Today's Episode of the URPG is Brought to You by CENSORSHIP RAWR (Why I Hate SOPA)
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    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Today's Episode of the URPG is Brought to You by CENSORSHIP RAWR (Why I Hate SOPA)

    Pokemon Capture: Magikarp
    Characters Needed: 3000
    Actual Characters: 5342


    One night, Alaska and friends were watching a metric buttload of porn, while Kai shuddered in the corner. Then the darkness came. There was little warning, before it happened. One moment they were peacefully watching borderline illegal Russian pornography, the next, a blackness came sweeping across the land.

    "Dammit," shouted Roulette, "Who let Maverick in here?"

    "I don't think it was Maverick," Kai said, toeing the ground nervously, "That's not really how science works..."

    "WHO SAID NUTHIN' BOUT SCIENCE?"

    "Uh, guys," Alaska said, stepping between them, "What is that?"

    Roulette and Kai turned around several times, trying to see where she was pointing. Finally they pinpointed it: something glowing against the dark, moving towards them. "I feel like we should get closer," Kai whispered.

    "Yeah, I feel like it's safe," Roulette added, his overly enthusiastic accent forgotten.

    They all crept forward, and the light moved towards them. Inside each of their hearts, they felt a warmth. "Are we dead?" Kai wondered.

    "I don't think so." Alaska narrowed her eyes. "Wait a minute..."

    As the glowing form came closer, it began to take on a familiar appearance.

    "Is that..." Alaska asked.

    "I think it is." Kai facepalmed.

    Finally, they were sure of what they were seeing. The glorious light-filled being before them was a golden, noble-looking fish, its long, regal whiskers hanging down before its face that somehow seemed like a lion's mane. "MY CHILDREN," it gurgled, "DO NOT FEAR ME."

    "Wasn't planning on it," Roulette said. The golden Magikarp was now close enough to all of them that it illuminated a small circle around them.

    "I HAVE COME HERE TODAY TO TEACH YOU AN IMPORTANT LESSON."

    "Is it about differential induction?" Kai asked hopefully.

    "NO," the great beast responded, "IT IS ABOUT YOUR FREEDOM, NAY, YOUR VERY STATUS AS HUMAN BEINGS."

    The three were immediately humbled. Mostly.

    "THERE IS A GREAT EVIL IN THIS LAND. I HAVE COME TO DEFEAT IT."

    "What evil?" Kai's eyes were wide.

    "IT IS CALLED... SOPA."

    Roulette snorted.

    "LAUGH NOT, FRAIL MORTAL, FOR IT WILL DESTROY YOU."

    "How could something with that dumb a name be dangerous?" he asked.

    "SOPA IS A TERRIBLE BEAST. IT DESTROYS ALL SHARED INFORMATION, AND WITH IT, FREE THOUGHT. EVEN THIS WORLD OF POKEMON IS IN TERRIBLE DANGER."

    "Nah, we'll just get ST to beat it up," Kai assured them happily.

    "THE ONE YOU CALL ST WILL ALSO BE EATEN, AS THE NAME SIBERIAN TIGER IS A REGISTERED TRADEMARK OF THE WORLD WILDLIFE FOUNDATION."

    "Soooo, that means...." Alaska trailed off.

    "CORRECT. ALL OF YOU WILL BE DOOMED IF WE DON'T STOP IT. POKEMON ITSELF BELONGS TO THE NINTENDO CORPORATION, ALONG WITH PIDGE(Y), ASH, AND MEW. NEMO IS PART OF THE DISNEY FRANCHISE. BUMBLEBEE IS A TRANSFORMER, AND THUS, IS OWNED BY HASBRO."

    "Oh, God," Kai moaned.

    "BUT, THERE IS GOOD NEWS. I HAVE A SOLUTION TO OUR PROBLEM. I HAVE COME TO THIS DIMENSION, SO THAT I MAY FIGHT THE SOPA BEAST BEFORE IT IS EVEN FULLY BORN INTO THIS REALM."

    The Magikarp floated silently for a moment, its mouth opening and closing in a way that would have been very dramatic had it not been a large goldfish. When the trio realized that it expected some sort of response, they all made polite noises of interest.

    "But who exactly are you?" Kai asked.

    "I, SMALL CHILD, AM ASLANKARP."

    "Isn't... isn't that also copyrighted?" Alaska ventured.

    "INDEED. WHICH IS WHY I MUST FIGHT IT."

    Suddenly, the ground began to shake and rumble, the entire earth seemed to move from the force of whatever was approaching. In the distance, they could hear a primal scream.

    "THE BEAST IS COMING!"

    Aslankarp began to blow bubbles excitedly, then grew brighter and brighter, until he illuminated a large area, and the group found that they were now in a large forest. The ground became still and the air was thick with silence.

    "What-" Roulette started to ask, but before he could finish, a huge black-and-white mouse that was oddly humanoid burst through the trees.

    "PIRATING MEANS LESS MONEY FOR EISNER," it screeched, and fire burst forth from its lips. Where its spittle fell, the ground sizzled and became dead.

    "Oh my God, it's Disney," Alaska screamed. She fell to her knees, all hope seemingly lost.

    "HAVE FAITH, CHILDREN, HAVE FAITH," yelled Aslankarp above the cacophony, and leaped into the air. The URPGers watched as he flew higher and higher, until he disappeared into the clouds.

    The hideous mouse took a step forward, its gaping maw filled with razor sharp teeth, and unnecessary direct-to-DVD sequels. Just when they thought that Aslankarp had abandoned them, something golden glittered in the sky, like a star falling to earth. The mouse was about to take another step, when it sensed something was wrong. It looked upwards, just as Aslankarp smashed into him. Bits of mouse and fish flew everywhere.

    "Shit, shit, shit, this is like Bandi's birthday party!" Roulette yelled as he tried to rip off his shirt, which was covered in a puree of fish and rodent.

    "He died..." Kai mumbled, "For us."

    "No," Alaska corrected her, a hand on her shoulder, "he died for the internet, and if we value his sacrifice, we too will work to fight SOPA, and make sure it never rears its ugly head again."

    Roulette began to hum "A Pirate's Life For Me." One of the mouse's fingers twitched as if in pain.

    ~*~

    SO REMEMBER, KIDS, CENSORSHIP IS BAD. IF SOPA AND PIPA ARE PASSED, YOU CAN SAY GOODBYE TO THE URPG, BMG, PE2K, BULBAPEDIA, AND PROBABLY YOUR USERNAMES. FIGHT BACK. TAKE ACTION. EVEN IF YOU DON'T LIVE IN THE U.S., YOU CAN HELP! SO GO OUT AND KICK SOME ASS.
    Last edited by Alaskapigeon; 19th January 2012 at 12:15 AM.
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    Angry about Outer Heavens ChainReaction01's Avatar
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    Default Re: Today's Episode of the URPG is Brought to You by CENSORSHIP RAWR (Why I Hate SOPA

    Claimed, apparently. Grading this will be... interesting.
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    Angry about Outer Heavens ChainReaction01's Avatar
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    Default Re: Today's Episode of the URPG is Brought to You by CENSORSHIP RAWR (Why I Hate SOPA

    @Alaskapigeon My apologies if this grade seems negative, I certainly don't intend it that way.

    Introduction

    I’m kinda treating everything before meeting Aslankarp as the “Introduction”. I’m not going to lie, it’s not fantastic. The characters are simply listed as “Alaska and friends”, which could include any number of individuals. I’m pretty sure that it’s only Alaska, Roulette and Kai there, so it would have been nice to get an exact count of your character list instead of just a vague phrase. Actually, now that I think of it;

    One night, Alaska and friends were watching a metric buttload of porn, while Kai shuddered in the corner.
    Technically, only Alaska and Roulette were watching the porn, so it’d be Alaska and friend. No plural.

    Next-up, the surroundings aren’t described. Alaska and Roulette are watching porn, so I assume there’s a computer or a TV, and Kai’s in a corner, but nothing more is given. That’s probably because it disappears in the next paragraph, but that’s not a particularly good excuse. I had to reread the first couple of paragraphs a few times just to get what was going on, and that’s not a good sign.

    Plot

    It’s a basic plot, but it will do. Alaska, Roulette and Kai are watching, watching and not watching porn (in that order) before their (supposedly) virtual hangout is erased. A Magikarp shows up and announces that it’s here to fight off SOPA, an evil creature who wishes to destroy everything. SOPA shows up in the form of Mickey Mouse, and Aslankarp suicide-bombs the mouse, leaving a faintly heart-warming message about the fight to protect the internet.

    Not really much I can say here, it’s got everything an Easiest-rank story needs. My only question is why Aslankarp sought out Alaska and friends to begin with. I mean, I can think of a couple reasons, but it would have been nice if one was directly stated.

    Dialogue

    I’m also going to address characterisation in this section, because that’s what most of your dialogue is doing. I feel like the characters of Alaska, Roulette and Kai have sprouted fully-formed from a prequel. They clearly have well-defined characteristics and personalities, and yet we’re never given any insight or introduced to these character quirks slowly. It’s almost like you need to be in the Shipping community to understand what the deal is with these characters, and while that’s fine for now it would have been nice for there to be a gradual slope into insanity as opposed to being thrown into the pool.

    However, like I said, once I actually figured out who was who doing what, the characters were amusing, especially Aslankarp, if only because he was incredibly reminiscent of Catatafish. The dialogue itself was fine – it certainly sounded like the characters were really talking to each other. This was definitely the strongest part of your story.

    Grammar

    I take it back. This is the strongest part. Nothing to see here folks, move along.

    Detail

    Like I already said, there is a distinct lack of description in your introduction that really bothered me. Thankfully, it got much better throughout the story. Your description of Catata- sorry, Aslankarp- was very good, and the stuff about SOPA was masterful.

    Where its spittle fell, the ground sizzled and became dead.
    The hideous mouse took a step forward, its gaping maw filled with razor sharp teeth, and unnecessary direct-to-DVD sequels.
    Simply fantastic. I guess I could also mention the pretty good one-shot descriptions you gave out about the forest where the climax takes place but it’s not necessary. Oh wait, I kinda just did.

    Length

    Your story is 5.5k, which is plenty over what’s needed for a Magikarp. Equally importantly, your story doesn’t feel stretched out or amputated in places, which is fantastic to see. Well done.

    Climax

    The climax is when Aslankarp fights SOPA. Or, well, I think it is. The tension certainly built, and the description of the suicide-bombing was amusing, but I can’t help but feel like something’s missing. Perhaps Aslankarp could have attempted to fight SOPA off first, or you could have allowed SOPA to get off a few punches. This way, it kinda looks like Aslankarp just came to die, not fight, and yet he clearly claims that’s what he’s here to do. That only counts as fighting if he attended the Taliban’s Tertiary-Level College Equivalent of Self-Explosive Fisticuffs.

    Still, I’ve seen worse climaxes, and the story didn’t hang out once the action ended, which is great. I’ll challenge one thing, though:

    EVEN IF YOU DON'T LIVE IN THE U.S., YOU CAN HELP!
    Not really. Everyone keeps saying this, but it’s simply not true. I spent half an hour looking for how I could help fight back, and short of joining up with Anonymous the only way I could find was to bitch to my International Advisor or something, and since Australia is the USA’s butt-slave we wouldn’t dare ask them to think twice about something.

    Overall

    Eh, at least it’s not grimdark.

    Magikarp Captured.

    These little skits are amusing, especially to those who are in on the joke, but be careful about using them for higher-ranked mons, if you were thinking of doing that (I’m not saying you are). I have no qualms whatsoever in telling you that if this was a Simple-rank Pokemon, it would have failed. However, the plot was okay, the descriptions were fantastic, and the whole thing was amusing. Just be careful about stories that are essentially one big in-joke.
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