Thread: URPG Stories Chat and Feedback

Originally Posted by evanfardreamer

When I say busy, I mean that I have 8 hours a day at work, and an hour commute to and from; with the other things I do, it doesn't give me any stretches of time to use which are long enough to sit down and pick through stories. However, I can easily print off a story I claim, mark it in pen on the bus rides, compose things on the back, and when I have 20 minutes free at work, or at home, I can type it all up and post it.

It's not necessarily that I don't have the time to do the grading, I just don't have the time to sort through the posts; Sorocoto's list helps me solve that problem.

THAT explains a lot. I still don't see why you can't look through some stories and find one; but it doesn't make it faster. My pet-peeve is that it allows someone to abuse it and become a little lazier, and no one wants lazy graders, the list is still an 'iffy' kind of thing. As long as it works it's okay. But from my original post it's a little questionable. They way evan chooses his grades if someone were to edit their last post to fix up some spelling/grammar or whatnot then they get pushed back by a few other stories. That doesn't seam right, and was why I brought it up in the first place. It's happened before and seams a little wrong, and if it's just looking at the story, setting its date and leaving it as is. Which should be a small change if any.

I don't imagine soro goes through his list for stories he's already marked as ready to grade to update the date they were put in the list; but really, it comes down to a grader using their discretion as to which stories they grade. If a serious problem arises, or a grader consistently has something questionable, I imagine our head grader or one of his aides will contact us directly, and discreetly, to try and resolve it.

If a new story indicates itself that it is ready for grading, it goes up on the list, if it doesn't say anything along the lines of the sort, it doesn't go up on the list. Once the story is edited or has a new post that says that it is ready for grading, then it goes on the list, and I used that date. I considered having a "in process" section, but was advised against it by other graders.

I made a feedback/mock grading for the story "Dreams from the Future!" Would I post that here. Or should you not feedback for stories that didn't ask?

Originally Posted by Spirit

I made a feedback/mock grading for the story "Dreams from the Future!" Would I post that here. Or should you not feedback for stories that didn't ask?

You could always do it here, don't feedback on the actual thread if they didn't specifically ask for them. If you're still not sure, message them.

Pikaclub - "Dreams from the Future"

Introduction and Character Development: The introduction is a little confusing. You have a theme of dreams but I don’t know how they relate to the rest of the story. I also think that adding more development in Calum’s personality and his relationship with Houndour would be very helpful. When you have clear character the actions they choose to take also will become clearer. It becomes easier to write also, because you can see and explain everything better. I want to know what kind of trainer Calum is. Is he kind to Pokémon or more of a general? Does his Houndour love him, respect him, hate him, or follow his orders because his doesn’t care about the situation either way?

Plot: It has an interesting complex. I liked the basic story of a trainer challenged by team rocket in a cave and the commotion attracts a Diglett. The problem actually comes from the use of too much plot. There are just too many things going on. The trainer battles too many trainers and seems to be unfocused. Good job on the ideas, but try to focus your ideas and elaborate on them.

Dialogue: The dialogue needs more feeling. Like when Calum meets the trainer, the trainer says:

“My name is Greg! Let's battle!"

The character needs to show emotion. He could be adversarial, or friendly. Such as: “Hey there! I’m Greg. I always enjoy meeting a new trainer. Making friends is swell! Good golly, want to battle?” In 100 characters Greg is given depth. You see him as nice and wholesome. You could imagine him as a “Rich Boy”. He is friendly and you could see the two becoming friendly rivals. Or during one of the battles you write:

"Use Crunch on Mime Jr., Houndour!" Calum exclaimed.

You could add dialogue: “Okay Houndour, we can win this if we stick together. Use crunch. The dark attack power is very effective on Mime Jr. but be careful not to get too close.” We don’t necessarily learn anything but it is more interesting to read.

Detail: Description was lacking even for a simple level capture. The story was somewhat bland and consisted of stating what they were going to do. The next sentence was sometimes a ver batim repeat of this. Like here:

Now Houndour, use Nasty Plot! … Houndour used Nasty Plot.

There should be more description. Explain how Houndour looks when he attacks. Make it more pressing and important that Houndour’s attack hit. You need to engage the trainer more.

Example of description in a battle:

Originally Posted by Spirit

Houndour you have to fight back. Mime Jr. may try to slap you when you get close but you have to stay strong. Houndour use your flamethrower to attack from a safe distance.”
Mime Jr. dances along the dusty ground taunting Houndour coyly. Houndour’s teeth glisten as his lips curl away revealing the sharp weapons underneath. Houndour lets out a snarl and scratches the earth in anger. He plants his paws against the ground in preparation for the backlash of his coming attack. Houndour opens his jaw and summons the fire from deep within. The hair on the back of his neck stands on end as the fire begins to eject from his mouth. Mime Jr.’s smile fades as he must dodge the fierce blaze. For the first time in the battle Mime Jr. stumbles. His dance becomes sporadic and he trips.

Calum realizes that this is the moment to attack. Calum calls out, “Houndour, aim at Mime Jr. now!
Houndour turns his head toward Mime Jr. allowing the flames to engulf the fallen Pokémon.
Mime Jr. tries to call fourth a light screen in defense. A weak force field forms but it quickly flickers away.
Mime Jr. is left unconscious when the fire finally dissipates.

Characters: 939
Moves used: 1

Your Battle with Diglett:
Characters: 970
Moves used: 6

With more description you could right 5,000 characters out of just the battle with Diglett. This would be a quality battle. The graders aren’t looking for Shakespeare, at least not in a simple story. But good description is the key to a strong story.

Length: While the length is above the minimum I’m still not sure the capture will take. The minimum is more for a story that is well formed and ready for publishing as my old English teacher would have said. Your story needs to be lengthened through description. With more description the story can a actually be shorter (have less events) but take up more characters. Though, a story should never be about taking up as many characters as possible. The reader can tell and it leads to an uninteresting story. If repetitiveness was all taken out I suspect your story would be below the minimum.

There were also awkward sentences that seemed there mostly to lengthen the story while not adding any new ideas.

Example:

He had had a dream showing his Houndour battling a Diglett.

The wording is confusing and hard to follow. It might have been a typo that there are two “had”s. If it was though, a simple read through would have fixed it.
Later you repeat:

Calum had been having different dreams of his pokemon battling other wild pokemon and trainer's pokemon.

He had been dreaming of Houndour battling is repeated though it was already established in the sentence before.
The beginning of the story could be shortened to two sentences:
Calum awoke in his tent after dreaming about his Houndour battling wild and trained Pokémon. He seemed to remember a Diglett specifically.

It may seem weird that I tell you to shorten and lengthen the story. The thing is that every sentence must add something new to the story.

He whistled loudly to his Pokémon, Houndour. ‘Houndour!’Calum shouted.’Come here! We're going to go now!’

You write Houndour and then immediately follow with the same word in the dialogue. This repetition is unnecessary and distracting. And the wording could be changed to cut down length and increase understandability. “Going to go” is also useless repetition since they are the same verb.

Rewrite: Calum whistled loudly at his Pokémon and shouted, “Houndour, come here. We’re going now!”


Personal Feelings/Mock Grade: In order to improve you writing skills I challenge you to write 1,000 characters describing the exchange of one move each between Houndour and Diglett. If I was grading your story, I think I would ask this of you in order to approve the capture.

I want you to know I am really trying to help and not offend your writing.

If I were to advise a full rework of this story, I would say to cut the portion before he enters the tunnel. Or even to cut out everything but the Diglett battle. Adding intense description to just the Diglett battle and adding a little background story and a reason for being in the tunnel would be ideal.

I think with a little work you have the makings of a good writer.

Edit: If you wanted to take this challenge or even half of it. I would be glad to take samples over pm to give you ideas. I'm not saying I'm the best writer out there, but I can definitely get you started in the right direction.

Edit(2): I have question about the story "The Little Burmy". Is it ready for a grade? Because it is on the list but has no capture. Can you catch a Pokemon this way?

Originally Posted by Spirit

Introduction and Character Development: The introduction is a little confusing. You have a theme of dreams but I don’t know how they relate to the rest of the story. I also think that adding more development in Calum’s personality and his relationship with Houndour would be very helpful. When you have clear character the actions they choose to take also will become clearer. It becomes easier to write also, because you can see and explain everything better. I want to know what kind of trainer Calum is. Is he kind to Pokémon or more of a general? Does his Houndour love him, respect him, hate him, or follow his orders because his doesn’t care about the situation either way?

Plot: It has an interesting complex. I liked the basic story of a trainer challenged by team rocket in a cave and the commotion attracts a Diglett. The problem actually comes from the use of too much plot. There are just too many things going on. The trainer battles too many trainers and seems to be unfocused. Good job on the ideas, but try to focus your ideas and elaborate on them.

Dialogue: The dialogue needs more feeling. Like when Calum meets the trainer, the trainer says:

The character needs to show emotion. He could be adversarial, or friendly. Such as: “Hey there! I’m Greg. I always enjoy meeting a new trainer. Making friends is swell! Good golly, want to battle?” In 100 characters Greg is given depth. You see him as nice and wholesome. You could imagine him as a “Rich Boy”. He is friendly and you could see the two becoming friendly rivals. Or during one of the battles you write:

You could add dialogue: “Okay Houndour, we can win this if we stick together. Use crunch. The dark attack power is very effective on Mime Jr. but be careful not to get too close.” We don’t necessarily learn anything but it is more interesting to read.

Detail: Description was lacking even for a simple level capture. The story was somewhat bland and consisted of stating what they were going to do. The next sentence was sometimes a ver batim repeat of this. Like here:

There should be more description. Explain how Houndour looks when he attacks. Make it more pressing and important that Houndour’s attack hit. You need to engage the trainer more.

Example of description in a battle:



Characters: 939
Moves used: 1

Your Battle with Diglett:
Characters: 970
Moves used: 6

With more description you could right 5,000 characters out of just the battle with Diglett. This would be a quality battle. The graders aren’t looking for Shakespeare, at least not in a simple story. But good description is the key to a strong story.

Length: While the length is above the minimum I’m still not sure the capture will take. The minimum is more for a story that is well formed and ready for publishing as my old English teacher would have said. Your story needs to be lengthened through description. With more description the story can a actually be shorter (have less events) but take up more characters. Though, a story should never be about taking up as many characters as possible. The reader can tell and it leads to an uninteresting story. If repetitiveness was all taken out I suspect your story would be below the minimum.

There were also awkward sentences that seemed there mostly to lengthen the story while not adding any new ideas.

Example:

The wording is confusing and hard to follow. It might have been a typo that there are two “had”s. If it was though, a simple read through would have fixed it.
Later you repeat:

He had been dreaming of Houndour battling is repeated though it was already established in the sentence before.
The beginning of the story could be shortened to two sentences:
Calum awoke in his tent after dreaming about his Houndour battling wild and trained Pokémon. He seemed to remember a Diglett specifically.

It may seem weird that I tell you to shorten and lengthen the story. The thing is that every sentence must add something new to the story.



You write Houndour and then immediately follow with the same word in the dialogue. This repetition is unnecessary and distracting. And the wording could be changed to cut down length and increase understandability. “Going to go” is also useless repetition since they are the same verb.

Rewrite: Calum whistled loudly at his Pokémon and shouted, “Houndour, come here. We’re going now!”


Personal Feelings/Mock Grade: In order to improve you writing skills I challenge you to write 1,000 characters describing the exchange of one move each between Houndour and Diglett. If I was grading your story, I think I would ask this of you in order to approve the capture.

I want you to know I am really trying to help and not offend your writing.

If I were to advise a full rework of this story, I would say to cut the portion before he enters the tunnel. Or even to cut out everything but the Diglett battle. Adding intense description to just the Diglett battle and adding a little background story and a reason for being in the tunnel would be ideal.

I think with a little work you have the makings of a good writer.

Edit: If you wanted to take this challenge or even half of it. I would be glad to take samples over pm to give you ideas. I'm not saying I'm the best writer out there, but I can definitely get you started in the right direction.

Edit(2): I have question about the story "The Little Burmy". Is it ready for a grade? Because it is on the list but has no capture. Can you catch a Pokemon this way?

Some advice. Put the story title on there. The review is fine and all, but I have no idea who it belongs to. And my story is finished and ready. From my understanding, you don't have to physically capture the mon. That wouldn't go well with some stories. For example, it would feel out of place if I suddenly had the Burmy get caught in my story.

Originally Posted by Neonsands

From my understanding, you don't have to physically capture the mon. That wouldn't go well with some stories.

Right, the mon that you intend to put in your stats just have to be mentioned in some way. Just remember, that the mon's involvement has to be on the level of difficulty that is needed. Some ideas that have been used before are: your character befriends the pokemon, your character traded it and had to teach it to trust your character, your character killed the pokemon. So don't be afraid to be creative!

Originally Posted by Spirit

I made a feedback/mock grading for the story "Dreams from the Future!" Would I post that here. Or should you not feedback for stories that didn't ask?

Sorry I said it here but forgot to write it in the actual post.

My review thing is about PikaClub's "Dream's from the Future"

And sorocoroto, In the story Neonsands writes a story about a Burmy's fight with a Bibarel. So there doesn't have to be any trainer/pokemon interaction for a capture. It can just be a Burmy's adventure for the capture?

Originally Posted by Spirit

And sorocoroto, In the story Neonsands writes a story about a Burmy's fight with a Bibarel. So there doesn't have to be any trainer/pokemon interaction for a capture. It can just be a Burmy's adventure for the capture?

Right, the world of your story doesn't have to have trainers or occur on the Pokemon planet as we know it. As long as the reader can tell it is a Pokemon. You can do a Mystery Dungeon type story or even crossover stories with things like Pikmin (I'm totally recommending people read Pikmon).

Originally Posted by sorocoroto

Right, the mon that you intend to put in your stats just have to be mentioned in some way. Just remember, that the mon's involvement has to be on the level of difficulty that is needed. Some ideas that have been used before are: your character befriends the pokemon, your character traded it and had to teach it to trust your character, your character killed the pokemon. So don't be afraid to be creative!

I thrive on this rule >:]

Are Story Collaborations allowed? Say myself and another member each wanted a Pokemoon. Can we write a story for said Pokemon?

Originally Posted by MagicTricksKill

Are Story Collaborations allowed? Say myself and another member each wanted a Pokemoon. Can we write a story for said Pokemon?

Yea, but both of you have to post and there has to be two of the pokemon you want. (like if you both wanted growlithe who is a medium mon [10k-20k characters] then you need a 20k-40k character story)

Originally Posted by Zombie Muse

Yea, but both of you have to post and there has to be two of the pokemon you want. (like if you both wanted growlithe who is a medium mon [10k-20k characters] then you need a 20k-40k character story)

Can't it be written for two different Pokemon, and just have one of each? Or can they only work for the same 'mon?

Originally Posted by evanfardreamer

Can't it be written for two different Pokemon, and just have one of each? Or can they only work for the same 'mon?

My guess is the mon of the same catagory. Like they can write for growlithe and vulpix and one gets growlithe and the other, vulpix.