Last edited by Zombie Muse; 20th July 2010 at 07:16 PM.
I don't imagine soro goes through his list for stories he's already marked as ready to grade to update the date they were put in the list; but really, it comes down to a grader using their discretion as to which stories they grade. If a serious problem arises, or a grader consistently has something questionable, I imagine our head grader or one of his aides will contact us directly, and discreetly, to try and resolve it.
If a new story indicates itself that it is ready for grading, it goes up on the list, if it doesn't say anything along the lines of the sort, it doesn't go up on the list. Once the story is edited or has a new post that says that it is ready for grading, then it goes on the list, and I used that date. I considered having a "in process" section, but was advised against it by other graders.
I made a feedback/mock grading for the story "Dreams from the Future!" Would I post that here. Or should you not feedback for stories that didn't ask?
Pikaclub - "Dreams from the Future"
Introduction and Character Development: The introduction is a little confusing. You have a theme of dreams but I don’t know how they relate to the rest of the story. I also think that adding more development in Calum’s personality and his relationship with Houndour would be very helpful. When you have clear character the actions they choose to take also will become clearer. It becomes easier to write also, because you can see and explain everything better. I want to know what kind of trainer Calum is. Is he kind to Pokémon or more of a general? Does his Houndour love him, respect him, hate him, or follow his orders because his doesn’t care about the situation either way?
Plot: It has an interesting complex. I liked the basic story of a trainer challenged by team rocket in a cave and the commotion attracts a Diglett. The problem actually comes from the use of too much plot. There are just too many things going on. The trainer battles too many trainers and seems to be unfocused. Good job on the ideas, but try to focus your ideas and elaborate on them.
Dialogue: The dialogue needs more feeling. Like when Calum meets the trainer, the trainer says:
The character needs to show emotion. He could be adversarial, or friendly. Such as: “Hey there! I’m Greg. I always enjoy meeting a new trainer. Making friends is swell! Good golly, want to battle?” In 100 characters Greg is given depth. You see him as nice and wholesome. You could imagine him as a “Rich Boy”. He is friendly and you could see the two becoming friendly rivals. Or during one of the battles you write:“My name is Greg! Let's battle!"
You could add dialogue: “Okay Houndour, we can win this if we stick together. Use crunch. The dark attack power is very effective on Mime Jr. but be careful not to get too close.” We don’t necessarily learn anything but it is more interesting to read."Use Crunch on Mime Jr., Houndour!" Calum exclaimed.
Detail: Description was lacking even for a simple level capture. The story was somewhat bland and consisted of stating what they were going to do. The next sentence was sometimes a ver batim repeat of this. Like here:
There should be more description. Explain how Houndour looks when he attacks. Make it more pressing and important that Houndour’s attack hit. You need to engage the trainer more.Now Houndour, use Nasty Plot! … Houndour used Nasty Plot.
Example of description in a battle:
Characters: 939Originally Posted by Spirit
Moves used: 1
Your Battle with Diglett:
Moves used: 6
With more description you could right 5,000 characters out of just the battle with Diglett. This would be a quality battle. The graders aren’t looking for Shakespeare, at least not in a simple story. But good description is the key to a strong story.
Length: While the length is above the minimum I’m still not sure the capture will take. The minimum is more for a story that is well formed and ready for publishing as my old English teacher would have said. Your story needs to be lengthened through description. With more description the story can a actually be shorter (have less events) but take up more characters. Though, a story should never be about taking up as many characters as possible. The reader can tell and it leads to an uninteresting story. If repetitiveness was all taken out I suspect your story would be below the minimum.
There were also awkward sentences that seemed there mostly to lengthen the story while not adding any new ideas.
The wording is confusing and hard to follow. It might have been a typo that there are two “had”s. If it was though, a simple read through would have fixed it.He had had a dream showing his Houndour battling a Diglett.
Later you repeat:
He had been dreaming of Houndour battling is repeated though it was already established in the sentence before.Calum had been having different dreams of his pokemon battling other wild pokemon and trainer's pokemon.
The beginning of the story could be shortened to two sentences:
Calum awoke in his tent after dreaming about his Houndour battling wild and trained Pokémon. He seemed to remember a Diglett specifically.
It may seem weird that I tell you to shorten and lengthen the story. The thing is that every sentence must add something new to the story.
You write Houndour and then immediately follow with the same word in the dialogue. This repetition is unnecessary and distracting. And the wording could be changed to cut down length and increase understandability. “Going to go” is also useless repetition since they are the same verb.He whistled loudly to his Pokémon, Houndour. ‘Houndour!’Calum shouted.’Come here! We're going to go now!’
Rewrite: Calum whistled loudly at his Pokémon and shouted, “Houndour, come here. We’re going now!”
Personal Feelings/Mock Grade: In order to improve you writing skills I challenge you to write 1,000 characters describing the exchange of one move each between Houndour and Diglett. If I was grading your story, I think I would ask this of you in order to approve the capture.
I want you to know I am really trying to help and not offend your writing.
If I were to advise a full rework of this story, I would say to cut the portion before he enters the tunnel. Or even to cut out everything but the Diglett battle. Adding intense description to just the Diglett battle and adding a little background story and a reason for being in the tunnel would be ideal.
I think with a little work you have the makings of a good writer.
Edit: If you wanted to take this challenge or even half of it. I would be glad to take samples over pm to give you ideas. I'm not saying I'm the best writer out there, but I can definitely get you started in the right direction.
Edit(2): I have question about the story "The Little Burmy". Is it ready for a grade? Because it is on the list but has no capture. Can you catch a Pokemon this way?
Last edited by Spirit (Roze); 21st July 2010 at 01:43 PM.
My review thing is about PikaClub's "Dream's from the Future"
And sorocoroto, In the story Neonsands writes a story about a Burmy's fight with a Bibarel. So there doesn't have to be any trainer/pokemon interaction for a capture. It can just be a Burmy's adventure for the capture?
Are Story Collaborations allowed? Say myself and another member each wanted a Pokemoon. Can we write a story for said Pokemon?
~"Darkness is the hearts true essence!"~
~"I know now, without a doubt, Kingdom hearts, is light!"~