Why I Hate The Water!(Ready to Grade)

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Thread: Why I Hate The Water!(Ready to Grade)

  1. #1
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    Apr 2010
    Black City

    Default Why I Hate The Water!(Ready to Grade)

    Pokemon being Captured: Horsea
    Suggested Length: 20,000-30,000
    Actual Length: 26700

    Remember how your parents always said swim close to shore to avoid rip currents? There is always a reason they tell us this so we can avoid death. As sailors often say ‘The sea is a harsh mistress'.

    Air was scarce as the child thrashed on the water. He could see the beach but it was so far as the whirlpool pulled him farther and farther away. The buoy bobbed up and down like him but he would be the one to sink. The screams of parents and children were heard as the child slowly went below the surface. Nothing but muffle noise and the swirl of water as the whirlpool dulled his senses.

    The child body was sucked deeper and deeper by the whirlpool as he tried to swim up. Air was leaving its tiny lungs quickly, the light he was seeing began to creep closer. Closing his eyes seemed like the best thing to do. It would only be for a minute. He was so sleepy and where would be the harm in a resting? He couldn't see anything except.....a dot? Soon everything disappeared in to a pitch black void and the child grew larger and larger until he was around the age of eighteen.

    “Ahh!!!!" he yelled as cold sweat dripped down his face. It dripped further down his toned chest then to his abs. His eyes widened as he shivered, trying to hold himself to calm down. The nightmares became more frequent as he progressed on his Pokémon journey. The repressed memories were surfacing and they were not going to let him go until he succumbed.

    “Kiryu?!" said a shriek from the door, followed by a hard banging. Soon the door opened and in the middle of it was a petite young woman wearing a purple tank top and long white swear shorts. Her face had a concerned look while also having the ‘Why did you just interrupt my sleep?' look to it. She glided across the room and sat next to him on his bed.

    “It's the nightmares again isn't it? We didn't have to come to Alto Mare if you didn't want to. It was just a small request......." she trailed off, becoming guilty about asking him to accompany her here.

    The next Pokémon contest was being held and Flora couldn't miss it due to her absence of the last two. She needed to win this contest and the next in order to qualify for the Ever Grande Pokémon contest. Having her boyfriend on the trip just makes everything more enjoyable instead of having to deal with random strangers and such.

    “We can just go home Kiryu. Just need to catch a plane and we'll be on our way." Flora said as she felt his forehead instinctively to see if he had a fever.

    Kiryu sighed and shook his head, winching because of a headache he obtained earlier. He knew her predicament and couldn't help but feel bad. This was a vital contest for her and knowing Flora, she would probably cry about it until his ears bled. So why not kill two Pidgey with one stone. He figured he'd feel noble after doing such a good deed anyway so it's all good.

    “Nah I'll be fine. You just need to focus on your contest and winning is all. I'll get over it in no time." he said.

    Hopefully." he though.

    She took a look at him and bit her lower lip. She had an amazing temper and hated liars as well, but she couldn't stay mad at him even if he lied. She just had to make sure he was as happy as a Clamperl and her guilt would be gone. How she loved her view of ethical logic. After kissing his check lightly, she got up and walked back to the door

    He smiled as he watched her go. She was getting cuter by the day. And taller? She seemed to be growing a bit as well. He smirked and shook of the notion and let her head back to her room as it was already four in the morning and both were very tired.

    “Love you too." he said as he pulled the covers over him.

    She stopped for a second before becoming more riddle with guilt. She really hoped he got over his phobia and quick but she didn't want him mentally scarred for life. She figured it was one of those things that eventually healed itself.

    “Love you too. Goodnight......" she whispered as she closed the door softly before leaning against it with a sigh. It was going to be a long trip for them both.

    The boy wasn't moving at all. All his senses dulled by the water that was entering his body and into his lungs. That nap seemed so amazing right now. It would certainly ease the pain he was feeling now. He opened his heavy eyes and looked at the surface. The sun was just a giant white orb with a black dot. But the black dot was getting bigger and bigger. It was......it was.....

    The day was sunny and bright in Alto Mare as it everyone was preparing for the annual Pokémon contest. The Italian design of the city gave it the perfect ambience for a Pokémon contest. Kiryu sat down on a bench with an ice cream cone while Flora practiced with her Arcanine. It began with a Hidden Power followed by a Flamethrower to shatter the dots, creating a beautiful shimmer. Flora seemed please but Arcanine didn't.

    “Awww don't worry. That'll be an amazing opening combo! We just need to figure out the follow through."

    “Arff!" the Arcanine responded.

    “Right Kiryu?" she said as she scratched behind the pokemons ears. He gave her a half hearted thumbs up and went back to his cone. She groaned as the Arcanine bounded toward him, knocking him over and splattering the cone all over his face. Flora and Arcanine both gasped then snickered a bit. It was a bit funny but embarrassing.

    “I'm going to go get cleaned up." Kiryu said as he got up and smiled before walking away. He needed a tiny break to clear his head and relax.

    He walked through the winding corridors, making sure to remember each one, and walked into another courtyard that also doubled as a garden. A small water spigot was in the middle that had openings on the bottom that feed into the garden. He grinned and grabbed the handle, starting to pump the water. He held his face under the faucet and let the cooling water wash away the melted cream.

    “Ahhh man that's better." he said as he wiped his face with a bandana in his left pocket.

    A small bubbling as heard in the canal in front of him. It began as a slight bubbling before turning into a crazy, foaming bubbling before coming to a halt. Soon the water was calm as it was seconds before.

    What the hell?

    He walked to the edge and crouched down, his heart rate becoming almost audible. It was his fear gripping him again. He stretched his hand towards the surface, his pace quickening more and more. His face was drenched with sweat as his fingers grazed the surface.

    Suddenly there was a huge bubbling on the surface again and a jet of water sprayed him in the face. It was powerful enough, as it knocked him back a few feet. He sputtered a bit and turned back towards the water. A light blue sea horse with a circular snout. It smiled and tilted his head at the little Pokémon. It was a Horsea, a very rare Pokémon in the Alto Mare canal.

    “Oh you’re a Horsea. Must've washed in from the sea." he said as he gently pulled it out of the water. The little Pokémon didn't resist. It smiled and writhed happily.

    It was an amazing sight to behold as he looked down at the Horsea who was happily bouncing up and down in his arms. He smiled at it and turned around in wonder.

    “Are you doing all of this?” he asked as he looked up to see a Kyogre. He looked up at the massive Pokémon before gasping. His hands let go of the Horsea, who immediately hops on his shoulder, and put his hands over his mouth. As a reflex, he shut his eyes tightly and held his breath but oddly found that he wasn't in the water. He could breath. Kiryu looked around and waved his hand but didn't feel any water. It was all an illusion.

    “Wha- huh?" he said as he groaned

    “Y-you're doing this aren't you." he said as the illusion slowly began to fade back to the garden in Alto Mare.

    Suddenly, a bolt of lightning flew past Kiryu's ear and disturbed the tranquility. He jumped back, only a foot away from falling into the water, and turned to the darkened corridor lot darker and with a more wilder hairdo. An Ampharos accompanied her, the volts of electricity seem in the red orb on its head. The two seemed fairly new in the world of Pokémon, as only newbie’s attack the Pokémon and a person at the same time.

    “What the hell was that? You could've killed someone!" he said looking back a bit, dreading to even gaze at the watery depths.

    “Sorry but your going to have to hand over that Horsea. It's mine to capture." she said as the Ampharos flexed itself in a macho like manner. Kiryu couldn't help but laugh a bit. Was she really this new at this? Oh well. That’s no reason to attack a random trainer.

    “Well you see, reading is a major part of being a Pokémon trainer.” He said, pointing to the bright red, square sign near the dock that said NO POKEMON CATCHING ALLOWED.

    “It would really be nice if you stop attempting, and for another fact trying to hit me in the process. Now leave.”

    The girl nearly flipped hearing those words. She was always accustomed to getting whatever she wanted in life and wasn’t going to take no as an answer. She ranted on how this was her shining moment in her Trainer career and that it was fate for her to have a Kingdra. It made his head spin but hell her voice was just so annoying. He raised a hand to silence her, which just made her even madder, but it just had to be done.

    “First off, read the rules. If it says no then it means no. Second, you don’t attack a person near a Pokémon. You must be some kind of retarded huh? And finally , why this Horsea. I’m obviously talking to it and you decide to but in. Where are your morals?”

    That was the tipping point. She whispered to the Ampharos and it nodded in agreement to whatever she had just said. The Ampharos whipped its tail around as small pointed electrical spikes pointed out of it. The tail then sparked more and more as it whipped it more like a mace. The menacing look on its face lead Kiryu to believe it was going to attack the both of them, regardless of morals or not. Play time was going to be short.

    “Ohhhh think you can try me and away with that? Your sadly mistaken.”

    He threw the Pokeballs at the charging Ampharos with all the force he had. It opened but no white flash of light appeared. Instead it was a quick, black streak that pinned the Ampharos to the wall. Its mace like tail slowly lost its spark and all electricity would not release from its body. A sharp fin kept it pinned under the Ampharos's neck. The electric Pokémon struggled and writhed in pain but Garchomp kept its blue fin in place, growling like a madman.

    “There is a real reason I call him Endgame. Would you like to see?" he said with a low menacing tone. A darker side was slowly consuming him, one that had a low tolerance for idiots.

    “No no stop it! Your crushing him!!!" she shrieked as the fin pressed more against its throat.

    The Horsea yipped at him, trying to get him to stop. He flinched and shook his head. After snapping his fingers, Endgame stopped growling and backed up a bit. Ampharos slumped to the ground dejectedly as its trainer ran to it.

    “T-this isn't over!!!" she said, as a standard losing trainer would say, and trudged off with her Ampharos.

    “Man wasn't that a pain in the arse huh?" he said as he put his hands on his hips. The Horsea nodded and hopped back into the canal.

    It swam around a few timed and shot a Water Gun into his face, forcing him back a bit and showing that this Horsea had some power behind its cuteness. It swam around on the surface and mocked him as if to coax him into the water. He was five seconds away from jumping in until he realized he couldn’t swim. He stopped himself and shook his head. The sun was reaching a setting point and he realized he had left Flora by herself. That was going to be major trouble. Kiryu smiled and turned to the Horsea.

    “Sorry but I need to go. I’ll be in Alto Mare for a few more days so I’ll come back and visit you same time tomorrow ok?”

    “Horsea Horsea!” it exclaimed happily, agreeing completely with his

    He nodded and recalled Endgame, who was leaning against the wall like a gangster, back into the Pokeballs and ran back into the corridor. The Horsea dived away, but there was another presence in the garden. Flora came out from a building and her Arcanine trotted alongside her. They watched as Kiryu ran off to meet them. Something was going on and she was going to snoop until she found out what was going on. She saw a girl leaving the garden earlier but he wouldn’t cheat. Would he? And what was he doing by the water? Things didn’t add up to her and Arcanine was sniffing around to find out something that would help Flora out when suddenly it gained a scent of the female variety.

    “You picked up something girl?” she asked as she matched the canine got a lock on the scent and bounded down the corridors with Flora in tow. She wasn’t about to let this girl go until she figured out what was going on. The Arcanine bounded some more, weaving through crowds upon crowds of people. Flora apologized to people along the way. They soon reached the hotel Kiryu and Flora was staying at.

    “N-No way…..they couldn’t be….could they?” she said as she visions the two sitting on the bed, leaning in to what a very passionate kiss.

    Just the thought of that alone was enough to make her break out in rage. She gripped her hands in anger and screamed loud enough to shake the hotel to its core. Everybody, including Arcanine, was afraid by the petite looking girl. Whoever was with her sure had hell to pay for making her that angry. She stomped towards the elevator as she pushed a man carrying a stack of papers to the ground. He looked at her flabbergasted as the Arcanine bowed low to apologize for her master. Once the two entered the elevator, everyone squeezed to the ends of the elevator and hoped not to anger this girl even further.Soon the elevator reached the fourteenth floor and opened up. She stormed out towards his room, teeth bared like a lioness ready for the kill. She turned to the Arcanine and glared.

    “Be ready to bite out his jugular once we catch him in the lie.”
    Arcanine actually pondered if she could get away with that type of man slaughter. As much as she liked violence, she doubted that Kiryu would do such a thing. He always gave the best ear scratches and always made sure she got some of his ice cream He was a saint to the Pokémon world. But what about the human society? Flora and Arcanine stood in front of the room and looked at the door. Flora didn’t have time for pleasantries as she kicked on the door. Kiryu opened the door widely, showing no reason to hide anything. She stormed past him into his.

    “Hey where’d you guys go? I figured you guys came- hey what are you doing?!” he said as she looked out onto the balcony while Arcanine sniffed around the bathroom. Flora looked under the bed and then popped back up.

    “Where’s she hiding?!””

    “Who? he said, having no clue what she was talking about.

    “That chick you were talking to earlier today. Where is she hiding?” she said as she investigated the closet. Arcanine was curled up on the bed and ready to sleep.

    “Ummmm that tan skinned girl? I have no clue. Endgame sent her and that Ampharos running. Are you smoking something?” he said as he sat next to the giant canine and scratched her ears.

    Flora sighed and tapped the toe of her open toed sandals and glared at him for about five minutes. This was making Kiryu very uncomfortable. He got up and gave her a hug and forced her out of his room, the canine following immediately. He explained that he was feeling a bit tired and needed to get some rest after today, and that he would help her train tomorrow. She gave a reluctant nod and closed the door for him. Leaning against the door, she wondered why she had flipped out like that. It was very odd and she would usually never suspect Kiryu of anything bad. She needed to figure out something.

    “Arcanine, do you still have the scent from earlier? I need you to track it down now.”

    She nodded and began sniffing the carpeting in the hallway to gain a trail and it was off bounding down the long hallway. Flora followed as fast as her sandals would let her. Soon they reached up the end of the hallway, which lead to the penthouse suite. Flora had the urge to say a few words that were inappropriate for children. She banged on the door and waited for the girl to open the door but instead was an elderly gentleman, bald and graying on the sides.

    “May I help you madam?” he said before Flora stormed past him, looking around.

    “Where is she?” she as the girl came out in a light green kimono, hair tied up and kept in place with a pin with a Pokeballs on the end of it. She walked with the grace of a geisha but had the eyes of a warrior. She motioned for Flora to sit but she declined. The girls Ampharos came out and started to spark as it came face to face with the Arcanine, whose teeth was flaming slightly.

    “Now now there is no reason to get all upset. Why are you here exactly?” she said, her tone making Flora seem like an interruption which she was.

    “Did you come into contact with my boyfriend earlier?” she said as she glared at the girl.

    “Ummm that boy with MY Horsea? Yeah I did. He wouldn’t hand it over even since I asked nicely.” She said as she sat down and played with her hair. She could tell she pressed a few buttons in the girl just by being in her eyesight. She decided to play the cards a bit.

    “Hmmm you have a pretty nice looking boyfriend don’t you. Would be a shame if someone ran off with him.” The woman said as she popped a chocolate covered cherry unto her mouth, spitting out the stem in a knot. This mad Flora cringe slightly as she turned her head away and walked towards the door.

    “Come Arcanine, we’re leaving. I better not catch you near him,” said Flora as she grabbed the Arcanine by the collar.


    “I will kick your ass from here to Unova,” she said as she walked out.

    The girl whispered to the butler and asked how far it was from here to Unova. He basically stated it was on the other side of the planet. She slowly got the dry heaves and felt a bit woozy. She held on to the brown coffee table for support and slowly her anger began to rise more and more. How dare she talk to her like that. There was no forgiveness for speaking to her like that in any way or form. There will be hell to pay for that. She turned to the Ampharos and ordered it to bring it her second Pokeballs. The Ampharos nodded as it left to the other side of the suite and returned with a Lure Ball between its paws.

    “Yes…..with this I will get my revenge and that Horsea if it’s the last thing I ever do?” she cackled madly as the Butler just shook his head and closed the door, praying she would not tale things too far as is.

    Will anyone save me? Am I worth it? I feel sleepy. So very sleepy. I don’t think closing my eyes would hurt. This white light is bothering me so I’m going to just close them for a second.Just…a….few….minutes…..longer.

    Kiryu woke up, shirtless, on the bed in a cold sweat. He began to shiver a bit as he pulled the covers off of him and got dressed. He walked towards the balcony that was fifteen stories above the canal. He had no problems with heights but it was what he would fall into would be the problem. He sighed and grabbed his clothing and decided to take a midnight walk. He didn’t see the harm in it. After getting dressed, he left everything in his room. No need to bring all of his Pokémon with him anyway. He silently closed the door and sealed it back with the keycard. It barely made an audible beep, but Arcanine was able to hear it easily. It woke Flora up, who quickly removed the covers and was already dressed. She was very paranoid.

    “Ok Arcanine, we’ll get him in this time.” She said as she walked towards the door, grabbing her purse and sneaking out the door, making sure to have an eye on him all the way.

    He walked out of the hotel lobby a few minutes later and into the more crowded part of the city. Alto Mare was a surprisingly lively city during the evening. Most times would be when couples come out and socialize.
    Kiryu needed time to think and collect his thoughts. Meanwhile, behind him was Flora, who was watching from behind a light pole. She brought a lot of attention to herself as she mumbled aloud about catching the cheater in the act. Suddenly, her stomach growled loud enough that it caused Kiryu to turn around. But all he saw were people looking at the light pole. Must be nothing then. He continued walking and made a turn into the same corridor he went down earlier. He was going towards the garden to think.

    He reached the garden and wondered where he was going to sit. He saw a bench right near the edge of the garden that faced out towards the water. Hesitantly, he sat on the bench and thought. A rush of information flooded his brain as he tried to shake out thoughts of drowning as he was so close to the water.

    What was with that girl earlier? Hell, what was wrong with Flora? And what was up with that Horsea?

    He sat in the chair for around fifteen minutes when a small trickle of water grazed his face. Turning towards the lake, he saw the same Horsea from that afternoon. It slowly coaxed him into the water, but he shook his head. Something was odd though. Aside from that afternoon incident, that Horsea looked strangely familiar. Suddenly a rush of swirling memories came back to him.

    He remembered the drowning that haunted him so. Slowly his little body was drifting towards the ocean floor as the pressure was slowly building upon him. His tiny eyes closed slowly, but they caught the glimpse of a black dot coming towards him from above. It inched and inched closer to him until he could make out the shape clearly. It was a Horsea but with a defining feature, a small asterisk-like symbol on its fin.

    “What a minute. Turn to the side for a second." he said as he nearly jumped from his seat. The Horsea nodded and turned hesitantly. Sure enough the mark was there. By an extreme stroke of luck, the Pokémon he had met was the one that saved his life all those years ago.

    “D-do you remember me at all?" he said as he was finally overjoyed with meeting his savior.

    The Horsea tilted its head and looked him over for a few seconds before everything became clear. It was a few years an ago when the Horsea was swimming with its school, being lead by a Kingdra. They were swimming from the coast of Lilycove City and were on their way to Kanto when they passed Slateport City. The Horsea saw an object sinking into the sea, thrashing and thrashing before stopping. How odd. It broke the pack and went to investigate, as curious as it was. It saw it was a little boy and brought it to the surface. When he came too, the Horsea would be gone.

    The Horsea nodded and jumped out of the water. It was happy to see him until there was a giant black spot underneath it. Kiryu heard rumbling as water sprayed into the air and lifted the Horsea into the air. When the water drained down, a giant sea serpent was staring down at Kiryu and growling at him. He backed away and stumbled backed away as the same tanned girl came on the opposite side of the canal. She didn’t speak but simply snapped her fingers. The Gyarados tossed the Horsea up in the air and kept it in its mouth

    “Oh crap.” He whispered as it almost ate the Horsea.

    “Now see that? No violence, no fighting, no issues. Life would be simpler if things just go my way.” She said as the Gyarados lowered its head to let her on.

    She was about to laughed when the Gyarados had an odd look on its face, a look of pain. An Arcanine had used Extremespeed right into its stomach. Its eyes went wide and spit the Horsea back out into Kiryu. He got up and scrambled to catch it as it came into his general direction. He caught it as it shivered in his arms from being in the mouth of a monster. He turned his head and saw Flora standing in the background with a very solemn look on her face. She was sorry for everything she had put him through. He was telling the truth all along but she didn’t believe him. She would apologize alter since it was a matter of life and death at the moment. The Arcanine kicked back and landed back next to Kiryu.

    “Alright bitch, it’s time to put you back on your leash! Arcanine use Wild Charge!

    The Arcanine’s body sparked as three balls of electricity surround it. It recklessly charged at the Gyarados as it was still dazed from the Extremespeed but it was still powerful as it swept the air with its tail, both coming in contact with each other. Gyarados locked up from the paralysis as it was all one big muscle. The girl stared at the Gyarados in horror as it lay in the water, eyes as spirals showing it was knocked out. She recalled it into its Pokeballs and glared at them.
    “This. Isn’t. Over!” she shrieked and walked back into the darkness.
    Kiryu sighed and set the Horsea down beside him as he sat down, it was a long night. He turned to the Horsea and wondered how it felt being hunted like that. It couldn’t be good for it at all. The Horsea was shivering, a bit traumatized as well. He smiled and rummaged through his pockets and pulled out a Pokeballs. He pressed the white circle in the middle and expanded the ball.

    “Why don’t you come with me? Who knows how long that girls going to be chasing you? I’ll make sure to keep you safe. After all you saved me so it’s only right that I do the same.” He said as he stood up and held it underhanded. The Horsea was about to answer but stopped as it heard a growl. It was the Arcanine. Flora looked at him with a look of sadness and held her hands at her sides.*

    “I know that I've been acting very oddly the past few days, Kiryu. I realized that I haven't been treating you the way I should have. It's inconsiderate of your feelings and you deserve better." she began softly.

    “Flora there's no nee-"

    “Shut up and let me finish! Oh my!" she said as she covered her mouth and bowed in apology.

    “Well I just wanted to clear things up, there is a reason I have been acting so strangely. At first I thought I was jealous with seeing you and another girl. Then I thought you were cheating on me." she said as tears streamed down her face.

    “The reason I'm acting so weird isn't jealousy or paranoia. I'm.....I'm pregnant!" she screamed loud enough so that all of Alto Mare heard.

    His reaction was well no reaction at all. Some men would have run away screaming and jumped in the lake. Kiryu couldn't swim so that eliminated that factor. He didn't even move as the Pokeballs fell out of his hand and hit the Horsea on the head. That snapped Kiryu out of his trance and Flora, through tears and sniffles, stared at the Pokeballs as it shook.


    Editors Notes:




    Last edited by MaverickKaiser; 20th April 2011 at 03:23 PM.

  2. #2
    ._. Synthesis's Avatar
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    Default Re: Why I Hate The Water!(Ready to Grade)

    Claimed. Grade up in a day or two most likely.

  3. #3
    ._. Synthesis's Avatar
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    Default Re: Why I Hate The Water!(Ready to Grade)



    These kind of introductions are what I call pretty darn good. The first paragraph is like a little short story in itself. It tries to hook the readers attention by starting with something everyone can relate to. By using the word "you" it makes it that much more personal and really should draw the readers attention and interest. In a way, it almost seems as though the introduction is being told by a dear friend; carefully phrase yet powerful. It is easily seperated by the rest of the story through the use of italics, which is a good idea seldomly used.

    The next paragraph is done in the same style, but it seems different. We are introduced to the main character, albeit when he was much younger and we learn a little about his backstory an his fear of the water. The overall phrasing is quite powerful and effective in how it's phrased and a clear attention to detail is seen. Anyway, the intro did what it should have; introduce the main character, tell a little about his backstory and essentially hook the reader into wanting to read more. This is quite a good start to any story.

    Nothing but a muffle noise and the swirl of water as the whirlpool dulled his senses.


    You know something, this is the first contest-related story I've seen here at the URPG, so, before even going into the plot you get brownie points for being different and thinking outside of the box xD. When reading through I didn't really find anything too striking happen, which can be both good and bad. The good ones first. It means this story isn't too fast-paced and the reader really can settle down and relax while they read it. It also means that the reader should have enough time to keep up with any twists that have recently happened, which can be most beneficial indeed. However, it can be somewhat boring and turn the reader away due to a lack of excitement of action.

    I felt you had a good idea with combining the guys complete fear of water and having the whole contest-related plot in there too. It just feels as though you didn't elaborate on it too much. Why did his girlfriend want to be a co-ordinator? What caused this fear of water? Why doesn't he get some counselling if it's such a problem? It was still quite a unique concept to make a story about, so props with that.


    Right, you definitely have the general grasps of grammar as a whole, aswell as sentence structure, but there were some thing I notoced as I read through the story that I felt should be worked on. I realise there's a lot of info here, but that doesn't mean your grammar was bad or worse than other stories, by all means. This is one of my longest grades and for a higher ranking 'mon so I had more to work with and I felt as though I should try an help here as much a possible.

    1. Starting quotes with capital letters midsentence.

    ‘The sea is a harsh mistress'.
    As this was mid sentence the word "the" should be lower case. I noticed this error several times so make sure to watch out for this.

    2. Exclamation marks. There were certain places where you went over the top with them.

    Here, you used four. Generally speaking, one is plenty. Try to watch out for this, okay? It looks somewhat awkward, for want of a better word.

    3. Elipses (...). Gah, two or three is enough!

    He couldn't see anything except.....a dot?
    The above statement almost seems as though you are describing the elipse XD. It should really look like this:

    He couldn't see anything except.. a dot?
    Or something to that effect. An overuse of "dots" can derail the reader from the piece and create a very lengthy pause, which may discourage them from reading on or they may lose their train of thought and have to reread the last few sentences. Make sure to watch this one especially.

    4. Sentence structure.

    “It's the nightmares again isn't it?"
    A comma (,) should be used to break up this sentence.

    “It's the nightmares again, isn't it?"
    There were quite a number of places where I felt a sentence could have been broken up into two parts by a comma. A handy way to figuring these out is by reading the sentence out loud. Everytime you pause or take a breath is generally a good place to put in a comma.

    5. Typos. Generally, one or two typos isn't really a big thing at all, but there were a lot more in this story. It's important to watch out for these as your atory may come across as shoddily-written (which it certainly wasn't btw). I seriously recommend using a word program when you type up these stories for several reasons. First and foremost is that they highlight or make any misspellings clear so that you can correct them, or some automatically fix them which is also good. Another reason I'd recommend doing them on a word program over the forum is that it prevents the sense of urgency one can come to associate with writing on bmg and rushing to end it. I know, from my own stories, that this certainly happens. Word programs provide a calm working environment of sorts.

    6. Using the wrong form of certain words. I noticed in a few places that you confused you're with your, aswell as it's with its. Here is the basics that any aspiring writer needs to know in a quick guide I put together. If you need any help with regards to it, by all means contact me on AIM at thesyn4 or send me a PM.

    It's. It's is the abbreviated form of the two words it and is. For example, it's a sunny day today.

    Its. Its is the possessive word used to say something belongs to something. For example, the dog bared its fangs.

    You're. You're is like it's in how it is the abbreviated form of the two words, you and are. For example, you're so friendly!

    Your. Your is like its in how it is saying something belongs to a person. For example, here is your apple.


    This story was roughly 26,000 in length which is leaning towards the higher part of the character range. Good job with that.


    The plot as a whole was definitely quite realistic as far as Pokemon stories go, yet one thing did seem a tad unrealistic.

    When first encountering Horsea at the canal, a Kyogre creeps up on them. First of all, wouldn't they notice an approaching Kyogre, seeing as how it is one of the larger Pokemon in existence? I would generally assume so but if they didn't see it, wouldnMt they be alerted by the immediate presence of rain that Kyogre brings with it. Kyogre's only ability, Drizzle, and moat of its Pokedex entries state how it brings rain with it wherever it goes. However, I'm not done with the Kyogre just yet. Seeing as how they are so large, wouldn't it have trouble fitting through a canal? You never described the canal so I'm forced to conclude that it must be quite large indeed.

    One more thing about the Kyogre... as a Legendary Pokemon, they really shouldn't be in any old canal. Infact, this canal was in a highly populated area and Legendary Pokemon are legendary in how are seldom seen. It may seem like I really am nitpicking at this Kyogre, I just found its presence somewhat unneccesary. Aside from the Kyogre thing, it was actually very close to the realism boundaries, which can be hard to do. Props for that.


    The detail section in this story was quite scattered. There were some parts that came across quite well but there were other times when the detail was up to my imagination. It's important that writers know what should be described, what shouldn't be described and what has to be described. As a general rule of thumb, the main characters, the setting, as well as anything that plays a large role or is important should be described. However, the converse is also true; the rest shouldn't really need to be described.

    The characters as a whole, weren't really elaborated on or described a lot (both personality and physical appearance). As a result of this I did find it hard at times to remember which character was which. The only time Kiryu is really described is at the beginning, and even then we're only told about his "toned chest and abs" :P. The reader should get be able to get a clear image of the characters in their mind so they can actually imagine what is going on. The same applies with the hotel room and the canal. Make sure to describe them. Was Kyurem tall and stalky, or did he have golden locks? Did his head bob up and down when he walked? Did he have uncontrollable shakes? Make sure that they are described well enough so that the reader can answer these questions themselves, not having to wonder about it.

    Some areas were described rather well, like the image the reader receives of the sun in the sky at the beginning. That sentence does help to make a more powerful introduction, yet the same level isn't really continued on throughout the story, which is unfortunate. Anyway, the detail was there at parts, which is always good. Just make sure to even it out throughout, 'kay?


    The Hard category is quite a tough one, to be honest. It was quite hard to make the decission, but I felt that the detail and the plot development could have done with a good bit of work. The introduction was good, but not good enough to help bring the overall grade up by much. You had the general grips of it but I feel it wasn't enough so Horsea not captured. Just contact me whenever you are ready and I will be more than happy to regrade it. Like I said before, hit me up on AIM if you have any questions. Also, make sure to do the edits in another font.


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