The Tail of Caterpie [Suggestive Material] [Comments Welcome]
Warning: Suggestive content buried deep inside. Don't read this if you're 12, k?
Grading Stuffs:
Intended Capture: Caterpie (easiest)
Characters Needed: 3-5k
Actual Characters: 4,684
The Tail of Caterpie
“Hey Ron,” the director called. “Another pokemon just came in. She’s a Caterpie too, so we’ll leave her to you.”
“Awesome,” I replied. I had been waiting for weeks to try out a few techniques.
As a 21 year old, I was new to this line of work, but my director kept telling me that if I kept this up for a few more years, I’d be the Caterpie that every pokemon in the world wanted to be.
I had a few things going for me. I was in pretty good shape from a strict self-imposed diet and exercise plan. Also my longer than average tail was pretty useful for reaching tight spots that guys with shorter ones couldn’t. That wasn’t all though. I had complete control over all of my attacks, which meant that I could build up my String Shot inside me and only let it out at the right moments.
It’s more common than most people realize for guys to not have enough discipline over their bodies. Sometimes this leads to weaker attacks, or, with String Shot in particular, it could mean that they aren’t able keep the sticky white ropes from exploding out.
As I entered her room, I saw the Caterpie my director had mentioned. Her body was the color of the lush green grass of the forest I grew up in. A few Machop carrying cameras had followed me in, and they honed in on her face before travelling slowly down her body. She lay stretched across clean white sheets, and her eyes beckoned me to go forth.
I approached the bed and introduced myself. “I’m Ron, and I’ll be taking good care of you today,” I said.
“Ooh, that’s great. Everyone told me you were the one that I wanted.” She smiled.
“I’ll do my best to live up to your expectations. I should tell you that no girl has ever walked away unsatisfied with my performance though.”
“Well, I’m only 18 and this is the first time I’ve ever been to a place like this, so you might have to help me along.”
“Alright, well how about you take your clothes off first so I can get a better look?”
As she obliged I heard a few soft gasps from the camera Machop. I couldn’t blame them: she was smoking hot.
“Is this good?” she asked uncertainly.
“That’s great,” I answered, running my eyes over her body. “Now how about you get acquainted with my tail? You said that you’ve never been anywhere like this before and I want you to be comfortable. I’ll be using it to probe you quite often.” I laid my tail on the sheets next to her.
“Oooh, this is the biggest one I’ve ever seen,” she said as she ran one of her legs down it.
“Yeah, and it gets even bigger when I’m preparing to use it on a lovely girl like you,” I said.
“Do you mind if I touch it with my mouth?”
“Sure,” I replied. As a Caterpie, I knew how important it was to take in sensory details with our mouths.
As she rubbed her mouth all over my tail, it started to swell and stiffen in anticipation of my need to use it.
“Alright, do you think you’re ready for this?” I asked.
She nodded. “Please be gentle though.”
I dipped the tip of my tail in a pot of silky clear fluid.
“This should make it better,” I said, running my now slippery tail over her body.
“Ooh yes,” she moaned softly. “Don’t stop.”
The cameras zoomed in on my glistening tail as I rubbed it on the Caterpie.
We tried out various different positions so that I could reach every part of her with my bulbous tail. Despite my self-control, I knew that I needed to release my String Shot soon.
“I’m going to cover you with my String Shot now,” I said through gritted teeth as I concentrated.
She sighed contentedly as I shot rope after rope of my sticky white fluid onto her body.
Just then my director walked in. “Great job, Ron,” the Chansey said. “I was worried about this Caterpie here. After hearing that she had been rescued from a forest fire, I wondered if she’d even make it.”
“Thanks boss,” I replied. “I used this technique that I learned a few days ago. First I covered her burns in this slick salve,” I said, indicating the pot of fluid I had covered my tail in. “It helps to soothe the wounds and also prevents the bandages from sticking to the new skin.”
“I see,” Chansey nodded in agreement. “And your String Shot work was impeccable. I’ve never seen a pokemon able to bandage with it was well as you do. I hope you got this all on tape for the nursing academy?” Chansey turned toward the Machop.
“Yep,” they said. “We paid special attention to the application of the salve with his tail. He didn’t miss a single bit of her burned skin.”
“And how are you feeling, miss?” Chansey asked the Caterpie.
“So much better. And Ron was so nice to me too.” She gushed adoringly. “Hey, maybe when I get better, you can come over to my place and I can properly thank you.” She winked.
Re: The Tail of Caterpie [ready for grade]
Non-Magikarp Story, Want and Claim
Re: The Tail of Caterpie [Suggestive Material] [ready for grade]
Intro
My first impressions of the story on a whole.
Bow chicka wow wow. At first I was like, can we have this on the URPG? And then it was like, it’s probably not what it seems. Good thing too, as it seems a lot like porn at first, but I guess suggestive materials are fine. When it was finally revealed what was going on, I thought it was very clever.
Plot/Reality
What stuck out in my mind as I was reading as unusual.
So, after knowing what is actually going on, the plot is relatively simple. You attempt to catch a Caterpie by… healing it. Ron is a great doctor with abilities that are vastly superior to others in his field.
However, it’s still a bit odd that there was whole camera crew for a medical procedure. Maybe one is enough, but a “few” seem like overkill in order to get the whole "making porn" innuendo across.
Other than that the plot is deceivingly cleaver.
Details:
What kind of picture did you paint with your words.
You do a good job in describing certain aspects of the Caterpie. However, I feel that a little more description in how a Caterpie looks. For example, you mention that his tail is longer than average; well someone who doesn’t know Pokémon wouldn’t know what average was. It is not as important for Easiest stories, but try to remember that people that reader you story might have never seen/played Pokémon. I know weird right. It’s just a good guide to go by. So mention, what the Machop look like, though they are more of side characters and describe the weird pink antenna thing on Caterpie heads. Describing Chansey wouldn't make much sense since she appears only at the end really.
Also, you could describe what makes a Caterpie hot. I don’t have any suggestions, but I’m confident that you’d be clever enough.
You also do a great job of describing the different moves and techniques of Ron. You’re clever enough to describe them in depth and to make them into innuendos.
The only thing I might have a big problem of is: why is a Caterpie wearing clothes?
Grammar:
What your high school english teacher would point out.
Overall, you have great grammar. These are the issues you do have:
You don’t capitalize the word “Pokémon.” However, at least you are consistent with using all lowercase. Honestly, since everyone is a Pokémon themselves, they don’t necessarily consider the word “Pokémon” as a proper noun. I mean, we don’t capitalize human. So, it is totally up to you in this particular story.
Next you have an issue with lay versus lie.
Quote:
I lay my tail on the sheets next to her.
In the present tense, lay is used when the subject is acting upon an object. Lie is used when the subject is not. So I lay my tail is correct if used in the present tense. However, you use the past tense in the whole story, so it would seem as if you were using the past tense form of “lie” or had a tense error. To fix this, use the past tense of lay: laid.
Quote:
She lay stretched across clean white sheets and her eyes beckoned me to go forth.
“Hey, maybe when I get better you can come over to my place and I can properly thank you.”
In both instances, you need to use a comma to separate the compound sentences.
Other than these few problems, you use dialogue tags well except for this instance:
Quote:
“So much better. And Ron was so nice to me too,” she gushed adoringly.
I’m not sure if you can really gush a phrase of dialogue. I know what you mean by it: to talk about something, praising some aspect of it, but this is borderline.
Length:
The length of time it felt like to read this story.
Though it made me uneasy at first, it was a really fast read that made me think that it was too short. You meet the character count requirements, so well done. Also, since your story is so short, you had less of a chance to mess up the grammar and such, so I couldn't nit-pick as much. Lucky you.
Personal Feelings:
Really? I have these?
It is not too often that I see a story like this. Honestly, it had me cracking up. Maybe next time you could expand on more innuendoes. Given that Caterpie has a limited number of moves, I could see another Pokémon having more innuendos available to it, especially if they have Pound or Harden.
Conclusion:
One Liner Wrap Ups
Plot/Reality: I’m glad he got to help her with her… problem.
Details: How does a Caterpie even wear clothes?
Grammar: So, Caterpie laid his tail all over her as she lay down under him. Laid.
Length: Eh, not as long as Ron's tail ;)
Verdict:
