19th April 2010, 05:08 PM #1
Vs. Magikarp by Sennyo
The Pokémon world, a planet inhabited by both Pokémon and Humans. In this vast would there are many regions and countries, form kanto to Sinnoh to Orre to Oblivia. Long such region is located in the far north of the world in Europe know as Albion, the mystical island where it always rains. The Albion region has know “Pokémon league” and its marsh like feature make finding wild Pokémon a hard task indeed. If it wasn’t for Alboin Commonwealth Pokémon stadium the region wouldn’t be on the map .Therefore it is strange that this region is where the Trainer of our tale begins his journey.
Sennyo was a rather tall person who many said had no sense of style when it came to his appearance. He wore a Plain white t-shirt and jeans under the long Green army trench coat he was always seen in. His hair was a mess and look as if a Pidgey had once tried to nest in it. Inside one of his pockets was a small red and white orb called a pokéball which contained Sennyo Pokémon in it. Normally Sennyo’s Pokémon was much bigger than it was when inside a pokéball but a pokéball make a creature small inside it to fit in a pocket, people could almost call them Pocket’mon.
That day had been like any other normal day. Sennyo had gone down to the down centre for a quick run with his backpack on his back and his Pokémon in his pocket. As he was walking he stop to hear to small youngster arguing about which of there Pokémon were better at fighting. There augment stop though when the nearby pets shop window exploded into millions of glass shard. Follow by a dozen Pokémon running out the shop. Sennyo had been a trainer for rather a long time in Albion and it didn’t take him long to realise that the store owners Pokémon had been in a battle and had lost somehow. Sennyo mind could only picture black silhouettes of fully evolved Pokémon that must of been in the shop he hadn’t realised that the two youngsters had run towards the place intend of caching the monster in there.
“Hey wait up”, Sennyo had shouted at the kids, but they had already entered the shop. He ran to catch up with them; his hand going straight for the pokéball was in this pocket. When he reached the wreck shop, he was surprised to see the two youngsters clutching there fainted Caterpie and Weedle in their hands. Sennyo turn to them as the scurried out of the shop, the Pokéball had had been in his pocket was now clutch tightly into a fist. The Pokémon inside it was ready for a battle. Sennyo entered the shot and the destructive beast that had caused so much damage had caught his eye and Sennyo couldn’t believe it. The Beast, the monster that had caused so much damage and so much destruction to the other Pokémon and the store was nothing more than a hapless Magikarp. It was a Bland red coloured scale fish Pokémon that was easily Splashing around in a puddle of water and dust. Sennyo didn’t understand how it caused the damage and just stood there laughing out loudly. Because Sennyo was laughing the Magikarp decide to teach him how he had destroyed the place and in a few seconds had tackled the now stunned Sennyo into the ground.
Sennyo was in complete shock for a moment, and then he decided to stand up and chuck the small orb he held in his hand. “Go Cecil”, he cried. The Small Pokéball opens in a flash of light. Sennyo Pokémon, a Cubone Known as Cecil appeared in full size out of the ball and gave a loud cry.
“CUUUUU”, it had shouted before the flash had finally disappeared. “Bone”, it finished turning to it master for the first command. Cecil was a brown furry creature which was normally native to much rocky and sandy area over the world. Sennyo had obtained him once during a school trip to the Orre region almost three years ago.
Sennyo turn to Cecil. “Don’t underestimate that fish there and use Headbutt”. The Cubone heard his trainer command and charged straight towards it enemy who had seem to decide to use splash. Splash was often seen as a move which seem to do no damage to an opponent, however Cubone suffered the worse luck and before he had managed to reach Magikarp, he trip over and landed in the mud. The skull he wore over his head took most impact and therefore Cecil did not suffer any damage. Cecil turn toward the other Pokémon and waited for his master to issue a command. Surprisingly the Magikarp seemed to be faster attack the Cubone with a flurry of hit coming form it tail.
“Darn Magikarp just used Flail”, Sennyo acknowledge form the fight as he fought of another command to give Cubone. “Cecil use Bone Club”, he cried. The Cubone obeyed his trainer and using a Bone that he had obtained as a wild Pokémon form his mother, he hit the flailing Magikarp in the body knocking it to the ground. Sennyo cheered and Cecil growled in joy as the move had succeeded in hurting Magikarp. It was very weak after that attack and Sennyo believed it was now a good time to capture the Pokémon. He took and empty pokéball from out of his bag and chuck it at Magikarp. The ball opened absorbed the Pokémon inside of it.
The pokéball shook once, “it appears to be caught”, Sennyo thought. The pokéball shook a second time, “Argh I’ve almost got it”, Sennyo muttered to himself. The pokéball then shook a third and final time, “It’s so close”, Sennyo couldn’t help but think as he watched amazed.
Characters without spaces: 4332
Characters with space: 5308
This is my first time writing a stroy and my first story so please may the graders be gentle
Last edited by Sennyo; 23rd April 2010 at 10:56 AM.
19th April 2010, 06:15 PM #2
Re: Vs. Magikarp by Sennyo
24th April 2010, 12:18 AM #3
Re: Vs. Magikarp by Sennyo
Introduction: Your first story, eh? Don't worry, I'll go easy on you. For a first story, its pretty darn good, actually. ;)
Plot: In the region of Albion, a young trainer named Sennyo encounters a Magikarp and tries to capture it. You went with a simplistic plot, but it works for first stories/Magikarp stories. Albion was pretty interesting. I think you're the first person here I've graded that's made up a locale. Also, I'm glad you broke out of the "Professor gives you a Pokemon" mold like a lot of the other stories here. While you're still writing as a young trainer, its different, and different is most definitely good.
In the future, I'd advise a better look into the main character, Sennyo. We know what he looks like, but besides that, we know nothing else. Another thing is that you don't need to write stories about trainers on a journey, nor does the Trainer's name have to be the same as your username. You can write just about anything for URPG, the more creative the better.
One thing I really thought was hilarious was at the end where you used the three phrases from the games as the ball shook. XD
Length: Magikarp require 3,000 characters to 5,000 characters. You've got a bit more than 5,000 which is above and beyond what was asked for.
Detail: For a first story, your level of detail is pretty good. I can actually imagine the main character in my head, which is awesome! Definitely stick with that level of detail when you write future stories, and try to expand it. One of the best tips I was given was that you should try to describe Pokemon and Pokemon world objects like the reader has never heard of them before. That'll really help you in the detail department. Detail will also become a bit easier when you start fleshing out your characters psychologically.
Grammar/Spelling: One big thing I noticed in the beginning is proper nouns. Be sure to be consistent with them: Kanto, Pokemon League, Albion Commonwealth Pokémon Stadium, and so on and so forth. Also, be sure you know the difference between there and their. Another formatting issue is the way you do quotes. Quotes go like this.
Raidon said, "Peter Piper pecked a pack of pickled peppers."
"Peter Piper pecked a pack of pickled peppers," spewed Raidon.
The comma goes inside of the quotation marks, not outside. You also seem to forget possessives ones in a while. Besides those, your actual grammar and spelling are actually pretty good. It seems like you do make a typo once in a while, so be sure to look for those. They can become really annoying when you start writing longer stories. Grammar-wise, a few things didn't make sense right away, so be sure that everything you write makes sense when you string it together.
Battle: You wrote a battle, and a pretty nice one at that. Props, man. Like I said above, in order to make the battle more detailed, try to describe Pokemon and their attacks as if the reader has never seen them before. Besides that, you wrote a pretty long and detailed battle, another component of URPG storywriting that you'll need for future stories.
Outcome: Magikarp captured. Just be sure to watch out for those agreement errors and fix the quotation mark thing in the future. I think that, if you fix those, you'd be ready to write for harder Pokemon. :D
24th April 2010, 03:21 PM #4
Re: Vs. Magikarp by Sennyo
thankyou for marking this and i will use your given tips in the future