We're Lost! (needs grading)

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  1. #1
    Bitch be trippin' balls! PokeViper's Avatar
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    Jul 2009
    Misawa AFB Japan

    Default We're Lost! (needs grading)

    It was mid afternoon and the lush green forest of Ilex was just as beautiful as ever. Wind swept over the canopies creating sounds similar to heavy rain. The paths through the forest acted as passages for not only human and Pokémon travelers, but nature itself, wind couldn’t go through the trees so it swept through the trails, road, and paths, rain flowed onto the roads and flowed down them like artificial rivers. The forest itself was home to many Pokémon. They loved this forest and many could be found right on the paths. The Pokémon that made this forest their home knew everything about it, every moss covered rock, and knotted root. Not too many humans ventured deep into the forest aware at the possibility of getting lost. It was quiet in here, and it seemed nothing was out of place. If one were to venture deep into the woods, they would notice the many trees, rocks, Pokémon, grass, and flowers that one would expect. The last thing they would expect would be a young man, flat on his stomach, face in the grass, his arms splayed out, and his legs together. He could have been mistaken as knocked out, or dead, but neither of those was the case.

    The young man moaned into the healthy ground and spoke.

    “Why, why did you think it was such a great idea to come in here…?” The man’s voice was muffled in the ground, but he didn’t care, for no one was around to listen except himself. “Oh! You wanted to find some strong Pokémon! That makes sense! Stupid! Damn! Angel!” The man known as Angel continued to argue with himself, he had indeed captured some unique and strong Pokémon, but after failing to retrace his steps for two hours he finally concluded that he was indeed-

    “LOST!” He shot up from his sad position and screamed into the canopies above. It was a feeble attempt to be heard; the sounds of wind above the trees killed any attempts. This same rant had been repeated a few times over the course of a half an hour, meaning he had been in this forest for about 4 hours. He was now sick of all this green. With him he had three Pokémon, and none of them could help. Perhaps his brain had been stuck or broken at the time, because it never occurred to him to bring one of his flying Pokémon or even his Alakazam which happened to know teleport. He figured a forest would have a lot of bug Pokémon and Alakazam would be at a disadvantage. He had also decided to bring only three Pokémon because he wanted to have some time with them.

    With him he had his very first Pokémon, his Froslass. She was an amazingly beautiful Pokémon and had been his friend for a very long time. His other two Pokémon were his Houndoom and Teddiursa, both of which were in training still. It seemed like they could benefit from this trip. Now here he was beating his head against a tree. He now found it reluctant to let his Pokémon out to help him. They were very close friends and like any other friends, they would love to make fun of him for this. They knew of the situation now though and he knew he was going to get poked fun at eventually.

    “Okay! I’m done whining! Let’s go!” Angel jumped to his feat again and looked around, examining his surroundings. In one direction he saw trees as far as he could see; he made a mental note to not go that way. He then looked in another direction and saw more trees as far as he could see. He moaned loudly, and decided on a different approach. He closed his eyes, hoping that something miraculous would happen to point him in the right direction. In his head he imagined a huge flashing neon sign popping into existence when he opened his eyes again. When he did he wasn’t surprised to see that no sign had materialized, it still aggravated him. “BAH!” He yelled and then punched the nearest tree to relieve his annoyance. He honestly didn’t think this would do anything, but to his luck he heard something above. When he looked up he saw a yellow object falling towards him. He sidestepped the falling object and it landed next to his feet. It was a Pokémon and it was knocked out. It looked like a huge yellow alien cocoon. Angel’s face dropped when he realized it was a Kakuna.

    “Well shit…” He looked up and sure enough, about six Beedrill were flying toward him. He took off, trying to get as far from the tree as possible. He didn’t want to have to deal with the whole nest. He ducked low tree branches and hurdled bushes and roots. Some of the odd rocks caused him to stumble giving him a rare glance back. He had lost one of them, possibly to help the Kakuna, but the other five didn’t seem to be backing off at all. After agreeing with himself that he had gone an efficient distance from the tree, he pulled a pokeball from one of his pockets. He activated it and it grew in his hands. He pressed the button a second time and a white light shot from his hand and materialized in front of him, taking the form of his Froslass. He would have been better off using his Houndoom, but he didn’t want to start a fire trying to shoot down five speedy Beedrills. Angel thought ice would be a better option

    “Mitsuka, use your Ice beam on those Beedrill! Use as wide a spread as possible!” The Snow Land Pokémon nodded in conformation and held its hands out in front of itself. An orb began to form until it took the color of a healthy blue glacier. This signaled that the attack was ready and with that, it was shot. Instead of it being the narrow precision beam it usually is, the Froslass had manipulated it to expand the further from her it got. The Beedrill scattered, but three of them weren’t so lucky. Two were engulfed by the beam and the third one had its wing hit, incasing its wing in ice and successfully taking it out of the fight. The attack hit trees and bushes and when it ended chucks of ice clung to trees and rocks. The last two Beedrill had gone behind trees to avoid the blast.

    “Mitsuka, there are two more, you keep an eye on the left one and I’ll keep an eye on the right one. If you get an opening, you take it. If I see an opening on this one, I’ll let you know.” The Froslass didn’t even nod this time but her trainer knew that she had understood. Her eyes never left her Beedrill and Angel watched the other. The one that the Froslass was watching made a move. It flew between the trees towards Angel looking to impale him with one of its sharp jousting type arms. Froslass tried to move to get a better angle and perhaps hit it with her ice beam. She couldn’t get one and she called out to her trainer in her native tongue. Angel looked and saw what was coming; he jumped backwards out of the way and landed on his back. He looked back where he was, and saw that a nearby tree had a part of it turned to splinters and it rained down on him. Suddenly he realized he had lost track of the other Beedrill, his senses went into fifth gear as he looked for it and suddenly saw it flying between the trees headed towards Froslass which had her back to it.

    “Behind!”Angel shouted.

    Angel’s Froslass has been with him for many years, which meant many years of battling experience. That one word was all she needed to know that the Beedrill was behind her, and it was very close. The Froslass became a blur, for a second the Froslass was so fast that she created an after image. It was a double team attack and the Beedrill seemed to go right through the Froslass, impaling itself in a tree.

    “Shadow Ball now!” Angel yelled from the ground where he was.

    Froslass complied and shot two goopy purple balls in rapid succession into the stuck Beedrill. The Beedrill wasn’t knocked out, but now it was too weak to get free from the tree, it was out of this fight. The final Beedrill was flying down on the Froslass. She didn’t notice it and Angel was too late to notice it. Froslass was clobbered by the flying Beedrill at full force. She was sent into a boulder where she collapsed into a heap on the ground.

    Fury began to boil in Angel. “Mitsuka!” He cried out. He pulled out a second pokeball; this one holding his Houndoom, the possibility of setting the forest on fire was gone and replaced with the sight of his first Pokémon. Angel was about to burn the Beedrill to a crisp when out of nowhere what looked like a giant ball of white fur flew straight into the Beedrill with the force of a bus. The ball of fur grabbed onto a branch and flipped around it, landing on top of it. The new Pokémon screamed in victory. Angel’s fury halted but did not subside due to what he had just seen. The Pokémon looked at Angel and he knew right away from the pig snout, tiny arms and legs, that this was a Primape. The Beedrill continued backwards due to its current enemy; inertia. it tried to regain control but to no effect. It finally smashed into a tree branch, breaking it in half. Both the Beedrill and the branch collapsed to the ground not moving.

    As soon as Angel saw the Primeape look at him, he got up and hurried to his Froslass, hoping to god that she had not been gutted. He sat down and gently picked her up onto his lap. She had avoided the majority of the deadly arms but she still had a gash in her side. She was knocked out, bleeding, and he was still lost. His anger swapped for panic. He looked behind him towards the Primeape.

    “Help! I need help! Help me…” He begged to the Primeape who just looked at him. The Primape then turned around and called out and a few seconds later. A big ugly yellow Pokémon came swinging and hopping towards them, something furry on top of it. Angel thought it was its head. He had never seen a Pokémon like that. When it got closer he saw the green spots, the single vine, and that its eyes were attached to its own body. He still wasn’t sure what the furry thing sitting on top was. The creature was hopping on its body and swinging with its one vine. Finally Angel understood; it was a Victreebell and the furry thing on top of it was a Venonat. The Victreebell came to a stop next to Angel and his Froslass, the Venonat jumped off to get closer look.

    “Help.” He asked again, almost in tears. The Victreebell looked at Angel and his Pokémon and did the closest thing to a nod it was capable of. It leaned forwards and began to glow. It reached out with its vine and touched the Froslass. The glow travelled down the vine and when it reached Froslass it began to make her glow as well, it spread through her whole body. Angel recognized it as a Synthesis attack, but he didn’t know it could work like this. There are still a lot of secrets to Pokémon after all.

    The glow faded and he looked down at the wound. The bleeding had stopped but the damage still needed to be worked on, she was also still unconscious. She needed to be brought to a Pokémon center to fix up the rest, chances are she would have a scar there, but he didn’t care, she was going to be alright.

    He looked up at the Pokémon, the Primeape had joined them. “Thank you, thank you so much for this,” he said with tears in his eyes and looked back down at his friend.

    Angel looked back at them once more and laughed. “Would you be willing to help me out of this forest? I got lost…” he said and sudden exhaustion coming over him. Angel was now conscious of the cuts, scrapes, and bruises that raked his body when he ran through the dense forest and jumped out of the way of the oncoming Beedrill.

    The three Pokémon voiced their agreement in their happy language. The Venonat jumped ahead and the other members of the party watched it. The Venonat’s eyes glowed and it looked around through the trees for a few seconds. Finally its eyes dimmed and it jumped up and down shouting in excitement.

    Understanding, Angel stood up; he refused to let Mitsuka out of his arms. He didn’t even want to put her back in her pokeball. He could feel her breaths and heart beat and it was the most wonderful thing he had ever felt. He followed the Venonat through the trees, not knowing where he was going, and walking through the pain in his body. His arms were screaming out for carrying the 50 pound Pokémon for so long, but he didn’t care. He was happy she was okay. Suddenly he thought back to the battle. He thought about how enraged he was, to the point where he was sworn to killing the Beedrill and possibly burning down some of the forest. The aspect of actually killing a Pokémon made him sick and he looked to see the other Pokémon around him. How would they feel if they knew that, or if he actually did it? The Victreebell hopped along next to him, the Primeape swung from tree to tree keeping close, and the Venonat walked up ahead jumping up and down every now and again, all unconscious to what he was thinking. Perhaps it was a normal reaction to the fear of losing someone you cared for so much, but it didn’t matter now, his feelings didn’t win and things were back to normal.

    Finally, Angel saw the road through the forest. He knew that Azalea town was right next to the forest and he knew everything was going to be okay. He took a deep breath, calming his nerves, as he stepped onto the road. He turned and saw his three new friends cheering for him. He wished he could see them again, but alas, it was probably not meant to be. He smiled at them all and nodded in thanks, not being able to wave back.

    “Perhaps we will see each other again one day, thank you all.” And with that, Angel walked towards the Azalea town gate.
    Smiles likes this.

    Thanks EternusSitus
    click for my URPG

  2. #2
    Stay Classy The Jr. Trainer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Chicago, Illinois

    Default Re: We're Lost! (needs grading)

    He asked nicely. Claimed.

  3. #3
    Stay Classy The Jr. Trainer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Chicago, Illinois

    Default Re: We're Lost! (needs grading)

    Hiiiiiiii. Solid story. Lame grade incoming...

    The Meat

    Simple and simple. But there is certainly nothing wrong with a simple little story for a simple little Venonat. Reminds me a little bit of the episode in the anime where Ash woke up all the Beedrill, if that even happened. Anyway. As I said, this is fine for a Pokemon such a Venonat in the medium category, but when you begin writing for more tough Pokemon (and you do have the potential to) make sure to get them creative juices flowing through your brain and make a super interesting plot. Although it is not completely needed, a creative plot is nice.

    I was also happy with how your character actually felt emotions; a lot of people forget that someone is going to read this and aren't going to have any idea how the writer was trying to envision the character. But you did a good job in that. I was feeling like he was a little bit of an angsty teenage boy turned sappy Venonat lover. I HOPE THAT WAS WHAT YOU WERE SHOOTING FOR...

    I approve of your first story though.

    The Grimer

    You are good at grammar, Jr thinks. I only saw one thing that bothered me and I'm going to point it out because I CAN.

    Not too many humans ventured deep into the forest aware at the possibility of getting lost.
    Maybe. MAYBE it is just me. But the "at the possibility" seems awkward or possibly even incorrect. Maybe its a typo, maybe not. Either it would sound SUPERIOR if it was "of" instead of "at".

    That is all.



    Hi. This was also fantastic. From the beginning to the end you did not ever seem to sleep up on the description, which seemed to give you the most meat in your story. :p Nothing wrong with that though. Even though you used relatively simple words to describe your story, it was easy to understand and I could picture just about every scene easily. Which is what you should be aiming for as a writer, to make the reader know EXACTLY what you are trying to display to them with your words.

    But, don't be afraid to get a bit more complex with your detail. Don't be scared to throw in some METAPHORS, SIMILIES and THAT KIND OF COOL STUFF.


    Your battle, big bad battle. Was also excellently done. Got the move descriptions down. Got the variety down. You even did something unique with Synthesis; making it able to heal a partnered Pokemon instead of just the Pokemon that is using the move. I approve. Those little things can make a story more interesting and really catch the eye of a reader.


    Yes. I know. You are probably like, "Wow over already?" Yes, over already. Your story was very well done for a Venonat story. If you do want more feedback I can give it to you, just message me. But you seem to know what you are doing for the most part already. So I'll go ahead and give you Venonat.

    Venonat captured!


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