Re: A Trip Down Memory Lane
I'll claim this one too. Your results will be up as soon as possible.
Re: A Trip Down Memory Lane
Introduction: Your introduction was pretty interesting. I liked the fact that you gave us a view of present day, then sent us back in time to where your character was first encountering the Magikarp that had become a Gyarados. It was fun to read and I found myself imagining all that could have happened in between the two time periods. As usual, I’ll go into my four W’s (I don’t usually include the why) so I can further explain my viewpoint on the introduction.
What: We’re introduced to a boy who has a troublesome Gyarados, who then begins remeniscing about how he caught this Gyarados, or rather Magikarp. It sounds like it has great potential, which you definitely fulfilled, but I’ll get into that later. This isn’t very one-dimensional either, as it has something that it’s sticking to the entire time, which is somewhat rare in a story for a Magikarp. I like it!
Who: The story follows a boy named Ian who fishes with his dad. I guess Magikarp could be considered a main character as well, but it mainly follows Ian, as it is in his perspective. We got a little description, which is always a nice addition for a story of this rank. Of course, more description couldn’t have hurt it, but that’s mainly me wanting it so that I could enjoy this story even more. Not much to say here, but you did a good job nonetheless.
Where: The story takes place in a lake just outside of Cerulean City (sorry, I’m drawing a blank on the name of it). Just like you did for the characters, you gave some description for the setting, which, again, is nice for a story like this. I’m assuming the setting is the same all the way through, which gives us time to familiarize ourselves with it.
When: It starts in present day and eventually goes back to seven years ago. I liked that you made it plausible that it could have happened that long ago by making your Electivire an Elekid and the Gyarados a Magikarp instead. It makes sense since your character would have been much younger and probably wouldn’t have had an Electivire at such a young age, nor would he have the capabilities of taking on a Gyarados.
Plot: I liked the plot in this story, as it wasn’t necessarily expected. Sure, we were given a quick view of the future, which told us what the story was going to be about, but I still felt that we were given a nice, creative plot instead of the typical ‘kid wanders into the forest and spots random pokemon’, which is too common among stories of this calibur.
That being said, this was still a kid catching a pokemon to become stronger. Sure, you made it better by giving us the reason for it, but it was still somewhat one-dimensional. However, I can’t really complain. Like I’ve said above, this type of story is common for this kind of pokemon. The reason why it is so common is because it works. Your story worked.
Not quite sure where else to put this, but I just wanted to let you know that you did a marvelous job describing the pokemon in your story. Many people struggle with this aspect, but you made it very clear as to what each pokemon looked like, which makes it more fun to read. Plus, somebody who didn’t know the pokemon universe very well would have easily been able to tell what your pokemon looked like, which is always a sign of great description.
Climax: Like the rest of this story, you did a nice job with it. It had action, answers, and conclusive content that really made it feel like a climax. It didn’t feel too rushed, nor did it feel too forced, so you planned it at just the right time and length.
Your plausibility was also commendable. The battle seemed to make sense, which, again, is sometimes hard for people to do. Instead of the Magikarp uselessly flailing around, it tried to escape the boat and even hit the Elekid, causing some damage. On a sidenote, I actually preferred that you had Splash be able to do damage, while it can’t in the games. It shows customization in your story; that’s a nice addition and separation from the normal flow of both the games and URPG alike.
The Magikarp’s health would have been depleted enough for a pokeball capture to work, so, again, nice job on the plausibilty. Many people just attack once or twice and catch it without taking the health of the target pokemon into question. However, it didn’t seem to be the case in this.
Despite the fact that I plugged this in the calc and your Magikarp ended at about -115% health XD
Grammar/Conventions: You obviously know what you’re doing here. You did a nice job with most of the grammar through out this story. However, one thing that frustrates me in this story is that you apparently didn’t proofread to catch your mistakes. Even a simple spell-check would have caught some of these errors. I’ll point out a few, just to prove my point.
Most spell checks catch things like tense mistakes, but, if yours doesn’t, a simple re-read and this mistake would have caught your eye. I’m not going to point out more of these, as I’m sure you get the point.
My father had always told me that if you wasn't firm with a Pokémon, it would disobey you.
Another thing that I spotted that should be corrected is the way you end your dialogue. If all of your dialogue ends, even anything that is a continuation of the dialogue, directly after the quotation mark, you end the dialogue with a period and a quoatation mark, then move on. However, if your dialogue ends but there is a continuation of your dialogue right after it, you’ll use a comma and a quotation mark. I know it sounds confusing, but I’ll point out some examples of what it should be.
Here you used a period, which would be incorrect. The reason behind this is because the ‘I told him’ is a continuation of the dialogue, even though it is outside of the quotation marks. It should be:
“Alright, Elekid, let's finish this off with a Quick Attack! But don't hurt him too much, he's almost ready to be caught.” I told him.
This allows for the reader to keep reading the rest of the sentence as a continuation of the dialogue. While it might not seem like a big difference, plenty of people will find it much easier to read if it is written like this.
“Alright, Elekid, let's finish this off with a Quick Attack! But don't hurt him too much, he's almost ready to be caught,” I told him.
I mentioned this a little in my first paragraph, but I highly advise you to always proofread your work before submitting it. Trust me, you’re not the only one to do this, but you catch countless amounts of simple mistakes if you do this. It makes your story flow smoothly, which is always better than a jagged and jarring story.
Length: The minimum for a Magikarp is 3,000 characters, and you are way above it at approximately 7,800 characters. For a pokemon of this ranking, you definitely went above and beyond. Nothing seemed too forced in this story either, so I would say that you covered this length section well. Your length also proved to me that you wrote to write a story instead of writing to merely get a pokemon, which I like much, much more. It shows dedication to your story, and it makes my grades feel like they actually matter.
Results: I’m going to say that Magikarp is captured! While you had some grammatical errors that were a little frustrating, the overall story had plenty of successes within it that definitely deserve a Magikarp. You obviously put a lot of time into this story, which many people think isn’t necessary for a pokemon of this ranking, but it is so much more interesting to read if you spend time on it. Take my advice, keep on writing, and enjoy your newest pokemon!