Time to cool off

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  1. #1
    PhD Mad Science.
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    Default Time to cool off

    Attempted Pokemon: Magikarp (Easiest)
    Characters Needed: 3K-5K
    Characters in the Story: 4,986

    ~~Time to cool off
    Aubrey leaned back in his lawn chair and sipped his lemonade, through a green crazy straw. The eighteen year old delivery boy was clad simply in blue jeans and an olive green band tee-shirt. His Poochyena, Ms. Wolf, was curled up next to him on the grass of route twenty four, eyes closed and snoring very lightly. They had been resting there the better part of an hour, enjoying the sunlight and the cool breeze. Ms. Wolf was a healthy specimen of Poochyena with sleek black fur and lean muscles, Aubrey clearly took excellent care of the pup.

    Ms. Wolf rolled onto her side and started running in her sleep, probably dreaming of chasing a Meowth. She growled at thin air baring her teeth at the dream. Aubrey chuckled, he had seen her act this way in her sleep countless times. He pushed his shades down from his forehead to cover his eyes. Quite suddenly and unexpectedly Ms. Wolf awoke and jumped up looking off towards Nugget Bridge. Aubrey turned to see what had woken her and saw two of Misty’s trainer’s a red head and a blonde wearing bikinis and towels walking along the bridge and gossiping, attractive young ladies were the young lad’s Achilles heel.

    He cracked a grin and jumped up brushing himself off and straightened his clothing. Aubrey started walking casually along toward the ladies, Ms. Wolf following close right behind him. “Hello hello! If it isn’t Katy and Sally, how are you talented trainers doing this spring time afternoon?” he asked giving them a little mock bow.

    When both the girls turned to look at Aubrey, they rolled their eyes in unison. “Not this guy again,” The red head whispered to the blonde. “Listen delivery boy, we don’t have time to deal with pond scum,” Said the blonde, she eyed him up and down giving him a disgusted look, and it wasn’t that Aubrey was unattractive. In fact when he had first moved to Cerulean he earned a reputation as a ladies’ man. The only problem was, Cerulean was a tiny town.

    The red headed girl scoffed at him and crossed her arms scowling at him fiercely. “Our names are Stacey and Kimie. I thought you would have remembered that Yew, after going on three dates with both of us, on the same nights.” She hissed and her tone made him take a few steps back, they were superior trainers after all.

    Behind her master Ms. Wolf growled everyone turned their attention to the Poochyena. “Wow Yew,” Said Kimie the red headed girl “how long have you had that puppy and it still hasn’t evolved?” Aubrey knelled down and scratched Ms. Wolf behind her ears. “Aw, why would I want this ador-“ However he was cut off by Stacey “How long?” He took a deep sigh and rolled his eyes as if he did not care about his reputation as a trainer. “Eight years, what of it?” He asked turning back to face the girls with a scowl. “And it’s your only Pokémon?” asked Kimie, who burst out laughing pointing at Aubrey. This wasn’t going as well as he had hoped. “What do I need another one for? I’m just a delivery boy not some gym leader’s lackey.” That shut Kimie up from laughing. It was true he only battled wild Pokémon who would attack him during his deliveries throughout Kanto. “Besides Misty has like what? Three or four Pokémon? ” he asked.

    In response to his observation Stacey took out a pokeball. ‘Where did that come from?’He thought to himself. But before he could further ponder the hiding places on her outfit she let the Pokémon out, a Seaking. He looked down at the water Pokémon and held up his hands passively. “Whoa now, I don’t do Pokémon battles with trainers, remember?” he asked raising his eyebrows at the girl. Stacey gave an grin “That’s fine by me loser. Seaking, Water gun!” She shouted and the next thing Aubrey knew he was on his back, winded, and completely soaked with a sharp pain in his gut. He coughed sitting up and watched the girls walking away laughing hysterically. “That loser couldn’t even capture a Magikarp!” he heard one of that say to the other.

    Aubrey got to his feet scowling; they had hurt his pride more than anything. “Couldn’t catch a Magikarp huh? All right, we’ll show them!” He shouted as he marched into the nearby field, and grabbed a large sturdy stick. He walked back over to his lawn chair and pulled out some string and his packed lunch. He tied the string around both the stick and a roll and marched to the nearby lake and dipped it into water and waited still fuming. Ms. Wolf watched him with a look of exasperation in her eyes the whole time. She let out a heavy sigh and walked over to him by the shore laid by her feet giving her trainer a look of distaste. She hated when he got into one of his moods.

    It didn’t take long for one of the many kings of karp to bite. Aubrey felt the tug on his make shift fishing rod and pulled back. He pulled a magnificent example of the common pokemon out of the river. Its whiskers and fins shone like gold, its scales glinted in the sunlight like rubies. Aubrey was calmed down from his anger when he saw how good it looked, for a Magikarp.
    Last edited by ProfessorYew; 9th February 2011 at 11:57 PM.

  2. #2
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Time to cool off *Ready for grading*

    A Farewell to Backlog(geddit? Cause I grader n is book?)
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
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    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
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  3. #3
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Time to cool off *Ready for grading*

    Intro: Not too bad of an intro. We get a good introduction of Audrey and Ms. Wolf and the area surrounding Cerulean city. It's not super gripping, but this isn't an overly dramatic story, so it's okay. You're pretty much fine here.

    Plot: Aight, so basically, Aubrey is hanging out by the side of the road, approaches some of Misty's trainers, battles one of them, loses, and sets off to catch a Magikarp. Unfortunately, there's no actual Magikarp in your story. You just mention one. You HAVE to have the Pokemon you want to capture somewhere in your story in order to catch it, so....Just read through the rest of your grade and we'll see. Anyways, continuing with this section, this plot is fine for a simple or easiest Pokemon, but once you get into the realm of medium or higher, you're going to want a slightly more complex plot. Just a protip.

    Dialogue: You didn't have too much dialogue, but the only problems with what you did have were some grammar stuff I mentioned below.

    Grammar:

    His Poochyena Ms. Wolf was laying next to him on the grass of route twenty four eyes closed and snoring very lightly.
    You need to put some commas in there, like this:

    His Poochyena, Ms. Wolf, was laying next to him on the grass of route twenty four, eyes closed and snoring very lightly.
    Aubrey chuckled, used to this behavior, pushing his shades down from his forehead to cover his eyes.
    Tense change. 'Pushing' should be 'pushed' since you're writing in past tense.

    Ms. Wolf awoke however and jumped up looking off towards Nugget Bridge.
    You need commas before and after 'however'.

    “Not this guy again.” They whispered to each other.
    Aight. Grammar lesson time, because you make this mistake several times in your story. When you have a dialogue tag after something your characters say, you need to have a comma. A dialogue tag could be any of the following:

    "Hello," he said.

    "Hello," he whispered.

    "Hello," he yelled.

    And they go on and on. Basically, anything that's any way of describing HOW someone said something. THAT is a dialogue tag and they require a blood sacrifice of commas to keep themselves from murdering us all on the full moon.

    Said the girl on the left, she eyed him up and down giving him a disgusted look, it wasn’t that Aubrey was unattractive.
    These are two separate sentences. You should split them up after 'look'.

    Okay so that's about it. Basically, you need some work with commas. ADD COMMAS WHERE THERE IS A PAUSE IN THE SENTENCE. There are exceptions, but basically, you just need practice.

    Detail: You really don't have any detail, though this is your first story, so I'll let you off with a lecture. NO BEHEADINGS JUST YET. When I grade, I look for detail in several categories: Description of how the Pokemon look, description of how the human characters look, description of the scene, and if there's a battle, how the moves in the battle work. There are other things that authors use to tie their stories together as well, that depend on things like prose, but you're kinda new to this, so don't worry too much. I'd recommend reading some stories by the older authors like Magikchicken, Kai-mei, Scourge of Nemo, etc. It's really important to remember to give at least a little detail about your characters, as it can tell us so much about them. For example, if Aubrey wears a trench coat, we get the idea that he might be somewhat odd, or if he wears a ratty t-shirt and shorts, he's probably really laid back. Also, it's the little things that really help the reader imagine the story, so....yeah.

    Length: You needed 3k and you had 4.1k, so you're fine.

    Reality: There was nothing terribly unrealistic in your story, so you're fine.

    Personal Feelings: Your story had it's problems, but nothing more than most first stories. The major problem here, is that your capture Pokemon is nowhere to be seen. X_X

    Outcome: Magikarp....not captured.

    Go back, fix some of your grammar, put a Magikarp in there somewhere, and maybe add some detail. Then, IM me, PM me, VM me, or what have you, and I'll regrade this. ^_^
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

  4. #4
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Time to cool off *Ready for grading*

    Alright, alright, you added some detail, fixed some of your grammar, and threw a Magikarp in there.



    Go ahead and take him.
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

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