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  1. #61
    WhatWasOnceIsNoLongerWere Phantom Kat's Avatar
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    Default Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

    If anybody is interested, I have put my story, "Until Death," as an example. It won me the Winter Writing Competition '08, and it also shows a non-conventional way of "capturing" the Pokemon at the end. It's sort of an example that the Pokemon don't have to be captured in a Poke Ball or some contraption.

    Here: Example: Until Death

    Also, I'll be grading some stories tomorrow. :3

    - Kat


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  2. #62
    Registered User Joshy's Avatar
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    Default Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

    As much as I love Deadpool-esque fourth wall breaking, I do have to agree it doesn't seem very appropriate here. Perhaps, however, you could break the fourth wall in the sense that you mention this being a story, however I wouldn't let your characters do that, just the narrator.

    I don't really have much to add to what Senzura said, other than that it would be a nice story to read once it's cleaned up ;)

    Also, I would refrain from referencing God. Perhaps 'some act of Arceus' would fit better?

    And, as a final note, I would also refrain from YouTube links in the stories. They just look a bit messy, is all.

    EDIT: This isn't about Kat's, it's about Kris' :P

  3. #63
    I'm back <3 Coasting Wingull's Avatar
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    Default Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

    Quote Originally Posted by Phantom Kat View Post
    If anybody is interested, I have put my story, "Until Death," as an example. It won me the Winter Writing Competition '08, and it also shows a non-conventional way of "capturing" the Pokemon at the end. It's sort of an example that the Pokemon don't have to be captured in a Poke Ball or some contraption.

    Here: Example: Until Death

    Also, I'll be grading some stories tomorrow. :3

    - Kat
    Glad youll be grading ill have my up tommorow. Hahaha
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  4. #64
    Registered User Joshy's Avatar
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    Default Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

    Also, I was wondering if I could please have a few comments on my piece:
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  5. #65
    WhatWasOnceIsNoLongerWere Phantom Kat's Avatar
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    Default Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

    Quote Originally Posted by Joshy View Post
    As much as I love Deadpool-esque fourth wall breaking, I do have to agree it doesn't seem very appropriate here. Perhaps, however, you could break the fourth wall in the sense that you mention this being a story, however I wouldn't let your characters do that, just the narrator.

    I don't really have much to add to what Senzura said, other than that it would be a nice story to read once it's cleaned up ;)

    Also, I would refrain from referencing God. Perhaps 'some act of Arceus' would fit better?

    And, as a final note, I would also refrain from YouTube links in the stories. They just look a bit messy, is all.

    EDIT: This isn't about Kat's, it's about Kris' :P
    I agree about the youtube links in the story. ^^; It seems unprofessional or, someone could argue, lazyness for using a video to set the mood of the scene instead of description or dialogue. It's sort of like an author posting a picture of their characater instead of actually describing the character. However, there's nothing wrong with posting some music links before or after the story and say, "Hey, readers! Listening to this music can really set the mood for the chapter/story!"

    The "God" thing, in my opinion, it's personal preference. I personally have fun writing things like, "Oh, Mew..." "By Arceus' mane!" or something like that. xDDD

    - Kat


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  6. #66
    bad wolf Scourge of Nemo's Avatar
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    Default Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

    Quote Originally Posted by Phantom Kat View Post
    If anybody is interested, I have put my story, "Until Death," as an example. It won me the Winter Writing Competition '08, and it also shows a non-conventional way of "capturing" the Pokemon at the end. It's sort of an example that the Pokemon don't have to be captured in a Poke Ball or some contraption.

    Here: Example: Until Death

    Also, I'll be grading some stories tomorrow. :3

    - Kat
    Ah, I remember enjoying this one. <3 I probably should have remembered to put it up with the first batch.
    Last edited by Scourge of Nemo; 17th April 2010 at 11:02 PM. Reason: I forgot a sentence
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  7. #67
    Chocolate Bear Galleon's Avatar
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    Default Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

    Guess I'll remind everybody to please give graders at least one week before you request a grade for your story in this thread. Otherwise it'll get all cluttered 'n junk in here.

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  8. #68
    Insanity is the one truth Senzura's Avatar
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    Default Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

    Could some users give me some feedback on this random story I just came up with?

    http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/f396/lovers-quarrel-%5Bready-grade%5D-59684/#post1534567

    Im not asking for a grade just so you know Galleon =)


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  9. #69
    Chocolate Bear Galleon's Avatar
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    Default Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

    Quote Originally Posted by Senzura View Post
    Could some users give me some feedback on this random story I just came up with?

    http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/showthread.php?p=1534567#post1534567

    Im not asking for a grade just so you know Galleon =)
    That's good. OTHERWISE I'DA HAD TO DO SOMETHING DRASTIC.

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  10. #70
    Registered User Joshy's Avatar
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    Default Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

    Quote Originally Posted by Galleon View Post

    That's good. OTHERWISE I'DA HAD TO DO SOMETHING DRASTIC.
    Would you say it'd be a...
    *takes off sunglasses*
    ...Grade A punishment?

    YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH
    [/CSI Miami]

    However, there's nothing wrong with posting some music links before or after the story and say, "Hey, readers! Listening to this music can really set the mood for the chapter/story!"
    Actually, that's a very good point. Maybe not for all stories, but it does seem like it could add another layer of depth. It shouldn't replace descriptions, though, of course.

    Could some users give me some feedback on this random story I just came up with?
    Okay, Senzura, here's my comments:

    It's a nice story, and with a few touchups would be brilliant!

    However, there quite a few spelling and grammatical errors in the story, as evidenced predominantly by the line: "apparently couldn’t taje the sight apparently." Additionally, I found it hard to understand the father sometimes, and the use of the word 'retarded' as an insult to the town just felt a little misguided. Perhaps 'backwards' would have been a better, less offending word. Also, the final line: "I was just as surprised," doesn't have a full stop nor an exclamation point, and it doesn't specify as to what Harrison was surprised 'as.' Surprised as what?

    And, a final small thing, you used the word 'Kitten,' however I don't think kittens exist in the Pokemon world. They might, though, as worms exist in the anime, but I just thought I'd point it out.

    Anyway, it's a nice idea for a story, but work needs to be put into the grammar, sorry. I'd love to read it when fixed. ;)
    Last edited by Joshy; 18th April 2010 at 12:48 AM.

  11. #71
    Dork Nerdlord's Avatar
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    Default Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

    I just put my first one up, I'd like to hear some thoughts. Yes, I started Hard. Good lord 22k characters i more than I thought.
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  12. #72
    Not called Fred. Hoppyfred's Avatar
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    Default Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

    Quote Originally Posted by Senzura View Post
    Okey Hoppryfred I read your story

    I loved the opening, it really let the reader get into the head of Hoppyfred. Unless Im mistaken, you clearly define that he his a very paranoid person. In fact that was one of the best opening Ive ever seen

    But unfortunately, once he woke up, the story became very bland. I mean was there really even a fight? Kid wakes up, pulls out a fishing rod, catches the magicarp. I know its only a magicarp story, but You could of made it a LITTLE more interesting...

    Really you should take it from the forest seen, and make THAT the story, that was really interesting.

    If it wasn't a magicarp: Not caught
    But since its only a magicarp: caught
    Thats MY opinion
    Thanks for the feedback. I wasn't really quite sure how to progress from the opening to be honest into an epic showdown with a Magikarp, if that's even possible :P

    But yeah. The main idea of the introduction was sowing the seeds of Hoppyfred's irrational fears for later adventures (with hopefully some better battles)!


    Quote Originally Posted by Joshy View Post
    Senzura, in a sense I believe some of that was actually intended. It's the first step on his journey, and I felt it really helped us connect. After all, how could a new trainer just expertly capture a magicarp intentionally?

    I really liked it, personally, for a Magicarp story. Because it fitted Magicarp :3
    Cool, thanks also for feedback! And yeah, I really didn't think that a huge titanic struggle with a Magikarp was very fitting :D
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  13. #73
    Registered User Kyta's Avatar
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    Default Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

    It would've been quite amusing, having a titanic battle ;D would've added comedic value, especially as it's a Magikarp lololol.

    ALSO, do we have to say 'Ready for grading' before graders will even consider grading our stories?
    Sup.

  14. #74
    Not called Fred. Hoppyfred's Avatar
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    Default Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

    Quote Originally Posted by Kyta View Post
    It would've been quite amusing, having a titanic battle ;D would've added comedic value, especially as it's a Magikarp lololol.

    ALSO, do we have to say 'Ready for grading' before graders will even consider grading our stories?
    Heh, perhaps. Getting owned by Splash. :)

    Wouldn't really bode well for future adventures though

    And I don't think you have to say 'Read for Grading', but it probably makes it a bit clearer that you want it grading.
    Mine gramerrs r teh awusums.

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  15. #75
    'Lax in lederhosen Elrond 2.0's Avatar
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    Default Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

    Quote Originally Posted by Kyta View Post
    It would've been quite amusing, having a titanic battle ;D would've added comedic value, especially as it's a Magikarp lololol.

    ALSO, do we have to say 'Ready for grading' before graders will even consider grading our stories?
    I generally put Ready for Grading in the title when I've finished a story... although that doesn't happen often. :(

    However, I think it's pretty much up to personal preference.

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