Trace (Ready for Grading)

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    Default Trace (Ready for Grading)

    (Hi, so I'm clearing all of my stories out for personal reasons. I have copies on my hard drive if, for legal reasons, I'm not allowed to do this, but otherwise I'd prefer for this old shame to die old shame. ._.)
    Last edited by Lurking; 2nd August 2013 at 01:27 AM.

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    Virbank Gym Leader WinterVines's Avatar
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    Default Re: Trace (Ready for Grading)

    Mine. Claiming this. How can I not? All are Fred, after all. Grade up shortly, hopefully, barring any emergencies.
    ChainReaction 6:09 pm
    I quickly slammed the palm of my hand onto a butt
    Ranger | Grader | Ref | Curator
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  3. #3
    Virbank Gym Leader WinterVines's Avatar
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    Default Re: Trace (Ready for Grading)

    Mark left

    Tried not to take so long with this, but you know how it goes. Still, five days isn't so bad.

    ---

    Intro: I really do like your intro. It's mysterious enough that it draws in interest, but it doesn't give anything away, instead just giving a general prophecy-like warning that you could get from a lot of those types of stories. That isn't bad though, I think it works really well here, especially considering you touched back with it in the ending about curses and blessings (which, ironically, they teach you to do in school while writing essays), so that was very well done.

    The only thing I lament is that your italics disappeared during the editing. I know they were there when I claimed it, and since the tag is still in the beginning, I figured that you just accidentally deleted it while going over the story again. Personally, I think the italics give it a nice touch, so you should leave that in (on the off-chance you got rid of it on purpose). Gives it a prologue-y feel, like they have before the start of movies and books.

    The whole section takes on a more angry or annoyed tone as well, which I think is a little interesting. Anger is also the first emotion that Fred is forced to bear, but its not the primary mood of the entire story. I think it might throw off what the intro suggests the story is about a little. It's not too big of an issue, as the anger plays a big part, but I noticed it more because when you edited, you added some things in like “Arrogant pricks” that made it seem more hostile than it used to be.

    In a way, your second section acts like an intro of sorts as well. It describes the setting the story is in, as well as the main character. I agree with the way you did it, by creating a new section for it, because it doesn't really fit with the rest of the story except for as an intro. This is mainly because of the point of view it takes. I'll talk about that in a bit.

    Plot: Fred <3

    You said you didn't want a story consisting of disgruntled robots and death, but I think it worked here, considering your characters. It's a little clichéd or expected, but I liked your plot, so it just doesn't bother me that much.

    Overall, I thought it was done very well, with an original idea with the emotion-sucker and such. I did sort of question the scientists' violent tendencies a little, but that was minor. Why did they let the kid stay there if he was not useful? Like you showed, they have rules against Pokémon and dispose of them, and I'm wondering why not take the same principles towards the boy? I suppose he would know too much of what they do, but if I was working on important projects I didn't want tampered with, I wouldn't want a kid running around, even if he had been part of a former scientist's family. A lab isn't a great place for a kid to grow up.

    The same thing happened when they shot the boy. They were probably doing it because Fred was attached to him, but if they were so willing to hurt him, why not just get rid of the problem in the first place, like when they disposed of Nix? They don't seem to be adverse to hurting, seeing how they brought all that weaponry out to catch the two.

    One little thing I wish you would've touched on a little more was how the world used Pokémon like tools. In the second intro you depicted a very interesting setting about a world like that, but only went into the Porygon's part of it. While that's okay since the story was about him, it could've been cool to hear about some other things that had been implemented, like if the scientists had had a prior role in a creation, and that success (or failure) had driven them to do better creating Fred. It could've given a little more depth to the bad guys so they're not just bad. Villains don't have to have reasons, but sometimes its nice seeing the motivation behind their actions, if only to understand.

    Detail/Description/Grammar: It must've been horrid writing this if you didn't turn off the auto-capitalize the first letter of every sentence, seeing how you used F.R.E.D. a lot. Kudos for that, as it would've taken a lot more patience than I think I could handle, even if you copy-pasted it.

    As always your details and descriptions are wonderful. You described all the Pokémon and the humans well, so anyone reading would've gotten a good mental image. I loved the way you portrayed the Tri-attack. It was absolutely wonderful, and is perhaps one of my favorite parts of this whole story. Connecting the elements and colors to their corresponding emotions was genius. I love seeing creative bits like that, so well done.

    There weren't too many typos. Just a few, like missing an apostrophe, putting and instead of an, etc. Not enough to really complain about, even at a demanding rank. I could count them all on one hand. I did want to point out one of the sentences in the intro though that made me stumble a bit. I thought you would catch it in your editing that you did, but I guess not. No worries though, just wanted to show because I tripped, thinking I had misread.
    He didn’t really know why the wanted he.
    One thing I do want you to watch though, like I mentioned in the last grade, is your repeated words and phrases. Since you wrote this story and the last one not too long from each other, that can't really be helped, but I'm going to say it again just because. It makes it seem like the story is repetitive, and as a result, a bit boring or awkward to read. Sometimes it doesn't happen in the same paragraph, but the next one, and even though its a little farther away, the speed at which someone usually reads still makes them seem too close.
    ...fugitives in a matter of minutes, if not seconds.

    As it turned out, it was seconds, if not moments.
    Even though these are in separate lines, almost the same phrase is being used, and it sounds awkward. I think in this case, the 'if' in the second line could be erased and it would read just fine.

    It's really noticeable when they're super close together.
    In their eyes, she’s just an average Gastly, which makes her so much less in their eyes.
    Even though it's not used in the same way, it's still the same words. Just watch these. I know you do normally, so it's just a silly little thing to watch.

    I did want to ask about you Point of View also. The reason I say the second section was another intro was because it took an omniscient or otherworldly narrator tone. The rest of the story was basically from Fred's point of view, so that's why it stuck out. On that note also, I wonder if you were going for Omniscient (meaning the narrator knows everything about the situation) or Limited (sticking to one character at at time) Third Person. I think you were going Limited, as you stuck with Fred basically the whole time, or when you shifted characters, you made a new section. There were a couple areas where you went into Trey's (when he was scared of the hovercraft) and a scientist's (when he was forcing emotion into Fred) thoughts and feelings while still in Fred's point of view, so just be wary about that. You can still show how other characters feel, but it's better done through their actions. Did their hands shake? Did they smirk? That sort of thing. I know you know how to do this, since you showed that when you changed sections to show Trey running after Nix. Just another thing to watch. As if the list isn't long enough already XD.

    I do love that you know when to single out certain lines though, much like the section endings. Isolating them adds so much impact and gives them that extra oomph. A lot of people don't know how to do this, but I love that you do. This one was my favorite:
    And then it all exploded.
    Length: You made some edits after I claimed, which I'm really glad you told me you were doing. Sadly, I had counted before you did them, so I had to recount. I don't normally count section breaks, but since it was so long, it was just easier to include them. I don't think it added that much anyway. For Porygon and Gastly, Demanding and Hard rank, there's an estimated 60-85k range. I counted 76,972, so you're fine there.

    Reality/Miscellaneous: My extras section. Yay.

    There was only one thing that had me questioning the words, and that was about Fred and his feeling pain. You kept stating that he couldn't feel pain, and then it would be a few paragraphs after and he would be shrieking in pain from something, like when he hit the boxes or when absorbing the emotion. I would understand if he didn't start out being able to feel pain and then learned through the emotion absorbing, but that wasn't mentioned, so I figured that was just something you missed.

    I was also wondering, since I say Trey use 'Fred' when speaking to him but the scientists used F.R.E.D., do they pronounce the letters individually, or do they say it like the name? It was never specified, and it doesn't really matter, but just something I wondered.

    Result:
    ChainReaction 6:09 pm
    I quickly slammed the palm of my hand onto a butt
    Ranger | Grader | Ref | Curator
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