[SWC] The Champion
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    the vibration pokemon Nitro's Avatar
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    Default [SWC] The Champion

    This is supposed to be an anime-style battle-story. People that don't respect Pokemon battling probably won't like it as much as those who do, but this is a different kind of story compared to most of the other stuff we have here so give it a try (and a vote).

    Also, some notes:
    -Drake and Steven used their in-game lines. This kills off some potential dialogue, but there was never any dialogue in the games anyways.
    -Darmanitan has both Sheer Force and Zen Mode as its ability. Just go with it.

    Going For: Skarmory
    Characters: 41132
    Characters Needed: 30,000

    "Good job, Salamence!"

    The blue dragon roared with pride, breathing out green flames. The pale blue battlefield was now charred with such flames from our battle. However, my opponent and the leader of this battlefield, the Elite Four member Drake, did not appear worried about the damage done to his facility. On the contrary, he wore a very happy smile on his face - his Salamence had taken out my second-to-last Pokemon. Though he looked old and in his fifties, it was blatantly obvious that I shouldn't underestimate Drake. Of course, his attire alone was enough to tell me he was a tough man. Drake wore the clothes of a ship captain. Though the long, black jacket was tattered, showing wear and tear as did the rest of his outfit, they still garnered respect and spoke volumes about Drake's toughness.

    Drake had actually forced me into a tough situation here. I had already defeated the three Elite Four members prior to him - Sidney, the master of Dark-type Pokemon, Phoebe, the talented user of Ghost-types and Glacia, the intelligent Ice-type trainer - and was now trying to finish off the Dragon-type specialist Drake. Early on in the battle, he had swept through a couple of my Pokemon with his leading Shelgon. However, I sent in Weavile, and proceeded to even the odds out. My beloved Pokemon was able to take out all of Drake's Pokemon except for his last one, the Salamence facing me now. Salamence's Intimidate trait had helped him survive my Weavile's deadly Ice Shard, though the move should've destroyed Salamence based on the fundamental type chart alone.

    Well, now I was forced to use my last Pokemon. Though he had a type disadvantage against Drake's Salamence, he had been my starter Pokemon and I knew how to do battle with him.

    "Let's go, Blaziken!" I called, tossing the Pokeball of my starter into the battlefield.

    The Fire-type appeared in a burst of white light. A red but human-like Pokemon, Blaziken had a small upper body which contrasted his long red-and-yellow legs. His hands were much like the claws of a bird, though the fingers showed much more dexterity than normal bird claws. His face was similar to that of a chicken's, and his mouth curved into a small beak. Long, beige hairlike feathers grew from his head and enveloped much of his shoulders and upper body.

    "Blaziken!" he roared in a deep voice.

    "Hmm... A Blaziken. Salamence, take care of him with Fly!" Drake commanded in his scratchy voice.

    Salamence roared, and flapped his large red wings as he took to the air. He glided high up, nearly skimming the ceiling with the back of his head, before suddenly falling into a deep dive.

    Though Fly was a super-effective move on Blaziken, I was not concerned. My Blaziken was different from many other Blazikens due to a rare trait he carried: the Speed Boost ability. With each second, the muscles within Blaziken were working hard to improve efficiency in terms of his speed. For each moment that passed, my Blaziken was getting a little quicker.

    "Blaziken, use Protect!" I called. The Protect move was one I liked to use early on with Blaziken, as it bought time for Blaziken to develop a speed advantage over the other Pokemon.

    A green energy shield burst from my Blaziken, forming a protective dome around him. Salamence collided into the energy dome, and roared in frustration as he realized he could not hit his target.

    During my years alongside Blaziken, I had learned to recognize how much extra speed the Speed Boost trait had given him by studying his posture. When I saw his shoulders loosen by just a fraction, I knew he had developed the speed advantage he needed.

    "Blaziken, let's use Stone Edge!" I ordered.

    Blaziken punched his fist into the ground, and picked up a sharp stone from the rubble he had created. The Protect faded, and Blaziken charged Salamence with the stone in hand. He slammed the stone into Salamence's neck, and the Dragon Pokemon crumpled to the floor in pain.

    "I see... Your Blaziken has the Speed Boost ability?" Drake guessed. I nodded, a smile on my face. He had guessed the truth successfully, but I figured it was too late. Salamence was downed, and all but knocked out now.

    "Blaziken, finish him off with a Blaze Kick!" I instructed.

    "Not so fast..." Drake said. "I'm not done for yet! Salamence, use Outrage!"

    My Blaziken ran at Salamence, but though he was fast, sound still had him beat by a longshot and Salamence had heard his trainer's commands. Roaring in blatant anger that suddenly and inexplicably appeared, Salamence reared his head and started to thrash about. I called for Blaziken to stop, but it was too late. Blaziken leaped towards the raging Salamence in kung fu fashion, his leg blazing with fire and ready to kick Salamence's face. I saw one of Salamence's claws hit him in the side of the skull, knocking him down.

    Blaziken was knocked out - it was obvious. I could only clutch my head and grimace - it was over. I had earned victories over the previous three Elite Four members, but I would be sent to the beginning with this loss and I would have to challenge them all again.

    Then, I noticed Salamence was also downed and out. There was a scorch mark on his flank, and I realized Blaziken's Blaze Kick had made contact after all.

    "Superb, it should be said."

    I heard Drake's voice, and Salamence suddenly disappeared in a flash of red light. Drake pocketed his Pokemon's Pokeball, and smiled at me. As I returned Blaziken to his Pokeball, Drake continued speaking.

    "You deserve every credit for coming this far as a Trainer of Pokémon. You do seem to know what is needed. Yes, what a Trainer needs is a virtuous heart. Pokémon touch the good hearts of Trainers and learn good from wrong. They touch the good hearts of Trainers and grow strong. Go! Go onwards! The Champion is waiting!"

    I remembered that in the rules announced to me when I had begun this challenge, a draw was enough to allow me to continue onwards. Suddenly, happiness filled me. I would be going on to face the Champion of Hoenn!

    I thanked Drake for the battle, and he ushered me into a gleaming chrome hallway leading away from his battlefield. Now, I was in a brightly lit corridor. I knew it well from the other such corridors I had gone through after defeating the other Elite Four members previously. After I turned the corner, then there would be a washroom and a PC for me to heal my Pokemon and change up my team for the next battle.

    As I walked into the small lavatory, I noticed my reflection in the mirror. There was a lot of grime on my face and my clothes from the four intense battles I had just won. Figuring it would be appropriate to clean myself up a bit, I washed my face. There was nothing that could be done about my clothes, unfortunately - not at the moment at least. When I was done, I could once again see my face cleanly without any grime or dirt. I put some more gel on my hair to spike it up the way it had been. I stared at myself once again. My hazel eyes eventually met those of my mirrored self. According to just about everyone, there was a kindness in my eyes, though I battled Pokemon with an intense passion. This was evident in the numerous scars and scratches that marred my body. Very few other nineteen year olds were as banged up as many, though then again very few had gone through what I had.

    Man, had I been through a lot. Looking at my face, I realized how much I had changed over the course of my Pokemon journey. Perhaps I had only aged a few years, but the change was deeper than my body growing. My journey had changed me on the inside, and the look on my face reflected that. It had been a long journey.

    I grew up in the small and peaceful Littleroot Town. At the age of fifteen, my parents allowed me to begin my Pokemon journey. The famous Professor Birch, who also happened to conduct his research in Littleroot Town, had given me my first Pokemon: Torchic. From there on, I had travelled Hoenn, making Pokemon friends and defeating Gym Leaders to accumulate the eight Gym Badges. After that, I had decided to go abroad, visiting other regions. They were different - different in culture, geography, and species of Pokemon. In those regions, I captured more Pokemon - Pokemon one could never find in Hoenn - and refined my battle technique against the Gym Leaders of Kanto, Johto, Sinnoh, and Unova. Now, however, I was back - and ready to become the Pokemon Champion.

    When I was done with the toilet and the healing machine, I moved on to the PC. Unlike the battles with the Elite Four members, which had been five-on-five battles, the final battle with the Champion would be a full six-on-six contest. I decided against switching out any of my current team members, but I still had to withdraw one more Pokemon to my team. Now, the choice was easy. I had an ace up my sleeve, and though I didn't use him in battles often, he was a nightmare for opponents to deal with and I knew he'd be very helpful against the Champion.

    When I was ready, I continued walking through the corridor. It led me to a set of doors, which I knew would lead me to the battlefield where I would have my battle with the Champion. Taking a deep breath, I pushed through the doors.

    The first thing that caught my eye, obviously, was the Champion himself. In the Pokemon League, there were two Champions, Steven and Wallace. Before now, I had not known which one I would face - they took turns battling challengers so that it would be impossible to create a pre-battle game plan as you would not know which Champion you would face. Now, however, I knew that my opponent was the Steel-type expert, Steven. He had a slender frame, and dressed in a black jacket and matching black pants. He had messy grey hair, and those matched the two metal bands on his arms.

    The room itself was a beautiful design. It was a magnificent shade of gold, and there were beautifully painted portraits of every Champion, past and present. I noticed Steven and Wallace amongst them. In the middle of the room was the standard Pokemon battling battlefield - an even stone surface with neatly painted lines forming a large rectangle which marked the boundaries of the battlefield.

    "Welcome. I was looking forward to seeing you here one day," Steven said. His voice was smooth and even, and there was a calm confidence in it.

    "You... What did you see on your journey with Pokémon? What did you feel, meeting so many other Trainers like you? What has awoken in you? I want you to hit me with it all! Now, bring it!"

    Steven grabbed his first Pokeball, and I followed suit. We both tossed them at the same time, and two Pokemon appeared in a flash of white light.

    "Xatu!" My Xatu appeared. She was a Psychic and Flying-type Pokemon. She was a green condor-like Pokemon, and stood majestically with her white wings folded close to her chest. There were markings and accentuations on her body that were black, yellow, and red, including two on her chest that resembled a pair of red eyes.

    "Skarmory!" Steven's Skarmory appeared as well. I knew that he was a Steel and Flying-type Pokemon. He resembled a bird like Xatu, but looked very different nonetheless. He had a mostly silver body with sharpened edges throughout, be it on his wings, on his thin, blade-like head, or even his red feathers. As a matter of fact, his wings and feathers were all as sharp as swords, and I knew they would be deadly to deal with.

    My Xatu versus his Skarmory. Both Flying-types. Still, I doubted that this would be an aerial battle. A smart battler such as Steven would typically lead with a Pokemon such as Skarmory with the intent to lay down Spikes on my side of the battlefield, limiting my movement and damaging any Pokemon I send. However, if he was as intelligent as I expected he would be as the Champion, he would predict that my Xatu has the Magic Bounce ability, which would reflect all moves that don't deal direct damage back towards the user. Since he was unable to lay down the entry hazards he had wanted to, he would need to find a different way to kick off the battle.

    Despite that fact, I didn't have the upper hand either. Xatu was at a type disadvantage against the Steel-type Skarmory, so we were at a standoff. I eyed Steven, and he returned my gaze. We were both obviously trying to predict each other's next move to make a better move of our own.

    "Aah... You're a smart one," Steven noted, laughing a bit. We both returned our Pokemon to their Pokeballs, though neither of us had expected the other to have done so.

    "Interesting..." Steven murmured, tossing another Pokeball. I did the same, and my Weavile exploded into view, as did Steven's Cradily.

    Weavile viciously eyeballed Cradily. He was a tough battler, one who refused to give up and always aimed for victory. The black Pokemon moved with a slow walk that resembled that of a cat's, and the Pokemon did indeed look a little like a feline, albeit one that walked upright. He had a matching red crown and collar of sorts, and had ear and tail feathers of the same colour. There was a yellow jewel encrusted in his forehead, and he had sharp white claws which I knew were quick and deadly.

    Despite Weavile's intimidating appearance, Cradily was obviously not fazed. I didn't know much about her, but I knew she was a defensive Pokemon that was hard to damage. She was a pale green Pokemon, and resembled a plant growing from an odd oval-like base. There were eight pink tentacles growing around her neck, and her head had yellow markings that resembled eyes. However, her real eyes were located beneath the markings on a black section of her face. Like the eye-markings, they were yellow. She smelled very unusual, like water from a swimming pool.

    "Alright Cradily, let's start things off with a Rock Polish!" Steven called.

    Upon hearing the command, Cradily started secreting a clear, oily liquid from her tentacles. It coated her body, giving it a shiny sheen. It seemed to be similar to oil, and my guess was that it was similar to oil produced by human skin. I suspected that Cradily would have an easier time moving around with an oiled body, which was probably a smart move by Steven as Cradily seemed to be a very sluggish Pokemon.

    Hm. This made things a little more interesting. I didn't know what Steven was planning with a faster Cradily, but I knew she wasn't an offensive threat. Since I didn't know what he was planning, I ordered Weavile to use Hone Claws - a move that would make his claws sharper and more accurate. I figured it would put me on par with Cradily's defense.

    As Weavile honed his claws, Steven issued a command for Cradily. "Cradily, use Confuse Ray!"

    Cradily's eyes suddenly started to glow brightly and I had to close my eyes - the attack disoriented me. I opened them again and Weavile was lying supine on the ground - he had taken the full brunt of the attack as its target.

    "Weavile, you alright?" I called to my Pokemon.

    "Finish him quickly, Cradily. Use Rock Slide!" Steven ordered. Cradily stabbed some of her tentacles into the ground, and lifted chunks of the battlefield away from the ground before heaving them at Weavile's body. They crushed him, and I knew he was done for. He was strong, but frail as well. Taking a super-effective hit from Steven's strong Cradily was enough to finish him off. I had to think my next move through - I had underestimated Steven.

    "Darmanitan, let's go!" I called, tossing Darmanitan into the battlefield. He had the Sheer Force trait, which essentially made him hit harder with certain moves. I figured he would be a good Pokemon for Cradily to deal with.

    The red ape burst on to the battlefield with a freakish grin on his face. He screamed maniacally in pride, beating his chest with his two large fists. His flaming eyebrows caught my opponent's eyes. It seemed he had not seen this Pokemon before, which was understandable as Darmanitan resided in the faraway region of Unova. I had to travel there to find mine, as a matter of fact.

    "Hmm... I'm guessing it's a Fire-type." I heard Steven whisper to himself. Hearing that made me smile. Though he had guessed the truth, he had also revealed that he didn't know much about my Pokemon. This meant I had options. I awaited Steven's move.

    "Alright, Cradily, let's use Rock Slide again!" Steven called, obviously not wanting to take any risks. Cradily once again lobbed debris at my Pokemon, though this time I was ready for it.

    "Darmanitan, let's use Fire Punch to smash those rocks!" I ordered.

    Darmanitan swung his large fists at the stones, and I watched as more and more flames swirled around those large fists as they smashed through more and more rocks. Steven noticed this, and commanded Cradily to stop. However, by this time Darmanitan had worked up a legitimate fire on his fists.

    "Now, use Overheat!" I commanded. Darmanitan launched the fire on his fists at Cradily in a stream of flames.

    "Cradily, dodge it!" Steven yelled. Now, I saw why Steven had wanted Cradily to use Rock Polish. Without it, Cradily would be limited in terms of evading moves. However, after Rock Polish, Cradily could simply slide across the floor to avoid attacks. Though Cradily was able to take hits as a beast defensively, adding evasiveness to incredible defenses made it much stronger for me to take down Cradily. He could simply take his time and take out my Pokemon!

    I fingered a Pokeball on my waist, wondering if I should call in my ace in the hole. However, it was too early. No, I had an alternative route to go.

    "Darmanitan, use Swagger!" I commanded.

    Darmanitan eyed Cradily, and I knew from the glare he gave Cradily that there was a message being sent. Cradily took the bait, and angrily charged Darmanitan despite receiving no command from Steven.

    "Now, use Superpower and take him out!" I yelled. In my mind, this was a genius idea. With increased mobility, Cradily would be rushing pretty fast towards my Darmanitan. Using Superpower, Darmanitan would smash his fist into Cradily and send her the other way. With all the momentum behind Cradily and the fact that Superpower was also a super-effective attack on Cradily, I figured it would be enough to knock her out.

    The scenario ended up playing out the way I had imagined it in my mind, and Steven was soon left with a fainted Cradily at his feet.

    "That was an intelligent combination of moves." Steven couldn't help but flash a smile, and tossed out another Pokeball. This time, a Claydol appeared.

    The Ground/Psychic-type Pokemon had a large black body with stubby legs and cannon-like arms that seemed to hover a little away from the body. However, the most distinguishing feature about the Pokemon was his head. It was a wide, oval-shaped head, and there were eight pink eyes encircling it.

    "Claydol, use Earth Power!" Steven called. Claydol's eyes started to glow blue, and suddenly the ground Darmanitan had been stepping on seemingly imploded. Darmanitan was thrown a few feet into the air, and landed back into the ground. The impact was enough to force the portrait of Wallace to fall off the wall. Steven paid it no heed, and I decided against worrying over the magnificent painting given the current situation.

    Meanwhile, Darmanitan had collapsed underneath a pile of rubble. I feared he had fainted, but the debris on top of him suddenly began to float away. I smiled, knowing that this meant my Darmanitan had changed form.

    This was confirmed when a stone figure rose out of the rubble. The stone figure resembled a Darmanitan, but the limbs were compacted in a way that was impossible for Darmanitan's oversized limbs. The fiery eyebrows were no longer flaming, and the eyes were glowing yellow.

    "What the...?" Steven wondered aloud, clearly taken aback.

    I smiled. "Darmanitan has gone into Zen Mode. This happens when he takes a lot of damage, and he is now completely immobile. Still, that doesn't mean he's completely incapable of doing damage... Use Will-o-Wisp!"

    The stone figure - obviously my Darmanitan in Zen Mode - started glowing blue. Suddenly, ghostly blue flames appeared in a ring in front of Darmanitan, and launched themselves towards Claydol. Claydol was ensnared within the ring of flames, and they started to close in on Claydol. Claydol was burned, and the ghostly flames ran rampent on Claydol's body.

    "Hmm... I remember Zen Mode now. I heard about it a while back from someone..." Steven murmured, trying to remember something. Then, he snapped his fingers and exclaimed. "That's right! Zen Mode increases your defensive abilities, but at the cost of your offensive ones! Then that means it'll be better to inflict a status upon you... Claydol, use Toxic!"

    Claydol created a purple ball of energy with his cannon-like arms, and lobbed it as if it were a grenade. It splashed on to Darmanitan, hissing as it made contact. Though Darmanitan could not react in pain since he was immobile in Zen Mode, I knew he was taking damage quickly. The poison caused by Toxic was not normal poison, but a special type of poison that got worse as time passed.

    "Keep pushing, Claydol!" Steven urged his burned Pokemon. "Use Extrasensory and increase Darmanitan's sensitivity to the Toxic!"

    Claydol's eyes started glowing blue again, and so did Darmanitan. I paled. Steven had ordered Claydol to make Darmanitan even more sensitive to the building damage from the Toxic.

    "Darmanitan, use..." I trailed off as Darmanitan suddenly fell to the ground. His eyes had stopped glowing, and were now just empty eye sockets. He had fainted. I grimaced, and returned Darmanitan to his Pokeball. Thinking things over a bit, I decided to toss out the Pokeball of my Aggron.

    "Aggron!" the Steel and Rock-type Pokemon bellowed as he came into view. He was remotely human-like in form, but stood almost seven feet tall and was much bulkier than a human could ever be. Mostly black, Aggron had steel knee and arm bracelets, as well as a steel head that loosely resembled that of a dinosaur's. A thick, long tail rested behind Aggron.

    "An Aggron..." Steven laughed softly. "Interesting choice. Claydol, use Earth Power!"

    Claydol's eyes started to glow blue once again. As I glanced at him, I noticed the burn Darmanitan had given him had already done plenty of damage. I only needed to hold out for a moment...

    "Aggron, use Protect!" I called. A green energy bubble formed around Aggron, and a blue energy suddenly blasted against the protective shield. That must've been the psychic energy Claydol had been using to perform the Earth Power maneuver.

    "Alright, he looks weakened enough by the flames! Aggron, finish him off with a Take Down!" I commanded.

    Aggron charged out of the protective bubble, and rammed his shoulder into the burning Claydol. The Pokemon was knocked out by the collision, and rolled back to Steven, who returned him to his Pokeball.

    "Not bad. Still, two can play this game!" Steven cried, tossing out a Pokeball to replace Claydol. An Aggron identical to mine materialized out of the Pokeball, and stared mine in his eyes.

    I had options here. I had a move that would definitely knock out his Aggron, but I didn't want to use it yet - it made my Aggron much weaker after using it. Instead, I ordered a Mud-Slap from my Aggron. My Aggron dug his hand into the ground, and heaved rubble at Steven's Aggron, aiming for the eyes.

    "Aggron, use Incinerate," Steven called calmly. His Aggron roared, and the rubble my Aggron had tossed at him was suddenly consumed by flames that appeared out of nowhere. I smelled the smoke from the attack, but I wasn't worried of it being used on my Aggron. Though Aggron was a Steel-type, he also had Rock typing which negated his weakness to Fire-type moves.

    "Alright then, let's try... Dragon Rush!" I ordered. Upon hearing the command, a blue and yellow aura started to glow around my Aggron. He proceeded to charge the opponent's Aggron, but this didn't faze Steven either.

    "Aggron, use Focus Blast!" Steven commanded. Steven's Aggron roared once again, and this time a blast of mahogany-coloured energy was fired from Aggron's mouth. It expanded quickly, and was the size of my Aggron before colliding with him as he was charging towards Steven's Aggron.

    "Aggron, you alright?" I called worriedly. Focus Blast was a Fighting-type move, and those were ultra effective on my Aggron. My Aggron coughed a bit, and slowly got up. The Focus Blast had pushed him closer to me, and the two Aggron once again stood on opposite ends of the battlefield.

    "Well, there's no other option now. Aggron, use Superpower!" I instructed. My Aggron roared, and charged Steven's Aggron once again.

    To my surprise, Steven allowed his Pokemon to be hit the move. I was expecting some resistance, but Steven just watched as my Aggron took his Aggron down with the move.

    "Alright, Aggron. Use Metal Burst!" Steven yelled. I paled, remembering this move's effects all of a sudden. It would reflect all damage taken from the last hit on the user back on to the user. There was no way my Aggron could take that.

    White energy suddenly exploded from Steven's Aggron, and my Aggron was knocked far, far away. He flew over my head and collided against the doors I had entered through.

    "Oh man..." I breathed. That Metal Burst had done a lot of damage to my Aggron... My Aggron weighed about 800 pounds, so that meant the Metal Burst had been strong enough to throw eight hundred pounds about ninety feet. My Aggron was demolished; I returned him to his Pokeball.

    I had three Pokemon left, while Steven had four including Aggron. However, Aggron must've been barely conscious at this point... I didn't want to reveal my ace in the hole just yet, and putting in Xatu against Aggron was too dumb. That meant it was time for my most trusted Pokemon.

    "Blaziken, let's go!" I called, tossing Blaziken's Pokeball into the battle. He had managed to get me past Drake earlier, and I knew he was raring to go against the Champion now. We had been together since my journey began, and now here was the climax of our adventure.

    "Blaziken!" he bellowed, flames appearing around his wrists. I knew that happened whenever he was raring to go - that was good for me.

    "He has Speed Boost, doesn't he?" Steven said. "Yeah, he does... I can tell by the way he stands."

    I inhaled. He knew about my Blaziken's Speed Boost, which was something that I usually preferred to surprise my opponents with. However, the fact that he knew about the ability did not mean it stopped running - it just took away the element of surprise. No matter.

    "Alright, Aggron, we can't give him too much time, or else he'll be too fast. Use Take Down!" Steven called. His Aggron ran towards my Blaziken, ready to tackle him football-style.

    "Blaziken, use Protect!" I ordered. By now, I was used to the green shield that appeared around Blaziken - it had done so much for me over the years. Aggron slowed to a halt in front of it, knowing he couldn't get past.

    "Quickly, Aggron use Stealth Rock! Limit his movement and plant rocks around the perimeter of the Protect!" Steven called.

    Aggron bellowed, and stone pillars suddenly formed around the base of the dome formed by Blaziken's Protect. This, however, was not a problem.

    "Blaziken, take down the Protect and use Low Sweep to destroy the Stealth Rocks!" I commanded. Immediately, the protective bubble faded away, and Blaziken performed a quick legsweep around the base of each rock pillar, knocking them over.

    "Not bad... Still, you're open for Aggron to hit you now! Aggron, use Take Down!" Steven yelled.

    Aggron charged Blaziken again.

    "Sky Uppercut!" I hollered, hoping Blaziken would complete the maneuver before Aggron got to him.

    The timing was perfect. Just as Aggron was about to make contact with Blaziken, Blaziken threw a quick uppercut and sent the 800-pound Aggron into the sky. Steven returned the knocked out Pokemon to his Pokeball as he was falling back down, most likely to prevent the cataclysmic damage that would befall his facility if Aggron were to fall back down on to the ground.

    "Not bad..." Steven smiled, throwing another Pokeball. An Armaldo formed, screeching in a loud, high-pitched tone. The blue Rock/Bug Pokemon was similar to both a praying mantis and a crab in different ways. He had curved blade-like claws, as well as a hard shell on his back. There were eight white-and-red feathers growing from his neck, four on each side. His eyes grew out of the side of his head, and were triangular in shape. He had a thick tail with two spikes on the end of it.

    "Armaldo, use Slash!"

    Armaldo screeched, and ran towards Blaziken, ready to strike with his curved claws. I looked at them, and decided Blaziken wanted to avoid them - at all costs.

    "Blaziken, stay away from his claws! Use Fire Blast!" I ordered.

    Blaziken took a deep breath while slowly backing away from Armaldo. Then, he exhaled a large fireball, which flew towards Armaldo.

    "Armaldo, use Water Pulse to dispel the fire, and then keep pressing!" Steven called.

    Armaldo breathed a ball of water at Blaziken's Fire Blast and they crashed together, resulting in a lot of steam. I couldn't see anything, but I could hear Armaldo's heavy footsteps. They were getting closer.

    "Blaziken, listen for Armaldo! Use your ears to detect his presence, and hit him with a Focus Blast!" I commanded.

    I heard Blaziken grunt in acknowledgement, and then silence resumed. All I could hear was Armaldo's heavy footsteps.

    Thud. Thud. Thud.


    I heard the cry of pain, and realized Blaziken had hit him with the Focus Blast as I had called.

    "Bah, I can't see anything in this steam." I heard Steven growl, and noticed the frustration in his voice. I was starting to take the upper hand, I realized. "Armaldo, use Rapid Spin!"

    Nothing happened.

    "Blaziken, use FeatherDance!"

    The steam dissipated as the feathers on Blaziken's head were thrown around, blowing away the steam. There stood Blaziken, looking down on Armaldo who was kneeling in front of him. The Pokemon was obviously weakened, but still conscious.

    "Finish him, Blaziken! Use Sky Uppercut!" I called, my heart thudding as I realized I could steal away all the momentum here.

    Blaziken gave an uppercut to Armaldo, and like Aggron, he was thrown into the sky only to be returned to his Pokeball unconscious by Steven.

    "Well, then. I'm in a sticky situation here. Your Blaziken is a problem, so meet my strongest Pokemon: Metagross!"

    At Steven's words, a Metagross exploded from a Pokeball Steven had thrown. The Steel and Psychic-type Pokemon rested on four rugged, metal legs. He was built like a tank, albeit a living and turquoise one without all the guns. The four legs all connected a dome-like body. There was a large, silver 'X' on the front of the body, and two small red eyes stared at my Blaziken on either side of it.

    "Metagross, use Psychic!" Steven ordered. A blue energy surrounded Metagross, and Blaziken was soon covered in the same aura as well.

    "Oh man..." It was too late for me to counter this move now - Blaziken was already trapped within the aura. I could only watch as my beloved Pokemon screamed in pain before the aura faded away.

    "You okay, Blaziken?" I asked my Blaziken. He nodded, but he was clearly weak. He stood on one knee, and was taking a few breaths. Steven and Metagross watched from their side of the battlefield, and I thought about my next move.

    "Blaziken, use Baton Pass!" I called. I figured what Speed Boost had done for Blaziken would be a huge benefit to the recipient of Blaziken's Baton Pass, and knew that this was time for my ace in the hole.

    "Metagross, use Pursuit!" I heard Steven call as Blaziken was turned into red light by his Pokeball. Suddenly, black energy mixed with Blaziken's red silhouette before both were absorbed into the Pokeball.

    "It's knocked out now." Steven chuckled. "Really, though, it was a great try. If you had been able to transfer the upgrade in speed provided by Speed Boost to another Pokemon, one at full health, that could very well have been the match. However, forgive me if I couldn't allow that to happen."

    I mulled it over in my mind. My ace in the hole probably didn't need the extra speed a whole lot, and while the speed would've made it much easier for me to win, I still had the upper hand with my prized Pokemon.

    "Go, Rayquaza!" I called, tossing a Master Ball. The purple Pokeball flew out of my hand, and a large green dragon uncoiled out of the Pokeball. The legendary serpent-like Pokemon bellowed in a proud voice, and eyed Steven and Metagross with his beady yellow eyes. There were yellow and red accentuations on his body, and four horns grew around his neck, stretching in each direction.

    "Rayquaza!" he screeched.

    Steven was speechless. His face was contorted with shock and awe, and Metagross beside him also radiated the same emotions with a bit more dread mixed in - he had to fight the beast.

    "I found this guy atop Sky Pillar." I laughed a bit, patting Rayquaza's flank. "I think he'll do just fine even without the speed boosts from Blaziken, do you?"

    Steven seemed to regain his voice, for he hoarsely ordered a Meteor Mash from his Metagross. The Pokemon lifted one of his steel legs, and nervously prepared to jab it at Rayquaza.

    "Use Dragon Pulse, Rayquaza," I said with an air of confidence. It seemed I had won - nothing Metagross could do could defeat a Pokemon such as Rayquaza.

    Rayquaza breathed a pulsing blue fireball at Metagross, and the Pokemon was thrown away by the powerful attack.

    "Oh man... You alright, Metagross?" Steven asked his faithful companion, rushing to his side. Staring at my Rayquaza with worry, he decided what to do. He whispered something to Metagross, and Metagross nodded. There was something solemn in his eyes, but the newfound confidence with which Steven stepped away from his Pokemon was enough to unnerve me.

    "Rayquaza, finish him off! Use Draco Meteor!" I commanded.

    Rayquaza's body suddenly started glowing, and a large blue energy was exuded from his body. It flew into the air, and gathered in a large sphere above Rayquaza's head. Suddenly, it launched itself at Metagross.

    "Metagross, now!" Steven called.

    Metagross exploded. The result of the Explosion was enough to send the Draco Meteor right back at Rayquaza, and Rayquaza was ultimately fainted by his own move.

    I clutched my head in panic and despair. What just happened? My prized legendary Pokemon had fainted... Was I done for? My heart pounding in worry, I recalled Rayquaza and tossed in the Pokeball of my last Pokemon: the Xatu I had led with.

    "Funny how in the end, it ends up the same way we started," Steven smiled, obviously in a much more celebratory mood than I was though we had both lost our strongest Pokemon and were down to our last. As he said, however, our last was indeed our first Pokemon, something that made me feel a little superstitious.

    My Xatu and Steven's Skarmory returned to the battlefield, ready to settle things. I could only hope to win - I did not want to start my Elite Four run over from the beginning. After everything I had been through, it would all feel like unnecessarily wasted time. Right now, I was so close to pulling off the win. I just needed to take care of Steven's Skarmory.

    The battlefield had changed drastically from when the battle had started. It was destroyed in places where Pokemon had created debris as a result of various moves, and also from the impact my Darmanitan had made when he had fallen to the ground after being knocked into the air by Claydol's Earth Power. Even outside of the battlefield, our battle had caused some damage. The portrait of Wallace had fallen off of the wall, and behind me, the doors I had entered through were now crushed from when my Aggron had been thrown into it.

    It had been an impressive battle. Now, however, it was time for it to end.

    "Skarmory, use Steel Wing!" Steven ordered. His Skarmory jumped into the air, and quickly dove into a steep dive with his wings ready to smash into Xatu.

    "Xatu, use Confuse Ray!" I cried. My Xatu's eyes suddenly flashed brightly for a brief moment - though I could not see the flash directly since I was behind my Pokemon, I definitely noticed the flash as it reflected off of Skarmory's steel body. Skarmory himself, however, had taken the full brunt of the attack. Instead of finishing the Steel Wing attack, Skarmory blinked his eyes in pain and lost control of his body, spiraling into the ground as he shook his head in pain.

    "Keep pressing!" I called to Xatu. "Use Synchronoise!"

    My Xatu stepped closer to the downed Skarmory, and started to scream in an unusually high pitch. My ears started to hurt from the noise, and I covered them with my hands. On the other side of the battlefield, I saw Steven doing the same.

    Meanwhile, Skarmory had started screaming in pain alongside Xatu. Though Synchronoise was a Psychic type attack which Skarmory, being a Steel type, resisted, Synchronoise was an attack that did more damage to Pokemon of the same type as the user. Skarmory, being a Flying type like Xatu, was more prone to the damaging effects of Synchronoise than many other Pokemon were.

    "Not a bad way to deal damage. Synchronoise is a very underrated attack," Steven commented. "Still, it's going to take much more than that to take out my Skarmory. Skarmory, counter the Synchronoise with Metal Sound!"

    Though he was in a world of pain, Skarmory definitely heard his trainer's command - I could tell by the sudden focus and determination that appeared in the Pokemon's eyes. He scraped his sharp metal wings together, and it caused a horrible, scratchy sound to fill my ears. I put my hands over them again, which helped, but the sound was still intense enough to pierce through my hands.

    Suddenly, the sound stopped. My ears were still ringing in pain, but the sound of Skarmory's wings scraping against one another had faded away. Realizing I had closed my eyes during the ordeal, I opened them to assess the situation.

    My Xatu was kneeling, clearly in pain. Skarmory towered over her with a vicious look in his eyes - he had an opportunity to end this battle right now.

    "Skarmory, use Sky Attack!" I heard Steven say. Skarmory leapt into the air, flying towards the ceiling. When he was as high as he could be in the large stadium, Skarmory stared down at Xatu with a savage look in his eyes, and cawed loudly before launching into a steep dive. He was on a collision course with my Xatu, and I felt a sinking feeling in my heart. Was it over for good this time?

    Miraculously, no.

    Skarmory was just about to collide with Xatu when, all of a sudden, my Xatu disappeared.

    "What the...?" Steven wondered, sounding more worried than ever before.

    I was equally surprised. What had just happened?


    I heard my Pokemon's voice from above, and I looked up. There was my Xatu, resting on one of the rafters. She must've used Teleport at the last second!

    "Great job, Xatu!" I cried, happiness and hope flooding me.

    "Xatu!" my Pokemon yelled, jumping off the rafters before spreading her wings and taking to the air.

    "Skarmory!" the Champion's Pokemon cawed angrily, joining Xatu in the air.

    "Skarmory, finish Xatu! Use Steel Wing!" Steven ordered. Skarmory flew at Xatu, his deadly wings spread and ready to slam into Xatu.

    "Quickly, Xatu - use Me First!" I commanded.

    Steven gasped. Xatu's wings had turned from flesh into steel, much like Skarmory's wings. Though this was certainly an unusual phenomenon, I knew it had been coming when I had ordered Xatu to use Me First. Me First was a move that allowed the user to use an attack being used on it at twice the strength. Since Skarmory was heading towards Xatu with a Steel Wing, Xatu would respond with a Steel Wing of her own. This meant her wings would have to turn into steel.

    Xatu flew towards Skarmory with her own steel wings outstretched. Both Pokemon sped towards one another, and they collided. Together, they dropped out of the sky, falling towards the ground below.

    "Xatu!" I cried.

    "Skarmory!" Steven yelled.

    Both Pokemon smashed into the earth, resulting in a huge cloud of sand being whipped up. I could clearly see two silhouettes lying on the ground, prone and most likely very battered. Were they both fainted? What would that mean? A draw allowed me to advance against the Elite Four, but against the Champion, would that remain true?

    Then, one of the Pokemon stood up, though I couldn't tell which one. At this, my heart started beating with both hope and panic. If it was Xatu, then I had won. If it was Skarmory, however, then I had lost and would have to restart my Elite Four run.

    The cloud of sand settled. There, standing on rubble and their opponent's body, was...
    Last edited by Nitro; 22nd August 2011 at 03:43 PM.

  2. #2

    Default Re: [SWC] The Champion



  3. #3

    Default Re: [SWC] The Champion

    Uh, sorry that this grade is so late. Some stuff cane up that really interfered with my ability to get online... for example, this is my first grade composed entirely on an iPod. Cause I don't have a safe computer right now. D: Speaking of which, sorry in advance for any typos... spellcheck is a jerk to me. If there's a part that makes absolutely no sense to you cause of typos (or anything else, for that matter), PM me or whatever and I'll try to help you out. ^.^

    Introduction: Well, an introduction is pretty darn important. Draws you into the story and whatnot. Let's take a look at your first sentence for now, and then we'll look at your overall introduction.

    "Good job, Salamence!"
    Hmm, I'm kinda torn on my advice here. On one hand, I'd like to know who's speaking-- that seems pretty vital. On the other, I really do like how you've left us in the dark: for all we know, that Mence could've just ripped apart a terrorist. Or something. So as it is, this mysterious dialogue bit seems to work out all right for you. Besides, you put us out of our suspense within two sentences. That seems okay.*However, your first sentence isn't really all that attention grabbing. Assuming that counter-terrorist Salamence are out of the question, we can safely deduct that this quote cones from a battle. Said battle will likely be interesting, but it'll also still be a battle. It's really not the mist riveting hook you could have used, but I'd say it works out alright.

    As we move on to the next paragraph, things fall in to place. It's the protagonist vs Drake, Salamence just demolished stuff, and this battle is coming to a close. While it's not really snatching my attention away from me, your introduction does serve a key, although obvious-sounding, purpose: it introduces me to the tone of the story. Since the character is battling Drake, (and the story is called "The Champion", for that matter) we can assume that there's going to be a massive battle for the Champion in a bit. This final end of the battle that you have does help segue quite nicely into the climatic battle itself without being too abrupt.

    So, as a whole, this introduction is pretty solid. I would really like a better hook or something to draw the reader (aka me) into your story faster, but you seem to have the other roles of an introduction (intruding character/setting and easing in the plot) down pretty well. It kinda all balances out in the end. Kinda. You could still use a better hook, though. XD

    Plot: If we were to boil down your story to a few sentences, it would become: "unnamed boy defeats Elite Four and then battles the Champion. The end". ._.

    Simply put, that's not a very engrossing plot. This is going to sound line a whole load of "POGEYMAN FANFIC IZ SRS BZNS", but it's kinda true. Your plot is vitally important, and we really have to examine your plot to make sure you have the basis of a good story centered in your plot. But, to put it horridly bluntly, we're kinda looking at... the lack thereof. The entire thing is just a big battle, 6v6 and a little 1v1, but what does it really lead up to? The Champion, as your title suggests? It's not as powerful of a moment as it could be, really. This battle is the culmination of your character's entire journey, pretty much. He has a team of Pokemon that he's trained across five regions; he could at least have some stories to tell about each member. For crying out loud, he's got these mysterious scars and a reflecting complex... If you're going to bring them up at all, tell us why they're there or at least mention them more than just once... Little details like these really intrigued me. I wanted to know where those scars and pain came from and what he thought about his battle with Rayquaza. Instead, you just mention little things line that -- all of these details could amount to such amazing backstories if you explained them -- and then just leave such potent stuff just sitting there, unused.

    Honestly, your story felt a bit bland and disappointing: it was a bug battle, yes, but why does the reader care? I've heard your position on URPG stories (at least, I think it was you... might've been someone else), but you really do need a plot that's more than just a battle to thrill the readers. It's a wonderfully written, creative, and interesting battle, but that's all it is in the end. You don't even have to alter the plot too much to make it more personal with your character; just small backstories, like why his eyes are do intense or how/why he's changed so much, would make this plot so much better and engrossing of a read.

    With the simplicity out of the way, we enter the second issue I have (good things come in pairs) with your plot. Three words: Deus. Ex. Machina.

    And now we switch from horridly nerdy jargon to English as I explain that term in everyday words. Huzzah.

    At its core, Deus Ex Machina refers to an outside and often previously unmentioned force that literally appears out of no where and solves what is usually considered to be an impossible problem. It's almost never a good thing to have in your writing, as it comes across as a cop-out way of solving problems, but sometimes it's hard to pick out.

    For instance, the protagonist has defeated Blake but needs to face the Champion. Unfortunately, all of his Pokemon have fainted. Boom. Oh, wait, there's a previously unmentioned part of the story that allows the character to heal up his Pokemon and face the Champion. He also has time to get another element that won't appear until later, when said main character is facing a really scary Metagross. Boom. Out pops Rayquaza. Oh, and then Skarmory hits a weak Xatu with a Sky Attack, presumably ending the battle in Steven's favor. Boom. Xatu can now teleport out of the way without being ordered to do so by her trainer, even though she couldn't ever do that before. =X

    You see how it gets a bit unbelievable after one or two? It just seems like you've spent all of this time writing your character into a corner that they can't get out of, which is awesome, but it'd be even better if you wrote them out of that corner just as fantastically, as well. While the bit with Rayquaza was funny in itself because Rayquaza failed to sweep as you had implied that it would, it still came across as really cheap, both of you (in a sense, but not really) and of your main character. People usually don't bring their Legends to important fights because it's not really a measure of skill to beat the crap out of someone using something with a base attack of 150, so it seems like a really jerk move for your character to bring a fricking Rayquaza to his champion battle, you know?

    As it is, Deus Ex Machina. You should really try to avoid doing impossibly cheap ways out if previously inevitable consequences-- sometimes, it comes across as lazy writing. You can still get out of an impossible problem and not pull as Deus Ex Machina, though. Try using a creative way to work around the situation that you've created using ideas and facts that you've already written previously. Like, if you wanted to make the Xatu-teleporting-on-her-lonesome bit less farfetched, you could have the main character tell her to teleport, leave it questionable to whether or not she reacted on time, and then have her appear in the rafters looking all epic. Or something. That way, it becomes less abrupt and unconvincing, and it makes more sense than just randomly teleporting. Does that make sense?

    Ugh, so your plot definitely looks line one of the places where you were hurting a lot. I don't mean to sound rude, but your plot really did feel flat, especially for a Complex level 'mon. Just having a giant battle (not to mention one filled with... Deus Ex Machina, lol) isn't really going to cut it at this level and beyond. Try expanding on your backstories some and following through with all of the potential plots that you created with those things like the scars. Have the main character actually be affected by what sounds like a semi-traumatic life, rather than just focusing on the battle. Make your main character relatable and real, and then try building the plot around him. Remember that the battle doesn't have to be the only thing going on, here-- you can literally do whatever you'd like, and you're only limited by your imagination.

    As it is, I'd really like to stress the fact that your plot feels like it needs a lite more depth. We need more than just a battle to keep us reading... Imagine playing the Pokemon Games where the only thing that happened was non-stop battling. No gyms, no rivals, no evolutions. Just a giant battle. There's a reason people hate the Battle Tower (and the hax doesn't count. XD). That said, your plot could really, really use sone work. ._.

    Description: I feel like, overall, you dud a pretty good job with your description. You were careful to give big details and little ones, and you helped paint a pretty good picture of what was going on.*However, I do have a few qualms. It's nothing as mind-blowing as my plot rage, but I'd like it if you kept it in mind. And stuff.

    Firstly, your story is in first person. As a general rule, first person narration is hard in sone aspects to pull off, if only for the fact that it's really difficult to describe what the narrator looks like, without done seemingly out of place scene where said main character stares into a mirror/lake/teaspoon and marvels at his or her beauty. I honestly don't mean to sound cynical when I say this, but that part seemed so out of place. There's not even a prerequisite for a bathroom break between E4 members, so it seemed strange that this part was even in the story. The description there really felt forced, but in the events that caused the details to appear, and the details themselves. Who actually looks in a mirror and ponders the emotional journey they've taken over the past four years? Although the description you've given in this bathroom scene is mire useful than if you had forgive details altogether, it felt forced to the point of uncomfortableness. While you are narrating in first person, making good description of your character hard, try making it a bit more subtle. You don't have to describe every aspect if the character to us at once-- try describing it in passing. Perhaps have him brush his sandy-brown hair out of his face, where it had been blown by the winds that Metagross's explosion had caused. Or maybe, while he's wiping some dust off of his face, his fingers catch on the old white scars there, and he pauses for a moment to reflect on how they got there. The point is that you really don't have to describe your main character in such a big lump, lest it messes with the flow of your piece.

    My second bit of advice ties in with my first, to a degree: a lot of times, your description feels so out of place. You tell us everything there is to know about an object and then you never describe it again. Description in this style is certainly better than no description at all, and I'd like to stress the fact that you've got a hood grasp of description. What I'd like you to do, though, is spread the fun around a bit. Instead of having an entire paragraph purely devoted to describing a single object, like Steven's wardrobe (and then subsequently never mentioning his appearance again), try using about seventy percent of the details you had there in the same spot, and then mentioning those and other small details across the story. Perhaps discuss how Steven's steely-grey eyes glint with renewed humor when he sees an Aggron like his own take the field. Again, it's the small things that help the most in those situations.

    As a whole, though, your description us solid. While it sometimes felt like you had too much in one area and not enough in another, your overall story easily had enough detail in it to allow me to let it go unscathed. Bahahaha.

    Grammar: At a first glance, your grammar is pretty good. WHICH IS AWESOME. However, I do intend to spend this section talking about something, and I figured you're far enough along in your writing that I can tackle some if the less obvious nuances. Yaaay.

    Though the long, black jacket was tattered and the rest of the outfit showing wear and tear as well...
    M'kay, so you're definitely fine on the first half of this. The second half, though ("the rest of the outfit showing wear and tear as well") isn't actually a sentence. Yes, you could change that bit to something like "with the rest of the outfit's showing wear and tear as well" (note the possessive before gerund, lol), but that brings us into an entirely different issue: parallelism. Basically, when you've got two phrases in the same sentence serving as the same part of a sentence (two subjects, objects, etc), they've also got to be the same part of speech. PARALLEL. In this case, you're actually comparing two sentence-like structures; however, it flows a lot better when you make both halves of the sentence in the same vein. So, when revisiting that first sentence, we'd have for part one:
    the long, black jacket was tattered
    (which would be a pretty standard subject-verb sentence)
    with the rest of the outfit showing wear and tear...
    ...as the second bit. Wed probably call that a fragment, but assuming you rewrote it in some way like I suggested above, you'd get a really long prepositional phrase with a gerund as its object. Basically, those two halves aren't really the sane or even similar parts of speech, and having them together just flows kinda awkwardly. Instead, try rewording it a bit, perhaps like this:
    Though the long, black jacket was tattered and the rest of the outfit showed wear and tear ad well...
    ...or something along those lines. Hopefully I explained that alright.
    This next one is more of a suggestion on your verb usage:
    I knew how to do battle with him [Blaziken].
    The phrase "to do battle with" is more often than not used when you're addressing/speaking about an opponent. In this example, the main character is currently doing battle with Drake, while he's also doing battle using Blaziken. It's the small things. XD
    I had only aged a few year
    my parents allowed me to being
    Er, jk. I'm definitely not going to point out every typo I see, but since these were practically the only ones in your story, I felt like we could give them some love. also because the second one makes me snicker. [/mature]*
    I do often notice, though, that you like repeating words often, almost to the point of redundancy. I'm not going to quote out entire paragraphs, but it does occasionally happen. For instance, in the same paragraph as that sentence above, you use "journey" three or four times. In a paragraph with three or four sentences. It's definitely not the worst thing you could do in your prose, lol, but it's a bit distracting. Often, too, you start your sentences with the word "though". Again, it's not awful, but it's a bit less repetitive to replace a few of those "thoughs" with "although" or something. Just keep in mind that varied sentences are going to be a lot more entertaining to read than the same though journey though journey, and it'll be a better flowing piece in the end.
    Before now, I had not known which one I would face - they take turns
    There's something tiny off here. Look at your verb now back at me. Now back at your verb, now back at-- again. "Take" is conjugated in the present tense, while the rest of your story is in past tense. This might not even be an error, lol, but the present tense here implies that it's, well, in the present. Since the rest of your story is in the past tense, the appearance of something in present tense implies that the but in present tense is nit only true in this (non-story) moment, but is always going to be true, no matter the time frame. So, in that mindset, they'd still be taking turns twenty years from now. I'm not sure if that's true, or if you intended for the past tense to serve as the main character's reminiscing on his past journeys and he's actually in your present tense, but little conjugation things like these are things you should look out for.
    He had messy grey hair, and those matched
    Lecture time on subject-verb agreement. Note that if we took out the extraneous words, the sentence would be "he had hair, and those matched"... which doesn't exactly make sense. "Those" doesn't seem to refer to any other part of the sentence, so we assume it goes with "hair". Hair, bring singular, doesn't agree with those, which is plural. Just change "those" to "which" or something and you'll be golden.
    800 pounds
    Eight hundred is actually a pretty nice number in writing. Not because of, like, magical properties, but because you can write it out pretty simply. As a rule of thumb, you can actually write out most numbers in letters instead if numbers-- it makes your writing appear a lot cleaner. So unless you want to express something like 147,478,447,626,904, you can usually write it out in letters. Use your better judgment on this one; as far as I know, there's no definite rule in regards to numerical expressions in creative (not formal) writing...
    Home stretch now. Most of the mistakes are either negligible or already accounted for.
    This entailed her wings turned into steel.
    Grammatically, yes, the word "entailed" kinda fits here. However, the verb itself implies something like a dark, necessary consequence will arise because of an action. It's technically a synonym for "meant/allowed", but it's really out of place in the context of this situation. Bear in mind that verbs both have a denotation (dictionary definition) and a connotation (what people associate with it). In this case, "entailed" connotes that it's bad or a price has been paid or something, while you're really just describing a casual attack. You can psyche out your readers by using dark connotations in light contexts and vice versa, but it just doesn't seem to fit here. =X
    And this concludes your Nazi Grammar Section. Don't be daunted by the gargantuan size of this thing; your grammar us definitely clean enough for a Complex capture. Most of this is just "WHEN YOU'RE WRITING AGAIN, DO BLAH BLAH", although I would like to see you work a bit on that over-repetition. Otherwise, good job. ^.^

    Dialogue: Most of your dialogue, barring the actual battle commands, seemed to have been taken from I've of the games itself. I dunno which; I never touched Gen III, but it's a really nice touch.

    You do seem to do a good job of characterization. Drake is gruff, Steven is methodical, and the main character is pretty herp-derp-average. And although I just made that up, we'll call that adjective a good thing. You're clear on dialogue tags, too, from what I can tell, so you've saved me a lecture. However, like the grammar section, there are a few (in this case, one larger one) finer elements that I feel I can point out to you because you're skilled enough to understand.

    Often (although this isn't a purely dialogue-based error), you'll be a bit redundant in your character's speaking. For instance, you've got Steven saying something like "Use Extrasensory, Claydol, to increase Darmanitan's sensitivity to poison!" And then, in the next paragraph, your main character basically goes "Oh noes... Claydol used Extrasensory to increase Darmanitan's sensitivity to poison!" It's a bit awkward when your characters repeat each other like that, so unless you intend to play it up for comedic effect or something, it's best to make sure that your dialogue and *narration aren't as similar as you make them sometimes.

    Regardless, your story was more plot-driven than character-driven. As a result, your dialogue and character development weren't as emphasized as your plot, meaning your dialogue didn't feel like a critically important piece. As a result, I van say that your dialogue easily fits the purpose of your story.

    Length: Okay, you've got yourself at 41,132, and I've got you at 40,839. I'm assuming you included your italics tags or something in the count, or this online counter isn't all that great. Regardless, Skarmory calls for 30-40K, and you're above the upper end of the suggested character count by a smidge. WHICH IS AWESOME.

    Anywho, your pacing seems all right. 40K for a recap/conclusion of a 6v6 and then another 6v6 is good length, but I really wouldn't push it much farther than that. Even the anime doesn't dare do that much consecutive battling that often, so keep that in mind.

    As it is, though, you're golden on length. WHY DOES THIS SECTION EXIST.

    Reality: I probably could've shoved this section under Plot and made it a lot less big-looking, but whatever. Your story is about as realistic as a story with fire-breathing chickens and mecha birds can be, but there were some logic gaps. Namely in Abilities, but there are a few others.

    Now that I think about it, I can't really decide the setting/verse of this piece-- it's kinda like in the games, since you have the E4 and stuff, but you have a more realistic battling method, among other things. However, this brings up the question of abilities: as a region-issued starter, Torchic/Blaziken should have the ability Blaze; Speed Boost is Dream World Exclusive and what not. I'm curious as to why the main character gets a special Blaziken, but this is something that would've been nice had you addressed it-- even something short, like "My Torchic had been specially bred to have this ability, unlike many others that had Blaze, blah blah blah" or something a bit more subtle.

    In addition, you give Darumaja the Sheer Force ability in passing, although it never seems to activate. However, its Zen Mode ability *does* activate, and it reverts to Zen Mode for a couple of paragraphs... So then it's got both at once... waitwhat?

    Strangest of all, though (to me, and it's not even that bad) is how you've got that strange interval between the battles against Drake and Steven. In neither the Pokemon games nor anime nor manga are trainers allowed to heal their Pokemon or swap teams prior to facing the Champion: the point of the entire challenge kinda seems like a test of the team's endurance. I understand that you needed this bathroom break for some description of the main character, but still... subtlety. XD

    Kinda random, and not really a reality issue, but the description of Stone Edge made me snicker. Like... it's a giant chicken that breathes fire, and this massive turquoise dragon... and said chicken basically gets out a rock and bashes the dragon on the head. I mean... seriously. What. XD

    All in all, though, your reality is okay. It's not as airtight as, say, your grammar or dialogue, but then again, it's Pokemon. Of course stuff isn't going to make sense.

    Personal Feelings/Outcome: Heh, this is probably your favorite part. I'MMA DRAG IT OUT SOME.

    A lot of your sections were really solid. Most of the things I pointed out in grammar, dialogue, and most of the introduction are just smaller things to keep in mind for next time. Your introduction and reality were also good enough for a Complex capture, too.

    But what really killed it for me was the plot. I think I made my position clear in the plot section, but I'll say it again: at a Complex level, you really do need a complex plot. Try putting it on a personal level, making the reader relate better with your main character so we can cheer for him and rejoice when he succeeds. AND CHEESY STUFF.

    Okay, so I could really go on about that forever. But I won't.

    Soooo... A large, winged figure emerged from the rubble. Bruised and battered, it weakly cared its victory, the mechanical sound echoing as...

  4. #4

    Default Re: [SWC] The Champion

    Graded then deleted for the SWC. On an iPod. Which should hopefully explain the typos to whoever reads it... XD

    Uh, PM'ing a copy to Nitro shortly.


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