They won't be coming around the mountain, but will still come (Not ready for Grading)

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Thread: They won't be coming around the mountain, but will still come (Not ready for Grading)

  1. #1
    Stumped Turtwig A's Avatar Bulbapedia Junior Administrator
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    Default They won't be coming around the mountain, but will still come (Not ready for Grading)

    Targets: Mankey (simple, 5,000 to 10,000 characters) and Geodude (also simple, 5,000 to 10,000 characters)
    Length: 12,413 characters.

    A and his Turtwig were on the move, on a journey to a mountain chain. They weren't here just for the sake of being there though, no. They had a purpose.

    You see, they'd met more than a fair share of hikers on the journey they'd taken through the cities, with all bragging about their Rock and Ground types, though some the occasional Fighting-type. Of course, Turtwig usually quickly defeated them with Mega Drain (though it would take a little longer with the Fighting-types), but now A was curious about the Pokémon that they had.

    They started to intrigue him, as he decided to turn his quest into an attempt to see the world. As everyone knows as well, the best place for someone to catch at least a glimpse of one is in the mountains. Here, he'd check out how these creatures lived and maybe even catch a couple for his bare team of one.

    Now here they were at the foot of the Mightyena Mountains. The mountains were under control by the government as a National Park, but the only thing they really did was sell tools and give some tips to people.

    The Pokémon that the hikers that A saw had most often could be found at the summit of one of the mountains. Interestingly, said mountain is the only one open for free exploration.

    A found one of the park workers, and asked how one could climb the mountain. The worker responded by saying, "you can go through this mountain in one of two ways. The first way is by going into the mountain and climbing the ladders to the top. I'd recommend it if it didn't have two gigantic flaws: Zubat annoying you every step of the way and the requirement of some HMs to climb, most notably Rock Climb. The other way is by climbing the old fashioned way, with only your body and your Pokémon. But if you don't think you could do it all by you and your part, you could buy some tools for $3000."

    Actually, I'm a little short on cash right now," A responded.

    It was, of course, true, as A spent much of his cash on goods in the National Park of the Orange Islands and was saving up to enter the island for himself. "Well, anyway," the worker started again, "the true climbing part is a bit harder than just going up some ladders. You have to face some stronger wild Pokémon, most of which we know nothing about. In a Trainer's eyes though, it's actually the ideal way of getting some new Pokémon for their teams. Did you know that the Gym Leader of Kanto's Pewter gym, Brock, actually got his Kabutops as a Kabuto by going up through the mountains? That's how weird that path is. Well, anyway, the entrance to the Mightyena Mountains can be found over there if you didn't know."


    The worker then pointed to a desk near a large gate. A thanked the worker for his help, and then went to the entrance. "You entering the park?" the man there asked.

    "Indeed I am," A responded, and the worker proceeded to open the gate.

    After he and his Turtwig stepped in, A could hear the creak the gate made behind him as it closed. Two other gates now loomed in front of him, standing next to each other. Another park worker was on the right of him. "Are you going to take the cave route or are you going to climb?" she asked.

    A thought about this.'While Zubat are annoying, they aren't as bad as what could be out there. Though more variety could give me some team options. Turtwig is getting tired, and who knows, maybe I'll find one of my favorites out there' A thought.

    Finally, after thinking it all through, A made his choice, saying "I'll go with the climb if that would be alright".

    The worker nodded, and then proceeded to open the next gate. A called Turtwig back to his ball and started to climb.

    The beginning of the climb was peaceful, even a little boring. Sure, there would be a bird flying around in a circle, and a dark puppy-like species trying to find food at times, but they never disturbed A.

    A little while into the hike however, the times of peace were ended when a brown fur-ball tackled A. A small, raging bear with a C on its head stood in his path. It was a Teddiursa that stood in his path.

    "Good thing this part of the path is leveled out," A commented as he grabbed his Poké Ball and sent Turtwig out.

    "Okay, Turtwig, time to have our first battle of the day. You ready?"

    His trusty partner made a notion that appeared to be a nod, After seeing the nod, A proceeded. "Turtwig, use Tackle," was his first command, but the Teddiursa was inteligent for its species. It dodged and quickly scraped Turtwig with a Scratch. Turtwig was in much discomfort. "Turtwig, jump behind Teddiursa and use Giga Drain, followed by a Leaf Storm!" yelled A. Turtwig did as said and Teddiursa tried to escape. It was however, too late, as Turtwig had already began sucking its energy. Now weakened, Turtwig began using Leaf Storm.Leaves were slowing gathering in a tornado-esque way around Turtwig. Seconds later, the leaves were then fired at Teddiursa, and it almost fainted. However, it soon tackled Turtwig and the turtle seeded the tiny cub with a Leech Seed. The battle went on for a while, and, soon enough, energy was taken by the Leech Seed that the Teddiursa fainted.

    At this point, things started going downfall. An Ursaring, most likely the Teddiursa's mother or father, saw Teddiursa and then A and Turtwig. It roared by saying "URSAAAA!", which probably meant "I'LL GET REVENGE ON YOU FOR TEDDIURSA!" in Pokémon speak. It then picked up Teddiursa and started chasing A and Turtwig, but Turtwig started lagging behind and A had to call him back into his Poké Ball. The Ursaring soon began picking up rocks with one hand and began throwing especially big ones at A. It when on like this for what seemed like days and A knew he would have to find an escape route soon enough or he'd either get caught by the Ursaring or get hit by a rocks it was throwing at him. Luckily, when A started getting to the steep parts, he started climbing, hoping that the Ursaring couldn't climb. Luckily enough, it couldn't, and A was able to continue his climb normally. Soon, night came and A began to set up a tent. They then went to sleep The next morning started on a sour night. A woke up when he felt a strong jolt. He sent Turtwig from his Poké Ball. The two exit the tent and then see what was the cause of the jolt. Gleaming in the sun was none other than a Mankey. A knew Mankey very well, because the species were among his most favorite. "I have to catch it!" A exclaimed. He commanded Turtwig to use Razor Leaf. However, only two leaves hit the speedy Mankey. Luck now appeared to come back to A's side, as one leaf managed to cut the Mankey, and it writhed in pain. "Turtwig, now use Tackle!" was A’s next command. It obeyed, and the Mankey was still in pain. Noticing its odds, the Mankey attempted to flee and did. "Yet another one slips under my radar" A began. "Oh well. I’ll just have to try next time." A then recalled Turtwig and continued climbing.

    Trouble would once again cross the young boy and his Pokémon’s path, as when A started to get closer and closer to the summit, he started to see a peculiar sight. Absol were gathering around the area, with more and more coming until there were at least one hundred were there. A, having studied mythology and Pokémon species, knew what this meant. "Hey Turtwig" he began to say. Just then though, he realized that he had forgotten to send the little turtle out. Glad nobody saw that, he proceeded to send Turtwig out and began again. "Hey Turtwig, I think trouble’s brewing around the area. A bunch of Absol are gathered right here, and Absol usual signify disaster. Let’s go up before it comes okay?". Turtwig nods, and rather than recalling it, A decide to let it stay out to keep him company.

    Rather than just climbing the mountain relaxingly, the two start to race up it with a sense of alarm. In almost 10 minutes flat, they managed to reach the summit. However, all of the Pokémon of the area were fleeing. "But why?", A said. He didn’t have to search far to see his answer though, for a large balloon was approaching the area. "This must be the disaster" A soon realized. "Turtwig, use Razor Leaf!" he soon commanded. The Turtwig obeyed, but the balloon was tough. Out of the balloon came a man. They were not the most attractive of people, having a huge scar across their face. "Who are you!" A yelled at them. They ignored A, and proceeded to send out a Solrock. "Solrock, use Psychic on that pesky kid and his turtle!" the man said. The Pokémon obeyed, and, using its mind, picked up A and his Turtwig, and brought them to the man. "I am Gord" the man spoke, his voice echoing beyond the mountains. "I came here to steal all the Pokémon of the area, and I won't let anyone interfere!". A, though, whispered into Turtwig's ear to use Leech Seed. Soon, seeds flew out of the Turtwig and into the Solrock. Distracted, it let go of A and Turtwig, and A commanded Turtwig to tackle Gord. Gord, despite knowing that odds would soon pile against him, sent out another Pokémon. "This Pokémon came from ancient times" he said. It knows techniques that others have forgotten in time. Try stopping it." The Pokémon was a Baltoy. It looked like a top, and knew ancient powers. A, however, also knew it was a Ground-type, weak to Turtwig's Grass-type attacks. "Turtwig, use Giga Drain!" he commanded. It obeyed, though little damage was down to the Baltoy. "Foolish boy" Gord's voice boomed, "type isn't a battle's only asset. Each Pokémon has 6 attributes known as stats, and they all differ between individual ". A now remembers something he was told to remember about Turtwig, something he never understood until now. "There are two categories of attacking moves, physical and special. Each rely on a certain stat, with the Physical moves relying on regular attack and the special attacks relying on Special Attack. Turtwig have high attack power" he recalls his second ever teacher saying. "This means attacks such as Tackle will do more damage than moves like Absorb for one, if STAB isn't counted. Remember this, as it will have a high chance of being a vital piece of information when you start battling Trainers."

    Upon recalling the information, A decides to use moves classified under the 'Physical' category of moves. "Turtwig, use Crunch!" A then says. It obeys, and the Baltoy is hit. "Again!" A says, and it again obeys. The Baltoy, though, uses Rapid Spin, and both are knocked down. Turtwig, however, quickly heals by getting the last HP of Gord's Solrock, and Solrock faints. "Turtwig, use Tackle now!" A then commands, and the Baltoy is caught off guard and now faints from the damage. "Got any other Pokémon?" A asked, hoping the answer is no. His hopes were fulfilled when Gord responded by saying "Well, I didn't expect anyone to go against me, so no.". "Just consider yourself lucky." At this time however, the mountain begins to shake and Gord leaves through the balloon he entered in, also recalling his two Pokémon. "So, then I saw wrong." A starts to say. "This is the disaster, not Gord."

    The mountain keeps shaking and A knows he has to leave unless he wants to get caught in some more trouble. 'Good thing the path down is much easier than the path up' A thinks. When he and Turtwig arrive at the bottom, A sees two Pokémon stare at him. One was a Geodude, but the other one gave a big shock to A. "It’s the Mankey from earlier!" he soon exclaimed. It was unmistakable. The scar the Mankey had was in the exact same place that the leaves from Turtwig's Razor Leaf had made earlier, though it definitely had healed considerably. The Mankey was ready to fight A again, though this time it would do so with Geodude’s help. A thought about this for a while. "I guess I’ll try to catch both then." A finally proclaimed. "After all, Geodude could help against Fire and other Rock-types, and Mankey could help against Steel and Normal-types. Not to mention that I came to the mountains to see how Rock and Ground-types were." A knew Geodude would not that hard to weaken enough to capture, for his Turtwig had a double type advantage over the floating rock's type and because Geodude have an awfully low Special Defense. "Turtwig, use Mega Drain" was his command, and it was hit hard. It didn’t faint though, and was still going strong. Even though this was true, A knew that Mankey had to be focused on for now, as it soon used Karate Chop on Turtwig. "Turtwig, use Leech Seed on Mankey!" he commanded. It obeyed, and Mankey was soon seeded and losing energy by the minute. It, however, soon used Low Kick on Turtwig, and it was sent flying a distance of at least 3 feet. "Turtwig, now use Tackle" he said next, and the Mankey was sent flying at Geodude, and the two crashed into a nearby tree. Both were soon looking as if they could sleep for even more years than Rip Van Winkle. "Turtwig, finish off Mankey with Bite!" A commanded, it obeyed, and the Mankey was looking even more tired. "Now use Crunch on Geodude to finish it off" It obeyed again, and Geodude looked even more tired than Mankey, which A never thought would seem possible. "Go Poké Balls" A yelled, as he tossed two standard Poké Balls at the two Wild Pokémon. As the balls rumbled, A sweated, hoping that he would manage to capture some more Pokémon…
    Last edited by Turtwig A; 13th May 2011 at 10:17 PM. Reason: modifications

    (20:56:57) Luxis: All y'all are a bunch of Silly heads.
    RIP Giruja. Why must you have been fake?


    (17:58:01) daytwon: why am i watchin ot turtwig
    (17:58:03) ±Dratini: daytwon was muted by Heather Star for 30 minutes! [Reason: inappropriate] [Channel: Trivia]

    [15:26] Synthesis: he ain't godkilled
    [15:27] Ebail: Zam was Syn
    [15:27] Synthesis: it was an agreed sacrifice to the gods

  2. #2
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    Default Re: They won't be coming around the mountain, but will still come (Ready for Grading!

    Claimed for grading. Stand by.
    I grade things for the URPG.

    New experimental grading system. Request a tier after I claim your story:
    Tier I / Basic: A quick verdict and some useful advice without much fuss.
    Tier II / Normal: More in-depth analysis.
    Tier III / Heavy: I WILL TEAR YOUR STORY TO SHREDS AND TAP-DANCE ON THE PIECES

  3. #3
    $CUSTOM_USER_TITLE
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    Default Re: They won't be coming around the mountain, but will still come (Ready for Grading!

    Apologies for the wait. I am currently in the middle of writing your grade. It should be another hour or two.
    I grade things for the URPG.

    New experimental grading system. Request a tier after I claim your story:
    Tier I / Basic: A quick verdict and some useful advice without much fuss.
    Tier II / Normal: More in-depth analysis.
    Tier III / Heavy: I WILL TEAR YOUR STORY TO SHREDS AND TAP-DANCE ON THE PIECES

  4. #4
    $CUSTOM_USER_TITLE
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    Default Re: They won't be coming around the mountain, but will still come (Ready for Grading!

    LENGTH
    Is it long enough?

    2x Simple
    Mankey & Geodude
    Limit: 10000-20000
    You: 12394
    No problem.

    INTRO
    What impression did I get when I started reading this?

    Records indicate this is your fourth story here at the BMGF-URPG. I'll assume that you know all the conventions needed for URPG writing (grammar, spelling, capitalization of names, etc.) and just go on ahead.

    Here goes nothing!

    Your first sentence is unusual and slightly difficult to understand, but that burden's on the reader, not you. The protagonist is named "A," apparently after one of your other screennames, and it's pretty clear on the second reading if not the first.

    Anyway, we get a in medias res opening where A and his Turtwig are on the move again. There's no indication that this is a part of a series, so we don't get any previous information about what the two of them are doing.

    You have significant problems with verb tense. The first sentence is in imperfect tense (were); the second is in pluperfect (had already) and then present (are) tenses. Pick one and stick with it:
    =Writing in past tense. This is the ordinary narration style.
    ----"A and his Turtwig were on the move agian. They had already explored the dense forest, and were now on their way to explore the mountains. They'd met more than a fair share of hikers..."
    =Writing in present tense. This gives a sense of more immediacy, but it may sound too informal.
    ----"A and his Turtwig are on the move again. They've already explored hte dense forest and are now on their way to explore the mountains. They've met more than a fair share of hikers..."
    Mixing the two just makes you sound inconsistent. The very worst place to do this is at the beginning, too, because the beginning's what people notice the most. I have an entire section of the grade just devoted to analyzing how you begin telling your story— this section. Moving on...

    There are other grammatical errors and missing words ("though some the occasional" is missing a verb of some sort, probably "had" or a synonym), but I'm going to look at the bigger picture.

    The first paragraph as a whole tells us about what A is doing. He's been through forests and cities, and come across several mountain Pokemon. Now he's off to meet them in the wild. It's a decent enough explanation, although why couldn't A have just looked them up in his Pokedex? Perhaps he wants firsthand experience.

    The second paragraph. You give us the current setting: the Mightyena Mountains national park. A asks for advice on how to explore, and we get a bit of description of the area from the park worker.

    Grammar issues aside, this is a workable introduction. We don't know very much about the protagonist, but it seems that he's going to be characterized more by his actions than by his appearance. We know what he's doing and why he's there. For a short story like this one, that may be enough. I'll have to see if the rest of the story supports it enough.

    PLOT
    Is it a good story?

    Your pacing could use a lot of work. The setup is all right, with A preparing to head on up. The park ranger talks for quite a while, but that's a common, if not terribly sophisticated, way of getting exposition in. However, once the Teddiursa shows up, things go downhill.

    You start the fight scene with a terse "A little while into the hike however, he was attacked." We don't get any dramatic scene where the wild Pokemon enters and acts all menacing. It's just a Teddiursa randomly standing in the path, angry for some poorly-defined reason. After the battle, an Ursaring appears and starts chasing them. Neither the battle nor the chase are clearly described. The story's moving a little too quickly.

    You say that "Soon, night came," glossing over the entire afternoon and evening. If A is spending several hours being chased, escaping, and climbing up mountain paths, you'd better make it exciting, or at least well-described.

    Also... why is Mankey one of A's favorite species? A has only one Pokemon to his name, and it's definitely not white, round, or fuzzy. If he has a favorite Pokemon that he's never owned, you need to justify this. Otherwise, one might wrongly suspect that Mankey is simply your favorite Pokemon and you decided to shoehorn it in with no justification. This is a chance to develop A's character: what about Mankey appeals to him? Has he encountered one before? No matter how you answer these questions, you win. We know more about A and how he works, and we're drawn more deeply into the story.

    Random Absol then show up to add drama to the story. To have over a hundred of them somehow surround him on a mountain path would usually mean the end of the world or something of that level. We get... a supervillain. This could work, if it's the kind of guy that puts the super in supervillain. Gord's just here for poaching. If you're going to keep the Absol, you're going to have to upgrade Gord to justify there being so many of them.

    ...okay, you got me. Good job. Gord's just the sideshow, and his incompetence reflects that. Two Pokemon defeatable by a Turtwig? Admitting that he's not prepared? Hot-air balloon? He's faintly ridiculous. Describe him as such... give him a mustache. Long and curly. Maybe a short beard. Monocle. Silly hat? Yeah, that sounds good.

    So your actual disaster is an earthquake, a landslide, or a volcanic eruption. All of those are pretty serious, the landslide less than the others. However... nothing happens. A stops for a Pokemon battle, and we never see what happens to the mountain. It seems to be nothing more than an attempt to add extra drama and make A hurry. If you're going to use blatant plot devices, you have to have the payoff. Do we have explosions? Plumes of smoke and streams of lava? The Four Horsemen riding out? Describe this for us! Have some fun with it! This is supposed to be fun, you know. Write stuff that you think is fun.

    DIALOGUE
    Do we understand what they're saying?

    Usually, I don't have much to say about dialogue. In this case, however, there is one point I want to make:

    Story people should talk like regular people.
    A big part of realism is having your characters talk like real people would. Read off the lines in your head and think if they sound awkward. The main problem is your characters sometimes talk like Pokemon game guides. You can assume that we all know how the games work. Rest assured, I have played plenty of Pokemon. Therefore, you don't have to talk about game mechanics for our sakes, and the characters aren't likely to use it on their own. Like... say a thirteen-year-old plays baseball. Is he going to talk about his own ERA, OPS, RISP, or other statistical arcana? No, he's going to say things like "so he pitched the ball at me, it looked like it was going left, but I swung anyway. And it went deep to left field!" There will be a few technical terms, but the term you want is "colloquial." Maybe A's flashback to his teacher might be more technical, but even so... don't go overboard with it.

    Also, make sure your characters' grammar is only as mature as they are. Sure, we can use all kinds of sophisticated grammatical constructions when we're writing, but we sound significantly dumber when actual words are coming out of our actual mouths. There's no significant gap between thought and speech, unless you're some kind of master orator and you're on the job. Think about it.

    CHARACTERIZATION
    Are your characters original, well-defined, and compelling?

    I've already talked about Gord. Like I said. Mustache. Twirly mustache. Everyone loves mustaches.

    The only character of consequence is A. The Pokemon don't play much of a role.

    A is a faceless protagonist. We have no description of how old he is, what he looks like, or what he actually does for a living. He's probably too young to make a living, but even that's an assumption. Having an everyman for the protagonist is all well and good, but you need some kind of detail to flesh him out, if only a little bit. Otherwise, it's almost as bad as having no protagonist at all. Tell us... why's he wandering around? How old is he? Why does he only have one Pokemon? Who's this teacher who taught him? Give this guy some depth.

    GRAMMAR
    Does you talk pretty?

    Paragraphing
    The major problem in this story isn't something that's universal to English grammar. It's optional outside the URPG. I ran afoul of the same thing when I wrote my first story here. The issue is formatting.

    There are special formatting rules for the URPG based off the fact that we're reading these in forum posts on computer screens.

    I am talking about the Wall Of Text.

    Seeing a large unformatted block of text on one's monitor is intimidating and discouraging. It can turn people off right away, causing them to mutter the dreaded "TL;DR." (Too long; didn't read)

    The solution is simple:

    Add an extra line break between paragraphs so there's empty space separating each one. Try to keep paragraphs shorter, too. I don't entirely follow this rule in grades, but that's because I keep paragraphs with similar content together.

    Also, you must remember that each block of dialogue must be contained in its own paragraph. Thoughts count as dialogue. The major patterns are as follows.

    Action, then dialogue.
    Blah blah blah. "Blah blah blah blah."

    Dialogue interrupted by short action. Personally speaking, I kind of overuse this one.
    "Pika pika," pika pika, "pika pika pika."

    Dialogue, then action.
    "Smurf smurf smurfing smurf," smurf smurfed smurfly.

    Dialogue only.
    "Vrei sa pleci dar nu ma, nu ma iei; nu ma, nu ma iei, nu ma, nu ma, nu ma iei. Chipul tau si dragostea din tei, mi-amintesc de ochii tai."
    (Dancing optional)

    The rule of thumb is: don't have more than one character speaking in the same paragraph.

    Don't begin sentences with FANBOYS words with one exception.
    FANBOYS is an abbreviation for the seven important coordinating conjunctions in English: for, and, nor, but, or, yet, and so. It's probably a decent idea to use these words at the beginning of sentences if you're writing dialogue, since people like to begin sentences with "but," etc., but don't use them in narration. In other words, do it only if somebody's talking— and then only if that character's not a grammar nazi. Fortunately, most characters aren't.

    Watch your pronouns and antecedents.
    Pronouns are words which take the place of regular nouns. Antecedents are those regular nouns. When I'm talking about myself, for example, "I" is a pronoun standing in for the antecedent "Taras Bulba." You'd have to be some kind of narcissist to go around saying "I, Taras Bulba..."
    That said, you have to keep track of which pronouns go with which antecedents. Here's the example I'm thinking of:
    They were under control by the government as a National Park, but the only thing they really did was sell tools and give some tips to people.
    Here, the first "they" stands for the Mightyena Mountains, as seen in the sentence before. This means that the second "they" is most likely going to stand for the mountains as well. You wanted it to refer to "the government," probably, but the problem is that it's the second "they." It's better to be specific, or you'll make us wonder how mountains can sell tools, you know? So replace the second "they" with "the park rangers" or something.

    The Pokémon that the hikers that A saw had
    Awkward construction. Try "The hikers' Pokemon that A had met most often could be found..." Too many "that"s makes things flow badly. When you're telling a story, it's got to flow.

    DETAIL
    Can we see what you're saying?

    Your battles are deficient. Only half the attacks are even described at all. You shouldn't bog yourself down in the minutiae, but we need to see what's happening in the battle! Let us know what the attacks look like. How do the Pokemon react? How does A feel and react as the battle goes this way and that?

    Other parts of the story could also benefit from some extra adjectives. We don't know what anybody looks like. We don't know what time of day it is. When you're out in the great outdoors, weather matters a lot. What's it like? Where is the rest of the wildlife and what does it do?

    PLAUSIBILITY
    Does it make sense?

    No issues. It's a pretty conventional world, and pretty conventional things happen. It's got Brock! The only iffy thing is the swarm of Absol. Perhaps not quite so many of them would be better?

    Also, Turtwig's kind of overpowered. Either tell us why or use a Grotle instead.

    OVERALL
    What did I think, personally?

    Poor formatting, an overly fast pace, and lack of details make this story difficult to read.

    FINAL
    To catch, or not to catch?

    I grade things for the URPG.

    New experimental grading system. Request a tier after I claim your story:
    Tier I / Basic: A quick verdict and some useful advice without much fuss.
    Tier II / Normal: More in-depth analysis.
    Tier III / Heavy: I WILL TEAR YOUR STORY TO SHREDS AND TAP-DANCE ON THE PIECES

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