Why can't I walk? (Claimed, lost the WWC)- Comment welcome
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Thread: Why can't I walk? (Claimed, lost the WWC)- Comment welcome

  1. #1
    Perpetually Moneyless Timpeni's Avatar
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    Default Why can't I walk? (Claimed, lost the WWC)- Comment welcome

    Pokemon being Captured: Vulpix
    Suggested Length: 20k - 30k
    Actual Length: Currently 22,868

    NOTE: Whenever the word 'I' is used, Sania, the main character, is talking in first person. Only in dreams and when Sania is alone is when the story is in first person.

    -----

    When I was a baby, I couldn't walk. All I could do was force myself on my feet and collapse immediately.

    Mother brought me to the doctor to see what was the problem. He simply stared and said I wouldn't live to twenty.

    By eight, I was always on a wheelchair. It pains my mother to see me fall over so many times in a desperate bid for me to walk like normal children, so I caved in.

    I'm twelve now, and the doctor says I won't live to see a birthday cake with my name on it one more time.

    Hello, I'm Sania, and I suffer from muscular dystrophy.

    *

    "Stop giving me all these privileges because you feel sorry for me. You probably do it make yourself look good." The black haired girl said. Her body was so thin and weak, you could see her bones and ribcage.

    Her hair was tied into a ponytail, and she wore the white top and black skirt which was her school uniform. Her fair skin was sunken into her bones, but one feature remained much more prominent and conspicuous than the rest.

    She sat on a wheelchair, worn from age. The girl was too weak to move her hands, so the controls were custom made to be moved by her finger. Though you would think that she would be a sad little girl, you would be very wrong. She was strong-willed, and didn't let her disability stand in the way of most things, not to mention she always beamed a wide smile on her face. It was a bad idea to pity her openly, because if you do she'll get offended. It was also a bad idea to mock and make fun of her, because once the teachers get ahold of that knowledge you'd wish you were never born.

    The naughty boys at the school knew she was the weakest physically, but definitely not mentally. They would go in search of easier prey, but the easiest prey wasn't the one you would rather go after either. In fact, if you do, you are in for a world of pain.

    The easiest prey was the disabled girl's best friend Coral. If she tells the teachers about her being bullied the teachers would ignore it due to their biased attitude, but if the disabled girl told the teachers, the teachers would punish them so badly some wouldn't ever go near Coral again.

    "But, Sania, no one should bully you." The teacher said, her blonde hair tied neatly into a bun. She wanted to punish the girl for saying something so snide but so true, but punishing the girl would only get her into trouble with the Pokemon Champion of Torila, the small region they lived in.

    "Yeah, but then if another child comes up to you and tells you about their troubles you IGNORE them! You are just scared of me and my position. If I wasn't the daughter of the Pokemon Champion you would ignore me but you don't now, because you are scared of my mother. If I wasn't disabled, you would ignore me but you don't now because you are afraid of looking like a bitch to everyone because you ignored a disabled child. Well, I'm using my protection to say something that everyone in your class has wanted to say to you: Your a bloody BITCH and you know it!" Sania said in a loud voice, with extra emphasis on the word 'bitch'. People passing through the corridors peered through the window of the classroom to see what the hell was going on. Children in their seats started to cheer for Sania, while the teacher left in an uncomfortable position with a disabled child she could not stop insulting her.

    "Children, keep QUIET!" The teacher screamed in her usual dictator voice, but this time, Sania stood in the way of the teacher, and the children did not obey. The teacher held up her hand and almost slapped Sania like what she usually did to rebellious children, but a man came in wearing a neat top suit with a black tie, square, 'nerdy' glasses and an angry expression on his face. The teacher was stunned and her hand held in mid-air as the principal entered the room.

    "What in the world are you doing, Miss Jerill? Why were all he children cheering a second ago and what did you do to make Sania so angry?"

    "I'll explain, Mister Jenkins." Sania said. She liked the principal. He wasn't biased like most of the teachers in the school, but he was very busy and needed teacher approval before anyone could meet him. Because of that, nearly no one needed to see him, or at least, that is what he thought.

    "Most of the teachers in this school are biased towards me. They don't help other pupils, and so, bullying is rampant. Why do you think there have been ten suicides from this school this year? This needs to change, sir, it does!"

    The principal stared at the girl and back at her teacher. "And how can you prove that, Sania?"

    "I knew you would ask that." Sania smiled. Coral got the message and stood up.

    Coral had short, auburn hair in a pudding bowl haircut. She had a fairly darker complexion compared to most pupils in the school and that is the only thing the boys find funny enough about her to bully. In her hand was a voice recorder.

    "Let's fast-forward to a certain period I want you to hear. The tape's actually a whole school day long- not surprising with Sania recording it." Coral said, though still quite softly, and the teacher was gobsmacked as Coral winded the tape.

    "But how can you record it?" The teacher asked Sania, who smirked sheepishly.

    "I put it behind my back to hide it and waited for evidence to come." Suddenly, everyone turned their head towards the voice recorder (Except Sania, she couldn't turn her head). A voice came out, obviously the teacher's, and a timid, weak voice sounding exactly like what Coral used to be. The more louder, dominant voice- the teacher's- was lashing out at Coral for disturbing her while she was marking.

    "But- but miss... the boys are hurting me-"

    "If you don't stop I'll hurt YOU harder!"

    The principal shot the teacher a piercing glare, and muttered something like 'We need security cameras'. He turned to Sania.

    "Thank you for pointing out the injustice shown here. You are a brave girl, Sania, you just can't show it with..." The principal was stopped by Sania.

    "I know, principal. It really isn't that bad, really, it isn't."

    *

    "How was school today?" A woman looking much like Sania said, but she was much bigger and, of course, fitter. She wasn't the best rose to look at, but Sania loved her anyway.

    "It was great, mother!" Sania said, trying to sound as positive as possible, knowing that it pleases her mother.

    Sania's mother wore a large, white strap dress and her black hair flowed to her ankles. She was a pleasant, plump woman, those you see in all those cooking commercials. But she is not what she appears outside, for she is the Champion of Torila, master of water-types. On her belt hung the six most strongest water Pokemon in the whole region- or, at least, until the Champion is defeated by a trainer.

    "I'm tired, mother. Today was a bit more hectic than usual." Sania pushed the buttons on her controller as the wheelchair moved, and her mother followed slowly, until they reached Sania's bed. It was a large, comfy bed, with an oxygen tank next to it. Sania needed it, every time she slept. It can tell whether Sania stops breathing and an alarm sounds, though most of the time she's probably choking on her own saliva.

    Her mother carried the weak Sania and tucked her in comfortably in the bed. Sania yawned as she faded out of consciousness, her mother putting the oxygen mask on her.

    *

    "Huh?"

    Sania opened my eyes, and realized she was standing up on the ground, with the sunlight shining on me. Sania moved my arms and realized she COULD move her arms. She looked at herself and saw that she was wearing a plain white top and tight light blue jeans. Sania immediately dismissed it as another dream. After all, she had many dreams where the only thing she did was dance. Dancing is her forever unfulfilled dream.

    Suddenly, she heard a door opening. A building- which she was pretty sure wasn't there before- contained hundreds of Pokeballs. To be a Pokemon Trainer was her second dream. She sighed. If I couldn't do it in real life, might as well do it in a dream, she thought.

    She entered the building and looked around. It seemed no one was there. She walked in and looked around at the surrounding objects. Test tubes, rolls of paper with words on it she did not understand, and many Pokeballs. She grabbed one randomly and looked at it. Cute, round, black eyes looked at her, a blue tail swirling behind.

    "Squirtle?" The creature said, and Sania smiled. Her mother had a Blastoise which she was good friends with. Although it had a huge body, it was quite gentle. Unfortunately, one day it disappeared for no apparent reason. Now, Sania believed- or wanted to believe- that this was a reincarnation of that Blastoise.

    She noticed a black belt with six hooks on it suddenly appeared on her hip. She attached Squirtle's Pokeball to one of the hooks and walked out of the lab, only to notice a little Rattata in front of her. She knew it wanted a Pokemon battle, so the Squirtle was sent out of its tiny ball. Sania knew everything was set up, so of course a Pokemon would appear right after she got her Pokemon.

    In a red flash of light, the Squirtle appeared out of the ball, and awaited commands from its new found friend. Sania thought up of a move after just a split second, and shouted it out to Squirtle.

    "Squirtle, use Water Gun on the Rattata! Shoot as hard as you can!" Sania yelled, and Squirtle obeyed, a torrent of water shot out from the Pokemon's mouth, hitting the Rattata hard on the head. The purple rat was not pleased, and it zoomed in on Squirtle, bashing it with a harsh tackle, and knocked it to the ground. Squirtle got up again and Sania yelled another 'Water Gun!'. The Squirtle mustered up all its strength and Rattata was hit with a move much stronger than before. Upon hitting, the Rattata seemed to be carried by the water, and a stone from behind knocked out the Rattata as its head bashed against it.

    "We did it! Our first battle!" Sania yelled in the air, simply elated. We was even saying it softly right when her mother woke her up.

    *

    "Sania, remember, you can only sleep for an hour, or else you won't get up ready for afternoon school at four!" Sania's mother said to her. Sania yawned slightly and opened her eyes, to be greeted by the wide smile of her mother. She removed the oxygen mask and prepared to put Sania in her wheelchair, but then noticed something odd.

    "Sania, where did you get that Pokeball?"

    Sania darted her eyes over to the red and white ball she was holding. Inside was a sleeping Pokemon, its body mostly tucked into its brown shell except for the tail. Her mother grabbed the Pokeball and looked at it. The Squirtle woke up abruptly, and stared at the stranger that was holding her. Sania's mother released the Squirtle onto the ground, and picked it up. The Squirtle was shocked and tried to squirm away, and Sania's mother immediately put the Pokemon down, sensing its fear.

    "I have no idea where this Squirtle came from. Do you have any clue, Sania?" Sania thought of whether to tell Mother about her dream as mother returned the Squirtle to its Pokeball.

    "Well, I had a dream about it. Though, that's probably not how I got it." Sania said, and her mother gave her a confused look.

    "Yes, there must be a more... scientific explanation." Her mother said before putting Sania on her wheelchair, and walked off to give Professor Amber the strange Squirtle for storing. She turned towards the computer and a device plugged into a slot in the Pokeball, transferring the Squirtle over to Professor Amber, Torila's version of the Pokemon Professor.

    "Yes, Professor Amber, your not hearing things! My daughter said she had a dream about a Squirtle, and a Pokeball appeared in her hand, containing a Squirtle! Crazy, huh?" Sania's mother said over the phone with Professor Amber, or, also known as her best friend.

    "Well, Katie, I have heard that there was stories of other people having this happen to them. I'll record this down in my journal. Keep a close eye on Sania, okay, Katie? Oh dear..." Katie heard a loud crash in the background of Professor Amber's side of the line. "Um... I'll get back to you later. My Gible's going wild again."

    The phone hung up, and right then, Sania went up to her mother and asked a question. "Mom, why does our region have no unique Pokemon?"

    Katie turned to her daughter and replied swiftly. "Oh, there is no true answer, but we have mixtures of several other region's Pokemon. I am guessing this was where most of them originated. After all, we used to be connected to the four regions Kanto, Johto, Hoenn and Sinnoh before. But then, out region was split apart in a volcanic explosion cause by out famous mountain, Mount Fituna."

    "Oh, okay. Thanks, mom." Sania said before she headed off to do several other things on her mind.

    *

    "On the subject on why our region has only a mixture of Pokemon from other regions, I suggest that this was where most of them originated. After all, we used to be connected to the four regions Kanto, Johto, Hoenn and Sinnoh before. But then, out region was split apart in a volcanic explosion cause by out famous mountain, Mount Fituna." Sania said, revealing the true intention on why she asked her mother such a question suddenly. There was to be a discussion on it in class that day in the afternoon.

    In Torila, the pupils go to school for four hours in the morning, 7'o clock to 11'o clock. Then, in the afternoon, around 4'o clock, there are another two hours of school.

    Sania noticed that the teacher she has confronted earlier that day has been replaced by a nicer male teacher, and Sania smiled to herself.

    "Very good, Sania. Now onto Daniel...," The new teacher said, and at that instant the school bell rang. "Oh, dear. Looks like we took too long. All those who have not presented your reason will do it tomorrow. Now, class dismissed."

    Sania and Coral exited the classroom together, Coral pushing the wheelchair. Sania was always annoyed about having to use the controls to move it and it made her fingers ache, so with Coral pushing it Sania felt much more comfortable.

    "Thanks for teaching me how to be braver, Sania. When I listened to the tape earlier I couldn't believe how small I sound!" Coral said, giggling. Sania stayed silent, the subject of her strange afternoon nap in her mind. Coral looked at the silent and puzzled Sania.

    "Is anything bothering you, Sania?" Coral said, and Sania decided to tell her friend about the dream she experienced.

    After a lot of talking and explaining, Coral finally understood the dream her friend had experienced.

    "You know, I think I experienced something like this before. I dreamed of getting a new doll, and when I woke up the very doll I bought in the dream showed it! Actually, my mom gave it to me, so it could just be really coincidental." Coral said. Sania agreed, but in her case Coral was dreaing about something that might happen. Sania had not.

    "Well, my mom is going to kill me if I don't get back soon, so bye!" Coral said, and she left Sania at the pick-up point right next to the canteen, where her mother usually arrived. Sania sighed and waited for her mother to come along.

    *

    It was in the deepest pits of night. Sania was sound asleep, and her mother sat next to her in a chair, watching her. She couldn't install security cameras because Sania didn't like them, and Katie wanted to see where the Squirtle might have come from.

    In Sania's mind, she opened her eyes and was greeted by the sight of a large, white gate. In front of it was a wooden sign, saying, "Welcome to Fituna Town!"

    Sania looked her belt, and noticed the Squirtle from the dream before there, peering up at her trainer. Sania smiled and walked into the town. She has only been here once when she was ten to visit her aunt, who then moved near her school for convenience. There were many stands selling hot drinks in this cold weather. Sania gave a 'Brr' as she was freezing only wearing a thin white top and jeans in temperatures at around fifteen degrees celsius. She thought of visiting the Clothes Store first before going up the mountain to catch Fire Pokemon or going for a dip in the Hot Springs.

    Inside the Clothes Store was warm air. Sania relaxed as the heaters bathed her in warmth. She looked around for nice winter clothes, and spotted a dainty, waterproof aquamarine fur jacket. She grabbed it and grabbed the blue neck warmer that came free along with it in a set. As she approached the cashier, she remembered one thing: Money! Where was it? Sania quickly dived her hand into her pocket was was relieved that she still had her gold purse with her. Inside, she saw many clumps of notes, hundreds of Pokedollers. She read it price tag, which said seventy-five dollars.

    "Ouch. Expensive jacket." Sania muttered as reached the cashier.

    "Hello, I would like to buy this jacket." Sania said, placing both the money and the jacket on the counter. The cashier turned around and Sania was absolutely stunned.

    The cashier was Professor Amber! Sania had seen her on television many times, and remembered her features. Long, auburn hair like Coral's reaching her hips, large, round glasses, round, cute black eyes, and a small mouth. Professor Amber was known for many things: Smart, kind, beautiful, and having a very short fuse.

    "Yes, you can buy that. Here's the receipt..." Professor Amber said, and Sania took the receipt and put on her jacket hurriedly. Wow, dreams can turn weird to bizarre in one Planck.

    Meanwhile, in the real world, Katie looked away for a moment to get some water. When she came back into the room, she dropped the plastic cup in a loud thud as liquid spilled across the floor. A large, blue jacket has appeared on Sania out of nowhere! Not one to deprive her daughter of her beauty sleep, Katie cleaned up the mess and took off the jacket to make sure Sania won't get to hot.

    Back in the dream, Sania was deciding between going in the Hot Springs for a quick dip or going out to capture some Pokemon.

    Suddenly, a man passed by her talking to a woman, and he said that in the Hot Springs allow Pokemon to take a bath too. Sania smiled. "Well, looks like my mind wants me to go to the Hot Springs first, so let's go!"

    The Squirtle gave a happy cry as Sania entered the doors of the wooden hut. Inside, there were two doors, one that said 'Men', and another said 'Women'. There was also a sign next to each door, which said 'Pokemon are allowed to bath in the Hot Springs.'

    Sania dashed into the Women's Hot Spring, nearly bumping into one coming out wearing several towels. She took off her clothes and summoned Squirtle out of her ball. Squirtle jumped in joy and entered the body of water in front of Sania which was the Hot Spring. Sania followed, and a wave of comfort and heat bathed her body. Sania felt all her bones crack as she moved her body. "Ah! That feels good." Sania said. Squirtle started to shot weak Water Gun at Sania. "Hey!"

    *

    In the real world, the alarm that meant Sania has stopped breathing sounded. Katie jumped and leaned over to clear her daughter's mouth, thinking Sania was simply choking on her saliva again. But Sania was not. Katie's eyes widened when she realized her daughter's time was almost up. However, she was not going to give up her daughter without a fight. She grabbed the phone and dialed the hospital's number.

    In the depths of Sania's dream, she felt no disturbance whatsoever. Sania was a normal girl leaving from the Hot Springs and heading towards the mountain to catch a Pokemon.

    After putting on all her clothes and drying her hair, Sania headed towards the Mountain Lift. It was packed with people and trainers wanting to capture a Pokemon from the mountain.

    "Hello and welcome to the Mountain Fituna. Hopefully you have a Pokeball with you as you go capture a Pokemon!" The mechanical, recorded voice sounded. Sania moaned.

    "I forgot to get a Pokeball!"

    A man standing next to Sania silently handed her a Pokeball. Sania proceeded to say thanks, but the man wouldn't hear of it. He simply shushed Sania. Sania remembered the man to be her uncle. He always helped others and never needed thanks. In fact... it was her uncle!

    But never mind that. The lift has reached the lower part of the mountain- the part where Sania wanted to go. Some people remained, going up higher to catch larger and more stronger Pokemom.

    When the door of the lift opened Sania lost her grip on reality. She wasn't in a dream anymore. The dream was reality, and Sania believed it was so as she stepped out of the lift.

    In real life, the Pokeball Squirtle was in disappeared, leaving Professor Amber confused as she looked for where it was. The blue jacket disappeared, fading away entirely.

    The cool breeze greeted the new Sania, now a developing Pokemon trainer. She ran around and jumped into the tall grass. She knew where to go, how to do it. She herself didn't know why she knew it, but she didn't care.

    She encountered a small, red dog-like animal. Sania knew it as a Vulpix. Sania threw out Squirtle, who immediately responded to Sania commanding it to use Water Gun.

    A jet of water flew out of the Water Pokemon's mouth. The Vulpix felt extreme pain as the water blasted her, as if it burned its skin. The Vulpix proceeded to hit Squirtle with a Ember, small flames coming from the Vulpix's mouth. The Water Pokemon was not affected badly by the attack, but still gained a reasonable amount of damage.

    "Squirtle! Don't give up! Use Bubble!" Sania said, and streams of bubbles came out from Squirtle's mouth. With each bubble that popped near or on Vulpix, the fire Pokemon screamed, sustaining damage.

    A blueish-white flame came out of Vulpix's mouth. It surrounded Squirtle and then bashed into its exposed leg. The Squirtle yelped in pain as the fire caused a burn.

    "Uh oh! Looks like its time to catch Vulpix now!" Sania yelled, and the Pokeball flew swiftly towards Vulpix, trapping the Pokemon inside.

    *

    In real life, Coral and Professor Amber received a call. Sania was dying.

    Coral begged her parents to bring her over to the hospital, while Professor Amber quickly flew on her Togekiss towards the hospital.

    Beside Sania's bed, Katie was weeping bitterly. Coral busted into the room at that moment, looking at what was happening. Professor Amber followed closely, and watched as Sania died.

    At that moment, in the dream world, Sania noticed the ball shake once. She held her breath in anticipation.

    While Sania's journey in the dream world truly begun, Sania's journey in the real world was about to end. Coral burst into tears as Sania lost her grip on life. Her mother, the powerful champion, was crying.

    The ball in the dream world shook twice when Sania truly died.

    However, her mother noticed one thing. On Sania's face was a true smile.

    When she died, she truly looked like an angel.
    Last edited by Timpeni; 11th March 2011 at 05:59 PM.
    URPG Stats
    Rangering: Closed currently
    Story Deals: Closed for now (Open to bribes)

    P.S. My story deal load is a lot, so if you bribe me now you have to wait pretty long.

  2. #2
    abcdefg. Shozuka's Avatar
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    Default Re: Why can't I walk? (Claimed, lost the WWC)- Comment welcome

    Introduction: This was pretty good overall. You took the time to describe the character’s appearance, personality, and her major illness. You started out the story explaining Sania’s daily school life, which was good elaboration. I liked that you started the story out with Sania in a small conflict with the teacher, and what she said is quite true. What could have been a bit better, though, was if you made the beginning just a bit more interesting. The whole teacher situation was cool, but some readers might have become bored (and confused) and stopped reading. Try not to just start a story off with dialogue, because the reader has no idea what is going on and who the person is speaking to. This was still very good though, and was overall a pass. Good job.

    Plot: Sania is a physically disabled girl who has the best of intentions. She has a few dreams about her becoming a Pokemon trainer, which transfer to reality. A Squirtle that she catches in her dream appears when she wakes up, and this causes her mother, a champion, to be a bit worried. Before anyone can find out why this is happening, she dies while dreaming.

    Just because the introduction was good, doesn’t mean that the plot will be great. There was, to be honest, no plot. Sania has dreams that turn to reality, but this is never elaborated. The reader never finds out why Sania is having these dreams that somehow become real. This would have been a great plot if you would have continued on how she had these dreams. Then in the end, she just dies. Everything ends, and we never find out anything. First of all, why did she die? How did the dream that she was having cause her to suddenly stop breathing and die? It seems to me that you just wanted to finish the story off, but in the process you just ruined it.

    Without any elaboration of what could have been an amazing plot, you don’t really have a conflict in this story. There was the little thing with the teacher, but that was quickly solved. The story was pretty much just about a few days in her life, a couple weird dreams, and her dying. I wish you could have done something else with the plot. This isn’t good.

    Grammar/Spelling: This was a good job. I didn’t see any big grammatical errors here. There were just a few typos, but that isn’t very important.

    Your a bloody BITCH and you know it!
    Your should be you’re, but there weren’t any other errors like this in the story. I expect it was just a typo.

    This is honestly it. It’s nothing a spell-check and grammar check couldn’t solve. Good job.

    Detail/Description: You managed to describe the characters in your story pretty well, and we especially can get a mental picture of Sania. However, there are some things that you left aside. Things like the setting in the introduction of the story, the school, were left un-described. Also, you don’t seem to use interesting words when you describe things. Try not the use the same, boring words when you are describing something. It could cause the story to become dull and almost as bad as not describing anything at all. Just work on those things and you’ll be okay with this.

    Length: This was about 22,000 characters, which is good and dandy for a Vulpix. This is a bit on the lower side of the recommendation. An elaborated plot and a much longer battle, which I’ll tell you about next, would have brought the length up a bit more.

    Battle: This was VERY short and nearly nonexistent. I’m really thinking that you just wanted to get this story over with, and this is another of the bad effects of it. This battle was 1,000 characters; 1/22th of the story. You could have added MUCH more to this battle.

    You described the attacks pretty well, but adding a few more of them would have lengthened the battle. Another thing that could have made the battle a bit longer, and better, is to describe the surroundings of the battle and how the attacks could have affected it. You could have also explained Sania’s reaction to the battle. Additions like this would have lengthened the battle and made it better.

    Outcome: The story was pretty good with grammar, detail, and the introduction, but the two main sections were not good at all. I have no choice but to tell you that Vulpix was not captured. I hope that you return to this story and fix it, because I think that it would be a GREAT story to read.

    EDIT: I'm sorry I didn't realize this before, but Vulpix is a Medium category Pokemon. The suggested length for Medium Pokemon is 10 - 20 K characters, so you exceeded that. Good job. However, I still think that this story needs to be improved, and the Vulpix still isn't captured.
    Last edited by Shozuka; 23rd March 2011 at 05:25 PM.
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