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Thread: URPG Stories Chat and Feedback

  1. #1861
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    Default Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

    Maybe I should read Warrior Cats...

    Tell me, do they compare to Redwall? Now that Brian Jacques has gone to the Dark Forest, may he rest in peace, I figure I should start on something new.
    I grade things for the URPG.

    New experimental grading system. Request a tier after I claim your story:
    Tier I / Basic: A quick verdict and some useful advice without much fuss.
    Tier II / Normal: More in-depth analysis.
    Tier III / Heavy: I WILL TEAR YOUR STORY TO SHREDS AND TAP-DANCE ON THE PIECES

  2. #1862
    bad wolf Scourge of Nemo's Avatar
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    Default Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

    I read them in elementary school, and all I remember is being attracted to the villain of ambiguous alliance. Who was a cat. That actually had the same name as my cat. ...So.
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  3. #1863
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

    Quote Originally Posted by Scourge of Nemo View Post
    I read them in elementary school, and all I remember is being attracted to the villain of ambiguous alliance. Who was a cat. That actually had the same name as my cat. ...So.
    Scourge or Tigerstar? Because if you had a cat named Tigerstar before you read those books....That'd be epic.
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  4. #1864
    bad wolf Scourge of Nemo's Avatar
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    Default Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

    When was Scourge morally ambiguous? o_O No, I have a cat named Tiger.
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  5. #1865
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

    Ohhhhh, I see. Well yeah, Scourge was kitty hitler.....that's SO my new nickname for you.
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  6. #1866
    Anime Disliker Rage Baron's Avatar
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    Default Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

    Could I get some comments on my WIP, That'll Do, Tepig? I feel like there's something from the story so far (besides the rest of the story), so comments would help a lot.
    "'ey, do ya want to play some poke', mon?"

  7. #1867
    Stumped Turtwig A's Avatar Bulbapedia Junior Administrator
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    Default Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

    Hey, I'm wondering if people can check my current focus work in progress: ha, penguins.

    I'm not really the greatest writer, so I'm wondering if it's good for something in the Demanding category so far. I know I'm a Grader, but with my own writing, I can't have accurate advice if I give myself some.

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  8. #1868
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    Default Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

    Guys, I like my Bachuru story. When I post I expect readers D:<

  9. #1869
    bad wolf Scourge of Nemo's Avatar
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    Default Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

    Quote Originally Posted by Black and Yellow View Post
    Hey, I'm wondering if people can check my current focus work in progress: ha, penguins.

    I'm not really the greatest writer, so I'm wondering if it's good for something in the Demanding category so far. I know I'm a Grader, but with my own writing, I can't have accurate advice if I give myself some.
    The concept's looking fantastic. The main thing I'd say, though: since you're going for demanding... you have a really nice flow of thought and idea "description," but when it comes to physical description, you get a little "telly." ie, when the boy wants to keep the Porygon, and you say basically "he's excited" and then have the dialogue that supports that ("Can I keep him? Huh? Huh?")... There's a really good picture there via the dialogue and thoughts. However, you could stand to build a stronger image connection. Instead of saying that he's excited, describe him grinning, or jumping a little, or doing something else that's little-boy-like and excitement-related. That way, you save yourself the word space for "he is excited" and just get straight down to business. The grader'll read it and think that the kid is excited, rather than read it and remember that you said the kid is excited.

    Could I get some comments on my WIP, That'll Do, Tepig? I feel like there's something from the story so far (besides the rest of the story), so comments would help a lot.
    Mmkay. A couple of things stood out to me here.

    Firstly, the paragraph with description in the beginning... where we get to see Jane and the beagle… it felt kinda awkward, because it was just a massive paragraph of description that didn’t flow well or have a purpose, beyond “I want you to be able to picture the characters.” It’d be something that would work better if you took it out. Work in the same images throughout the story. That way, instead of holding a picture of a blonde tomboy in my head through the whole story, trying to remember that that’s what I’m reading about, I get to slowly form an image that I attach to events and motivations and emotions in your story. It’ll be more imbedded and interactive.

    Secondly, the first person isn’t being taken advantage of fully. This mainly comes across in the emotional content. The whole conception of first person is that it’s a representation of a highly subjective individual’s perspective. There seemed to be a lot of “OH MY GOODNESS I’M RUNNING FROM A STORM AND THERE’S A PIG WHO BREATHES FIREBALLS” missing. Even if it is a dog, it’s still a first-person perspective dog, so it’s going to have emotions that are apparent in the outlook (whether it’s highly emotional or just casual perspective—that’s a determination you need to make based on your style). There didn’t seem to be a lot of “worldview” behind the character, either. Not to say that dogs have worldviews, in terms of explicit meaning. But I mean, if you’re a dog, and you’re out hunting with your master, there’s probably a little adrenaline, and a little fun. Or maybe the dog is bored. Or maybe the dog feels guilty about hunting, and lives in fear that his master will catch something and he’ll have to bark at it. Your dog just tells the story without giving me a lot about what they think or feel about what’s going on.

    Which isn’t to say that you should sit down and have the dog say, “I thought this.” Just start trying to give more of what the dog is understanding and passing judgment upon. You already have a really solid handle on what you’re describing to achieve angle. The side-comments work. The trick is that you take another step past that. Instead of saying WUT PIG JUST SPAT FIRE JANE AND I DON’T KNOW WHY, you say that, and then allow the character to pass judgment both within and outside of this statement. Is it scary? Traumatizing? Laughable? Just kinda “eh whatever I NEED TO GET HOME?” Same old? Right now, it reads like “that was mildly confusing.” But it doesn’t feel like that sort of situation. To take full advantage of first-person, you should try to work perception into the initial statement itself, and then into the follow-up thought process.

    On a side note, I didn’t realize that this was “the real world,” even with the surprise of “what is this thing in my kitchen.” I think that was partially because of the aforementioned first-person thing.
    Last edited by Scourge of Nemo; 16th February 2011 at 01:30 PM.
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  10. #1870
    The Hero You Never Needed Neonsands's Avatar
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    Default Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

    Galvantula with Thunder <3

  11. #1871
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    Default Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

    Quote Originally Posted by Neonsands View Post
    Galvantula with Thunder <3
    Please, Neon, stop embarassing yourself. It shall always be Denchura. Btw, how was the date, buddy? XD

  12. #1872
    Gabite Evolved! Krookodile's Avatar
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    Default Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

    Quote Originally Posted by Synthesis View Post
    Please, Neon, stop embarassing yourself. It shall always be Denchura. Btw, how was the date, buddy? XD
    Don't even THINK about taking Raimon.

  13. #1873
    The Hero You Never Needed Neonsands's Avatar
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    Default Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

    Quote Originally Posted by Synthesis View Post
    Please, Neon, stop embarassing yourself. It shall always be Denchura. Btw, how was the date, buddy? XD
    Doesn't change the compoundeyes thunder :P and pretty good, though this chat may not be the best place to discuss lol.

  14. #1874
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    Default Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

    Quote Originally Posted by Gabite View Post
    Don't even THINK about taking Raimon.
    I think I may take Raimon for the lulz just because. :P

  15. #1875
    Fire Ferrets Forever Mako's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

    Well I'm going to beat you to Raimon Mav. So HA!
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    Everyone has had a crush on Hips. :B

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