An Unkowing Escape (Ready for Grading)

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  1. #1
    Lucky Broad Ace Trainer Liam's Avatar
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    Default An Unkowing Escape (Ready for Grading)

    An Unknowing Escape



    A cool breeze softened the early morning in a buzzing airport; the rays of the sun exploding from behind the air traffic control tower and black shadows of enormous flying metal birds glided across the terrain. Giant engines revved, loud commands being shouted, and a constant humming of general white noise made it difficult to hear at the Unova Region Airport. A young man, in his late teens, was carrying luggage like a pack mule around the airport as his eyes scoured the gate numbers. He seemed to be in a hurry, but not late enough to break out in a run; only frantic. The boy kept searching and wet his lips in nervous impatience.

    He finally saw his gate number; with eyes locked he b-lined for a seat. Setting his bags down he took a deep breath in, brushed back his black curly hair, and sighed. The boy sat and rubbed his eyes, bumping a Pokeball attached to a string around his neck with his wrists. He kept it their not only for safe-keeping at the airport, it was his prize and he wanted to show the world of his accomplishment. Next to him a girl with long, braided pigtails and a fair, soft face took notice of this and commented, “What a nice necklace.” The boy stopped rubbing and relaxing and cleared his throat to reply. “Thanks... it's my first.”
    “Your first what?”
    “Oh, my first Pokemon.”
    The girl's eyes opened with interest and said, “Wait... it's real?!” The surprise and astoundment in her voice intrigued the boy and he looked down at the Pokeball and smiled solemnly.
    “Yes, it's very real... would you like to see him?” The girl's eyes glittered and she smiled with joy nodding her head profoundly.

    The boy pushed the small button on the Pokeball to enlarge it and again to open the contraption. The ball popped open with a digitalizing noise and a white film appeared and landed on the ground. The white rematerialized in the shape of a small dog and large fluff on its chest and head. The dog shook its head, then its body and almost resembled a small tiger.
    “Her name is Nike, she's my Growlithe.” Nike yipped and looked up at the girl wooing over the adorable Pokemon. Tongue out, panting, tailing wagging, the girl had no control over herself and awed and heart throbbed, over-complimented and was too polite and afraid to ask to hold the Pokemon. The boy did it for her, “Would you like to hold her? She loves people.” The girl vigorously shook her head and reached out for the Pokemon. Nike leaped up into her lap and sat, panting and wagging her tail. The girl pet Nike across the head and scratched her side in adornment.

    The boy looked at Nike with bliss, then looked up at the girl and said, “My name is Liam.” He extended his arm for a formal introduction and the girl complied. Grasping his hand and shaking it she replied, “Mine is Lady.” She giggled almost at the fact that her name is always an ice-breaking joke after introducing herself to people, but Liam simply smiled and said,
    “It's a pleasure to meet you Lady.”
    “Likewise.”
    “I believe Nike enjoys your company as well.”
    “Hah!” Lady exclaimed, continually petting Nike, “It's MY pleasure to meet her.”

    They sat quietly for a few moments admiring Nike and the company of another person. Lady looked up at Liam and asked, “So where did you get her?”
    “Oh,” Liam said looking down at the happy-go-lucky Growlithe remember times passed, “it's a long story; I was younger and my family and I moved to a new town, so my parents set me up with a professor in the new town we were living, but the professor ran out of the usual Pokemon to give out. My mother came home that evening with a Growlithe for me. I accepted Nike and we have been bonding since. We've gone through some hard times, so many trifling blunders, and so many wonderful adventures...”

    Liam's Celtic green eyes were lost in nostalgia and Lady wowed at the lighthearted tale. She looked back down at Nike who was greatly enjoying the head scratch being given by Lady; tongue out and eyes closed Nike was in a blissful state. “You know,” Lady started saying as she reached for something in her back pocket, “I have a Pokemon too!” She opened her hand and held a small Pokeball. She enlarged it with the button and open then ball, releasing a bright white light and rematerializing into the shape of a small humanoid creature. The Pokemon shined white and a pale Easter green; it was shy and hid slightly behind Lady.

    “Her name is Missy, she's my Ralts.” Lady smiled and rubbed her hand behind Missy's head comforting her shyness. “She was a gift from my Mother a few years back for my birthday. It was the best day of my life and it was the best gift I have ever received!” She giggled as she finished the sentence and looked at Missy, who with her psychic powers felt Lady's joy and amusement and smiled back, coming out from behind her a bit now a little more comfortable. Liam smiled at the story and was about to say something, but was interrupted by a woman over the intercom calling for passengers to start boarding the flight.
    “We better get going.” Liam said.
    “Yes, we must”
    “So this plane is going to Kanto, whats there for you Lady?”
    “Oh, merely business... what about yourself? Not often a young trainer goes to Kanto with a new-ish Pokemon.”

    Liam gave a quick 'hah' through his nose and looked out at the plane. “We're going to start training there, like all the trainers of old used to do, kind of symbolic- what we're doing.. but it feels right.” Liam looked at Lady with a completely humble smile. Lady looked back, then down and smiled fittingly.

    They boarded the plane and were about to take off. Everything was going smoothly: no ice, gas tanks full, skies clear, flying Pokemon out of area, no planes coming in or leaving at the same time, and everyone got onto the plane efficiently and quickly. Liam sat down, now with his Growlithe in its ball as the Pokeball sign was on next to the 'no smoking' and 'seat belts'. He saw Lady was only sitting a few seats away and down the aisle with an open seat next to her. He thought, 'maybe once the plane is up in the air, and we're allowed to move, I might be able to sit next to her and continue our conversation'.

    The plane started up with ease and before any of them knew it they were all off in the air flying from one continent to another continent Liam relaxed himself as they were taking off and waited patently for the glowing signs to turn off with a 'bing' so he could do as he pleased, however, he accidentally slipped off into a dream.



    - - - -





    Liam felt a bump... then another more rough bump... then he felt a few more; they were happening in quicker succession. Liam was thrown into the seat in front of him and he woke up with a face full of plastic seat covering. Liam's eyes were wide open, he heard alarms sounding, people screaming, the engines roaring, but mostly the wind howling and screeching in his ears. The plane had been torn in two and only a few seats above where Lady was sitting a gaping hole lay wide open to suck anyone who hadn't been strapped properly to their seats away into oblivion. The scene was terrifying; Liam witnessed people, strangers, be ripped from their seats and thrown into the outside, surely to be doomed. Even though he had not known a single person he felt a connection to them, pity, fear, hope, he wasn't sure, only that there was a connection. But that won't save his life, he needed to save himself somehow. He searched around him momentarily until he heard a maniacal laugh. A laugh you don't hear everyday, a laugh that screamed “I am evil, I take joy from misery, I am mistrustful and horrible, fear me!” Liam looked up to see Lady standing in the isle, gripping a seat fiercely, with her Ralts floating next to her with a psychic blue outline controlling her and Lady's falling in the plane. Liam felt confused, betrayed, murdered, and vengeful, but his biggest feeling was worry... about Nike. He looked down at his Pokeball as it bumped and wiggled in the wind. How was he going to save the last thing his mother ever gave him.
    Last edited by Ace Trainer Liam; 17th June 2013 at 05:25 PM.

  2. #2
    Lucky Broad Ace Trainer Liam's Avatar
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    Default Re: An Unkowing Escape

    Liam had no idea what to do, he had so many questions, but now was not the time for them. If he wanted to even ask one, he had to survive, so he must. He looked around for anything, a parachute, a survival kit, something that could possibly help in this scenario, but he was at a loss. He looked up at the insanely laughing Lady, now sporting a black outfit with a big capital red 'R' on the shirt, and thought that she was going to have to be his escape out. He carefully unbuckled himself from the seat and leaped forward; along with the force of the suction and wind he lunged at Lady and tackled her. He knocked the wind out of her as they were forced, sucked out of the broken aircraft. Liam held onto Lady's body for dear life as they fell from the sky down to the land below. Missy flew after Lady and Liam and with her psychic abilities halted them in mid-air. They slowly glided down to the bottom; Liam continued to grasp Lady as tight and as hard as he could for fear that if he let go Missy would drop him.

    When they started to get close to land Liam saw the aftermath of the crash. Metal scraps were laced everywhere along a beach shore, small fires burned along the cargo, no movement bestowed the lonely beach except for the straggling waves from the ocean. Liam's eyes filled with fear, anger, and overwhelmness. They touched the sands lightly and Missy let go of their bodies. Lady fell like a stone to the ground, and Liam staggered to regain his balance, but once obtained he searched around him for signs of life. There was nothing, no one, not a thing around that remotely looked like a person had survived.

    Liam looked down and held his Pokeball in his hand. He had a slight moment of happiness for he had saved his Growlithe. Nike was safe, and he was safe. He thought of these facts hard for a moment so he could enjoy what he thought were surely the last few moments of solitaire joy he was going to have for a long time to come.

    A muffled groaning had broken Liam's moment of bliss. He looked down at Lady who was slowly waking out of her daze. She mumbled non-understandable sounds as she lazily sat up and rubbed her face. She was perplexed at how she got to that state and finally opened her eyes to see the aftermath of the crash and Liam standing there looking at her. His face was far from empty, it was angered, saddened, disappointed, confused, worried, troubled, distraught, and so much more that words cannot contain their definition, but is understood with a look. That look is was got Lady jumping up from the ground and composing herself, clearing her throat and saying, “What, just, how did you survive?”

    Liam didn't reply, he didn't even move. He simply changing his focus from Lady to Missy, then back to Lady, and Lady understood exactly what it meant.



    Ready for grading
    Pokemon: Growlithe
    Level: Medium
    Characters Needed: 10k
    Characters: 10.83k
    Last edited by Ace Trainer Liam; 18th June 2013 at 12:28 AM.

  3. #3
    i'm wide awake Felly's Avatar
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    Default Re: An Unkowing Escape (Ready for Grading)

    Unfortunately, this story is not ready for grading! Growlithe and Ralts are Medium ranked Pokemon, yes, but Medium ranked Pokemon require 10-20k in characters. If you write for two Medium ranked Pokemon, like you have done here, then you would need a minimum of 20k in characters. I'm only getting 10830 in characters, so unfortunately, you're only eligible for one of these Pokemon right now. You can either edit your story so that you meet the MCR for both of them, or you can select one of them to catch for now & go for the other later.

    When you've decided, feel free to post here so a grader knows they can claim it! (: I'd also recommend reading this thread and this thread if you haven't already.

    Happy writing! ♥ & if you have any questions, please feel free to ask!


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  4. #4
    Lucky Broad Ace Trainer Liam's Avatar
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    Default Re: An Unkowing Escape (Ready for Grading)

    Quote Originally Posted by Felly View Post
    Unfortunately, this story is not ready for grading! Growlithe and Ralts are Medium ranked Pokemon, yes, but Medium ranked Pokemon require 10-20k in characters. If you write for two Medium ranked Pokemon, like you have done here, then you would need a minimum of 20k in characters. I'm only getting 10830 in characters, so unfortunately, you're only eligible for one of these Pokemon right now. You can either edit your story so that you meet the MCR for both of them, or you can select one of them to catch for now & go for the other later.

    When you've decided, feel free to post here so a grader knows they can claim it! (: I'd also recommend reading this thread and this thread if you haven't already.

    Happy writing! ♥ & if you have any questions, please feel free to ask!
    Oops! Sorry, I'm new to this... I edited it so it can be graded for just one Pokemon- and NOW it's ready for grading haha... thanks a lot!

  5. #5
    i'm wide awake Felly's Avatar
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    Default Re: An Unkowing Escape (Ready for Grading)

    Haha, it's all good! I'm gonna go ahead and claim this, and I'll do my best to have this up by tomorrow evening. (:


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  6. #6
    i'm wide awake Felly's Avatar
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    Default Re: An Unkowing Escape (Ready for Grading)

    > says she'll try to have the grade up by the evening of june 19th
    > june 23rd.

    Yeah, so I pretty much didn't have the grade up the day I said I would, and I apologize for that. :x Instead of giving you a bunch of excuses as to why I didn't have it graded when I said I would, I'm just gonna shut up now & post the grade itself. :3 I apologize again for the amount of time it took me to grade this, & if you have any questions about anything on this grade, feel free to VM or PM me! @Ace Trainer Liam;

    Introduction
    Introductions should do two things. The first is set the scene for what's going to happen in the story. The second is introduce the characters. Your introduction has done both. We get to meet Liam, Lady, and their Pokemon, and we also learn their purposes for being at the airport and why they're traveling to Kanto, all things the reader would like to know in a story.

    In terms of the plot itself, I'm not really sure it's enough for a Medium rank. You have Liam, who's starting his Pokemon journey in Kanto because of the symbolism in it, and you have Lady, who's going to Kanto on personal business. And then we find out Lady is evil and not this nice, sweet girl she was made out to be. (It's always the nice ones!) I think it would have worked better if you hadn't ended it where you ended it; the ending itself seems awkward, but I'll touch more on that later.

    Detail
    The detail was good! The characters and their Pokemon were described nicely. I quite like how you described the hustle and bustle of the airport; it made it much easier for me to picture that since I've never really been in one before.

    One thing I did want to point out was the description of the characters' and Pokemon's actions. For example, when Lady was too afraid to ask if she could hold Nike, you used "tongue out, panting, and tail wagging" to describe Nike's excitement. Just the tail wagging would have sufficed because those that have seen a dog would know that a wagging tail would be the equivalent of happiness or excitement. Using actions to describe emotions is okay, but overdoing it kind of takes away from it.

    Also, when you describe your character's appearances all at once, it's best to bring them up later in the story as well. It allows the reader to remember what the characters look like as they're reading so that they don't have to constantly scroll up to see what a character looks like. It's especially useful in longer stories.

    Grammar
    Grammar was a bit of an issue in this story, but it was really just the same mistake over and over again. Instead of repeatedly telling you the same thing over and over again and sounding like a broken record, I'm just going to point the mistakes out once with an example quote from the story. Hopefully you'll be able to take something away from this!

    Next to him a girl with long, braided pigtails and a fair, soft face took notice of this and commented, “What a nice necklace.” The boy stopped rubbing and relaxing and cleared his throat to reply. “Thanks... it's my first.”
    “Your first what?”
    “Oh, my first Pokemon.”
    The girl's eyes opened with interest and said, “Wait... it's real?!” The surprise and astoundment in her voice intrigued the boy and he looked down at the Pokeball and smiled solemnly.
    “Yes, it's very real... would you like to see him?” The girl's eyes glittered and she smiled with joy nodding her head profoundly.
    I'm going to kill two birds with one stone here. Firstly, there should be a comma after him in the first sentence of this quote. "Next to him" is an introductory clause, and there should always be a comma after those.

    Secondly, with dialogue, there should be a double space in between a different characters' dialogues, if that makes sense. Basically, when one character speaks, you should double space before starting the next character's dialogue. I'll show you an example in case I'm confusing you because I feel like I am. xD

    Next to him, a girl with long, braided pigtails and a fair, soft face took notice of this and commented, “what a nice necklace.”

    The boy stopped rubbing and relaxing and cleared his throat to reply. “Thanks... it's my first.”

    “Your first what?”

    “Oh, my first Pokemon.”

    The girl's eyes opened with interest and said, “wait... it's real?!” The surprise and astoundment in her voice intrigued the boy and he looked down at the Pokeball and smiled solemnly.

    “Yes, it's very real... would you like to see him?” The girl's eyes glittered and she smiled with joy nodding her head profoundly.


    Think of it like double spacing between different paragraphs. Each line of dialogue should be its own paragraph.

    The ball popped open with a digitalizing noise and a white film appeared and landed on the ground.
    In this quote, there should be a comma after noise. "The ball popped open with a digitalizing noise" and "a white film appeared and landed on the ground" can be two stand-alone sentences when you take out the "and." If you take out the "and," you would need to captialize "A." If you don't take out "and," then you would just need to add a comma after noise. Either way works, and it's up to you which one you use!

    Tongue out, panting, tailing wagging, the girl had no control over herself and awed and heart throbbed, over-complimented and was too polite and afraid to ask to hold the Pokemon.
    This is pretty much one big run on sentence. D; Those are never good in stories (or writing in general for that matter!). You have a lot of emotional detail in this one sentence, and as I said above in the Detail section, too much can be overkill. Cutting out some of the detail would help out a lot, and it would also keep the sentence from being a run on.

    She giggled almost at the fact that her name is always an ice-breaking joke after introducing herself to people, but Liam simply smiled and said,
    “It's a pleasure to meet you Lady.”
    In this quote, you need to watch your tenses. "Her name is" should be "her name was" since the story takes place in the past tense. If your story was taking place in the present tense, it would be okay to use "is," but since it isn't, "was" is the more appropriate option.

    The plane started up with ease and before any of them knew it they were all off in the air flying from one continent to another continent Liam relaxed himself as they were taking off and waited patently for the glowing signs to turn off with a 'bing' so he could do as he pleased, however, he accidentally slipped off into a dream.
    I know I pointed out a run on sentence not too long ago, but that one mainly focused on the abundance of detail. This one doesn't have as much of it, so I'm going to go ahead and bring this up as well so that you can see another example of a run on sentence that doesn't have as much detail. This sentence definitely needs to be divided up into at least three different sentences so that it's easier to read. For example, you could do: The plane started up with ease, and before any of them knew it, they were all off in the air, flying from one continent to another. Liam relaxed as they took off and waited patiently for the glowing signs to turn off, so he could do as he pleased. However, he accidentally slipped off into a dream before they did. How you end up fixing it is up to you, however; that's just a recommendation of how to fix it, and you are by no means forced to fix it like that.

    Climax
    As I said earlier, I feel like the plot wasn't strong enough for a Medium ranked Pokemon. I also mentioned that the ending was kind of awkward. They safely arrive on a beachy area thanks to Lady's Ralts, and then she asks how Liam survived. If she was conscious when he tackled her, wouldn't she have known that he tackled her and that was how he survived? You only say his tackle knocked the wind out of her, not that it knocked her unconscious. Unless it was the fact that she was dazed that caused her not to remember anything that had happened after Liam tackled her. I don't think that part was really clear.

    I kind of want to say this ends on a cliffhanger, but at the same time, I feel like it doesn't. Your last sentence of the story sort of leaves us hanging, like a cliffhanger, but I also feel like you should have gone on and added a cliffhanger in elsewhere. I feel like it leaves a bunch of unanswered questions that could have been answered if you let the story go on for a bit longer. I dunno, the ending just kind of bothers me. .-.

    Conclusion
    First things first, I'll touch on the length. Growlithe is a Medium ranked Pokemon, and the MCR for that is 10k. You have 10,830 characters. It's on the lower end of the spectrum, which is okay! The point is you've got that MCR. (: I'd like to add that the MCR is only a recommendation. Medium ranked Pokemon are generally in the 10-20k range, but some people do go above that 20k, and it's okay! In higher ranked stories, you may not even hit the lower end of the MCR spectrum, and it'll be okay; like I said, it's only a recommendation. If you go above it, the graders won't be upset. You're a new writer in the URPG, so I thought I'd bring this up, and it also leads me into my next point.

    If you had gone above the 10,830 characters you have now, I feel like your ending would have been better. However, the length and the ending aren't going to be the only things I touch on here. Your grammar could definitely use some work, so hopefully you'll take what I've said and use it in future stories! Your detail was good, so just keep up the good work there. The big thing here for me is the plot itself. I'm kind of iffy on whether or not this would be good for a Medium ranked story. I feel like this would be something I'd see in a Simple ranked story. At the same time, this is the first story you've written for URPG, and I'm more leinient on first time writers in URPG than I am on those who have had experience writing stories. Taking all of that into account, I'm ultimately going to say Growlithe is captured. It's your first story, and you're new to the URPG; it would be so wrong of me to fail this, especially since you may or may not have had a full grasp on how things work here. I'm sure you'll continue to improve and use what I've mentioned in this grade to help with that! Best of luck, and welcome to the URPG! (:


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