What Goes Around Comes Around [PG-13 for violence and blood]

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    the vibration pokemon Nitro's Avatar
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    Default What Goes Around Comes Around [PG-13 for violence and blood]

    There are elements of WWE factoring into this, but it retains a lot of originality imo. Also, this story is PG-13 because there's a lot of blood, violence and cold-blooded killing. Of course, if you like that, keep reading!

    Capture info at the end.

    +++

    "Introducing the challenger in the red corner, Gothorita!"

    "And her opponent, the challenger in the blue corner, Medicham!"

    In a dark and shady stadium, a spotlight flashed on each Pokemon as an announcer announced its name. Both Pokemon were standing in a boxing ring in the center of a stadium, and they were each looking around nervously. Despite the evident uncertainty these Pokemon radiated, the loud and boisterous crowd cheered on whoever they thought was going to win.

    Gothorita, the Pokemon standing by the red post, had no clue what was going on. A few minutes ago, she had been locked into a dark cage where she could see nothing outside. Just now, she had been tossed into the ring. The black Pokemon was a humanoid, with black buns on either side of her head. Her cute pink face looked as if it was on the verge of crying, which would've looked very upsetting to most people. However, this crowd was bloodthirsty, and they hardly cared about this Pokemon's emotions.

    Meanwhile, Medicham stood opposite Gothorita. He had just gone through the same experience, and was similarly confused as to what was happening. The gray Pokemon looked around, shifting his bulbous purple legs so he could turn around and look at the crowd. However, he could only see faces staring back at him, all of them yelling loudly.

    "May the fight begin!"

    The crowd started roaring when they heard the announcer commence the fight, and immediately the Medicham looked at the Gothorita. Both Pokemon understood what the word "fight" meant, and they sized each other up.

    "Gothorita!" Gothorita immediately started crying. She did not want to fight. Instead, she wanted to go back to where she had lived before the humans came and took her away from her family.

    At the sight of the Pokemon bawling, the crowd immediately booed. They came to see a fight, and this was simply below their standards.

    Meanwhile, Medicham was also thinking about the situation. He figured that if he defeated this puny Gothorita, perhaps the humans that took away from his brothers would let him go back to his home. Immediately, Medicham bent down and eyeballed the Gothorita. In his mind, he was a true competitor, and he would only battle when his opponent was ready.

    At the sight of Medicham preparing to fight, Gothorita stopped crying and stared back. The crowd was booing loudly, and she knew they wanted a fight.

    "Rita!" Gothorita yelled, her eyes glowing blue. Immediately, Medicham recoiled as a painful shocking feeling coursed through his body - this was the Psyshock move, he recalled.

    The crowd immediately started cheering. The fight had begun.

    Medicham refocused himself, and leapt at Gothorita. His right hand startled crackling with electricity, and he swung the ThunderPunch at Gothorita. Gothorita flew into the steel ringpost, and Medicham continued his onslaught by jumping up and landing a Hi Jump Kick on Gothorita.

    As Medicham landed gracefully on the ground, Gothorita tumbled on to the canvas beside him. Medicham knew he had this battle finished with, and he jumped up again. He knew this Hi Jump Kick would finish the battered and beaten Pokemon off.

    However, as Medicham was beginning his descent, Gothorita regained her senses. She saw Medicham flying towards her with his leg aimed at her head, and she immediately rolled out of the way. Medicham crashed into the canvas, and immediately began groaning in pain.

    Gothorita watched Medicham in pity, then realized the crowd was cheering. They were loving this, and she then understood they wanted her to finish the Medicham off - permanently.

    Her eyes started to glow purple. Her black body started to radiate a purple aura, and soon Medicham was also glowing with the same purple aura.

    "Gotho... RITA!" Gothorita yelled, utilizing the Psychic attack. As she uttered the last two syllables, the purple aura around her body intensified. Immediately, Medicham exploded.

    The crowd burst into cheers as chunks of Medicham's body laid all over the ring. Blood stained the faint blue canvas a violent shade of red. Some people sitting ringside were covered in Medicham's blood, and one lucky fellow was holding a chunk of Medicham's remains and bragging loudly about it.

    "Your winner is... Gothorita!"

    The crowd cheered loudly, and Gothorita started to smile. This crowd was cheering for her, and she felt empowered.

    "Now, as per Destiny Bond Tournament rules, the winner will join the loser in death! Sit back, and enjoy the fireworks!"

    The words coming from the speakers seemed to spark the crowd, and they started cheering louder than ever.

    Gothorita didn't understand what was going on, but immediately part of the canvas in the center of the ring ripped apart. A large turret emerged from beneath the ring, and the machine gun immediately turned to Gothorita.

    "Goth?" the Pokemon wondered, approaching the machine carefully.

    Immediately, the gun spraying bullets at Gothorita. She felt the bullets pierce her body, her arms, her legs, and even her head. She screamed in pain, but she couldn't hear herself.

    Within seconds, Gothorita was dead. The Psychic Pokemon was laid across the canvas, and bullet holes littered her body. A pool of blood was pouring from her body, and her once cute face was locked into the despair of death.

    The crowd exploded with cheers.

    "Staff members will now prepare the ring for our main event. Please head to one of the offices located in the arena to place your bets. The main event starts in fifteen minutes!"

    The stadium lights flickered on, lighting up the large stadium. The tattered Robert M. Sauls Center was once a glorious stadium, but it had turned into a worn-out and old building due to a lack of funding. The owner, Kevin Sauls (who also happened to be the grandson of the man this stadium was named after), simply did not care enough about the stadium to bother refurbishing it.

    As staff members went about changing the blood-stained canvas with a new one, four men in tattered overalls walked towards the ring. They were wheeling along a large plastic cage, inside of it four smaller wire cages that held Pokemon. When they arrived at the ring, they each carefully took a cage and stood by a ringpost.

    In a couple minutes, the lights were beginning to dim and most people were returning to their seats.

    "And now, it is time for the main event! This will be a Fatal-Four Way Match with four Pokemon. The last Pokemon standing will be declared the winner!"

    "Introducing the Pokemon in the red corner, Farfetch'd!" A spotlight shone on the red ringpost, and a Farfetch'd appeared in the ringpost. The brown bird was clearly confused as to what was going on, but he crowed loudly with confidence anyways. He held a brown stick with one of his wings, and brandished it wildly with pride.

    "Introducing the Pokemon in the blue corner, Machop!" The spotlight went off and quickly turned back on, shining on a Pokemon at the opposite end of the ring. The blue-grey Pokemon looked humanlike, but he was very short and covered in muscles. He stood there quietly, looking around with no emotion.

    "Introducing the Pokemon in the green corner, Tentacool!" Once again, the spotlight flickered off then back on at a different corner of the ring. Beside a green ringpost, a Tentacool rested. The blue Pokemon rested against the turnbuckle as he lazily moved his tentacles around. Two beautiful red orbs were growing on both sides of his head.

    "And last but not least, the Pokemon in the yellow corner, Blissey!" The spotlight shone on a large pink-and-white Pokemon, at which the crowd started cheering loudly for. It was clear that this Pokemon was the crowd's favorite. She had a relatively peaceful appearance, and her eyes seemed soothing albeit a little confused with the situation. An egg rested in a pouch on her chest, and she seemed to be protective of it, covering it with her small pink hands.

    As the crowd cheered loudly, the spotlight flickered off and a larger light enveloped the whole ring for all to see. The Farfetch'd eyed his opponents menacingly. Machop stared back coldly, while Tentacool seemed indifferent to Farfetch'd. Blissey had a defiant look in her eyes as she met the eyes of Farfetch'd, but she didn't try to intimidate the Pokemon back.

    "May the fight begin!"

    Immediately, the Farfetch'd leapt into the middle of the ring, pointing his stick at the other three Pokemon as he carefully spun. Tactically, it was a dumb move and the crowd laughed at the Pokemon. However, none of the other Pokemon bothered engaging Farfetch'd. Tentacool continued to stare at his tentacles, while both Machop and Blissey returned Farfetch'd's glare.

    The crowd wasn't thrilled with this turn of events, but Farfetch'd quickly decided to go for Blissey as she was clearly the biggest threat here. He walked towards her, and Machop started to do the same. As they cornered her, Tentacool quietly turned towards them and crawled over on his tentacles.

    As Machop and Farfetch'd cornered Blissey, the Normal-type Pokemon stood her ground. Machop threw the first punch, and it struck Blissey square in the head. Farfetch'd quickly followed with a stick to the chest, and this one hit Blissey as well. However, Machop and Farfetch'd tried to go for their next attack at the same time, and Blissey caught both Machop's fist and Farfetch'd stick, and lifted them up before throwing them back down on the ground with a devastating thud.

    Both Farfetch'd and Machop lay on the canvas in pain - the Seismic Toss had done a lot of damage. All of a sudden, Tentacool came out of nowhere and leapt onto Blissey. He wrapped his tentacles around her, and squeezed tightly. Blissey screamed in pain, and the crowd booed Tentacool as he Constricted their favorite Pokemon.

    Machop struggled back onto his feet, and saw Tentacool on Blissey. Immediately, he saw an opportunity to do dish out some serious damage to both of them. Running over, he grabbed Blissey with Tentacool wrapped tightly around her and lifted her onto his shoulders. Then, he suplexed both Blissey and Tentacool into the center of the ring. The crowd oohed and aahed at the power the Machop showed with the Vital Throw, and Machop's supporters started to cheer loudly.

    Then, Machop turned his eyes to Farfetch'd. He was still down, and he wasn't moving. Machop saw an opportunity to finish the Pokemon off, and picked up Farfetch'd by the head. However, as he laid his hands on Farfetch'd's skull, the Flying Pokemon immediately smashed his stick into Machop's face. Machop recoiled in pain as he realized Farfetch'd had been lying in wait to launch a sneak attack on him. However, as these thoughts rolled through his head, Farfetch'd got up and prepared to continue his onslaught.

    The first whack with the stick caught Machop fair in the chest, and the Fighting Pokemon doubled down. However, the second hit aimed towards the back of Machop's skull - the finishing blow - was caught by Machop's hands. Machop immediately whipped the stick (with Farfetch'd still holding on to it) towards the downed Blissey and Tentacool. Farfetch'd joined the other two Pokemon in a heap in the center of the ring as Machop confidently smiled with an aura of victory.

    Then, Blissey struggled back to her feet. Though Machop's Vital Throw had dealt a lot of damage to her, she was clearly a tough Pokemon with the will to persevere.

    Machop immediately tried to knock Blissey back down, running towards her with his fist ready to strike. The Mach Punch knocked Blissey backwards into the ropes, but this backfired on Machop as Blissey rebounded into him and knocked him over. All of Blissey's weight was forced on Machop, and the Fighting Pokemon groaned in pain.

    Then, Blissey suddenly found her vision obscured. There was a painful, tight feeling around her stomach. She realized these were Tentacool's tentacles, and that the Water Pokemon was once again Constricting her.

    Blissey struggled back to her feet, trying to remove the the Tentacool from her head. However, she was stopped in her attempts when something slammed into her chest - Farfetch'd's stick.

    Though she couldn't see anything, both Farfetch'd and Tentacool had regained their senses while Blissey had toppled over on Machop. As Tentacool held Blissey, Farfetch'd continued to beat her with the stick. Soon, Machop had returned to his feet, and he joined Farfetch'd in assaulting the gargantuan Blissey. She toppled over, and Tentacool released his grip.

    After the tiring three-on-one assault, both Farfetch'd and Machop backed off to different turnbuckles to regroup. However, Tentacool remained by Blissey's side. He jabbed one of his tentacles into Blissey's flesh, and the skin surrounding the wound immediately turned a sickly shade of pale green. This was Tentacool's Poison Jab attack. Blissey coughed as the poison spread throughout her system, her pink-and-white skin turning green as the poison coursed through her body.

    Then, Tentacool plunged the other tentacle into the wound. The wound immediately turned a violent purple. This new poison ate away at bits of Blissey's skin - this was the horrendous Toxic attack. The crowd was silent, watching this slow and silent devastation of the Pokemon that was once their favorite to win.

    As the poison continued to eat away at Blissey, Tentacool pushed the Pokemon underneath the ropes and out of the ring. The crowd immediately knew she was done for - if she wasn't dead already, the poison would finish her off in minutes.

    The Tentacool returned his gaze to the other two Pokemon, both staring back with fear in their eyes. They had previously underestimated the Tentacool, but they realized their mistake.

    Cautiously, Farfetch'd walked along one side of the ring. Machop joined Farfetch'd's lead, walked along the other side of the ring. Tentacool watched them walk towards him from both directions without his emotionless eyes.

    Farfetch'd went on the offensive first. He swung his stick at Tentacool, who deftly caught it with a tentacle. Tentacool whipped it into the crowd, and Machop turned on the now weaponless Farfetch'd. The bird realized he was outnumbered and without his weapon - essentially screwed. He had one option left - the Brave Bird maneuver.

    Farfetch'd took a deep breath, and locked eyes with both of his opponents. He was ready. The duck launched himself towards both Machop and Tentacool, taking flight and gliding in with a determined look in his eyes. Machop and Tentacool were taken aback by him taking to the air, and all three Pokemon tumbled into the ropes. Farfetch'd continued to snap his beak at every bit of Tentacool and Machop within reach. It was a bloody mess of flesh and blood.

    All of a sudden, the center of the canvas ripped open and a turret rose from beneath the ring.

    The crowd started roaring with excitement - this was a pleasant surprise they had not expected.

    Farfetch'd, Machop and Tentacool immediately turned to the turret. They did not know what was coming, and they looked at it with curiosity.

    Immediately, the turret opened fire. Farfetch'd was immediately cut down, and the crowd roared their approval. However, both Tentacool, who had been resting against the ropes, and Machop, who had also been close to the ropes, managed to roll out of the ring before the turret managed to do any serious harm to them.

    The crowd started booing loudly at this turn of events, as it seemed likely the Pokemon were going to try and escape. Immediately, the spotlight on the ring expanded so more could be seen. Eight staff members walking towards the ring came into view, and the crowd started cheering again - the staff members were pointing pistols at the Pokemon.

    Machop and Tentacool looked at each other. They knew what it was going to take to come out of this situation alive, and they crawled underneath the ring together.

    Beneath the ring, Machop and Tentacool couldn't see anything. It was completely dark. They waited for their eyes to adjust, and the mangled mess of wires and machinery that was the turret came into view.

    Machop quickly climbed up the turret. The humans had surrounded the ring, and they watched him carefully. They were under strict orders not to kill the Pokemon unless he made an obvious attempt to run away or he provoked them - the manager was trying to roll in even more of a profit with this turn of events.

    Atop the turret, Machop grabbed the turret so he could get it to swivel around. He turned it at the humans, and they realized what he was trying to do. Instead of worrying, however, they started laughing. Unlike the Pokemon, the staff members knew that the turret was operated wirelessly by a controller backstage who would not open fire on them.

    Machop realized something was wrong and yelled down to Tentacool, who had climbed up to the ring.

    "Machop, chop!"

    "Tenta, tenta!" Tentacool responded, saying he did not know what to do. His eyes were visibly worried. He thought they had no chance now, and this made him sad. He had family in Hoenn, and though the humans had taken him away, he had always believed that they would take him back eventually.

    Machop angrily slammed the turret with his fist. Like Tentacool, he also had family that he had been forcibly removed from. He had tried to be brave, but he was thinking it was all over now.

    However, both Tentacool and Machop were about to get lucky. When Machop hit the turret, he had hit hard enough to damage some of the internal wires. The turret started spraying bullets, and immediately, some of the humans were shot down.

    "What the hell?" The other staff members recoiled in shock and fear. They quickly started shooting at Machop with their pistols, but their hands were too busy shaking with panic. Some bullets hit Machop, but he was strong enough to remain conscious. He continued to spin the turret, and quickly disposed of all the staff members.

    The crowd was now scrambling to escape. As soon as the turret had opened fire, the crowd started heading for the exits. However, there were still a lot of people trying to get away.

    Machop smiled at Tentacool, and dropped down from the turret. Things were not over yet, but they were looking up. Hopefully, they could successfully escape from this arena and find their way back to their respective homes.

    Pokemon: Machop and Tentacool
    Characters Required: 10,000-20,000
    Characters: 18471

    I GOT MONEY IN MY BANK ACCOUNT, FUCK A BANK ACCOUNT - SOULJA BOY

    [18:11] [Ranger Alliance]: (webdragoon1337) nitro, you in here?
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    [18:12] [Ranger Alliance]: (webdragoon1337) knew there was another cool guy in here

    [URPG Chat]
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  2. #2
    Stumped Turtwig A's Avatar Bulbapedia Junior Administrator
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    Default Re: What Goes Around Comes Around [PG-13 for violence and blood]

    I'm going to retract my claim on this due to having to be a bit too busy for grading soon. Sorry.

    (20:56:57) Luxis: All y'all are a bunch of Silly heads.
    RIP Giruja. Why must you have been fake?


    (17:58:01) daytwon: why am i watchin ot turtwig
    (17:58:03) ±Dratini: daytwon was muted by Heather Star for 30 minutes! [Reason: inappropriate] [Channel: Trivia]

    [15:26] Synthesis: he ain't godkilled
    [15:27] Ebail: Zam was Syn
    [15:27] Synthesis: it was an agreed sacrifice to the gods

  3. #3
    Prince of All Blazikens! Magikchicken's Avatar
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    Default Re: What Goes Around Comes Around [PG-13 for violence and blood]

    Characters, Backstory: There isn't much backstory to this, and I think it could have done with some. Where is this Stadium, and why is it the way it is? What happened in this world to bring it to such barbarity (regardless of whether the spectators realize it's barbaric or not?) There are a lot of questions I still have even after finishing our story: about the Stadium; about its owner; about its staff; about its patrons; and, more to the point, about the Pokémon. They're confirmed to have been captured and taken away from their families, but what exactly was life like outside the Stadium?
    You may think that none of this is relevant to the plot of the story itself, but Machop and Tentacool are fighting to return to something, and as the story went on, I found myself growing more and more curious as to what that 'something' is.
    Also, the characters themselves take a back seat to the action, with almost every new Pokémon character being eliminated shortly after introduction. The masses of spectators remain faceless, as do the staff, and we never hear much about the mysterious Mr. Kevin Sauls even after you tell us his name. I suppose the story was long enough already, but that particular detail and the lack of backstory surrounding it gives the impression that an interesting (if dystopian) world is somewhere out there, outside the Stadium, but you never followed through on it.


    Plot Content, Plot Flow: The plot is a gorefest, plain and simple. The lack of any true character (other than the faceless masses) with a life expectancy above 10 minutes constrains the plot, to a great extent. Machop and Tentacool are the only survivors, and they were introduced a fair bit after the beginning of the story. Again, the length of your story is sufficient for the catches you're trying for, but the fact that these are the only two surviving characters, along with the lack of anything other than gorefest happening in the story, leaves an 'unfinished' flavor in the brain cells of your readers. Rather than being left with the feeling of having read a story, or even an episode of a story with a cliffhanger ending, they're left with the distinct impression of having seen the end of the story dropped off of the proverbial cliff. The plot doesn't feel finished... but it also doesn't feel like there's anywhere to go from here, because you didn't build any kind of a backstory or world outside of the Stadium.


    Grammar, Sentence Flow: Your grammar was fine, mostly; a few mistakes, and a few stylistic things I would recommend changing, but nothing major or repetitive. You're a good enough writer that, rather than fixing any huge problem with your grammar, my job as a Grader is to fine-tune your narrative. So, behold the massive wall of nitpicks!
    Describing Gothorita:
    Quote Originally Posted by Nitro
    Her cute pink face looked as if it was on the verge of crying, which would've looked very upsetting to most people.
    Using 'looked' twice in the same sentence has a slightly jarring effect on some readers (perhaps most?) In situations like this, the sentence will flow much better if you replace one or the other instance of the word with a similar or equivalent phrase, for instance, 'Her cute pink face looked as if it were on the verge of crying, which would have been upsetting to most people.' I recommend reading through your story one last time before posting it; sometimes you'll catch things like this.
    Quote Originally Posted by Nitro
    The crowd burst into cheers as chunks of Medicham's body laid all over the ring.
    Either use 'lay' here instead of 'laid' (chunks is plural) or substitute 'landed' for a different meaning (the use of 'as' earlier in the sentence implies these are simultaneous occurrences, which means an ongoing event— the chunks landing— rather than a lack thereof.)
    Quote Originally Posted by Nitro
    Immediately, the gun spraying bullets at Gothorita.
    This is just a mental typo or forgotten-about edit, I think. Either insert 'began,' as in 'the gun began spraying bullets at Gothorita,' or change the voice and add to the noun, as in 'the gun sprayed a deadly torrent of bullets at Gothorita.'
    Quote Originally Posted by Nitro
    The stadium lights flickered on, lighting up the large stadium. The tattered Robert M. Sauls Center was once a glorious stadium, but it had turned into a worn-out and old building due to a lack of funding.
    Verb check: the story is written in the past tense, so the second sentence should probably be, 'The tattered Robert M. Sauls Center had once been a glorious stadium...'
    Also, perhaps avoid using the word 'stadium' twice in one sentence; substituting 'chamber' or some such word for the second instance would do nicely.
    Quote Originally Posted by Nitro
    Cautiously, Farfetch'd walked along one side of the ring. Machop joined Farfetch'd's lead, walked along the other side of the ring. Tentacool watched them walk towards him from both directions without his emotionless eyes.
    I'm not sure what you meant by that last sentence. Are they approaching from the sides of him that don't contain eyes? Or was that meant to be 'with his emotionless eyes?' In which case, I personally would change the order of the sentence to make Tentacool's 'emotionless eyes' a little more intimidating: "Tentacool's emotionless eyes watched the two Pokémon advance on him from different directions."
    However,
    Quote Originally Posted by Nitro
    "Tenta, tenta!" Tentacool responded, saying he did not know what to do. His eyes were visibly worried.
    In this situation, I'd actually suggest avoiding making the eyes the subject of the sentence; instead, perhaps, "Worry could be read clearly in his bulbous eyes," or "Worry was clearly visible in his bulbous eyes." The 'bulbous' adjective is, of course, optional, but since you used 'emotionless' earlier, you might want to consider changing the adjective the reader is subconsciously associating with Tentacool's eyes now that they contain an emotion.
    Overall, no huge problem with your grammar. Just work on the little things, and... proofread, if you don't already. If you did proofread this, then, uhh... just do your best to keep in mind that: a) the reader doesn't have as vivid a mental picture of the characters' surroundings as you do, so you need to paint that picture with words; and b) repeated words (especially verbs or adjectives) in a single sentence or two/three consecutive sentences should usually be replaced with synonyms or similar phrases (unless you were deliberately going for parallel structure.)


    Detail, Description: Your description of the location in which the story takes place was adequate (but might not have been in another story;) your descriptions of Pokémon and objects were a little less so. For instance, your description of Gothorita was at least fairly comprehensive:
    Quote Originally Posted by Nitro
    The black Pokemon was a humanoid, with black buns on either side of her head. Her cute pink face looked as if it was on the verge of crying, which would've looked very upsetting to most people.
    This even included some emotional blackmail appeal, which is good. However, in contrast, Medicham is described like so:
    Quote Originally Posted by Nitro
    The gray Pokemon looked around, shifting his bulbous purple legs so he could turn around and look at the crowd.
    This doesn't tell us anything but that he's gray (which parts of him are gray?) and that he has bulbous purple legs. Is he humanoid? Are there any special features to him, such as powerful muscles indicating his Fighting-type nature, or a watchful air that indicates he's still paying careful attention to Gothorita's movements even as he turns to look at the crowd? Try to describe Pokémon as if you're speaking to someone who knows what Pokémon are, but has never bothered to look at a picture of a Medicham or find out that it's a fully-evolved Fighting/Psychic type.
    Quote Originally Posted by Nitro
    Beside a green ringpost, a Tentacool rested. The blue Pokemon rested against the turnbuckle as he lazily moved his tentacles around. Two beautiful red orbs were growing on both sides of his head.
    The use of 'growing' here is a little confusing. Does that mean they're actually growing larger as the audience watches? Or are they not part of the Tentacool itself? (Tumour? Fungus?) Obviously, neither of these are the case, but they're implied when you say that the orbs are 'growing' there. An alternative way of saying this would be, "Two beautiful red orbs on the sides of his head glowed softly, reflecting the radiance of the spotlight."
    Quote Originally Posted by Nitro
    A large turret emerged from beneath the ring, and the machine gun immediately turned to Gothorita.
    What do the turret and machine gun look like? At least specify: what colour is it? Is it made mostly of metal? Or perhaps Unobtainium? Has it got a plastic shell to make it look sickeningly unthreatening? Is it big or small? How big, compared to the Pokémon in the boxing ring or in arbitrary feet/meters?

    Now, regarding the surroundings in which all of this takes place:
    Quote Originally Posted by Nitro
    In a dark and shady stadium, a spotlight flashed on each Pokemon as an announcer announced its name. Both Pokemon were standing in a boxing ring in the center of a stadium, and they were each looking around nervously. Despite the evident uncertainty these Pokemon radiated, the loud and boisterous crowd cheered on whoever they thought was going to win.
    This is actually good; since nothing outside the ring (and the spotlight) is actually relevant to the story yet, all you need is a general atmosphere of darkness all around, light on the action, and constant noise. Keep in mind, though, that in most other situations, this bare-bones description would not be sufficient.

    Describing actions is another key ingredient to be added to the mix.
    Quote Originally Posted by Nitro
    Medicham refocused himself, and leapt at Gothorita. His right hand startled crackling with electricity, and he swung the ThunderPunch at Gothorita. Gothorita flew into the steel ringpost, and Medicham continued his onslaught by jumping up and landing a Hi Jump Kick on Gothorita.
    I would add some description of exactly what it looks like to see Medicham 'refocusing himself;' does he close his eyes and tense his muscles, or is it more of a simple shaking of his head to clear it of the lingering effects of Gothorita's attack? Similarly, when he lands the Hi Jump Kick, how high does he jump, and what does it look/sound like? (Is his leg stretched straight out as in a flying kick, or is it more of a spinning kick? Is there a nasty crunching/cracking noise as he injures Gothorita, or is she just bruised?) These things make the difference between a reader being immersed in the story and soaking up everything that happens, and a reader breaking focus trying to figure out whether Gothorita is actually hurt or not. Sure, she tumbles to the ground, but we don't realize she's actually immobilized by the power of the Hi Jump Kick until halfway through the next paragraph when Medicham is 'certain' of his victory.


    Dialogue: There's a little of this; Tentacool and Machop's communication embodies some, while the announcers are another. Some tacit 'temporary alliances' in the Fatal Four-Way Match could be construed as dialogue. All that aside, dialogue isn't necessary in a gorefest. So, I'm not particularly miffed at the lack thereof.


    Battles: The battles were fairly well done, with the exception of one important factor: we're rarely given a very clear description of the actual effect of attacks on their targets.
    Quote Originally Posted by Nitro
    Some bullets hit Machop, but he was strong enough to remain conscious.
    This is also related to my earlier comment about making clear the impact of Medicham's Hi Jump Kick on Gothorita: in this case, some more detail is in order regarding the actual impact of the bullets. Okay, the bullets 'hit' Matchop, but where did they hit him? Did they make little holes, or did they shred the flesh? He's conscious, but is his movement impaired? Does this damage look like it's going to be fatal, or can he keep shrugging it off even after the adrenaline runs out? (It turns out he can, but the reader had to wait a couple paragraphs to find that out.)
    To evoke a strong sense of danger, your readers have to see, in our minds' eyes, the toll these attacks are taking on the characters they hit. That's what makes the readers groan as the poor innocent exploited Pokémon are torn apart or riddled with bullets, or cheer as the evil nasty Stadium staff are gunned down.
    Quote Originally Posted by Nitro
    The turret started spraying bullets, and immediately, some of the humans were shot down.
    Like this! \o/

    Character Count: 18,321

    Overall: The plot and backstory were certainly not the focus of this story, though I feel they could have at least been slightly more emphasized than they were. As it was, the focus here was emotional appeal (with some use of sympathetic, if short-lived, characters to achieve this) and death. Lots of death.
    The problem with that, however, is that you didn't even do the battles and carnage right. If you're going to base a story around gore and death, with Pokémon getting ripped apart or shot full of lead, you need to either be creepily euphemistic and never actually 'show' the deaths, or be terrifyingly explicit. There is, I suppose, a middle ground, but I felt that even climactic events like Machop getting shot near the end fell a little flat because the reader is never explicitly told what impact the shots have on his well-being; by the time it sinks in that one of our beloved protagonists has been shot, the action has moved on and we're left with, "Oh, well, it looks like he's okay because he's still gunning down the bad guys."
    That said, this is hardly a bad story, just below the standard that you're clearly capable of. For a Medium catch, I might have to think about it. These are two Simple catches, though, and the story is both long enough and high enough in quality to afford you a pass.

    Result:
    Machop and Tentacool: Caught.
    My Stats Page

    The Light Story
    The Shadowed Story

    The Dark Story

    A Glimpse of the Future


    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his FFA winnings??"
    "They're OVER 9000!!!"

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