right shin. Taka landed, and backed off again, much to Routon's delight.
“Oh yeah Taka, you got him good! This time try a Counter on the first one that's stupid enough to go near you!”
Once again, Taka waited, and then when the birds stuck again, Taka ducked, grabbing one of the Pidgey by its claw and spinning it around, performing the move Counter to perfection. The trapped Pidgey struggled, but to no avail, Taka swung it around in a circle, occasionally smacking into the other two pale brown birds. This was the last straw, and the two other Pidgey broke ranks, flying off and cawing crazily.
Taka let the bird go, and it flew into the ground, winded and dizzy.
“Taka! Finish it with Force Palm!”
Routon yelled, sensing victory. He was going to catch a Pokémon!
Taka concentrated, before a bright yellow light covered his left paw, and then shot towards the injured Pidgey, hitting it square on the back. The Pidgey flew about six feet forward, skidding along the ground with the force of the impact. Routon decided, now was the time. Plucking another Pokéball from the belt he had attached to the trousers that lay beside his sleeping bag, he lobbed it at the almost fainted Pidgey, tense, waiting, hoping.
Last edited by RouRouRou; 18th April 2010 at 06:24 PM.
24th April 2010, 12:23 AM #2
Re: On a Wing and a Prayer!
29th April 2010, 07:36 PM #3
Re: On a Wing and a Prayer!
Introduction: Sorry this took a little bit. I've been slightly busy this past week. Please forgive me. ;_;
Plot: Taka the Riolu reminisces on his first day in the world. Routon watches over his egg as it hatches and teaches him how to eat. Suddenly, they are disturbed by a flock of Pidgey. Routon decides to catch a Pidgey with his newly hatched Pokemon. A battle ensues, and Riolu is successful in knocking it out, so Routon attempts a capture.
I'd like to applaud you for the original plot. For a first story, I'm glad you didn't write a "Oak sent me out on a Pokemon journey" story. I've never actually graded a story where a character hatches and cares for a Pokemon, so bonus points to you. I especially loved your description of Routon caring for the egg, but I'll get to that later.
Length: A Pidgey requires 5,000-10,000 characters. You have almost 7,000, which is a little bit more than the bare minimum.
Detail: I loved your detail. LOVED it. I could really see what was going on and I could understand how Routon felt. Major props, man. A lot of people are ignoring the emotional aspects of their stories, but you covered how Routon felt with the egg, and it really felt authentic. I also thought it was cute how Routon taught Riolu how to eat.
The only weird thing is that you start your story with Riolu thinking back to what happened, but then it switched to Routon's perspective before Riolu hatched.
Grammar/Spelling: A couple of minor typos and grammatical errors. For example, you said, "...his fist Pokemon" when you should have said "first." Also, the continual use of "Routon" was kind of awkward. "Routon did x. Routon did y." Throwing a few pronouns in there might make the sentences a bit less awkward. The other odd thing was the way you did dialogue. I understand bolding dialogue, but there's no need to give dialogue its own line.
Battle: Great battle. It was of an excellent length and incredibly descriptive, like the rest of your story. I loved how you described the moves that Riolu did; a lot of people miss that when they're writing a battle, and it makes the battle all the more real (or at least, as real as a Pokemon battle can get).
Outcome: Pidgey captured. Enjoy your new bird Pokemon.