Victorious

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Thread: Victorious

  1. #1
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    Default Victorious

    (Hi, so I'm clearing all of my stories out for personal reasons. I have copies on my hard drive if, for legal reasons, I'm not allowed to do this, but otherwise I'd prefer for this old shame to die old shame. ._.)
    Last edited by Lurking; 2nd August 2013 at 01:27 AM.

  2. #2
    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
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    Default Re: Victorious

    If I like it you get the mon, if not...
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis



  3. #3
    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
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    Default Re: Victorious

    Plot/Introduction:

    Introduction ~ Excellent introduction here except for the first sentence which threw me off. Other than that, you have a solid opening to the story. The detail in the second paragraph provides the reader with a view of who the Pokemon is. You thrust the reader into a suspenseful opening scene that catches the attention of the reader. That suspenseful atmosphere was kept solid throughout the story, I wasn’t quite sure what was going to happen next, and that kept me on the edge of my seat.

    Overall: nothing negative to say here.

    Plot ~ Let’s be honest you didn’t really have one. That does not mean it’s a bad thing. Because you are going for such a low ranking mon you don’t really need an extensive plot. Your story was more like a snapshot of something happening in the tiniest of margins.

    Even though it was a snapshot you managed to extend the entire thing out without making it boring, redundant and a pain to read. You accomplished this by using extensive detail and the thoughts of the Ninetails. I still very much enjoyed it though, because at the end I was completely surprised by the outcome. I honestly was expecting the flight or fight that you kept reiterating throughout the tale. Your ending was a harsh outcome in a harsh story, but it fit with the overall theme of the story. That sense of longing, fear, and confusion was imbedded in the words you chose to use and how you placed them.

    All that being said I would have liked to see a few things. It would have been nice to know why the humans were hunting the Ninetails in the first place. It could have been because she killed the Mareep or because they just went fox hunting. This part is important because it sets up why everything is happening in the first case. Remember to think about the catalyst for future stories.

    My second thing. I would have liked to see something about an epilogue. I understand why you wanted to end the story at that dark note, but I think by adding an epilogue at the end about whether the Ninetails escaped with her life or died would have added that little bit extra to the tale.


    Grammar: No problems except two here, your prose was excellent if you were wondering.

    The hunting howls that ring in the night chill at her blood as she runs.
    ~ This sentence confuses me at chill, so either you are missing some words or put the some wrong words in. I spotted a couple of these, where words were missing.


    Detail:

    You had abundant detail and vivid images in this story. Each one was excellent and added something to the story. But you have to be careful when you write stories like this because you can sometimes wander into the field of too much detail.
    The loam of the forest gives out beneath her paws and slowly morphs into crumbled and shaking rocks, until the fires can no longer catch on the grass that doesn’t grow on the large, dark boulders. [The pink pads of her feet are hardened already from years of hardship, and she feels no pain even as shards of rock dig in to the undersides of her paws.] Her tails flick again in annoyance, and her yellow-tan ears twitch. For a moment, there is silence—the crackling of the smoke and flames has faded since she is no longer carving a burning swath through the forest.
    While you didn’t have too much detail you did come close a couple of times and I have en example above. The bracketed part is one sentence in that paragraph where I think you were borderline. you already said her feet were hardened, by adding the part after that it becomes redundant information and detail we already know.

    The one other problem I had with the detail is concerning the Vulpix. You used different words to describe the Pokemon, this is fine but I think you created too much of a color range in your word choice.

    Her breathing slows as she watches her cubs, curled together in tiny auburn balls of fluff.
    The other cubs are quick to swarm around her, and soon she is surrounded by a sea of dark red fur.
    When you described the Pokemon you never once mentioned dark red fur, only brown and auburn. You have to be careful about keeping the color spectrum consistent.

    All I have to say at this part, good job again.


    Length: Mareep


    Overall: Despite some of my comments above you have a grade A story here. You would only need to consider a few things for future attempts. Captured. Have fun with the dead guy.

    @Kai-Mei
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis



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