Thread: URPG Stories Chat and Feedback

Well, folks, as you can probably tell, we could use some more graders, so I'd just like to point out that, if you're interested in becoming one, then you should read this thread to learn how.

I'm still waiting for a grader, but until then, just wondering if anyone is interesting in reading this:

Drive! vs. Sneasel

Its my first story here, and I'm not sure if I did it justice or not. Can anyone spare two cents?

Originally Posted by Fallen_Vanguard

I'm still waiting for a grader, but until then, just wondering if anyone is interesting in reading this:

Drive! vs. Sneasel

Its my first story here, and I'm not sure if I did it justice or not. Can anyone spare two cents?

Ill give it a go

Great stuff, thanks.

Drive! vs. Sneasel review



Story and Plot

The story was original, staying from the normal "See, battle, catch" story. However the story was pretty much just the encounter and not much else.

It was kinda similar to many cliche plot lines because of that Im afraid.


Description

I loved your desciption in the beginning

Originally Posted by you

I wasn't bothered too much by the wet or cold, or by the white flakes that fell from the infinitely long, slate grey blanket above.

That was just amazing

However after the beginning, your description changed from locational to character description and situational description. You need to stay consistant, or else the audience forgets the great description of the frozen area in the middle of the story.

Grammer

Not much to complain about here

Originally Posted by you

Kaname's light blue fur bristled, and he let out a deep, threatening growl from the back of his throat as I turned on my heel to see my attacker. It was a short, bipedal mammal with two sharp, white claws on each paw, thin black fur, and a red feather jutting out from the back of one if it's ears, three similar feathers serving as tails above its rump.

This sentence is a run-on. Change ears, three to ears along with three. Better yet make it two sentences.

Originally Posted by you

The most likely reason.....

Change that to "The most probable reason.....

There were a few typos here and there, so run it through a spellchecker.

Length:

Unfortunately, Swinub is a medium pokemon, which needs AT A MINIMUM 10K characters. WITH SPACES yours only has 9300. Lengthen it a bit.


Battle

The Battle was very descriptive, very rare for a first story. However it was also very one sided. You gave plenty of room for the sneasel to play a fast one with Swinub, but you never took advantage of it. He could, say, threaten the swinub, which would prompt the main character to really think on his feet! That would make the battle seem like less of a DS battle, yah know?


Verdict:
In my opinion Swinub not Captured. This is ONLY because of the length of the story. Add, say, 3000 characters to the story? Be sure to put them in the battle, where the story really needs them.

Thanks, but Sneasel wasn't the target Pokemon. It was defeated, but not captured. Still, thank you, I'll edit those few things as soon as I can.

P.S: While that was my first story HERE, it was not my first time writing fiction.

Originally Posted by Fallen_Vanguard

Thanks, but Sneasel wasn't the target Pokemon.

Yah I know, it was a typo and I fixed, but swinub is still a medium requiring 10k

I know that as well. I edited a bit, but I'm busy, so most of the editing will have to wait. I don't think I have 10K yet, but I'm closer.

Hey guys, this is still waiting to be graded, but like Fallen_Vanguard I was wondering if anyone could beat into me with some constructive crit?

On a Wing and a Prayer!

Originally Posted by RouRouRou

Hey guys, this is still waiting to be graded, but like Fallen_Vanguard I was wondering if anyone could beat into me with some constructive crit?

On a Wing and a Prayer!

Well at a glance, your first two paragraphs are way too big. Try and seperate them into smaller paragraphs so they are easier to read. Second of all, your dialogue needs to be seperate into seperate paragraphs instead of being clumped together with the detail.

- Kat

Originally Posted by Phantom Kat

Well at a glance, your first two paragraphs are way too big. Try and seperate them into smaller paragraphs so they are easier to read. Second of all, your dialogue needs to be seperate into seperate paragraphs instead of being clumped together with the detail.

- Kat

Thanks for that, it was something I didnt even notice. Anything else?

Originally Posted by RouRouRou

Thanks for that, it was something I didnt even notice. Anything else?

Describing the Pokemon would be a good idea. Like I said in a grade I just finished posting, most people cannot recall a perfect picture of every Pokemon off the top of their head. Describing a Pokemon, even by a bit, helps the reader visualize what's going on better. Of course, the better the description, the clearer the picture will be.

- Kat

Sorry for the double post, but I'm here to remind everybody:

Do not post in another author's story, please. Even if you are just posting to say the story is not up to standards, do not post; VM/PM them instead. If the author asks for comments, PM them your comments. Only graders and the author are allowed to post in story threads.

- Kat

Originally Posted by Phantom Kat

Sorry for the double post, but I'm here to remind everybody:

Do not post in another author's story, please. Even if you are just posting to say the story is not up to standards, do not post; VM/PM them instead. If the author asks for comments, PM them your comments. Only graders and the author are allowed to post in story threads.

- Kat

This is in the first post on these boards. Like, the first sentence.
Perhaps it should also be in big, red letters. :)

I would be interested in becoming a grader. Is there a process to go through?

Also, I read that we can't write stories to evovle Pokemon. But could we have an evolution occur and still catch a Pokemon at the end?