the tale of weedle

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  1. #1
    ._. Synthesis's Avatar
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    Aug 2009
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    Default the tale of weedle

    Once upon a time in a land far far away (but not too far), there was a beautiful princess called princess Gemima. She was the fairest of them all and she had hair like pure silk. Everyone thought she was a little wetser but they would never say it in front her dad, the king. He was a big, scary man who everybody was afraid of. He also had a long grey beard like Gandalf or Dumbledore or one of those nerds. He was on a quest, however. It was his daughter's eighteenth birthday birthday coming up and he knew that he had to get his only daughter a very special present.

    "How about a Pokemon?" one of his many ugly slaves asked.

    "No, that's ridiculous. She loves ridiculous things so I must get her one. Good slave. You get to live another day!" The slave was overjoyed and brought home bread and wine for his forty six kids and mistresses he had eloped with over the years.

    "Now tell me, Slave number two. Which Pokemon is the best of them all. You have been watching Ash Ketchum's perilous adventures throughout the land, have you not?" The slave was absolutely flabberghasted at the notion and he frowned.

    "Sorry, sir, I have had to work twenty three hours and fifty nine minutes every single day for the last year so I have not been able to catch up on the anime."

    "Oh, you poor soul," the king said sadly. "Off with his head!"

    Later that day Slave number two was hung from the gallows and no one ever bullshitted the king ever again.

    "Knights, you must do me a favour. Find me the best Pokemon out there!" the king bellowed to his army of men clad in shiny armour. They raised their swords high into the air and cheered before running out and into the mystical forest near the castle. The huge oak trees cast dark shadows over the soldiers and one of the loser soliders was so scred that a little pee came out. He almost cried.

    Together, the army entered the cave. It wasn't long before a worm Pokemon popped out of the ground. Its body was brown and segmented and its two coal-like eyes sparkled.

    "What be your name?" one of the king's most trusted soldiers asked the fierce beast.

    "Weedle?" It whimpered, head cocked to one side.

    "A Weedle, huh? You must be super rare. Come with me!"

    "NEVER!" the little worm bellowed in a voice that caused the forest to shake. Startled bird Pokemon flew from their nests and all of the soldiers ran away except for the most brave one.

    "But, Weedle. If you come with us you will be the princess' very own companions."

    "OHSHI- Princess Gemima wants some action? I'm in!" the Weedle shouted and winked at the soldier. And so the human and Pokemon ventured back to the castle where the king stood there at his throne, waiting.

    "This is the best Pokemon ever?" he asked with an air of bewilderment.

    Weedle's face went ULTRA red because he was angry.

    The king didn't look too happy but he called down his daughter anyway.

    "I know this isn't much, but please, take it. Pokemon are very handy creatures when you show them love and respect."

    "Okay. Come on, Pokemon! Let's go braid my hair!" The princess and the Weedle screamed in excitement. The two darted up to her room, where she locked the door. "What's wrong, Pokemon? You don't look friendly anymore!" she shrieked.

    The Weedle gave an evil cackle as it turned around and ate the princess. Then it turned around and faced me, the author, and...

  2. #2
    Leader of the Autobots Dinobot's Avatar
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    Apr 2010

    Default Re: the tale of weedle

    Introduction: You had one of those introductions that made me want to stop reading and close the page… but as I kept reading, I see that I was wrong. You introduced two characters in the first paragraph, but did not describe what they look like. It would be nice to know what this princess looked like since she was ‘the fairest of them all’. The intro also shows us that the king is looking for a Pokémon to give his daughter for her eighteenth birthday.

    Plot: It’s a story for a Pokémon in the easiest section so I expect a simple plot. Basically a king (what is his kingdom’s name?) wants to give his daughter, the princess, the best Pokémon for her eighteenth birthday so he sends knights out. Then the Weedle they find eats the princess. Pretty straight forward and basic plot so I have no problems with this. I can see how Weedle could eat the princess since it and Kakuna are really alien Pokémon.

    Dialogue/Grammar: Didn’t see any much problem here.

    Detail: Your story pretty much lacked detail. Like I said in the ‘Intro’ section, it would have been nice to see what the princess/king/anything in this story looked like. You could have also described what their kingdom looked like or what it was even called for that matter xD.

    Weedle's face went ULTRA red because he was angry.
    Here you can tell us how red it got, as an example of what you can do and how to make your story more descriptive which will make it a better read.

    Length: Yeah, you pass here. You should have went for two Weedle and gave me one

    Battle: No battle.


    Yeah, Weedle captured. You really lacked in description and the plot was simple (which is expected I guess), but that wasn’t enough to fail you.
    Even in death, there is no command but MINE!™°|
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    3DS FC: 4914 3333 8109 IGN: Jerome


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