23rd November 2010, 10:49 AM
When the Krow cries Another Man Dies (Ready for Grading)
Attempting to capture: Murkrow
Difficulty level: Hard
Actual length: 10298
Status: Ready for grading
namari no sora omoku tarekom
Translation: The leaden sky is a heavy sign
Eterna forest was a wondrous place during the fall. It was twice as big as Viridian forest and offered more Pokémon. It was an amazing place to be in to look for Pokémon. Or date. Couples strolled by, holding hands and kissing one another. And they were everywhere. Komuro groaned.
“What is with all these couples? Next thing you know, I'm going to be roped into all this lovely nonsense," He said aloud as some couples walked past him and scowled.
He just shook his head and looked at his wrist. A black Live Caster was operating normally. It displayed the time in digital. He pressed a button and another screen folded out. A sequence of numbers rapidly appeared. Then it went black. Seconds later a guy appeared on the screen with long, shaggy brown hair. He looked as he had just woken up due to his yawn and how he rubbed his eyes.
“Ugghhh who is it this early?” The guy said as his vision focused.
“Oi Kiryu get up. I need some info on the Eterna forest,” he said as found a giant mossy rock to sit down on and pulled the Link Caster off his wrist.
Kiryu sighed as he looked at the Caster. “Still looking for your sister huh?”
“Yeah, and a way home. However, I have a lead,” He said as he pulled out a tan leather book from the small knapsack on his back. It was old, dusty and smelled quite musty. The buckle on the front made out an H with silver dots embellishing it. He held it by his face and so Kiryu can see it. “Had to sweet talk the librarian at the Canalave Library to take it out glass casing. One flash bang later, I’m on the roof with a key to getting home.”
“Flash bang?” said Kiryu curiously.
“Flash bang.” He repeated.
“Ok?” Kiryu said, looking slightly disturbed. “So tell me what you’ve got and I’ll help as best I can but hurry up. I got to go soon.”
“Right. On page 1337, it says that 'The key to Holon is the elements seventeen released. Once released, the gateway to paradise is all but assured,” He scrolled through the page some more and closed it with a sigh. “That means typing. I need to catch seventeen Pokémon. Well twelve with my current team.” He said as he relaxed against rock. It projected off a cooling aura that made him feel oddly serene. “I need some more Pokémon and you’re going to help me catch them.”
Kiryu sighed and nodded in agreement. “Aright. So you’re in Eterna Forest? Hmmmm lots of Burmy around. Buneary and Wurmple too. Maybe a Murkrow if you get really lucky this early in the morning.”
“Murkrow huh? That’s part flying type. I definitely can use that to get home. I need to search out one.” He said as he jumped off the giant stone. “You look like hell. Dreams again?” he said somewhat concerned.
“No. Just tired is all. Go get your Pokémon. I owe Flora a date and she’s banging on my door right.“ Suddenly the was a crash over at door as he flinched. It was Flora in a black knee length skirt and pink tank top. She wore a white denim jack and was eyeing Kiryu like a demon, you could tell she wanted some.
“Grr. you son of a bitch, your missing our date!!" Flora yelled as she stomped over towards him angrily.
Komuro couldn't help listen to the swearing and yelling. That girl was pissed beyond reason, she had to be on her period. He decided to close the Live Caster after Komuro started yelling ‘I give'. He had enough problems to resolve and dragging Kiryu's issues into it as well wasn’t going to help.
“Time to get started on the hunt.” He whispered quietly to himself.
The sun shone through the small cracks in the leaves of the trees, creating majestic scenery. Instantly, his hand went to his chest. He reached under his black shirt and pulled out his most cherish possession, his sisters golden locket. He was suddenly remembering a piece from his past.
“Brother? Brother come on! You’re going to get lost if you don't hurry up." Said a small girl with red ribbon in her black hair. She wore a light blue sundress and white open toed sandals. The same golden locket hung gracefully around her neck.
She flashed a warm smile at Komuro who was running up to her out of breath. Black seemed as if it was the only color he knew due to his black shirt and shorts. “Why are you always running? So impatient!" She smiled at him and took his hand and walked with him towards a giant lake with a visible electric current running alongside the trepid surface. Suddenly, a Gyarados with a yellow aura popped out. It roared as it came to the surface and submerged.
“It’s beautiful isn’t it?” She said as she rocked on her feet and smiled at him. The words echoed out and the forest was back in clear view of him. Once walked more and found at the Northwest exit of the forest. He was glad to finally get out but sad that he couldn't find a Murkrow or at least a Starly. He decided he would at least give looking one last shot, but before he could a trainer couple locked their eyes on him.
“I guess I have no choice." He said as he approached the two. Apparently, everyone was battling using cute Pokémon. This was going to be an easy win. When he saw the Charizard and Yanmega on the field, he instantly gained a sense of challenge.
“Alright. Let’s make this a decent match. Go!" he said as he tossed two Pokeballs into the air.
First came out an odd bird like Pokémon with red and blue triangles coating the lower part of its body. Three small horns adorned its head like a crown. Then there was a dark green dinosaur like Pokémon. Their gazes caused the smaller Pokémon in the area to cower behind their trainers, and even the trainers were becoming afraid. The intense battle aura coming off from both sides of the field was pouring out.
“I'll start us off! Sonic take to the skies! Kyrios use Ice Fang on the Yanmega!"
The Togekiss and Tyranitar nodded then began their attacks. The couple seemed shocked from the fast decision but quickly launched a counter measure. Charizard followed sharply after the Togekiss while The Yanmega released a powerful Sonic boom from its wings, stopping Kyrios dead in its tracks.
In the trees, a Murkrow had just woken in the middle of the day, groaning from its misfortune of daytime wariness. It decided to seek out a new tree to rest in due to the sun shining through the leaves. It flapped its wings once and flew out towards, unknown to it, an aerial battlefield.
“Come on." Komuro said as he turned to the skies and watched the explosions go on and off as the Aura Spheres and Flamethrowers collided. So far the two were evenly matched. As for Yanmega and Tyranitar? Komuro ordered a Stone Edge which slammed Yanmega into a tree, causing it to splinter.
“Looks like that one is down.”
The two Pokémon floated a while then came down hard on each other, using every part of their bodies to take down the other one. Each tool equal blows until Komuro decided to end it.
“Sonic use Thunder Wave!" he yelled.
The Togekiss' body sparked slightly and Sonic rammed into the Charizard. Soon the muscles in Charizard’s body locked up and in went into a freefall. The Togekiss followed with a charged up Aura Sphere. The Murkrow was flying towards the battle, confidently assured that it wouldn’t be hit. It was wrong.
The bird Pokémon attempted flew quickly to the other side but was soon met with a volley of Aura Spheres. Normally the move would not cause much damage, but combined with the speed and power put into it, it caused more than a lot of damage. The force of the Spheres caused both wings to break in multiple places.
“Krow!!!!!!" it screeched in agony as it lost altitude fast and hit the ground a few seconds after Charizard.
“Ohshi-" Komuro yelled as he ran off to where both Pokémon crashed, other people coming around to view the accident. The Murkrow writhed in pain as its wings were bent and mangled into a mess. Komuro looked guilty as it gently picked it up and cradled it in his arms. Looking around frantically, he saw an Aid Tent set up under a shady tree. He, the couple, and a plethora of people came up running to the tent, causing the staff to panic slightly.
Suddenly, a tall man with black hair who appeared to be around his thirties, came out wearing a white lab coat with a red Pokeball symbol on his right breast pocket. He turned to the crowd and then to Komuro, noticing the Murkrow in pain. He quickly motioned the couple and Komuro inside.
“Dare I ask what happened to this Pokémon." he said as Komuro set him on the table. There was a small fold out table with a large first aid kit set up right next to it. A defibrillator is set to the side and a few chairs are set up in a miniature waiting room.
“An Aura Sphere volley from my Togekiss." Komuro said, guilty that an innocent Pokémon got hurt.
“That must be one healthy Togekiss.” The doctor said as Sonic flew down next to Komuro and let out a sad chirp.
Nodding, he dismissed them to the outside waiting area where the waited for the results of what the diagnosis. Komuro sat in the chair, expecting the worse and guilt ridden. He had injured an innocent Pokémon. Was he actually caring? He groaned and at least hoped it would be alright. The saddened Togekiss leaned against him in the other chair, hoping he could share the same pain to help clear Komuros mind.
Twenty minutes later, the doctor came out with the Murkrow in his arms. Its wings were bandaged fully and a small bandage across its cheek. Otherwise it seemed completely fine.
“It's recovered pretty quickly but it still needs a treatment at the Pokémon center. We don't have the necessary resources out here." he said as he set it on the ground.
“Oh let us take it! We'll make sure it gets there." the man said while the woman stood behind him.
“No I'll take it. My Pokémon injured it therefore it’s my responsibility." Komuro protested. He looked at the Murkrow and felt he had a duty to get it home. He smiled and bent down to the injured bird Pokemon and petted it softly. He then backed away and gave it some space.
The doctor sighed. “Unfortunately I cannot consent and release it into your care unless Murkrow decides who goes with it. Alright Murkrow you need to decide. If your well enough then hop to whomever you want to go to."
The Murkrow looked at the two, Komuro on the left and the couple on the right. It took the faithful leap into the air and landed. It hoped it had made the right decision.
Last edited by MaverickKaiser; 18th October 2011 at 10:11 AM.
19th December 2010, 10:59 PM
Dance in the ashes
Re: When the Krow cries Another Man Dies (Ready for Grading)
(translation for you non Jaba-speakers: claimed)
27th December 2010, 10:25 PM
Dance in the ashes
Re: When the Krow cries Another Man Dies (Ready for Grading)
I am putting the sections of this grade in order of importance =)
Sweet description overall. But there is always room for improvement. While you're good at describing things, I see there are areas where you could improve upon and become not just "good" but excellent.
The first and main thing I will talk about is not a specific item in the writing world (like placement of adjectives/verbs, or the use or one style over another) but a theory. That theory is think about every situation and person you are writing about. Imagine yourself being in the world you are writing about, standing alongside your characters like an invisible ghost. Put yourself in your character's shoes and then step out of them and let the character put their own shoes back on.
By that, I mean think about what type of personality your character has. Then imagine a situation or dialogue they are involved in and think of how you'd be feeling right then and how you'd be acting. Then think about how your character would act and describe it.
Say you were just told that a good pet you cherished had died. Since you liked this pet, you would probably be feeling sad. Depending on how long you've had the pet and the circumstances in which it died, you might be feeling not just sad, but striken with grief or maybe even angry, or dazed. What would you imagine yourself saying or doing to your friends when they asked what happened to the pet? Now, imagine what Komuro would be feeling and what he would be saying and doing. Would he hide the pain? Would he try and tell jokes about the pet and remember good times? Would he react at first with violence and then calm down? Maybe he wouldn't much at all, even though he really loved the pet...though that would kind of be bordering on disturbing.
Anyway, the point is, think about the situation you are writing about and then bring that atmosphere to the reader. You don't have to write down every minute detail (usually, the more you say in less words is better)--though sometimes throwing in an occasional tiny detail, even if its not too important, can stick with a reader. But the point is, try and describe the general feel of what is happening.
Overall, you seem to me to be thinking about what you are writing about and getting most of that across to the reader, but there were points where I had a general picture in mind, but no real atmosphere or feeling or anything about that part of the story.
Like in Eternia forest--I could imagine those lovey-dovy couples pretty well (which is great), but I couldn't quite imagine how it must feel to be in the forest right then, walking about. I know you said it was 'an amazing place to be in to look for Pokemon.' But I'm not sure why it was so amazing--because there are Pokemon tumbling into your lap or because it's a beautiful location or a combination of the two or something else entirely.
Generally though, you did well :) I think you could do even better though if you kept it in your mind to imagine and think about your characters/situations. I'm always thinking about what I am writing about, but sometimes I fail to look beyond the surface of whatever I'm focusing on and really put myself in that situation. And if you're on a roll and just typing away like a madman, then that is cool, just keep writing and when you are done, go back over everything and think "Did I describe everything as if I were there?"
Plot 'n Shizzles 'n Bizzles:
I recall talking to you a while ago and I believe you said this story was part of a series where the protagonist had to capture seventeen 'mons (twelve, if ya wanna be technical). So this is like the first of many, right? Okay.
Since this is part of a series, I'll leave it to you to answer later on questions like 'What is Holon? What will the seventeen Pokemon do? What is this book?' and so on. In the next chapter or the one after that or whatnot.
What does he mean by 'typing' in that sentence?
Originally Posted by from Krow
While I would rather like to know what is going to happen with those seventeen 'mons and the promise of the book and the end of the story seems pretty good, I'm not grading the whole series. I'm keeping in mind, of course, that this is part of a series, but at the same time, I'll be honest with you. I expect a bit more for a story that is looking for a Hard level Pokemon. There is nothing wrong with the plot, its just seems more suited to a medium level Pokemon. Your writing was decent, but the plot, while promising, is a bit simple. It reminds a little of 'Kid walks into forest looking for 'mons' expect this has a couple interesting characters and a couple interesting twists :(
Grammar and Story Structure:
Grammar and all wasn't too bad, but it could use some polishing.
Alright. You need to put dialogue (aka, when people speak) and its supporting sentences (like "he said.") in its own paragraph. Otherwise it looks a tad sloppy and can make reading hard on the reader.
Should be this:
Originally Posted by Krow
SO PUT A SPACE BETWEEN YOUR DIALOGUE AND ITS SUPPORTING SENTENCES AND YOUR NEXT PARAGRAPH! OR I SHALL SEND A MAGIKARP TO SPLASH YOUR A@@ INTO SPLASHY-ISH EXISTENCE <3 k, sweetie?
Originally Posted by Krow; edited by Dragoness
When sentences after a piece of dialogue depend on the dialogue to function, then you put a comma between the dialogue and the next sentence.
Originally Posted by Krow
"Your" is possessive, like "Your pants!" or "Your cake was good!"
Originally Posted by Krow; bolding by Dragoness
"You're" is a contraction of "you are" like "You're too tired!" or "You're acting weird." You misused "your/you're" a couple times, just an FYI.
Length: 10k. If you used a razor blade, could you cut it any closer? xD Nah, it's cool.
If you're going to go to the trouble of describing more than one or two attacks, then you probably should also go more into describing the effects of the attacks. I liked how you remembered the environment (like the tree Yanmega was thrown into). Keep that up.
As for describing the attacks and the attacks effects... think about what the attacks may look like, what effect they will have (like how the Aura Spheres broke Murkrow's wings). Also, and this isn't "needed" (I don't usually do it very much myself 'cause I am not good at strategy) but you could also think even more about the strategy behind the battle. What attacks are good, what combos to use, how to use a giant rock to bounce attacks off. Eh.
I mean, it was actually a decent little battle, but I like to nitpick :)
I'm sorry :( But no Murkrow for you. It was a interesting short story, but for a Hard Pokemon, I would expect a little more, y'know? The plot is the main thing that is dragging you down.
So...to capture Murkrow, do both of the following:
- First of all, go through the story and seperate the dialogue and its dependent sentences (like "he said." and so on) into their own paragraphs!
- Add onto the plot. I know it's not the most easy thing to do, but it does kind of need to be done. For example, you can think of friends of Komuro or a sweetheart he meets and slowly edit them into the story and then have a confrontation that involves them; or maybe add another situation where Komuro gets into trouble or rescues someone or whatever! It doesn't have to be a huge thing that affects the main plot, it is okay if its a simple add-on to the plot, but something more does have to be added.
Other: Eternia forest = sweeet name. I liked this story, it caught my interest...even though it didn't quite pass :sigh: And yes, I spent an undue amount of time on the description. I tend to do that when I see someone do pretty well, but at the same time fail just short of hitting the bullseye.
And in case I forget to ask ya later, what language is this: 'namari no sora omoku tarekom'.
21st October 2011, 06:49 PM
Dance in the ashes
Re: When the Krow cries Another Man Dies (Ready for Grading)
Regrade: Passed. You neatened up the grammar a bit. I wasn't very clear on what I meant by "add to plot", my bad. But you seemed to have added a bit, so great :) Enjoy your Pokemon.