Crawling. Eating. Growing.
That is the life of a mother fucking Caterpie. Except, this one time, there was this kick ass Caterpie that didn’t listen to anybody. Not even that bitch, Mother Nature.
“C’mon, man,” Mother Nature said. “You have got to become a Caterpie now!”
“Fuck that shit,” said the awesome Caterpie. “I am who I am. I’ll be damned if some broad will try to change me.”
With that, the Caterpie propped its tail up on a stool and laid back in its awesome leaf chair. Beer cans littered the floor of the shoddily put together house. As Mother Nature angrily stormed out of the house, she looked back and yelled at the Caterpie.
“You will never amount to anything! Just remember that while you waist your life and drown yourself in your beer!”
“Meh, I’ll do what I want,” said the Caterpie.
After the angry bitch left, the mother fucking Caterpie got up and crawled to the bathroom in his house. He looked in the mirror and saw that stubble was growing on his jaw (That’s right. This Caterpie was so badass it could grow a beard.) He was just like any other Caterpie, except his skin was a golden color due to the large quantities of beer consumed daily.
“Commander Badass,” The Caterpie said to its reflection. “You are one handsome mother fucker! And Mother Nature is on her period, like usual, and just wasn’t feelin’ it today.”
Commander Badass the Caterpie crawled back to his living room and kicked some beer cans. He realized that he was sobering up, so he went into his kitchen and opened the fridge. Inside the rusted fridge lay hundreds of beer cans. That is all. He reached into the refrigerator and grabbed a can. In one swift motion, he cracked open the can and began to chug the alcoholic beverage.
A few seconds later, the can was empty and he threw it on the ground. Out of nowhere, the Lonely Island song “Threw it on the Ground,” began to play. He began to jam, then went outside as soon as the song finished.
He had to throw on a pair of sunglasses to stop the harsh sunlight from rendering his sense of sight of useless. He had quite the hangover from the night before. He and his lady friend Hannah, or as he called her, Hannah Montana, had been partying hard that night.
Commander Badass crawled through the dense grass forest towards the colony of Caterpies to the north. He was going to meet Zolar, some kid that thinks he’s cool or something and tends to chill around him. They were going to get food because food is great. They weren’t even hungry, just wanted food.
He saw Zolar hitting on some girl outside of a shop. As he approached, Commander Badass realized that it was not working in Zolar’s favor. The dark-green colored Caterpie that Zolar was trying to get with seemed familiar, but he couldn’t put a name on it.
“Hey, why don’t you just get some of him already?” Commander Badass said.
Zolar shrugged. “He’s got a good point, ya’ know.”
She slapped both Zolar and Commander Badass with her tail and crawled away. The two male Caterpies rubbed their cheeks from the pain of the slap. Naturally, Commander couldn’t feel much of the pain on an account of the intoxication that he was under.
“Let’s get some food now.” Commander said to the younger, teal colored Caterpie.
“Sounds like a plan. I’m hungry after trying to get with her.” Zolar said.
The two then walked to the nearby dinner and sat in their usual booth. They had marked their name in it and people knew not to sit in it. After ordering their usual meal, nachos with a shit ton of jalapenos, they made with the small talk.
Soon, their order came and they began to eat. In between bites, Commander told Zolar of his experience with Mother Nature. They both shared a good hearted laugh about it. They finished their meal and Commander went up to the register to pay for the food.
He looked at the lady working the register and was confused. She seemed so familiar, but his drunken self couldn’t figure it out. He paid for their meals and they began to stroll out of the diner.
“Oh, Commander!” The waitress said. “You forgot something!”
He turned around as a beam of purple light hit him. He immediately transformed into a Butterfree and he knew who the bitch was.
“Mother. Fucking. Mother. Nature,” He said angrily. Then he realized, he was the chick Zolar was trying to get with.
“Have fun looking stupid!” Mother Nature said as she dissipated into nothing.
In the back of the diner someone yelled. “Hah! Gay!”
Moral of the story; Don’t be a douche to Mother Nature.
Gimme My Caterpie!