Tales Of The Sea [Ready to be graded]

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Thread: Tales Of The Sea [Ready to be graded]

  1. #1
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    Default Tales Of The Sea [Ready to be graded]

    Chars with spaces: 3947
    Chars without spaces : 3227
    Target: Magikarp (needed 3k-5k)


    The sea, once peaceful was now in a tempestuous state, boats were drifting away along the waves, without any chances to defend themselves. Only one boat, a transatlantic, that was a chromed silver tone, had a chance to withstand the tempest that had come.

    S.S. Aqua II traveled through the seas, nothing could stop them, not even the huge tempest, and not even nature would stop them. Or so they thought.

    In the middle of the tempest a pack of fish Pokémon swam, they were leaded by two sea serpents, those blue creatures had an angry expression, but deep down they were good of heart. In the night their cries were heard, they were searching for the lost ones in their packs. One of those was the son of the leader, a simple Magikarp, that couldn’t defend itself, yet he was alone, in a tempestuous sea.

    In a boat, a young man there gazed in the sea. He had a blank expression, although it was dangerous to stay there, he didn’t mind. His family had already gone, ironically in the sea, where he could die, himself. He then saw something in the horizon, a band of fish Pokémon, leaded by two Gyarados. They could wreck the ship if the route wasn’t changed, and so he ran to warn the captain.

    The Gyarados had spotted the ship, it was only a matter a time before they crossed ways, and those Pokémon had more than enough power to clear the way, the leaders muttered something to each other and started charging their attacks, before their mouths, white balls were forming and then all that was seen, was a big white flash, and as it was one of destiny’s sacrileges, the storm then stopped.

    After the big white flash, the boy that was running felt a strong blow; he felt his body and his clothes getting heavy. And he sunk, but nearby, help was coming.

    A small fish swam as fast as he could, he wasn’t very strong, but he managed to bring that boy to land, as the boy awoke he returned to the seas, to find his family and his pack.

    A small pack of workers that managed to escape from the boat in time, pressed a button in a Pokéball and then a ghost that was similar to a witch, and was all purple appeared. “Magius” was it’s cry and after some orders materialized a large leaf and then launched it toward the Gyarados. Although the attack wasn’t very effective it managed to do one of the prohibited things on the sea, in fact the most dangerous one. Anger a Gyarados. A few seconds later a rampage had began.

    The boy was from a safe distance of Gyarados, yet he could see his rampage, although the storm had finished, Gyarados was in an effort to start another one. The boy then looked around to see if there was any way to reach the mainland, but he found no way, and in the shallow area near the isle’s shore a Magikarp watched the rampage.

    “Okay, need to do something” the boy said to himself. He then checked his pockets, only one small ball was there found, he pressed the button and then he saw who dwelled there. He grinned and continued to search; he found another ball, this time empty.

    “Okay, time to roll. Raichu! Come out and play” he said, and from the Pokéball a mouse that had orange fur that was striped and in his tail there was a thunderbolt like ending. He positioned himself and prepared to take the commands.

    “Thunderbolt” the boy said “just make sure it don’t hit the water” the attack hit Gyarados full force, he wasn’t knocked out though, he however stopped rampaging and focused his strengths on Raichu.

    “Let’s make it quick, attack you were born with is now in order, don’t you think? Volt Tackle!” said the boy, Raichu then was covered in electricity and started dashing, he then tackled Gyarados, it hurt already shook it off and went away.

    After putting Raichu back on it’s Pokéball he realized there was still a Pokémon there, he then crouched and said to Magikarp “And you pal? Want to stick around a little more?” he then took out the empty Pokéball and shortly after captured it. He then proceeded to find a way to get home.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Tales Of The Sea [Ready to be graded]

    Claiming.
    Expect a grade up soon. [;

  3. #3
    noble roar Buoy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Tales Of The Sea [Ready to be graded]

    I'm going to leave out a lot of stuff I'd usually say since this is an Easiest-rank story. Just know that after this story, since this is both your first for the URPG and the lowest rank, that your stories will generally be graded harder after this one.

    Introduction: You set a good scene here - we get a view, not necessarily a full one, but a view nonetheless of the tempest that is raging around. However, keep in mind that your repetitive use of the word 'tempest' can go two ways - either it'll seem awkward because they're too close together and put a reader off reading your story, or you've placed the words just right. It's usually safe to assume that if a word is repeated it'll probably be seen as awkward, so avoid using a word too many times, especially in the short spaces of sentences or paragraphs. Little things like grammatical errors, flow problems and repetitive usage of words in a nonsensical way can deter a reader, but don't worry. You'll get better, and you seem to have a good grasp of what an introduction should be like anyway.

    Plot/Battle: (Sticking those two sections together) I really don't get how people try to make Easiest-rank stories more original than some people make their plots from Simple/Medium stories. I really don't. Anyhoo, yes, the plot was original - it seemed to be that this plucky young man saw that there was a Magikarp in the middle of the tempest, and either out of niceness or out of greed or something, he decided to capture this Pokémon. For a very short story, it seemed to be okay, although a little rushed, especially during the battle which lasted for like two of Raichu's moves - Magikarp didn't really get much done. One-sided battles make for a dull conflict, so try to avoid those kinds of things - again, not that it really matters for an Easiest story, but just something to watch out for as you climb the ranks.

    As far as reality or flow goes, yeah, it's fine. I don't get how a band of Magikarp could ruin the ship, nor how an Electric-type would belong to a sailor - surely a sailor would find that such a choice in typing would sometimes be counter-productive working in wet surroundings, but sure, we'll let it slide. The whole 'destiny's sacrilege' was kind of a large stretch, even for a wholly unrealistic story set in a land that doesn't exist, and it created tension which remained unresolved throughout the rest.

    The plot flow seemed really rushed, though. Suddenly, we have a crew thrown in as well as a Mismagius, a shoal of Magikarp and two Gyarados, almost all introduced together in the same paragraph, showing that the story is moving waaay too fast. You should slow this stuff down a little /shrug.Anyway, the plot, reality, flow and battle are all fine for an Easiest, so we can move on with this grade.

    Grammar/spelling: We've got an it's vs. its problem here - its is possessive, used to describe what belongs to an it, while it's describes the actual it and what it is like. For example:

    After putting Raichu back on it’s Pokéball
    Should be its, since the Poké Ball belongs to Raichu kinda. Also, you don't put a Pokémon on its Poké Ball, you put it in it. [;
    We also have a small problem with dialogue - if you're closing dialogue, then you use a comma if the person is described with a speaking verb. If not, then close the speech with a full stop. You have a few issues with this throughout your story, so here's an example:

    “Okay, need to do something” the boy said to himself.[size=1]After the word 'something', there should be a comma to close the speech.
    There are a few other errors throughout the story, but it's nothing you shouldn't be able to catch if you proofread/spellcheck the story. I don't want to give you too much grammatical stuff in this grade as I don't want to overload you with information that you won't process. Read up on the placement of commas and colons, though. [;

    Detail/description: It's above-average considering that this is an Easiest-rank story. I don't really have much to say at this point except for you to remember to include all the sensory description - touch, taste, smell, sight and hearing. Most people only include sight, which is mainly what you've done for the story. Try to focus on adding in a bit more description as you go along in stories and story ranks to really flesh out your story and bring it to life - it'll also help add to the minimum character requirements, although those aren't entirely important and people don't follow them like a Gospel or something.

    Length: Yup, it's long enough.

    Outcome: All things considered, we can let this story have its Magikarp captured. I felt that the story was far too rushed and a bit too short, even for an Easiest-rank. Make sure to work on your grammar and description, too! You show promise for being a good writer at the URPG. [; Thanks for writing your first story, and good luck with all the rest.

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