'Twas the Night before christmas and Airik got drunk*gift*
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Thread: 'Twas the Night before christmas and Airik got drunk*gift*

  1. #1
    Registered User Airik's Avatar
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    Default 'Twas the Night before christmas and Airik got drunk*gift*

    He wrote this story and his grammar doth stunk

    Going For Poliwag for Felly for Christmas its 5,000 characters exactly but im sure i will get a tonne of revisions

    'Twas the night before Christmas and Airik was busy making preparations looking around his home inside the Eterna Gym he had a small but well decorated tree in the corner by the fire place. The fire place was a large affair with tinsel draped around it, in a bucket on the floor by the fire sat some firelighters that Airik had spent the morning making. Pieces of newspaper concertinaed into small tubes perfect for getting a fire going with a few logs.

    On his desk here was still wrapping paper, scissors and scellotape he had been busy wrapping presents for his freinds for soon Delibird would arrive to take them and deliver them to his friends. Each had something special, Commba and Hannah both had Ludicolo's both admired Airik's own pokemon and wished to have one just like it so he had caught one for each. Morru had a Shiftry, just like Airiks starter pokemon. He knew Morru admired Dark type pokemon and and he could think of no better gift than his favourite pokemon of all time.

    For Smiles his beloved Gyarados, most people laugh at and mock Magikarp but watch how they change when they see its evolved form. For The Pokemaster known as Darkdrakk there could only be one gift Ferrothorn the grass and steel type was a tough customer perfect for his friend who ran the Celadon gym. For Dark Charizard a Venusaur to compliment her Charizards awesome power. Last but not least Besty a new comer to Airik's group of friends and a fan of Fire type pokemon so for Besty Airik had arranged a Blaziken.

    The Pokeballs sat under the tree coated in multicoloured wrapping paper waiting to be taken away by there new owners who Airik knew would be delighted but there was one person who Airik still needed to get a gift for. The fabulous Felly who deserved praise for all her hard work in the Petalburg Woods helping maintain the natural balance between pokemon and people.

    There was but one pokemon Airik could get for Felly and that was politoed, Airik loved Politoed for on a hot summers day it could bring a downpour and Airik thought it would be perfect for her in the summers heat in the forest. Also Airik knew that Felly would like Politoed because she told him as much and Airik was never one to dissapoint a lady.

    Airik enjoyed the festive season and the thought of getting all his friends gifts simply delighted him, this particular gift would be special, Airik got up from his seat infront of th efire and went from his abode to another part of the gym. This part of the gym was a storage facility for Pokemon eggs he went to the container at the back on the far right and opened its glass lid, cold air poured out of it in plumes he took the Poliwag egg and went back to his home and again sat infront of the fire cradleing the egg and a mug of hot mulled wine.

    As Airk sat humming christmas tunes in front of the fire slowly getting more drunk off of the christmas spirit that was now putting a fire in his belly. Snow was begining to fall outside, and Airik couldn't tell if it was genuine or if one of the Abomasnow had flown into a rage. But from the feint noise of bells chiming in the wind Airik was fairly certain that this snow was genuine.

    Some time later the fire had died down to nothing but a few glowing embers and Airik had fallen asleep still cradling the egg. Airik woke up screaming disturbed by strange sounds and movement. It was the egg it was moving and cracking and soon a small blue mass could be seen. The poliwag worked its way free and suddenly it was born, imediatley it bounded forth taking in the heat from the dying embers of the fire. Then as quick as a Ratata it dived forth into the presents and under the tree dancing between the tinsle and twinkling lights.

    Jumping and running and dancing between the presents Poliwag went, Airik jumped to his feet and his hands dived into his pockets he reached for pokeballs but instead he found several round glass ornaments throwing without realisng glass shattered across the base of the tree still drunk and half awake Airik began to grope around his abode for pokeballs. Where had he put them he had some earlier but where did he put them.

    He checked his desk no not there, all the while Poliwag jumped around now climbing the tree. Airik franticly went through cupboards and closests and pockets of clothed hoping to find a pokeball to capture the Poliwag as it reached the height of the tree Airik could see the snow touching the star Poliwag doth glow. Airik searched and searched but to no avail untill he stumbled across the holy grail the masterball gifted him after that one night in jail. He threw it and prayed hoping upon hope that the ball would strike true. It did and suddenly the creature all shiney and blue was sucked up in a red light and gone.

    Airik collapsed, passed out cold. Off out there, where the wind did blow, all that could be heard was a faint "Ho Ho Ho..."

    Twas the night before christmas when all through the house
    Not a creature was stiring, not even that electric mouse!
    The pokeballs dangled by the chimney with care
    In hopes that Delibird soon would be there
    Last edited by Airik; 27th December 2012 at 10:20 AM.

  2. #2

    Default Re: 'Twas the Night before christmas and Airik got drunk*gift*

    Claiming on request.

    My reaction from the title, before I even read the story: XDDDDDDDdddddddddd

  3. #3

    Default Re: 'Twas the Night before christmas and Airik got drunk*gift*

    Sorry that it's not here prior to the gift station, but I got sick and became super busy, which has made my life a little stressed recently. Regardless, here is the grade!

    Story/Plot: Hmm, I'm not quite sure how to grade this section. After all, the only primary form of action in the entire story occurs dangerously close to the end of the story. As such, most of the story is simply a telling of Airik's thoughts and feelings throughout the holiday season. He tells of his plans to deliver gifts to his friends and accomplices, but the readers never truly get exposed to an actual plot. For a story of this length and rank, it isn't too big of a deal, but you'll definitely need to flesh out a larger and more intricate plot if you plan on writing stories of larger lengths and higher ranks.

    However, from what we were exposed to, your plot was cute and warm, which was something I wasn't exactly expecting from the title alone. The main character, Airik, is hatching an egg for his friend, Felly, in hopes that he can give her a Poliwag for the holidays. When the egg hatches, Airik scrambles to find a pokeball to capture it, and he eventually finds one, but it happens to be his one and only Master ball! Even though he loses this perfect capture opportunity, Airik throws the Master ball at his Poliwag to show how much Felly's happiness meant to him. Again, cute! Though there wasn't much to this plot, it definitely was one to warm the heart.

    Grammar/Conventions: Well, I'm pretty sure you already know that this is definitely a struggling position right here for you. Likewise, it's something that can be improved on with enough dedication and commitment. Though some of these mistakes are generally acceptable for stories of this length, if you plan on writing larger stories, these errors are going to have to be reduced.

    First thing to bring up: commas. This is definitely something that needs to be improved upon. The easiest way for me to think of using commas correctly is to say my sentences aloud. When I speak my work, I'll naturally find pauses that simply seem to fit. 9 times out of 10, these places are where commas belong. Commas are placeholders for pauses, similar to rests in music. Commas help the readers "catch their breath," if you will, because it provides a moment of pause in the story. I'll pull up an example from your story to demonstrate my point.

    Snow was begining to fall outside and Airik couldnt tell if it was genuine or if one of the Abomasnow had flown into a rage but from the feint noise of bells chiming in the wind Airik was fairly certain that this snow was genuine.
    If this sentence was spoken without the punctuation that naturally belongs there, it would sound awkward, clunky, and out of place. Because of this, the reader sees the sentence the same way it would sound. A fix as simple as reading your work out loud so that you can pick up on these errors could make the difference in a story of this length, so remember to keep an eye out for natural pauses!

    Another thing that's important to mention is proofreading. There were some very simple errors in this story (typos, grammatical errors, etc.) that I know you know is incorrect. If these errors were consistent, it would be a different story. However, because you sometimes got it right and sometimes got it wrong, it's evident that you probably weren't paying that much attention so that you would be consistently right. The easiest way to find some of these simple errors is to just re-read your story before you post it. Trust me, the errors that you find and correct can be what determines the outcome of the grade, so just keep an eye out for keeping your story as best as you can make it!

    I could go further in depth, but, for a story of this rank and length, I honestly think it would be detrimental to the grade itself. Just improve on these aspects, and, once you've improved enough, we'll move onto more difficult aspects.

    Length: The Minimum Character Requirement for a Poliwag is 5,000 characters. You're just about on the dot with a little under 100 extra characters past the minimum, which is acceptable for a story of this length. Again, I'll have to bring up the internal length as well -- in stories like these, the distribution of the length is as important just as the story itself. Like I said previously, the reader is told what Airik is giving his friends for the holidays, which takes place throughout a very large chunk of the story. Because of this, parts that shouldn't feel stretched ARE stretched, which can detract from the overall reading experience. Just keep the balance in mind and there shouldn't be a problem.

    Outcome: Deciding the outcome for a story like this has always been difficult. The requirements for one of these stories is low, but that doesn't mean that "slacking off" is allowed either. I can tell that you've obviously put effort into this story, but I can't tell if you've put in enough effort. As such, I'm going to have to ask you to give another look at your story before I can give you that pokemon. Just find some spelling errors, add in punctuation when needed, and touch it up in as many other ways as possible. I'll be happy to regrade your story after your corrections are made, but until then, I'm going to have to say that Poliwag is not captured.

  4. #4

    Default Re: 'Twas the Night before christmas and Airik got drunk*gift*

    Okay, now for the regrade. Rather than going for the traditional format, I'll simply just explain what I'm thinking.

    I noticed you made some slight revisions to the story as a whole, but what was primarily focused on, as far as I can tell, was the section that I had highlighted in the grade. While you corrected this section quite well, I wasn't solely focusing on this. Rather than this being the only spot of error in your story, I stressed this to show an example for the rest of your story. Regardless, your corrections for this sentence can tell me that you've become better about it. As such, I'm going to say that Poliwag is captured! Like I said, I know that you're capable of making your entire stories just as well written as this small section. As such, try and make your story this good upon being submitted, as it will have a much higher chance for it to be passed.


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