Thread: The White Eyed Creature - (Ready for Grading)

The White Eyed Creature

The dark blanket of night slowly covered the city. It gradually lit up like a football stadium before kick off. The roads filled with taxi’s racing around, dropping off the foolish students and immature adults at night clubs. Fast food shops quickly opened, enticing the passers-by with the smell of full fat burgers and uncooked chicken. A young man walked down the main street, watching these events take place. His long dark trench coat scrapped across the floor and his boots clanged as he walked down the pavement. The gentle wind brushed through his thick brown hair. He withdrew a cigarette and placed in on his rosy lips. Removing a small Zippo lighter, he set alight the cigarette. He breathed in the toxins from the cigarette and exhaled the smoke. The man continued to walk, with his cigarette still placed in his lips, and took a left turn down a small dark alleyway.

I’ll take you to the candy shop

A vibrating feeling pulsed down his right leg. He withdrew the phone from his pocket and flicked it open. “Sup,” He muttered down the phone, placing the cigarette in his hand.

“Not much man, just wondering where you are, you ditched us man,” the voice down the phone replied.

“You know how much I hate parties with desperate girls hanging off your trousers,” the young man replied, taking a puff from the cigarette.

“Whatever man, you used to be cool before you started to…”

The phone fell to the ground. The young man stared ahead into the darkness, fixing his eyes onto the mysterious bold white eyes. His hands started to shake violently; he had no control over them. The white eyes gradually came forward, getting bigger and bigger. The young man quickly turned his back; his whole body was now shaking. Without much thought, the young man sprinted back onto the street and down the road.

The white eyed creature slowly stepped forward out from the darkness. It looked at the mobile phone and quietly cried, “Gligar.”

~~~

“I don’t care if the mayor is in a meeting; he said that we would have a chat at 1:00pm. Do you know what time it is,” There was silence down the phone. “It’s 1:05pm. I am an impatient man Miss Sullivan, I want to talk with the mayor at once,” He slammed the phone onto the base and slumped into his chair.

“Mr Darcy, here is the coffee that you asked for, where should I put it?” one of the interns said as he walked into the office. Mr Darcy glared at the intern and grabbed the closest thing on his desk, a title plate, and threw it at the intern shouting, “Get out immediately!”

Everyone outside fell silent and watched the intern run out of the door, avoiding the title plate. The intern burst into tears and ran into the female toilets. Mr Darcy kicked the door open and shouted, “Get back to work; the paper isn’t going to print itself.”

During the whole conflict, a young reporter sneaked in from the double doors and quickly leaped to his desk, hoping he wasn’t spotted by the infamous Mr Darcy. However due to his bad luck, he was caught. Mr Darcy pointed his large stubby fingers towards the young reporter and shouted, “You, in my office now!” The office fell silent and watched the young reporter slowly make his way towards Mr Darcy’s office. He looked down at the floor, avoiding any contact with the other employees. Normally whenever someone was called into Mr Darcy’s office it was for two reasons, you were either going to be fired or you were going to have you pay cut. The reporter opened the door and ventured into the office. The moment he walked in, he was greeted by a blast of fresh air. Mr Darcy looked at the reporter and pointed to a leather chair, opposite from where he was sitting. The reporter slowly sank into the chair and looked into the eyes of Mr Darcy. Those dark brown eyes sparked fear into everyone in the building.

“John, why haven’t you been answering your phone?” Mr Darcy asked, in a calm tone.

John stuttered for a bit and then answered, “I was out last night and I walked down the alleyway next to Gallagher’s Fish and Chips. I dropped it on the ground after seeing these two bold white eyes.”

“Bold white eyes?” Mr Darcy replied, intrigued from what John had said.

“Yes, there have been sightings of these bold white eyes popping up all over the city. After seeing these eyes, I quickly ran away,” John said.

“But why did you run away? Where you scared?” Mr Darcy asked, leaning forward in the process.

John didn’t want to admit to his boss that he was scared by these two eyes, it would ruin his reputation. He paused and replied, “Somewhat yes, however I have a great idea. I could write an article on this sighting. I could be a good story.”

There was silence. John watched as Mr Darcy started to go over the idea in his head. As scary as Mr Darcy was, he was easily readable. His brown scraggy eyebrows were raised and he planted his right hand onto his stubbly chin. Finally Mr Darcy said, “Sure, try and find this white eyed creature.”

John smiled and quickly left Mr Darcy’s office. He knew that if he had stayed in the office for any longer, he knew that Mr Darcy would get agitated by the smallest thing and John would get an earful. As John left the office, he was greeted by everyone’s eyes. It must have been a change for them, seeing a person leave Mr Darcy’s office with a smile on their face. John manoeuvred through the office and walked towards his desk. He picked up a two small Pokeballs and placed it on his belt and then exited through the large brass doors.

~~~

John walked out onto the main street. It was a cloudy day and the sunlight barely broke through the thick clouds. Cars plodded along the road, occasionally beeping their horn at the driver in front. John walked forward, passing by a hot dog stand. He could smell the fresh sausages leaving the portable cooker. Temptation got the better of him and he removed a small green piece of paper from his pocket. He exchanged the money for a hot dog and sank his teeth into the warm meat. There wasn’t anything better than having a fresh cooked hot dog in the middle of the day. After he finished his hot dog, John carried on with his mission at hand. He started too walked towards Gallagher’s Fish and Chips shop, supposedly the best fish and chips in the whole city.

After arriving at Gallagher’s Fish and Chips shop, John paused for a second. He looked down the alleyway, where he had encountered the white eyed creature. The alleyway was lit up now. It was occupied by a couple of unused dustbins and a large sewer drain, planted in the middle of the alleyway. John walked towards the sewer drain and noticed something different about it. The wire barrier had been cut, meaning something had either come out of the sewer or entered the sewer. John had decided it was the later of the two and took off his black jacket and his red baseball cap. He looked down through the wire barrier and he could see the rushing liquid flow down the sewer. When he removed the sewer catch, he was greeted by an unpleasant smell. The smell smelt like a room of dead rats left there for weeks on end. John braced himself and plummeted down into the dark sewer.

~~~

He landed on a concrete path, which ran adjacent to the liquid which flowed through the sewer. John glanced around, trying to find a light source. He looked to his left and found a small lantern, placed inside a small glass box. He smashed the box and removed the lantern. Glass was scattered everywhere, however John wasn’t fussed and ignited the lantern. He held the lantern up high and started to walk through the sewers. After walking for about five minutes, John heard a feint sound up ahead. John picked up his pace and suddenly reached a large open area. Ahead he noticed a pile of valuables, including phones, wallets and watches. He quickly rushed towards the pile and started to search through it. As he was searching through the pile, he started to wonder who would go to the trouble of stealing yet keep it down here. However John suddenly knew who was behind this. He held a phone in his hand with the words inscribed on the back, ‘Property of John Harper’

John quickly stood up and started to franticly search for the white eyed creature. Then in the distance, John was reunited with the two bold white eyes. John stood his ground and watched as the white eyes slowly approached him. John’s hands started to tremble, however he placed them inside his jean pockets. John raised the lantern to reveal the white eyed creature. The light pierced the darkness and revealed the creature before him. It had a purple body with two blue flying squirrel-like wings. Its short hind legs and it had feet that appear segmented with a large, single claw each. John raised the lantern and revealed its face. Its bright white eyes stood out from its purple face. Its white fangs glued to its top mouth and a large rosy pink tongue stuck out.

John took a few steps back and suddenly realized what this thing was. “You’re a Gligar right?” John said to the Gligar. Gligar looked up to John and smirked, snapping his pincers shut. John was speechless, he had never seen a Pokemon inside the city before. The police tried to ban Pokemon from the city and mainly keep them in the countryside, their reason was that Pokemon are vermin and will just cause problems in the city. Then Gligar took a few steps back and started to snap his pincers, enticing John to battle it. John realized that Gligar wanted to battle but why? Was it because it was protecting something or was it because it wanted to be owned by a trainer. After wondering about it for some time, it finally became clear. Gligar wanted to be loved in life. It explains the frequent appearances around the city; Gligar was looking for a new trainer however Gligar kept scaring people because they’ve never seen a Pokemon before. John grabbed a small Pokeball from his belt and held it in his hand. The capsule quickly expanded into the size of a rounders ball, and John threw it in the air. The capsule burst open and a small canine Pokemon appeared on the ground. The canine Pokemon barked out loud and looked on at the Gligar. John smiled; he never got to spend much time with Growlithe because of work and the restrictions placed by the local authority. Nevertheless, John and Growlithe were the perfect team together.

John looked at the Gligar and then focused his eyes on Growlithe. “Growlithe,” John said “I want you to use Flamethrower.”

Growlithe nodded in agreement and opened its small mouth. Then immediately Growlithe created a powerful blast of fire from its mouth. John quickly raised his hands above his face, protecting his face from the attack. The sewer started to get a lot hotter and small sweat droplets started to form across John’s forehead. Gligar started to dodge the ongoing attack, dipping and ducking from the ongoing blasts of fire from Growlithe.

“This Gligar is sure fast,” John said as he watched the Gligar glide through the air, dodging the attack. Growlithe halted immediately and watched as the Gligar started to glow in a bright purple colour. John noticed this as well and was intrigued where Gligar was going to go with this attack. Purple energy spiralled up and around the Gligar, creating a small tornado like effect. Then Gligar crossed his claws over each other and sped towards Growlithe. As it collided with the purple energy, some of the energy attached itself to claws of the Gligar. Gligar was now speeding down towards Growlithe with its claws now covered in this purple energy. John stopped and suddenly realized what this attack was. He was about to call out to Growlithe however it was too late. The attack was X-Scissor, a powerful physical bug attack. Growlithe was sent flying and landed onto the ground beside John. John bent down and gently picked up the Growlithe. He looked into the small sea blue eyes and sighed. He should have never bothered capturing this Gligar, it’s just causing problems. He turned around and was about to leave when all of a sudden, Growlithe started to bark. John looked down at the Growlithe and understood what it was trying to say. The small Puppy Pokemon jumped off from John’s hands and landed on the floor and faced Gligar.

“You want to battle this Gligar then, OK. Growlithe, use Overheat!” John commanded. Growlithe nodded and started to glow in a dark red colour, generating energy from every muscle in his body. Then John pointed his finger towards the Gligar and shouted, “Alright, let’s do this.” Growlithe cried out loud and produced a huge heat wave from his body. The heat wave travelled through the air, increasing the temperature. The wave smashed into Gligar, sending the part ground and part flying type into the ground. Although Overheat was a powerful move, it did have its drawbacks. The user used a lot of energy to produce the attack meaning that future attacks wouldn’t be as powerful.

Gligar got gradually got back into the air, despite taking a lot of damage from Overheat. Gligar started to close its eyes and focus on its next move. John watched a light misty brown aura started to devour Gligar. The FlyScorpion Pokemon suddenly opened its eyes and cried out loud. The light misty brown aura started to solidify and within seconds, Gligar surrounded himself with a huge rock barrier. Then Gligar smashed his tail against the rock barrier, smashing the rock barrier into small segments. The small rock segments plummeted towards Growlithe like a meteor shower. Growlithe was pelted by the oncoming stones. Gligar smirked, enjoying watching another Pokemon suffer. John quickly ran across towards the injured Growlithe and said to the Puppy Pokemon, “Growlithe, are you ok?” There was no response. John tilted his head over the injured Pokemon, knowing that there was no Pokemon Center close to heal Growlithe. If the authorities knew John had been looking after Growlithe, he would serve time in jail and never get to see Growlithe again. A teardrop formed from the base of John’s eye and gracefully fell onto Growlithe. John started to feel Growlithe’s heartbeat and suddenly noticed that his eyes were wide open. John looked at Growlithe and said, “I will never leave you again; you will always be by my side, even if it means I have to quit my job and leave the city,”

Growlithe opened its mouth and started to lick John’s cheek. John started to laugh and stood back up, looking down at Growlithe. He turned to Gligar and said, “Alright Growlithe, it’s time to capture this Gligar once and for all,” Growlithe barked out loud in agreement to John’s statement. “That’s the sound of it, OK, Growlithe use Wild Charge.”

Growlithe howled out loud and then looked directly at Gligar. Then Growlithe started to run towards the Gligar, generating energy as he was running. The energy started to crackle and spark and soon Growlithe was consumed by the electrifying energy. The move looked like Volt Tackle, a move only learnt by the Pikachu family; however this was a different type of move. Growlithe leaped into the air and smacked into the Gligar. The electrical energy passed onto Gligar and sent the flying Pokemon crashing into the floor. John knew this was the right moment to capture Gligar once and for all and grabbed an empty capsule from his belt and threw it towards Gligar. Gligar disappeared into the ball, rolling forwards and backwards.

John quickly ran across to Growlithe and picked up the Puppy Pokemon and cradled it in his arms. “It’s ok Growlithe; you don’t have to hide anymore. I am going to bring Pokemon back into the city, starting with you.” Growlithe outstretched its tongue and started to cover John’s face in saliva. John smiled and turned back to the Pokeball.

Pokemon Trying to capture: Gligar (Medium)
Characters: 15,670

I shall be grading this. Expect a day sometime in the next day or two.

- Kat

Introduction: So we opened up into a night scene of the city. There was some nice description of the going-ons of the city, though I felt you could have added something else than just visual description. It feels a bit weird not knowing where this city is or what it’s even called. Is it a city of your own invention, and is it set into one of the canon regions? While it may not be very important, it does help the reader orientate themselves better.

Plot: White eyes, eh? It certainly seems like something scary if you’re out in the city in the middle of the night. About these eyes, John mentions that there have been previous sightings, so it seems weird that there isn’t a mention of that somewhere in the introduction. Since it turns out that the Gligar accumulated so many belongings, it’s important to let us know from the beginning that there have been more than just John’s encounter. Call it some foreshadowing, if you will, that will make the reader think back to the beginning of the story to connect all the pieces.

I felt the transition between the sighting and the actual objective of finding the beast was too abrupt. Mr. Darcy was depicted, right off the bat, as someone that couldn’t tolerate tardiness or anything else of the sort; even an intern who wasn’t at fault faced his wrath. When John comes, tardy and knowing he had missed his boss’s calls, it seems unlikely that Mr. Darcy would sit down and listen to the whole story rather than fly off the handle and throw something else. It contradicts what we already know about Mr. Darcy: that he’s impatient, a bit rude, and has a rather short fuse.

About Pokémon being banned within the city, I felt the information was oddly placed within the story. One moment John is shocked to see Gligar before him and in the next, we’re told that Pokémon are considered vermin and kept in the country. The sudden shift of focus takes away from the scene. The moment should be focused solely on what John is feeling right now and how he plans to go about this situation. The banning seems like something else the reader could connect back to the introduction. That connection could then lead to the connection of Gligar needing human company. So the train of thought would look something like this:

Pokémon banned à Gligar in need of human company à steals to gain humans’ attention à John deciding to catch it as a new friend.

Grammar/Spelling: Overall, all was good. There was nothing that made the story hard to read. However, there were typos and mistakes, such as mission periods, using the wrong word, and so on. Make sure you proofread your work at least twice to pick out as many mistakes as possible.

Length: Character requirements were met. As for the actual story, I do think it went by too fast. The capture may only be Medium, but that doesn’t mean you can’t flesh out the plot more. Practice is always good.

Reality: Pokémon are banned from the city and anyone with a Pokémon could serve time in prison. So why does John keep his Growlithe’s Poke Ball and a spare on his desk, where anybody could easily see it and identify them as his? Keeping them on his person would be safer than that.

Description/Detail: The description you put in your surroundings was pretty good. I could picture the sewer and the smell quite well. Such details would have been great to add in the beginning because a city has so many smells and noises that distinguish it from another city. You mentioned the smell of burgers, so it doesn’t hurt to add more details here and there. The city is, after all, the setting for the entire story.

The actual characters were left in the dark, with the exception of John. Mr. Darcy is your protagonist’s boss and the person that leads John to the actual plot of finding the mysterious beast. He deserves to have more than his fingers described. When it came to the Pokémon, Gligar was described pretty well, but Growlithe was just a dog. Since both are equally important it makes sense for both to be equally described.

Getting away from visual details, I want to talk about John. Other than the fact that he’s a journalist, I know nothing about him. No normal person would go after some mysterious beast, so what exactly motivates him? There was a mention that he didn’t want his pride injured, so is John proud? Does he normally take such risks for his job? Where I want to go with these questions is that all main characters need some background information because otherwise, we can’t relate to what he’s doing in the present/in the story.

Climx: So the story ended with a battle that was pretty well written. Both sides seemed to have the upper hand at one point or another, and I could visualize the attacks just fine. Don’t forget that you can use the surroundings during battles. For example, instead of creating a rock wall, Gilgar could have already used the sewer walls for its attack.

I know I sound redundant at this point, but John deciding to bring Pokémon back into the city seemed too sudden. There was no mention of the law itself before the climax, let alone the fact that John wanted to change it. It makes sense if he considers Growlithe a good friend and ally, but the mention still came out of nowhere. Once again, I suggest wheedling in the information somewhere in the beginning of your story, maybe not necessarily in the beginning but before the climax.

Outcome: I will say, Gligar captured! It was a solid story for a Medium Pokémon, despite my plot nitpicking. Other than that, please double check your grammar and spelling by proofreading your story more before posting. As of right now, that’s the biggest issue you have. Everything else is a matter of taking your time and fleshing out your story.

- Kat