The Watcher [Write-a-Roll]

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  1. #1
    Registered User Jake434's Avatar
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    Default The Watcher [Write-a-Roll]

    This was a lot of fun to write and I can't wait for more. It actually made me want to write, too.

    Prompts:
    Genre: Juvenile Fantasy
    Setting: Region: Oblivia
    Character: Pokemon and Humans, Hybrid

    Pokémon:
    Zubat (simpled 5-10k) + Hoothoot(simple 5-10k)
    Target Length= 10,000-20,000
    Total Length=14,693 characters

    Just to explain things: First, I'm feeling like this may not entirely fall under the 'Juvenile Fantasy' category, but I feel that 'Juvenile' and 'Teen' is the same for most book stores and authors when categorizing. Second, the region is mentioned, but I kinda already had this all planned out and then I remembered that I needed a town, so there is none mentioned. Thirdly, the characters are hybridized and not all of them have descriptions. Fourthly, in this world, you are either a human, a Pokémon, or a hybird. The humans want the hybrids gone, that's why they live in an old warehouse. They also change only at night, like werewolves.

    Read only if you truly want to, it's not too important.


    I hope this covers everything. Anything I forget will be put in anther post.

    ~~~~~~~~~~


    Huff. Huff.
    I had to keep going, but I was tiring out so quickly. Was this game ever going to end? I turned around a corner and—
    “Got you!” a high-pitched, squeaky voice yelled as I felt a slap on my back. I stopped running and tried to catch my breath before turning around. I saw a young girl, about two years younger than me with brown hair. She was wearing a pink shirt, a white skirt with red dots, and white shoes.
    “How did you catch me so fast?” I asked. “I thought I left you back there by two blocks.”
    The girl giggled, “I went up and over.”
    I was very confused by what she said, but she pointed to the roof of the building we were next to and I saw a fire escape. “All I did was climb over the roofs of the other buildings and I found you.”
    I felt stupid for not being more careful. “You clever little girl, come on. We should probably go home.” She nodded in agreement and followed me home. “Sarah, even though we had fun, you shouldn’t be on the roof.”
    “Why, Chase? I wasn’t doing anything up there.” She looked at me with her large hazel eyes and all I saw was pure curiosity.
    “Because, that’s how some people disappear. They go up, and they never come down.”
    “But, I thought that only happened at night when it is super dark.”
    “It happens mostly then, but sometimes it happens during the day too.” I saw that she was starting to get scared and that she kept looking up. “You don’t have to worry about it anymore, though. You’re safe down here, just don’t go up there anymore.”
    “Okay!” She happily said. “Oh, and Chase,” I grunted in response to show I was listening, “happy birthday!” She pulled out a candy bar from behind her back and handed it to me.
    “Thanks Sarah, but you do know I turned thirteen two weeks ago, right?”
    “Huh-uh. I was just finally able to get you a present.”
    “You didn’t have to get me anything, but since you did I want to share it with you.” I broke the chocolate bar in half and gave her one piece. She took it and nibbled on it as I ate mine.
    We soon reached home, or what we called home, and entered through an alleyway door. Inside it was dark, but our eyes quickly adjusted. I walked up a set of metal stairs and Sarah went up a different set. I entered a room created by curtains and found that Samuel was still asleep.
    “Hey, Sammy, time to get up.” I knelt down and shook the little black-haired boy’s body to wake him.
    He shot up and looked around, “Did you… bring food?” He started to fall back asleep, but I shook him again.
    “Yes we have food, we always do. You know, most nine-year olds get their own food from the kitchen and none of them are this tired.”
    “No, they never get their own food, silly.” Samuel fell back down again.
    “Come on, sleepy head,” I yelled one last time before walking back down the stairs. I saw that Sarah had already taken some and that Kevin still hadn’t shown up. A couple other kids were floating in and out of the room. Actually, one was legitally floating. One of the perks, I suppose. I turned when I heard Sam coming down in his blue pajamas.
    “Happy, I’m down here,” he said grumpily.
    “Yes, now I am happy,” I said half-sarcastically. “Just eat, then you can go play with the others.”
    “Okay,” Samuel yawned again, but he did start eating a handful of cereal.
    I left him to go check on everyone else. I found them all, except for Samuel and Sarah, at the commons area. Even though the warehouse that we lived in was very much open, we liked having rooms and closed spaces which we made with old machines, curtains, old furniture, really anything.
    Everyone was chatting as I entered, but once I reached the makeshift fireplace, the room got silent. I took a quick head count and factored in Sarah, Samuel, Kevin and me. There were thirteen of us, three more than two days ago. Kevin must be searching really hard. Or they're just becoming more common.
    I cleared my throat so I could speak clearly. “Welcome everyone, especially the new ones. I know some of you are itching to get back to your normal form, but remember to not leave and don’t stand in a window. To the new ones, don’t be freaked out by some behaviors, they are just the other half of us.” I saw Samuel and Sarah walk in with a dark figure behind them.
    “Begin!” the figure yelled. Everyone turned and saw a tall, black-haired teen with a pointed tail and horns. His ribs had a steel cover over them and his wrists and ankles had steel cuffs. The new people hid in a corner, but Sarah rushed over to them to straighten things out. I heard things like ‘It’s okay…’ ‘the guy that found you…’ and somehow she was able to get them out into the crowd again.
    Almost forgetting that we could be ourselves again, I started my transformation. My arms grew brown feathers as I kicked off my black shoes and my feet grew talons. I felt a strange sensation in my eyes as I was able to see even better than before in the darkness and my bones hollowed themselves out. My lip also began to protrude slightly more and it hardened into a beak. I kept my white shirt and jeans on, and my blue eyes were still normal, despite the better vision. I flapped a couple times and then flew up onto the rafters of the warehouse.
    I watched everyone below as they changed into their normal forms. As I was part Hoothoot, I was able to see the kids that changed into ghosts and disappeared. Sarah changed to a Glameow, Samuel to a Munchlax. Kevin was already in his Houndoom form, which was by far the scariest. I saw a set of twins change into a Plusle and the other was a Minun. The three newest people became a Meowth, a Mudkip, and a Shinx. I continued watching and saw a Zubat, a Shuppet, a Spinarak, and a Yanma.
    After seeing everyone change into their form safely, I fell asleep so I would be ready for nightfall. I knew that until I awoke, Kevin would handle things, mostly by having Harry the Spinarak cover the entrance with his silk so that they only way out was up.

    ~~~~~~~

    I awoke to the sound of shuffling below me, my extra sensitive hearing having finished developing while asleep. I opened my eyes and I looked down only to find everyone sleeping, except for Sarah. She had gotten up and was using her Glameow side to slyly make her way through the crowd of hybrids. She then jumped up to the next flight of stairs and disappeared behind a curtain. Those cat powers sure do come in handy.
    I kept watching the people below me, cause it’s really what I do, I watch. I watch over hybrids and I watch normal humans. Anything really is what I watch and I watch in silence. I do play games and things, but I mainly watch.
    “Are you ready, Chase?” a voice said behind me.
    I just about jumped back into my human form because it scared me so much. “Yes, Zach, I’m all set.” I turned around to face the Zubat hybrid. Zach still had his black hair, thin body, and green eyes, but now he had wings and large ears. “Is Kate outside already?” I asked as I didn’t hear or see her inside.
    “Yea, she’s waiting for us and just keeping an out for anyone suspicious.”
    We nodded to each other and I silently flapped my wings and flew out the window with Zach close behind. It felt great to be back in the open air with the cool wind. I hear a buzz and looked behind to see that Kate was quickly catching up. Her four wings weren’t even working very hard and in her four extra bug-like arms was food for us during our night hunt. Her legs were also morphed into a long tail with two horn-like pincers on the end.
    “You guys know what to do?” I asked them. Both nodded showing that they were told the same thing three days ago by Kevin. “Break!” I yelled as we came upon the base of a mountain. I slowly worked my way straight up, reaching colder and colder temperatures. Zach and Kate were supposed to work their way around and then up and we would meet near the summit.
    I worked my way up, now with my wings starting to freeze up, but every time ice started to build I would break it using my beak or talons. I flew higher and higher, passing frozen cliffs and large snow banks. Then I reached the end of my arduous flight as I landed and gasped for air. I laid on the snow-covered ground, waiting for Zach and Kate to appear.
    I heard a buzzing soon followed by flapping and I looked around to see who it was. I spotted Kate and Zach flying towards me and watched them land. They walked over to me as I stood up and we all looked down the hill, which was nearly impossible with all of the snow blowing and the clouds.
    “So this is Mount Sorbet?” Zach asked.
    “Yep, it’s the only mountain is Oblivia that’s cold like this,” Kate answered. “We have to be careful not to freeze or to cause an avalanche, so no noises and watch your step.”
    “We know, Kate. Let’s just get this hybrid and go,” I said. I was already freezing and I was tired. I led the way down the mountain, we weren’t sure where the hybrid lived so we had to check everywhere. We searched several caves that ended as dead ends almost ten feet in, but we looked anyways.
    Halfway down we came across some pillars and one of us had to speak up. “What are these even here for?” Kate asked.
    “We can ask Kevin when we get back,” I said. I didn’t want to talk right now in fear of us getting ambushed while out in the open. We were warned to move as silently as possible to avoid fighting with the ‘natives’.
    We made our way farther down when Zach started whispering, “Wait, hold up.” He pointed with his wing, “Is that them? The hybrid, I mean?”
    I peered farther down the hill and looked at the last pillar. I was able to focus on the one object moving out there, a Buneary, but it was different. “Well, it is bigger than a normal Buneary, and it has clothes on. But it has the ears and the fur. Do you think it’s what we’re after?”
    “No doubt about it in my mind,” Kate said. “But how are we going to get them. By the height it can’t be too old, but it’s big enough to put up a fight.” Kate didn’t like fights, but she would sometimes be drug into one.
    “No, no fighting, I think this one we fly out,” I said.
    “What? Chase, what do you mean? We can’t carry it, we’re not strong enough.”
    I shook my head, trying to think. “Okay, then we ought to find a way to knock that hybrid out, and then us three can carry them back to the warehouse. Is that a good plan?” I looked between the two and they didn’t even give a slight nod. “Okay, here’s the official plan. We go up to it, offer it a safe place to live, and if they refuse, Zach will hit them over the head with…” I looked around and found nothing that he could use as a blunt object. I started thinking ice, but that was cold and not very safe.
    Then Kate spoke up, “You know how our other half gives us abilities, like Sarah’s super jumps and our ability to fly?”
    “Yea…” Zach and I said together.
    “Well, what if Zach harnesses his power over Zubat and tries using a Supersonic, like the normal Zubats do.”
    “What do you mean ‘normal’? Compared to either of you, I’m the most normal.” Zach seemed offended, but Kate and I didn’t care, I was too intrigued by her idea.
    “And then you, Chase, you use your Hoothoot powers and use Hypnosis to put them to sleep.”
    “That’s a great plan Kate! Wait, but what about you, Kate. What can you do to help us?” I asked. While she started to think, I turned back to Zach. “She means a full Zubat, not a hybrid like you and me.”
    “I know, but I seriously am the most normal. All I have are giant ears and wings. You have feathers, hollow bones, talons, and a beak. She has six arms! Not to mention wings.”
    “Zach, calm down, it’s fine. We were just jok—
    “Got it!” Kate quietly yelled. “I can use Double Team to make copies of myself and then use my copies to carry the Buneary hybrid and fly back to the warehouse.”
    Once again, I looked between Zach and Kate. “I think this will work. Let’s eat first, and then we’ll go in. When we go, Zach, you should dive at them to catch them by surprise then I’ll use Hypnosis. Kate, then you and your copies will pick them up and carry them back.”
    “Got it,” Kate and Zach said together. Kate handed out the food and we all ate, satisfied that this was going to work. Once we finished, Zach flew up and out of view into the clouds.
    It was only a few moments when we saw the blue streak that was Zach heading straight towards the Buneary hybrid. Right before he would have collided with it, he spread his wings out like a parachute and I could tell the hybrid was caught off guard and was staring at Zach. I then started my way down when I saw the Buneary start to tip and fall, first going up the mountain, then down, then in circles. I landed in front of the boy, at least now I could tell it was a boy. I held them stiff and focused on their eyes. It took a little more concentration than I thought it would have, but the boy closed his eyes and fell asleep in the snow. Then the horde of Kate-Yanmas came and picked up the boy. There were about six new hybrids, all of Kate, heading back to the warehouse with Zach and I in tow.

    ~~~~~~~

    The trip back to the warehouse went a lot smoother than the trip to Mount Sorbet. We entered the broken glass roof and landed with the precious cargo in the middle of the commons area, just in time too. The sun was now rising and the hybrid that lived in the warehouse started to change back as they entered the room. As I changed back, I noticed that the effects of my Hypnosis were starting to wear off and that Kate’s clones slowly faded to nothing.
    Kevin entered the room, his last Houndoom feature, the horns, submerging into his skull. I could see his skin cover where the horns just were and his hair quickly regrew to full length. “Is this them?” he asked. “The Buneary child I told you about?”
    I nodded, signaling that we had completed our mission. I walked back to my room, as did Kate and Zach, for some sleep. My next mission would probably be within the next week, so I needed to rest as much as possible. I heard a shuffling just as I was about to fall under, so I got up and peered through my curtain. I looked down at the blonde boy we just brought back and Kevin was right behind him. “He wants to only be with you,” was all Kevin said. He walked away and I went back to watching the little boy.
    He suddenly did what I had never expected, he gave me a hug. “Thank you.” I knelt down and hugged him back and I just realized that he was left up there, all alone and now I was his friend. I brought him into my room and let him have my bed. I covered him up with three blankets and I sat next to him, watching over him. I watched the rise and fall of his chest, how he shifted his legs in his sleep, and how he changed facial expressions, even when dreaming. My favorite part, watching him smile and hearing him whisper ‘Mom’.

  2. #2
    Registered User Smiles's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Watcher [Write-a-Roll]

    Claimed~ (=
    URPG

  3. #3
    Registered User Smiles's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Watcher [Write-a-Roll]

    Plot:

    Conversation is always a great way to begin a story. We are casually brought into the world of these teenagers, which appears neither over bearing or over complex until the plot furthers. It can be an incredibly deadly tactic to understate the story's plot in a lighthearted way, so I definitely want to say good job with that! I also enjoy the way we received the subtle hint about being abducted by the humans (however, I only know this because of the note before the story). That intrigues the readers further because now we want to know where they are going and why that would be a threat (or even how they can achieve walking on roofs...). My only way to improve the first part of the plot would be to balance the description and dialogue. Dialogue provides personality while description sets up the world; if we see how cool Kevin is while Sarah calms the kids down about Kevin while Kevin speaks, he just becomes that much cooler. And we are curious about his character.

    Before your story began, you noted that the humans wanted the hybrids gone. This is a necessary piece of information in the story. It is crucial that we implement these important pieces to the story in some way, even if it takes one sentence. This would have worked especially well because you wrote in first person. You did a great job of describing how Chase sees things, but first-person is amazing because we can look into his personality even further because he creates this whole world by the way he tells the story. I would advise having fun with the narrators and experimenting with how you can describe things from a different perspective, the best perspective you can use to implement those types of details etc.

    As for the rest of the plot, I enjoyed the simplicity but victorious feel to it. I'll go more into detail at the WaR section!

    Description:

    Wow, I love the imagination that went into the hybrids themselves! I had a great time visualizing what each person looked like with the descriptions. And do not worry about describing everybody; you described the main characters, which is always the way to go. Details like the warehouse were full and the reader could envision what the teenagers lived like, which is always good. I noticed that you have a great talent for providing the best, succinct details (such as Chase turning thirteen and his account of watching things - that creates personality). This being said, I think you can use that talent to craft description that is short but unique. For example, instead of describing how a boy has just black hair, maybe you can describe a terse, unique, single characteristic about that person instead. Personal little details like that are fantastic because they stick in the reader's mind every time the character is brought up.

    On a further note, great job using sensory details! I personally loved the description of Chase pecking away the ice building on his arm. I also enjoyed the fact that the Buneary is actually found on Mt. Sorbet - realistic connections like this make readers happy! From the brief sample of your description in this story, I can tell that you do have a talent for it, and you can only get better and better!

    Grammar:

    The girl giggled, “I went up and over.”
    “Okay,” Samuel yawned again, but he did start eating a handful of cereal.
    In these two pieces of dialogue, we have actions that are used in place of where a speaking action should be. If it would have been "the girl said," then that would have been fine because that's an action that announces her speech. Giggled and yawned are normal actions so they would have periods by them instead.

    Quote Originally Posted by corrected
    The girl giggled. "I went up and over."
    "Okay." Samuel yawned again, but he did start eating a handful of cereal.
    “Okay!” She happily said. “Oh, and Chase,” I grunted in response to show I was listening, “happy birthday!”
    When you have dialogue that is interrupted, commas are only used if the dialogue does not create a complete sentence. Also, if you used an exclamation or a question mark, the sentence proceeding it is lower-case unless the first word is a proper noun.

    Quote Originally Posted by corrected
    "Okay!" she happily said. "Oh, and Chase," she said as I grunted in response to show I was listening, "Happy birthday!"
    Those dialogue mistakes are minor and are easily correctable.

    I would recommend proof-reading anything before you submit it. Although not a major offense, there were a few little errors like "legitally" and other little mistakes that could have been easily fixed. It's always nice to proof-read and see where you could insert more detail or improve the flow of the story as well.

    Length:

    When URPG stories are posted, we put a space between each paragraph. We also separate dialogue between different characters, and we never center our stories. It makes it easier for people online to read the story.



    This is not a major offense, so don't worry! It just makes it easier for people to read, and the length of your story goes up. Properly formatted, your story has 14,597 characters. Maybe there's a discrepancy with your character-counting system and mine?...Either way, you fell into the proper range of story length. And your story was never rushed or slowed - perfect tempo! Great job here!

    Outcome:

    Hoothoot and Zubat captured! Yay! I'm glad you enjoyed writing this. It was quite the enjoyable and adorable story. I hope you write more!

    WaR:

    Genre: Juvenile Fantasy
    Setting: Region: Oblivia
    Character: Pokemon and Humans, Hybrid

    I can see your argument for juvenile fantasy being teen fantasy, but the issue with this is that the Write a Roll post directly states that the juvenile fantasy genre "concern[s] only very young children. If you wanna write for this genre, then think about what tickles the young mind." Hmmm...now, in your defense (just go with me) I thought that the ending (a song by Louis Armstrong is perfect for anything!) was incredibly adorable and catered to the younger mind. The Buneary himself is a younger child, as precious and adorable as any little kid we would read a story like this to. And there is a certain innocence which surrounds the story, from the simplicity of it to just the general youth of children like Sam. Pass!

    Although you didn't have the specific town, you did speak about Mt. Sorbet and I already mentioned the reality of the Buneary. More could have been done about the setting, but for a story of this length it is really not a big deal. Pass!

    Finally, I did enjoy how the teenagers did transform and weren't just hybrid the whole time. And I already spoke of how cool the hybrids were. You have a wondrous creativity that can only go further. Pass!

    You may claim one Simple Pokemon on the 31st. (= Congratulations!
    URPG

  4. #4
    Registered User Jake434's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Watcher [Write-a-Roll]

    Thanks, Smiles! This is my best story (feedback wise) that I've made so far, so I feel really happy. For the paragraph thing, I wrote the story in word and didn't remember to double space it, so I already my count was off. Then when I transferred it I tried to fix the spacing, but for some reason my tab wasn't working, and I wanted indents which led me to center it so it wouldn't look too bad. Anyways, thanks for the awesome grade and for reading it!

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