Whack a... Poliwag?

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  1. #1
    Stumped Turtwig A's Avatar Bulbapedia Junior Administrator
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    Default Whack a... Poliwag?

    It's been long since I've posted a horrible simple story, so I have made this one.


    It was Arnold's tenth birthday. Today was the day he could finally go to the new arcade in town, where all the cool kids hung out. Today something completely unexpected would also happen to the child, something he could have only dreamed of earlier.

    You see, Arnold was a pretty eccentric boy. He had curly orange hair and wore glasses, and one could never tell what was up with his clothing. If anything, it was best to make the claim that he wasn't wearing any.

    Anyway, the little boy was excited as soon as he arrived in the arcade, and one thing stood out from all the others: a whack-a-Diglett machine. Whack-a-Diglett was Arnold's favorite game, stemming from his hatred of the little creatures after what should be called a childhood accident.

    He stuck the token into the appropriate slot and began playing. A couple seconds into the game however, something odd appeared. It was a blue, sort of squishy tadpole-like thing, with a swirl in its stomach. Arnold was pretty sure it was real, after all, he'd seen nothing like this in any other whack-a-Diglett game.

    He went to the arcade manager and asked if there was supposed to be a blue tadpole like creature in the whack-a-Diglett machine.

    "That is what you called a Poliwag," he explained, his voice muffled by the sandwich he was eating, "and it is not part of the game. As for how it got there, I'm afraid I'm clueless. However, you're ten right?"

    The question struck Arnold hard. Why would his age matter? Was the arcade manager actually a child rapist, who would be going after him? Nevertheless, Arnold was already with no place to go, might as well tell the truth.

    "Y-yes I am," he said, stuttering a bit from fear, "w-why?"

    The manager finished the last bite of his sandwich, and answered "you see, the Poliwag over there is most likely wild, since it probably would have been searched for if otherwise. And since you're ten, the minimal age for this, you are able to capture it and ask your parents if you can journey with it and explore the world. I did something similar when I was ten, and I had the time of my life, I'm sure you would too."

    It seemed tempting, being able to go across the world with a little blue companion who probably could destroy Diglett, very hard not to resist. On the other hand though, he'd have to say goodbye to everyone he knew, and go to unknown places with unknown dangers. Heck, he didn't even have anything to capture Poliwag with.

    The manager immediately noticed this, and tossed him a tiny red and white capsule. This is what they called a Poké Ball, where Pokémon would be tamed. "With that, you should be set with capturing Poliwag. Even if your parents do not let you journey with it, you'll be able to release it by pressing both the switch on the top and the back, or probably keep it as a household pet. Good luck and have fun."

    With that out of the way, Arnold nervously looked for the Poliwag, the choice echoing in his head. He had to know what he'd do, and the consequences each decision held, no matter how small they were. This would be the changing moment of his life, and he'd most likely regret it if he chose the wrong decision after all.

    It would probably be cool to travel. After all, the manager did say he had the time of his life. Then again, if he had the time of his life, why was he here now instead of traveling still? It made no sense, but then again, he probably just wanted to settle down and create an arcade, and right now, Arnold had to make the decision and be sure of it every step of the way.

    He finally reached the whack-a-Diglett machine for the second time in this day, put out his second token today, and immediately started playing. With each passing second, Arnold's decision would become clearer and clearer until all was revealed.

    Finally, around the last ten seconds, it appeared. Something seemed different this time however, as Poliwag looked a bit more ready for combat. Could it have sensed Arnold's plan? Could it be defending something?

    The young boy immediately reacted. He grabbed the Poliwag and threw it into an area which neither held people nor was in clear sight from anything else. He had to weaken the thing, but he had no way of hurting it. If anything, he had to use that very second to his advantage and capture it. If not, his whole plan would be ruined.

    "Alright Poliwag, now is the time to fight! I will try my best with my... uh... limited skills to combat whatever you have."

    As if it only understood the part where Arnold wanted to know what it was capable of, the Poliwag immediately sprayed water at the child, knocking the Poké Ball out of his hand and into an area just a short distance away. Now he also had to fight his way to that area, not only weaken it. Could things get any worse?

    As it turned out, they only got better from then on. Arnold just had to be careful to avoid the water Poliwag shot out, and then throw Poliwag closer and closer to the capsule. He now saw how he wanted to end this, and picked up the tadpole for one last time, and threw it directly at the Poké Ball. The ball shook once, twice, a third time, until what had happened was clear to all.

    (20:56:57) Luxis: All y'all are a bunch of Silly heads.
    RIP Giruja. Why must you have been fake?


    (17:58:01) daytwon: why am i watchin ot turtwig
    (17:58:03) ±Dratini: daytwon was muted by Heather Star for 30 minutes! [Reason: inappropriate] [Channel: Trivia]

    [15:26] Synthesis: he ain't godkilled
    [15:27] Ebail: Zam was Syn
    [15:27] Synthesis: it was an agreed sacrifice to the gods

  2. #2
    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
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    Default Re: Whack a... Poliwag?

    Introduction: Short story means short and to the point introduction. You have nothing elaborate as it’s plain not needed. What you did is perfectly fine for a story of this caliber, which is low. You had the opening of ‘what’ the story is to take shape around and ‘who’ the character is, in this case Arnold.

    In terms of the arnold description you did a very basic run with you just telling the reader of his orange hair and glasses. Even for a simple Pokemon this is unacceptable. You did mention his eccentric clothing choices but you need to tell the reader what he is wearing. That also means you should give the reader some rough dimensions of how the character fills out his body, whether he be tall or short etc. Frankly, as a grader you should know better, even if you claim this is a terrible story.

    Plot: I’ll give you points for not having the cliched story and for actually making the story not too boring. The boy going into the Arcade and finding the Pokemon isn’t too bad but you have a glaring weakness. Why would a Water Pokemon remain in a game and not get captured or leave? Heck, even the manager should have removed it. I don’t mind how that you put the Pokemon in the game, but frankly by adding the conversation with the manager you create that gaping hole. It would have been better if you had just figured out some other way to get length.

    Finally, the part how you captured the Pokemon was bad. How is he going to pick the Pokemon up and keep throwing it across the room? Surely the Pokemon could actually move or something. Not to mention, I think it would be a little hard for a ten year old to pick up the Poliwag without it slapping the kid with its tail.

    Grammar: A couple mistakes, nothing world ending.

    The manager finished the last bite of his sandwich, and answered{,} "{y}ou see, the Poliwag over there is most likely wild, since it probably would have been searched for if otherwise. And since you're ten, the minimal age for this, you are able to capture it and ask your parents if you can journey with it and explore the world. I did something similar when I was ten, and I had the time of my life, I'm sure you would too."
    ~ A couple of mistake in this paragraph as you need a comma because you are acting upon the dialogue and because you still need to capitalize the word.

    Now he also had to fight his way to that area, not only weaken it.
    ~ Another bad part as the second part of the sentence makes no sense.

    Detail: I already mentioned the part about Arnold so I will not go into that part. What I would have like to seen was you describe how the arcade looked or even what the game looked like. It was basically a big blank spot in the story, and that is a little annoying. Other than that you described the Poliwag, but not the manager. Remember you’re supposed to describe every person in the story our character interacts with. The manager plays a key role in the story so you should have gave him some description.

    Length: Poliwag.

    Conclusion: That is the of all my comments sadly. As much as I would love to fail all short stories I cannot. So, Poliwag Captured. Enjoy the little game-wannabe.

    @Dynavolt
    Last edited by AmericanTreeFrog; 24th November 2011 at 08:22 PM.
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis



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