The Waterfall
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Thread: The Waterfall

  1. #1

    Default The Waterfall

    Um. This is my first story, so I'm sorry if I did something wrong.

    Pokemon: Magikarp
    Rank: Easiest
    Characters: 3249

    The little girl walked along the bank of the river lightly, afraid her shoes would sink into the mud. She didn’t want her mother to yell at her for getting her feet dirty. In fact, she probably shouldn’t have even been so close to the water, but she’d heard a secret about a place farther downstream. The old man that lived next door to her told her a story that down the river, behind a waterfall, was a cave with a pool in it, and there lived many types of water Pokemon. The only thing in the whole world the little girl wanted was to have a Pokemon of her own, but her family had no money to buy one. Early that morning, she had slipped out of bed, filled a backpack with snacks, a bottle of water, and a fishing net, and set out down the river to find a Pokemon.

    As the sun rose higher in the sky, the little girl became worried. She was only twelve years old, and wanted to be home before dark. She knew there were larger Pokemon in the forest that could hurt her, along with wild animals, and rumor had it, forest spirits that liked to kidnap children. She couldn’t help but wonder if her mother was looking for her. If she got lost out here, out in the woods… would someone come looking for her? Despite the heat of the day, she shivered a little. Her brown eyes scanned the forest alongside of her for any movement, but to her relief, she didn’t see anything.

    Eventually, she noticed that it was getting cooler, and looked up to see a thick canopy stretching over her. In this part of the forest, the trees were so old they grew across the river and made a tunnel. She must be getting close. Now that she could no longer see the sun to tell what time it was, she began to hurry along, not caring that her white sneakers and the legs of her pants were getting splattered with mud. She slipped a few times, catching herself in the reeds, but still she tried her hardest to move quickly.

    Finally, she heard the roar of a waterfall ahead of her. She turned around a bend in the river and there it was in front of her, the water cascading down into a small pool surrounded by rocks. Behind it, she could see the faint outline where the cliff stopped and there was a gap. That must be the cave. Now moving slowly and carefully, she walked into the river until she was knee deep, and then walked beneath the waterfall.

    “Blah,” she complained as the water soaked her through. Now she was shivering with cold, as she was completely drenched, her light blue t-shirt clinging to her slight frame. However, she didn’t feel like complaining for long.

    Inside the cave, Poliwag played in the water and she saw many fish Pokemon jumping. She stepped forward, and many of the Pokemon fled to the back of the cave, but one stuck its head up out of the water and looked at her. It was a small, orange fish-like Pokemon, with golden whiskers growing from its mouth.

    “Magikarp?” it asked, questioningly.

    “Oh!” she said in surprise, before fishing a Pokeball out of the pocket of her backpack. “You don’t seem afraid of me…”

    It still stared up at her, almost expectantly.

    “Would you like to be my Pokemon?” she asked.

    The fish Pokemon nodded, and so she threw the red and white Pokeball, and it hit the fish Pokemon over the head. It rocked back and forth a few times…

  2. #2
    the vibration pokemon Nitro's Avatar
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    Jul 2010
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    Default Re: The Waterfall

    Introduction-Story-Plot: The story started off with an interesting yet calm tone. I thought it was great, especially for a story as peaceful as this. You described all of the key things really well: the protagonist, the setting, and the situation. The only thing you didn't mention was the character's name. Obviously, we can't call her 'the little girl' for the entire story, so you should give her some sort of a name. After all, she is your main character.

    You also incorporated some first-person perspective thoughts right off the bat. That really helps add a new dimension to your character and make them much more real to a reader. The thought itself was irrelevant to the storyline, and did not do much to build it up. However, that's hardly a bad thing in this case. Sometimes, it can be distracting to have a random and unrelated thought that does not progress the reader's understanding of the plot in any way - you have to know when to pick your spots. In this situation, though, it was perfect because you put the thought in the very beginning, allowing the reader to draw connections between themselves and the little girl (who, at that point, they will have no opinion whatsoever of).

    All I can say about your introduction was that, as a paragraph, it may have been a bit too long. Staring at a block of text immediately can be a bit of a turn-off to readers, and what you may want to do is either split up the paragraph into smaller paragraphs, or write up a quick one-or-two sentence hook.

    For example:

    There's many ways you could go with that, however. My examples were rushed, and I didn't change the words or anything. Obviously, you are free to take your time to produce something you like at your own leisure.

    As for the rest of the story, it had a very friendly and peaceful tone - short and sweet. Having a little girl as the protagonist was perfect, from the age to the gender.

    The only problem I have was related to the climax of the story, but I'll elaborate more on that in the Climax section of the Grade. For now, I'll say a job well done. However, longer stories that you may write in the future of your URPG experience may be more difficult to come up with a storyline for. Simple stories like this will not get the job done.

    Grammar-Spelling: Only one mistake I caught.

    The old man that lived next door to her told her a story that down the river, behind a waterfall, was a cave with a pool in it, and there lived many types of water Pokemon.
    At the end there, you put 'water Pokemon'. In most cases, you wouldn't need to capitalize 'water'. However, since it is the name of a Pokemon type (making it a proper noun, or the name of something which is essentially what a proper noun is), you need to capitalize it in this instance. This is true for all 17 types.

    Otherwise, great job.

    Detail-Description: This was very well done. Visually, I could imagine everything. The scenes were described perfectly, and in a way that matched the calm tone of your story.

    It wasn't just visual, either. You had some of the other senses incorporated as well: hearing (the roar of the waterfall) and touch (the cold temperature of the water). Usually, something I see from beginning writers is that they forget the other senses and only describe what they imagine visually. I love that you remembered the other senses as well - I can only ask you to keep it up and perhaps try to expand your usage of descriptions involving those senses as well as the two you didn't use (smell and taste, though admittedly the latter is very situational).

    Length: You're in the clear. With that said, some Graders consider being only a few hundred characters above the listed minimum to be minimally acceptable. For me, I don't really care. I figured I should just let you know, however. You may want some extra leverage just in case.

    Climax: Your climax was the weakest part of your story, in my opinion. Your story built up to the little girl catching a Magikarp, and while that is definitely a feel-good ending, your climax as a whole was boring for a few reasons.

    First of all, your climax lacked action. It was just the little girl catching a Magikarp. As the final event (and the most important one) in your story, you need to make sure something exciting and eventful takes place. That is true for all kinds of stories and movies, regardless of subject topic or genre.

    Next, your climax lacked emotion. The little girl was about to catch her first Pokemon! You need to get the magnitude of that experience across to the reader. Mainly, how did she feel? Was she excited, or nervous? It really makes the story meaningful to the reader.

    Finally, it was too short. Your climax is what you've been building towards all along - it needs to be long enough to justify the bulk of your story.

    For now, I'll leave you with those things to worry about. I'm sure that if you concentrate on working on them, your story will show huge improvement. The climax is easily the most important part of your story. It's what you've been building towards straight from the beginning - you need to make sure you get it right.

    Outcome: For your first story, I feel you did very well. You definitely were not perfect, but not only do I see a lot of potential in you as a writer, but I see that you are very polished as well. Your grammar is stellar and your descriptions were also well done - you just need to work on ironing out a few wrinkles in some areas of your writing. Perhaps most importantly, you need to work on creating more exciting storylines as well as beefing up your climaxes.

    Well, I have no qualms saying this. Magikarp Captured!!! Enjoy!

    [18:11] [Ranger Alliance]: (webdragoon1337) nitro, you in here?
    [18:11] Nitro: hello
    [18:12] [Ranger Alliance]: (webdragoon1337) knew there was another cool guy in here

    [URPG Chat]
    3:44:43 (silverxchrome) Nitro is attractive. Source: I'm a girl.


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