The Waiter

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  1. #1
    You can just call me N. Natural Harmonia Gropius's Avatar
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    Post The Waiter

    Pokemon attempting to catch: Lotad (Simple)
    (I'm Australian so instead of "Mom" and "color", we have "Mum" and "colour", etc.)
    (Also, the accents will usually be spelled incorrectly on purpose)
    Character Count: 8054

    Leaving the swamp was the most important decision I ever made. I had grown up there, and my whole family lived there. I was the youngest in a family of seventeen. All my brothers and sisters were content, and became Lombre, then Ludicolo. However, I was not the same. I felt like there was something more. Something I could do to help other people and make them happy. I wanted to become someone who could make a lot of people happy at once: a WAITER. I was picked on by my brothers and sisters, for not evolving and for my crazy dream, but I was NOT going to let them stop me. Late at night, I practised balancing small logs on my lily-pad, pretending they were cups and plates. I did errands for my mother by finding out what my siblings wanted for dinner, writing it down using a pencil I held in my foreleg. My friend Tentacool always wanted to be a chef, and we owned an imaginary restaurant together. When I was seventeen summers old, I was finally ready. I said my final goodbyes to my family, Tentacool, and the swamp I grew up in, put my backpack on my head, and set off for the city.

    The road to the city was long and treacherous. I lost count of how many times I had to jump in the river next to the path to escape from the Weavile bandits that jumped out and tried to steal my belongings. I finally gave up the path and swam in the river, concealing my body. A few Carracosta were copying my strategy. They were slowly overtaking me. It was quite a good disguise, as the river was flowing in the same direction as we were travelling. We looked like rocks and a lily-pad with packs on their backs. We were lucky that nobody swiped our belongings, as they were just floating above the river and anything could reach out and grab them.

    After an hour or two, the Carracosta disappeared from sight and I started becoming exhausted. However, I was too afraid to sleep on the shore because of the Weavile bandits, and although my bag was rainproof, it was leaky and would ruin all of my food if it was submerged.

    Fortunately, it started to rain. I activated my ability, Rain Dish, and became rejuvenated. I swam quicker and stronger and came to the shore in a more urban area, where there were no rocks for bandits to hide behind.

    Walking through the concrete streets of the city felt uncomfortable compared to the soft earth and mud of home. The paths were a labyrinth of shops, houses, and huge industrial buildings with smoke billowing out of them. I walked around for a while, got completely lost and ended up in a small back alley. Suddenly, a Pinsir bumped into me out of nowhere and glared.

    "Ya goin' down, kid!" he yelled.

    Suddenly, a Probopass appeared, at the same spot the Pinsir had.

    "Yo! Pince! Wadda ya doing out dere? It's time to go "boidwatchin"" he said, slightly annoyed.

    "It's dis kid, baws!" Pince yelled, "He bumped in ta me!"

    "I d-d-d-d-d-didn't," I stuttered, "h-h-h-h-h-he came out of n-n-n-n-n-nowhere and..."

    "Pince, ya dolt!" the Probopass muttered, "Ya came outta da HQ an' da kid wos standin' right dere!"

    "Aw Yea!" Pince said, "A corse, baws!"

    "Apologise to da kid, Pince!" the Probopass ordered.

    Pince glanced at me. "Sawry, kid" he muttered.

    "Naw, kid, tell me what ya doing out here." the Probopass said politely.

    "Well, Mr. -"

    "Big Boss"

    "Well, Mr. Big Boss, I'm training to become a waiter at a school here, but I don't have a map of the city and I'm completely lost." I explained.

    "OK, which school izzit?" Big Boss asked.

    "Um," I glanced at the note in my backpack, "It's the Nom Académie D'Origine"

    "Yer in luck, I know dat one." Pince said.

    "Den where iz it, Pince?" asked Big Boss.

    "Ya just need ta go left an' look for a big gate." said Pince.

    "T-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-thanks..." I stuttered.

    "OK. See ya kid." Big Boss said. Pince just smirked. I took Pince's directions and ended up straight outside the Nom Académie D'Origine.

    My time in the Académie really helped me to further my waitering skills. The teachers were strict, but they were very knowledgeable and taught me all I needed to know about being a waiter. I made a new friend, Absol. She was quite accident-prone, but she was very enthusiastic. She really wanted to work in a restaurant and worked very hard in completing her goal. There were times when I felt discouraged, and Absol was always there to cheer me up. There were times when Absol dropped all of the glasses and plates and got in trouble, and I was always there to get her out of it. We became the best of friends. I graduated first in the class, while Absol graduated seventeenth. We set off together to find a restaurant to work in.

    After wandering around for a few hours, we found a restaurant that was looking for two waiters, The Peeking Ducklett. They wanted to check our resumes, and I easily got in. Absol had some more trouble, but I convinced them to hire her.The Peeking Ducklett was quite classy, for a Chinese restaurant. We soon felt at home.

    A few years later, I had mastered waitering and Absol was getting the hang of it. I had evolved into a Lombre, which allowed me to carry and balance even more cups and plates. The Peeking Ducklett had become much more popular, and I occasionally saw Big Boss and Pince, as well as an Excadrill named Brian. They never recognised me, but the manager, a Mienshao, always hid when they were around. I was promoted to the Head Waiter, and Absol was pretty jealous, but we still remained friends. A new chef was hired, a Tentacruel, who I later found out to be the same Tentacool that I grew up with! I introduced him to Absol and they became good friends as well.

    One day, Big Boss, Pince, and Brian came to The Peeking Ducklett when it was completely packed. Mienshao explained to them that they couldn't sit down.

    "We d'mend a tebbel!" Pince growled.

    "I am so ri, sir, but we do not have en ni tay bals left." Mienshao said.

    "Den we'll 'ave to fight for one." Pince yelled, clicking his pincers.

    Mienshao gulped.

    "STOP!" Absol yelled and jumped in front of Mienshao. Tentacruel and I saw what was happening and jumped in front of Mienshao as well.

    "We'll fight you and beat you!" Tentacruel yelled!

    "OK, den. Lezz do dis, boys!" Big Boss yelled. Pokemon everywhere fled from the restaurant. I wanted to run away too, but I knew I had to fight. Absol jumped on Pince, slashing at him and knocking him back. Brian dug under the tiles, but Tentacruel stuck one of his tentacles in the hole, grabbing him and spraying him with water. Brian and Pince were soon defeated.

    "Hay, ya beat mah gang!" Big Boss yelled, "Yoh gonna pay for dat!" Absol, Tentacruel, and I started attacking, but Big Boss was still standing, erm, floating. He used a super powerful attack and Tentacruel and Absol were sent flying. That was the final straw. I was filled with rage and started charging, charging for Big Boss's demise.

    "Heh, Heh, Whazza matter, kid?" Big Boss taunted.

    "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" I yelled. Hydro Pump, my strongest attack, blasted Big Boss back. He crashed against the wall and groaned. Suddenly, Pince appeared, grabbed Big Boss, and ran. We were too busy celebrating to mind.

    "Lombre! You were amazing!"

    "Me, Amazing? Look at you guys!"

    Mienshao stood up.

    "Good Job Ev Ri Wun!" he said, "Yu Hav Saved De Res Ta Runt!"

    The celebration was great, and everyone was promoted. I became the Chief Waiter, the highest rank a waiter can have, and Tentacruel became the Head Chef. Mienshao had something different for Absol, though.

    "Yu Wer Bri Li Unt Awt Der!" Mienshao said, "Hao Wud Yu Like To Bi Een Chage Of Sa Cu Ri Ti?"

    "That'd be great!" Absol said, "It felt really good fighting for the restaurant!"

    Mienshao also had something for me.

    "Hi Ah Is A Wa Ta Ston," he told me, "Yu Can Use It To Bi Com A Lu Di Co Lo."

    "Thanks," I said. I grabbed it, and started glowing, I was finally a Ludicolo!

    Now, the Peeking Ducklett is the most popular restaurant in the whole of Hoenn, and Absol, Tentacruel, and I are always proud of our great achievement.

    THE END

    Deal with it.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: [READY FOR GRADING] The Waiter

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  3. #3
    Creator of Nathan Castle BlazeMaster's Avatar
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    Default Re: [READY FOR GRADING] The Waiter

    @Deity;

    Introduction

    Your Introduction does what an Introduction should do. It shows us the main characters and describes their quest. One thing that this story didn't do was use any description. The Introduction is the best place to put any description. Introductions usually follow two pattterns. They either use a lot of action or plenty of description. Yours did neither and because of this it didn't work so well. You did, however, show us the characters, which is always a good start.

    Plot

    Your Plot was cool, but it was a bit bland at the same time. I liked the story of the Lotad trying to become a waiter and the opposition from his familiy. I like the way that he's the odd one out and that no-one loves him. Even without description, this gave me a real liking for your character. The Plot was also very realistic (given that it's about Pokémon) and you did really well in keeping it interesting.

    There was a problem with your plot though. If you imagine most ordinary plots they have hills and valleys, where the character has to go through challenges and difficulties. If those sorts of stories have hills and valleys yours was just one slope with a slight upward gradient. It was over much too large a time span and it was almost an auto biography. For captures autobiographies aren't too great as they don't grab the reader in the same way. Maybe you should have spent more time for Lotad's time at the restaurant. Either way, you had too large a time span and too much plot.

    Description

    This is really where your story fell down. You didn't have any description even though you had several characters. This is a big problem if you want a convincing story. Never assume that your reader knows what a character looks like, even if it's a Pokémon. I genuinely found it difficult to imagine some of your scenes where you had multiple characters and a lot of moves flying about the place. You don't need a lot of description either, especially for the minor characters. For instance, when describing Pince, you could have said this:

    "We d'mend a tebble" Pince growled, his powerful pincers clacking menacingly above him, his brown plated body rippling.
    Small things like that really add to the atmosphere and they help you to condense down your plot, making a better story overall. Also, you didn't describe attacks, which is never a good thing if you want a good battle. So where you said:

    Hydro Pump, my strongest attack, blasted Big Boss back.
    I would put in more description to make the attack seem more realistic, and say:

    A jet of deep blue water erupted from my mouth and blasted Big Boss over the tables. I had used Hydro Pump, my most powerful attack.
    This makes battles easier to follow and readers will enjoy them more.

    Grammar

    On the grammar side of things you were pretty sound, with only a couple of mistakes. You went a bit over the top on commas in places that they weren't entirely necessary. For instance you said:

    Late at night, I practised balancing small logs on my lily-pad.
    The comma in this sentence isn't needed. You can just say:

    Late at night I practised balancing small logs on my lily-pad.
    You did this again here, where you said:

    I was picked on by my brothers and sisters, for not evolving
    Again, you do not need the comma here. It breaks up the sentence too, and, despite this often being a good thing, it did not work here.

    Later on, you said:

    but I was [NOT] going to let them stop me.
    Here, this NOT is wrong. You should never capitalise something in your writing. You can do a few things here.

    Either:

    Just don't capitalise it. So it would look like:

    But I was not going to let them stop me.
    Put an exclamation mark at the end, and say:

    But I was not going to let them stop me!
    You might be able to get away with putting italics. i.e., you say:

    But I was not going to let them stop me.
    Those are the main options that you should consider. But don't use capitals.

    Dialogue

    The grammar around your dialogue was pretty good. You put commas and full stops in the right places, you put capitals where necessary. But for once, I actually had a problem with what you said. Never write out accents as it sounds, because if you say:

    Hao Wud Yu Like To Bi Een Chage Of Sa Cu Ri Ti?
    The reader has to take time to decipher it and you lose all of your momentum. Instead of writing out words in an accent, just say something like this:

    "How would you like to be in charge of security?" Mienshao asked, his voice laden with a Brooklyn accent.
    Writing out accents only ever works if you have only small changes to the writing of the words.

    The Battle

    There are three things that I look for in a Battle:

    1. A good battle
    2. Two balanced teams
    3. Move description.

    The thing with your battle was that it was too short. You only actually mentioned one attack in the whole thing, and the affair was a bit rushed. You are often able to make a few thousand CC out of your battle and you really missed out on this opportunity. The whole affair was too rushed because you had limited description and only a couple of moves.

    Your teams were reasonably balanced, except from the fact that you had the battle over so quickly it seemed like one team had swept the floor.

    I've already talked a lot about the move descriptions, but I'll say one more time. After the actual battle the descriptions are the most important.

    Length

    Lotad is a Simple Pokémon and requires about 5-10K. You wrote 8054 Characters (with spaces) or 6564 (without spaces). This is long enough for Lotad by at least 1.5K. This is a really good attempt to get a good length and I couldn't ask for much more. At 6.5K you're comfortably within Lotad's range and no-one's going to criticise you for just making the target or stopping at the moment that you catch the Lotad. You could have had an even higher CC, however, if you had used more description.

    Verdict

    Lotad Not Captured. Your Plot was too stretched, you didn't have enough description and the dialogue had the accents. You can't work much on the plot, so put description into it and make the dialogue normal and you'll get a pass. VM me when your ready for a re-grade
    http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/f425/hunger-games-pok%C3%A9mon-136008/

    Hunger Games RPG

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