Vrikrar Episode 1-*Requires grading*

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  1. #1
    Bug types R neat! Vrikrar's Avatar
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    Default Vrikrar Episode 1-*Requires grading*

    main character: Vrikrar
    Pokemon used: Quel(Yanma)
    Pokemon to capture: Nincada(simple)


    *Vrikrar Episode 1: A new Poke(mon)*


    Aaaaaa... What beautiful ice cream cones.

    It was an odd thought, one I must admit I've never had before. But then, I'd never been to an ice cream cone forest before, so I suppose I had an excuse. I was just about to climb a nice chocolate cone, when a loud buzzing started echoeing through the forest. I decided to ignore it, and instead began climbing the cone.

    Strange, I thought, It seemed the higher I climbed the louder the buzzing got. It continued to get louder, and just as it started to get painful, I noticed something far worse than the noise; the ice cream cones were begining to melt! Which was a shame, really, because I was about two/thirds up the chocolate one. I tried to climb down, but that buzzing! It was so loud, I was paralyzed in pain! My hands began to slip, and I panicked. I reached out and grabbed the top rim of the cone, only to have it break off!
    With nothing to hold on to I fell, turning to look at the ground as I plummeted from the cone. I closed my eyes in anticipation as the ground jumped up to meet me.

    "Oopfh." I groaned, opening my eyes. At first, all I saw was an expanse of green, blotting out my vision. Then two small, black, eyes swiveled around to meet mine. Quel, my Yanma, of course. "Did I sleep in? Again?" I asked her.
    Quel nodded, then in a flash of red, darted over to sit on the top of my dresser. I blinked rapidly in the sunlight, and sat up on my bed.

    Quel flew over to my desk, where she let out several deep vibrations. "What?" I asked, "What am I forgetting Quel?"
    Quel just cocked her head to one side and stared at me. Her usual way of saying "You should know." Slightly irritated now, I stumbled over to my calender, and ran my finger over the dates.Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wen... My voice trailed off as my brain worked to understand what I had done.
    Over a minute of silence passed, during which Quel dozed peacefully in the sunlight, streaming in through my window. Then I let out a yell loud enough to knock her off the edge of the desk, and ran from the room."We've got to go Quel, We've got to go! I yelled from the bathroom. Quel, rising from the floor, floated into the kitchen without a sound, a smile on her face.

    * * *

    It wasn't that Quel had nothing to say, It was that she couldn't say. An accident involving her egg left her unable to talk, even saying "Yanma," wasn't possible for her. This wasn't a hinderence to our relationship however, if anything, we were closer because of it. It took a lot of effort from both of us, but now we understand each other fine.

    This was on my mind as I ran to the lab, Quel zipping along ahead of me. You see, I'm one of the chief reserchers at Proffesser Birch's lab, in Littleroot Town. I fit in well at the lab, wearing my usual outfit of long, red pants, a pale green t-shirt, leather gloves, and a wide sunhat. I have medium length black hair, which is usually poking ferociously out from beneath my hat.
    However, I'm known for my glasses, which are moreso goggles, styled after none other than Quel herself. Wrapping around the sides of my head, bright green, the resemblance is uncanny. My official title at the Lab is "Chief Bug Specialist." That's right, I research bug Pokemon, and I've been studying for six years.
    As a bug researcher, it's my job to... well... research... err... bugs.
    And in order to do my job, I need something to study. Me and Quel have been planning this trip for weeks, and the purpose, you ask? "To catch a Nincada, the bug and ground type, trainee Pokemon. This way, I'll have something to study, and me and Quel will get a new friend.

    By the time I reached the Lab, it was well after noon, and I was paying for it.
    "Where have you been!" Proffesser Birch yelled, startling some Pidgey from their nest. "I was expecting you hours ago!"
    With Quel cowering on my shoulder, I meekly replied, "I ummm slept in..." Birch continued, "Was it food again?
    I nodded, "Ice cream this time"
    Proffesser Birch let out a deep sigh,
    "I told you food wasn't going to be a problem on your journey, thats why I'm here, to make sure you don't forget anything." He scratched the back of his head, "I was supposed to leave for Rustboro ages ago"

    Quel flipped up, and landed on my hat, where she let out a few high pitched vibrations. "Ahh..., Quel would like to know why you didn't let an aid see us off."
    Proffesser Birch let out a booming laugh, "If I let an aid do it, how would I wish you luck on your first adventure?"
    I smiled, reaching up to pat Quel, "Thanks Proffesser"
    "Any who, I have good news for you!" Birch said, "some Nincada have been spotted in Petalburg Woods, which I believe should shorten your trip quite a bit."
    Quel buzzed, returning to my shoulder. "Don't worry Quel, This just means we'll meet our friend even sooner!"
    Quel, still downcast at the thought of less flight time, nodded.

    * * *

    Yaaaawwn... "We've been here for hours Quel! Can't we move on yet?"
    Quel popped up from the hollowed out log she was hiding in, and shook her head from side to side, before ducking back in.

    We had set up camp on the edge of a clearing, surrounded by tall Willow trees. There were numerous boulders jutting out from the ground, like the one I was sitting on, and the whole area was dappled in shadow. At the base of several trees we had set up bowls filled with roots, with a light layer of honey over top, I was sure this would attract the small grey bugs known as Nincada, but it had'nt happenned yet.

    "We should move on!" I called softly to Quel.
    Who's only response was some short, clipped vibrations, coming from within the log.
    "All we have done is scare away stray wurmple." I said. A big shake of the log told me Quel was enjoying it.
    "Well,"I replied, "wake me if one comes, ok?"
    A echoing buzz, meaning disapproval, echoed through the clearing.
    I yawned again, "By the way Quel, your tail is sticking out."
    The log shook again.
    Smiling, drifting off to sleep, I thought to myself, I hope I don't dream again..

    * * *

    I awoke to a strange sound, just in time to see Quel, flying straight at me, apparently planning on knocking me from my boulder.
    "Wait! Stop Quel, I'm awake!" I yelled, but it was to late. She sent me flailing off the side of the rock, then pressed against my chest on the ground, emitting a hushed whistling from her mouth.
    "ok, I whispered, I get it." Quel nodded and flitted to the edge of the boulder. I sneaked over beside her, and peered around the rock. There was a Nincada! It was working through one of the bowls, happily muttering to itself, "Cada-cad" as it ate.
    I noticed that the bowl was almost empty, I looked down at Quel, who was trying hard not to meet my gaze.

    Somebody besides me had fallen asleep, I thought, smiling.

    "Quel, I want you to get as close as possible, then hit it with a Wing Attack." Quel nodded again, then began crawling through the grass, towards Nincada.
    Just as Quel closed in, I jumped from behind the rock, shouting "AH HAH!" at the startled Nincada.
    It let out a surprised "NIN!" just before Quel hit it squarely from behind.
    The Nincada flipped end over end, but managed to land on it's feet. It began shining with a metallic light, while it looked around for it's speedy attacker.
    Harden, I thought, "Quel! Get around it's defences with a Sonicboom!"
    Quel dropped out of a tree, and launched a wave of sonic energy, pushing Nincada into the ground.
    Nincada retaliated with a Mud Slap, digging itself out, and causing Quel to veer wildly. It continued the assault, keeping Quel from landing another attack.
    "Supersonic now!" I cried, momentarily capturing the Nincada's attention with a rock. Quel hovered, releasing a wave of distortion that looked like heat over a hot road.
    When it came into contact with the Nincada, it began blinking rapidly, "Cada!" it cried, turning away from Quel. Nincada began scuttling away, erratically, and ran head first into a boulder, it skidded back almost a foot before letting out a weak "cada...cad..."

    I reached into my pack and retreived a pokeball. I threw it in a high arc, and it landed on the Nincada's back. It opened, and the Nincada was absorbed in a burst of red energy.

    The pokeball rolled into a small depression, where it shook once, twice, three times...
    Last edited by Vrikrar; 27th April 2010 at 05:23 AM.

  2. #2
    Bug types R neat! Vrikrar's Avatar
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    Default Re: Vrikrar Episode 1-*Requires grading*

    This is my first story, so I hope it's good. I'm not good at counting characters, so I'm not sure about length.

    Helpfull criticism from non-graders is welcome, but I'd prefer to see it after the grade. :)


    On a side note, as this is my first story, I wanted to introduce myself, and Quel a little more than was needed. Our descriptions/Quel's backstory will be significantly less in subsiquent stories

    A big Thanks to Akinai for the character count-8,726(with spaces)

  3. #3
    Prince of All Blazikens! Magikchicken's Avatar
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    Default Re: Vrikrar Episode 1-*Requires grading*

    Introduction, Characters, Backstory:The dream-sequence intro is amusing, even though it doesn't really contribute anything to the plot, and you proceed to explain perfectly adequately that your character is a researcher in Professor Birch's lab, as well as describe your character very well.


    Plot Content, Plot Flow:The plotline is easy to understand and follow, and at no point is it unclear where your character and Quel are, or why they're there. It's a simple plot, but a complex one would be more likely to get in the way than to help, given that the story is aimed at catching a Simple-rated Pokémon.
    There's really not much more to say-- good job.


    Grammar, Sentence Flow:No errors leapt out at me, and as far as I can tell without going through your story with a fine-toothed comb, there are no problems at all with your spelling and grammar. Sentence flow is nice, with no sentences being noticeably too long or too short.


    Detail, Description:This was a strong point, and makes me extremely happy, especially given that this is your first story(!). Not only are your character and his Pokémon described smoothly and with detail (as in, the description covers just about everything and seems to occur 'naturally' amidst the narrative,) but each new location (with the possible exception of Littleroot Town and the Lab) is extensively described, painting a vibrant picture that prevents the reader from ever needing to ask, "But what does the place look like?"
    Many writers, veterans and beginners alike, forget that the reader doesn't have the mental picture that's so clear in the author's mind, and thus forget to add enough detail to paint that picture adequately... So it's a very good sign that you didn't forget this.
    Also, your comments in the follow-up post? The ones that say you'll cut back on the description/backstory? Don't change it! xD Maybe you can make it shorter using a summary, as in "I adjusted my goggles, which were bright green and built to resemble Quel, then ran my fingers through my medium-length, messy black hair..." But don't get rid of it. I end up having to correct people time and time again because they allow their character to remain a giant question mark in the reader's mind, and it's refreshing to see someone who passes that particular test with flying colours. ^_^


    Battles:Like the rest of your story, your battle has the perfect amount of necessary descriptiveness, as well as being innovative and realistic (as opposed to looking like a series of battle messages from the games.) What can I say? It was fun to read.


    Overall:This story... is simply impressive, overall. Obviously, for a higher difficulty level it would need a longer plotline to boost that character count, but just over 8,000 characters is a good, respectable amount for a Simple story. I actually can't find anything to criticize, which is a sign that you, my good sir, will likely be going places soon. ^_^
    Try a harder story next time, I think you need a challenge! When you do write another one, I look forward to seeing it.


    Result:
    Nincada: Caught.
    Last edited by Magikchicken; 2nd May 2010 at 12:39 PM.
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