Pokemon Capture: Magikarp
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One night, Alaska and friends were watching a metric buttload of porn, while Kai shuddered in the corner. Then the darkness came. There was little warning, before it happened. One moment they were peacefully watching borderline illegal Russian pornography, the next, a blackness came sweeping across the land.
"Dammit," shouted Roulette, "Who let Maverick in here?"
"I don't think it was Maverick," Kai said, toeing the ground nervously, "That's not really how science works..."
"WHO SAID NUTHIN' BOUT SCIENCE?"
"Uh, guys," Alaska said, stepping between them, "What is that?"
Roulette and Kai turned around several times, trying to see where she was pointing. Finally they pinpointed it: something glowing against the dark, moving towards them. "I feel like we should get closer," Kai whispered.
"Yeah, I feel like it's safe," Roulette added, his overly enthusiastic accent forgotten.
They all crept forward, and the light moved towards them. Inside each of their hearts, they felt a warmth. "Are we dead?" Kai wondered.
"I don't think so." Alaska narrowed her eyes. "Wait a minute..."
As the glowing form came closer, it began to take on a familiar appearance.
"Is that..." Alaska asked.
"I think it is." Kai facepalmed.
Finally, they were sure of what they were seeing. The glorious light-filled being before them was a golden, noble-looking fish, its long, regal whiskers hanging down before its face that somehow seemed like a lion's mane. "MY CHILDREN," it gurgled, "DO NOT FEAR ME."
"Wasn't planning on it," Roulette said. The golden Magikarp was now close enough to all of them that it illuminated a small circle around them.
"I HAVE COME HERE TODAY TO TEACH YOU AN IMPORTANT LESSON."
"Is it about differential induction?" Kai asked hopefully.
"NO," the great beast responded, "IT IS ABOUT YOUR FREEDOM, NAY, YOUR VERY STATUS AS HUMAN BEINGS."
The three were immediately humbled. Mostly.
"THERE IS A GREAT EVIL IN THIS LAND. I HAVE COME TO DEFEAT IT."
"What evil?" Kai's eyes were wide.
"IT IS CALLED... SOPA."
"LAUGH NOT, FRAIL MORTAL, FOR IT WILL DESTROY YOU."
"How could something with that dumb a name be dangerous?" he asked.
"SOPA IS A TERRIBLE BEAST. IT DESTROYS ALL SHARED INFORMATION, AND WITH IT, FREE THOUGHT. EVEN THIS WORLD OF POKEMON IS IN TERRIBLE DANGER."
"Nah, we'll just get ST to beat it up," Kai assured them happily.
"THE ONE YOU CALL ST WILL ALSO BE EATEN, AS THE NAME SIBERIAN TIGER IS A REGISTERED TRADEMARK OF THE WORLD WILDLIFE FOUNDATION."
"Soooo, that means...." Alaska trailed off.
"CORRECT. ALL OF YOU WILL BE DOOMED IF WE DON'T STOP IT. POKEMON ITSELF BELONGS TO THE NINTENDO CORPORATION, ALONG WITH PIDGE(Y), ASH, AND MEW. NEMO IS PART OF THE DISNEY FRANCHISE. BUMBLEBEE IS A TRANSFORMER, AND THUS, IS OWNED BY HASBRO."
"Oh, God," Kai moaned.
"BUT, THERE IS GOOD NEWS. I HAVE A SOLUTION TO OUR PROBLEM. I HAVE COME TO THIS DIMENSION, SO THAT I MAY FIGHT THE SOPA BEAST BEFORE IT IS EVEN FULLY BORN INTO THIS REALM."
The Magikarp floated silently for a moment, its mouth opening and closing in a way that would have been very dramatic had it not been a large goldfish. When the trio realized that it expected some sort of response, they all made polite noises of interest.
"But who exactly are you?" Kai asked.
"I, SMALL CHILD, AM ASLANKARP."
"Isn't... isn't that also copyrighted?" Alaska ventured.
"INDEED. WHICH IS WHY I MUST FIGHT IT."
Suddenly, the ground began to shake and rumble, the entire earth seemed to move from the force of whatever was approaching. In the distance, they could hear a primal scream.
"THE BEAST IS COMING!"
Aslankarp began to blow bubbles excitedly, then grew brighter and brighter, until he illuminated a large area, and the group found that they were now in a large forest. The ground became still and the air was thick with silence.
"What-" Roulette started to ask, but before he could finish, a huge black-and-white mouse that was oddly humanoid burst through the trees.
"PIRATING MEANS LESS MONEY FOR EISNER," it screeched, and fire burst forth from its lips. Where its spittle fell, the ground sizzled and became dead.
"Oh my God, it's Disney," Alaska screamed. She fell to her knees, all hope seemingly lost.
"HAVE FAITH, CHILDREN, HAVE FAITH," yelled Aslankarp above the cacophony, and leaped into the air. The URPGers watched as he flew higher and higher, until he disappeared into the clouds.
The hideous mouse took a step forward, its gaping maw filled with razor sharp teeth, and unnecessary direct-to-DVD sequels. Just when they thought that Aslankarp had abandoned them, something golden glittered in the sky, like a star falling to earth. The mouse was about to take another step, when it sensed something was wrong. It looked upwards, just as Aslankarp smashed into him. Bits of mouse and fish flew everywhere.
"Shit, shit, shit, this is like Bandi's birthday party!" Roulette yelled as he tried to rip off his shirt, which was covered in a puree of fish and rodent.
"He died..." Kai mumbled, "For us."
"No," Alaska corrected her, a hand on her shoulder, "he died for the internet, and if we value his sacrifice, we too will work to fight SOPA, and make sure it never rears its ugly head again."
Roulette began to hum "A Pirate's Life For Me." One of the mouse's fingers twitched as if in pain.
SO REMEMBER, KIDS, CENSORSHIP IS BAD. IF SOPA AND PIPA ARE PASSED, YOU CAN SAY GOODBYE TO THE URPG, BMG, PE2K, BULBAPEDIA, AND PROBABLY YOUR USERNAMES. FIGHT BACK. TAKE ACTION. EVEN IF YOU DON'T LIVE IN THE U.S., YOU CAN HELP! SO GO OUT AND KICK SOME ASS.