Thread: Tag team Duo!(Chapter 1 ready for grading)

Please note, this is a chapter fic, but i am going to be going for a different pokemon each chapter. As such, Im hoping to have it graded inbetween chapters. Thanks!


Pokemon going for: Nidoran(F and M)
characters needed:10-20k
actual chars: 10005





Tag Team Duo!
Chapter 1:

I ran as fast as I could, looking for the Indigo Plateau, where the tournament would be. I saw a huge roof off to my left, and ran towards it. The grass crumpled beneath my feet as I ran and wild Pokemon scattered.

I guess I should have started with the basics. My name is Maxus Hamlet, but people call me Max. I was just barely a trainer, turning ten only three months before this. I had only two Pokemon at the time, a NidoranM and NidoranF. I called them Queen and King, respectively. Yes, I called my NidoranM Queen. You have a problem with that?

Anyway, I had finally reached the building, and I was amazed at how many trainers I saw. Everybody had two Pokemon out with them. I saw some oddball teams, and some smart ones. I saw a girl with an Espeon and an Umbreon. Another kid had a Pikachu and an Emolga. By my best guess there had to be 32 trainers here. That meant I would have to beat five of them to win.

I then realized I hadn’t even let my Pokemon out! Stumbling around in my bag (I had no fancy belt); I eventually found them, two red and white spheres. I had put a blue sticker on King’s and a purple sticker on Queens. “Come on out you two!” I shouted, throwing the spheres into the air.

The spheres flew end over end, the sun reflecting off the red shaded part. As they reached their maximum height, the spheres quit spinning, and opened up. Two red beams shot in unison towards the ground. Hitting the ground, the red beams began to take shape. Both of them turned into what seemed like some oddball variation of a dog. One was purple with a horn, the other blue with slightly larger ears. Both Pokemon smiled at me, happy to be out of their pokeballs.

“Well guys, we’re scoping out the competition. I think we can actually pull this off with some hard work,” I explained to my Pokemon. Queen the NidoranM smiled, always wanting a battle. King sort of shrugged it away though, as she wouldn’t get too excited until we were in the battle.

I noticed a booth in the distance with a sign that read “Sign-Ups”. I guess we had to go there. Some things were so simple I couldn’t believe it.

Walking over to the booth, I saw pieces of paper lying on the table. Picking one up, I read it aloud. “Name, age, Hometown, Trainer ID, Pokemon,” I read. Filling out the required info, I gave the piece of paper to the attendant.
“Thank you, the first round will begin shortly,” she said. I smiled and walked inside, looking at the huge arena. There were two arenas, so two battles could happen at a time. The bleachers were packed. I saw a sign saying “Contestants”, and it led down a hall. Following the sign, I eventually came into the trainer’s locker room.
“Come on you guys,” I said to my Pokemon, returning them to their pokeballs. I didn’t want my opponents to be able to get to see my Pokemon up close. Walking in, I saw a lot of the same people as outside, all looking up at a flat screen TV on the wall. Looking over, I saw cards being placed on a table in pairs.

One by one, the cards were flipped, and I realized that our names were on them. Looking for my name, I realized I was last to be picked. The card next to mine read Scott Greenwood. I guessed that would be my first opponent.
Suddenly a noise came from the TV. “Now that we have our matchups, let’s see who our first two battles will be!” said a cheerful MC through a microphone. She reached down and pulled a card from another deck that was on the table. “In the red arena we have battle number five, Cliff Griffies and Damian Hikomori!” the attendant read. Then she drew another card. “In the blue arena we have battle number 18, Scott Greenwood and Maxus Hamlet!” All four of you trainers please report to your arena in five minutes!” the MC continued.

I smiled. “A first rounder huh,” I muttered when a hand touched my shoulder. Spinning around, I saw a boy not much older than me, with long black hair. “You must be Max, I’m Scott,” the boy explained. I nodded my head. “Good luck out there, you’re going to need it,” Scott said with a smirk, and walked down the hall. I followed, wanting to show this guy up.

We walked out of the hall and towards the arena. Scott stopped at the nearest corner, forcing me to go to the other side. A referee stood in the middle. After I got to my side, he looked at both of us. “This will be a two on two doubles, got it?” he asked.

Both of us shook our head, and the ref smiled. “Go!”

I grabbed both my pokeballs. Throwing them into the air as hard as I could, I yelled out. “King and Queen, show them what you got!”

The spheres flew into the air, and I could just barely make out how fast they were moving. Then, they simultaneously stopped, and popped open. Two red beams shot at the same time, and formed into my two Nidoran.

I looked at my opponent, whose Pokemon were just forming. I saw a red lizard with a flame on the tip of its tail, and a blue turtle-like Pokemon, a Charmander and Squirtle team. They would be hard to beat, but we could do it. Looking at my two Pokemon, I thought of something, but my opponent was faster.

“Charmander, use Flamethrower! Squirtle, use Hydro Pump!” Scott commanded. Both his Pokemon opened their mouths wide. Charmander’s began to glow red, then shot flames, while Squirtle’s shot water.

The two attacks wrapped around each other in mid air and began to create electricity along with them. I knew this move was dangerous, but how come my opponent was starting with his best attack? Oh well. Thinking quickly, I had an idea.

“Both of you roll to the side, and then attack with poison sting!” I yelled. Both of my Pokemon stood their ground, waiting for the beam to get close. Then simultaneously my Pokemon rolled to different sides. The attack went between the two and my Pokemon then counter attacked.

Both of their horns began to glow a purple, then they shot a small beam from it. The beams came up and hit Charmander and Squirtle. Both of my opponents Pokemon fell down. The only problem was they both got back up. The attack looked like it did nothing, until I noticed Squirtle was glowing a faint purple. Yes! That meant the attack had poisoned Squirtle. Squirtle still looked as strong as ever, as if trying to shake off the pain. I gave a faint smile, knowing that I had an upper hand here.
“Scratch!” Scott yelled. Obviously his Pokemon had been training together, because they did everything in perfect unison, not missing a beat. Their claws glowed white and grew. Both Pokemon wan forward, ready to attack. Squirtle ran for King while Charmander ran for queen. I waited and waited, knowing my move, but not making it until the right time. Both of my opponent’s Pokemon lifted up their claws as they were right next to my Pokemon.
“Tackle!” I yelled. My Pokemon shot towards the exposed stomachs of the other Pokemon. King made Squirtle fly backwards, and Queen dug his horn into Charmander as King tackled. My opponents Pokemon flew backwards, ramming into the side of the arena. Charmander slowly got to his feet, but Squirtle laid there on his back.

The ref ran over to Squirtle. “Squirtle is unable to battle!” the ref shouted. I smiled, and then looked at Charmander. It was standing in front of the wall, with a Nidoran on either side of him. The Charmander gulped, and I knew he was scared.

“Charmander, spin in a circle with a Flamethrower,” Scott commanded. Charmander’s mouth began to glow red again, and it began to spin in a circle as flames shot out. King ducked as the Flames reached her, but Queen wasn’t so fast. The flames hit Queen and knocked him backwards.

I smiled, thinking Queen would get up easily. He didn’t. “NidoranM is unable to battle!” the ref called. Now it was just King and Charmander.

“You did great buddy, return,” I muttered. I pulled Queen’s pokeball off my belt and aimed it towards Queen. The red beam appeared and sucked Queen into his pokeball. Returning it to my belt, I focused on the battle again.

Charmander was still spinning in circles, the flames shooting everywhere. King was lying on the ground, having the flames go above her. I knew if I wanted to win this I would have to end it soon. “King, use poison sting!” I yelled. King lowered her head and shot a beam towards Charmander. It hit Charmander in the leg, and Charmander began to glow purple. I knew the attack poisoned Charmander.

Charmander slowed down spinning, and I knew this is where I would have my chance. “Ok King, crunch!” I yelled. King ran forwards as fast as she could, trying to outrun the flames. King’s little blue body really shone in between the flames. She got to Charmander just in time. Jumping forward, King chomped down on Charmander’s leg.

With a screech of pain, Charmander fell to the ground. Charmander’s eyes turned all swirly, and King let go. The ref ran over one final time. “Charmander is unable to battle! The winner is Max!” he announced.

I pumped my fists into the air and ran over to King. “You did amazing girl!” I said, proud of my Pokemon. Scott returned Charmander, and slowly walked over to me, holding out his hand.

I shook his hand, but didn’t say anything bad. “Your Pokemon did well, I think with some work that Flamethrower and Hydro Pump attack should turn into something amazing,” I said, smiling. Scott looked at me and smiled.

“I’m sorry about what I said before this battle, you deserve this win,” Scott said. He shook his head, his black hair whipping around. I smiled back and let go of his hand. Turning back to King, I returned her to her pokeball. I walked off of the arena, and back to the locker room. Trainers stood up and shook my hand as I entered. I saw Damian off in a corner talking, so I knew he won his battle.

Looking up at the screen, I saw a picture of me, King, and Queen. I smiled, suddenly realizing that I wanted to win this more than anything. Not only to prove to myself that I could do it, but to prove to my Pokemon they were capable of winning.

I will take you under my wing Mr.KantoMastaaaaaaaa. Expect a Grade in the next 3-7 Days due to work Issues. ^_^

Sorry so late with this Grade, I said to you on AIM I was working a lot so I took today off. Anyways..

Plot: Your plot was a bit different to this type of story. It was not “See Pokemon and go capture) type of thing. It was nice to a see different approach to a Story as well. Anyways, your character Maxus went to the Indigo League? Did he have the required amount of Badges to enter the Tournament? I could not see that anywhere or perhaps the tournament was non-Pokemon League Tournament. It was not specified hence why I asked. Then through the Story your two Pokemon Queen and King (I actually lol’d at the nicknames) seemed to work together quite well together. This was good because it showed the bond the 2 Pokemon had with each other as well. I would have liked to see how you met these two Pokemon and how you had the bond with these two. It would be interesting to show the background.

I liked the idea of a Tournament as well, it would lovely to see the outcomes each chapter as well. So good idea here too. I liked how Max was matched up with Scott as well that was cool because they seemed like good friends after the battle.

Grammar: Your Grammar was pretty good most places to be honest. I could see some improvements though.

Capitalise Pokeball. It’s a noun for a reason!

Anyways, in some paragraphs you would use the same world at the start of sentences or use a lot of the names. For example:

Charmander was still spinning in circles, the flames shooting everywhere. King was lying on the ground, having the flames go above her. I knew if I wanted to win this I would have to end it soon. “King, use poison sting!” I yelled. King lowered her head and shot a beam towards Charmander. It hit Charmander in the leg, and Charmander began to glow purple. I knew the attack poisoned Charmander.

The usage of Charmander was a bit repetitive for me. Your could use other words for Charmander in a couple of places such as fiery lizard, Lizard creature or anything better you could think of. It adds more creativity ^_^

In other places you needed to proof read your story again. Always read over it, yes I sometimes don’t. PLEASE DON’T SHOOT ME. But, reading over is good to catch the odd mistake in words such as:

Both Pokemon wan forward, ready to attack.

I think you mean ran!

Characters: Barely scraped the minimum. Not a problem really, but hey some Graders really care about this. Especially when it’s a Medium + Pokemon. So do not worry.

Dialogue: Not too bad here, I could not really see many improvements to be fair. So good job.

Detail: Right here is what I needed to get to. In a lot of places you had good descriptions and detail. For example, within the battle arena you explained attacks quite well. Good job here. HOWEVER, in a lot of places you could have added more! When approaching the Indigo Plateau what was the weather like? The Atmosphere? Some key aspects need those to get the full picture for the reader! Make sure in some places you place the atmosphere though. It needs that sometimes when describing a place. Anyways, some of description could have been added in a lot of places to help get the full picture as well. For example:

I muttered when a hand touched my shoulder. Spinning around, I saw a boy not much older than me, with long black hair. “You must be Max, I’m Scott,”

Scott was a stick man with black hair? I don’t recall seeing much description from him when the battle took place as well. For all I could know he could be naked! So add some clothes ^_^

Also, when in the Stadium you did not really explain the surroundings of it. Was there a crowd? What did the referee look like? The stadium floor? And so forth, I love description! :P

Battle & Capture Attempt: Well the battle was pretty good, and it required Teamwork, which are always a plus and a difference. I liked it and it was a good battle. However, more attacks could have been placed but you covered it elsewhere. With the difference of the story capture attempt, it was hard to decipher because you already had the Pokemon within the story. I loved the connection in the Battle between Queen and King, but back issues made me also wonder if they always got along or messed up routines. It’s kind of ambiguous for me.

Overall: Your story was different to a usual Story of this calibre. However, I think some details or description missed out on something and some back story. I enjoyed the read but these were some issues. So..

Nidoran M Captured, Nidoran F Not Captured!

Personally, I think you can do a whole lot better in this story. I suggest adding some description where needed, and add in some back story at the beginning if possible. I know it might be too much. However, length is not everything. I always end up going over the maximum character requirements. You can do it not much left for the second Nidoran!

GOOD LUCK!