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    May the force be with you BK201's Avatar
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    Default SW2

    Last edited by BK201; 17th January 2013 at 09:19 PM.

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    i'm wide awake Felly's Avatar
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    Default Re: SW2

    Claiming because I was asked if I could grade it, and I can. :3 Grade should be up soonish. Soonish as in by Thursday-ish. I dunno, apparently I can grade things while I'm at college during my break. :x


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  3. #3
    i'm wide awake Felly's Avatar
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    Default Re: SW2

    And here's your grade! :D

    Introduction
    So one of the first things I notice just by the thread title, SW2, is that this is most likely a sequel to another story. Once I actually opened the story up and read the little header thingy you have there and it said chapter 2, I knew it was a sequel. I've never read the original Shadow Wars, so I honestly have no idea as to what's going to be happening in this story or even what happened in the last story. One strong recommendation for future stories that are sequels is to provide some sort of introduction to the world the reader's about to be brought into and an insight as to what happened in the prequel. It'll allow the reader to get more engrossed in the story and have a better idea as to what's going on.

    Detail
    Your detail is decent for a story of this rank. You could probably have added some more, but it's decent enough. I was able to kind of envision the enviroments your characters were in, but more description allows to reader to envision the enviroment you're trying to describe more clearly. Some of your attacks could use a little more description too, but otherwise, it's adequate enough for this rank.

    One thing I would like to note here is how you failed to describe your characters. You described Luke's grandmother, but I didn't really see much description for your other characters. They may have been more thoroughly described in the prequel to this story, but considering I've never read that, I have no idea as to what your characters look like. The reader is simply left to envision grey blobs in their minds. The reader is able to relate more to the characters if they know what they look like and even how they act.

    “Okay I guess you want to know why you are here? and the answer is simple. It’s now time for you to go, and before we continue. I need to tell you who you are and what is going on so, let us start from the beginning. A long time ago Shadow Walkers lived in peace with people. We had a Guild where people like you ,Luke, went to train and learn to use you’re powers all was good, but there were some people that didn’t like the Guild, they wanted to destroy it and with it all Shadow Walker.

    They didn’t care how old you were, nor who you were they wanted all Shadow Walker dead, but the people wanted Shadow Walker we help the people and they helped us, and because of that we were safe. Or so we thought, It wasn’t long before Dukes, and land owners came together and decided they wanted a King, one that could get rid of the Guide once, and for all. But we weren't stupid when the Dukes and land owners went to vote we told the people what was going on, and they were not happy with it at all. The land owners which were just Rich people at the time found out what we had done, so they took it before the people and said that the king was for them so, instead of having a bunch of people disagreeing on one thing the King could have over all say. So the people agreed, but they said that if this was a way to get rid of the Guide they would not allow it to happen.

    This made it a lot harder to get rid of us, but they didn’t give up six years went by, and the new King was doing well, and the people liked having a king around as did we. A lot of stuff got done with the new king in power until a man they called Jack of blades, showed up were he came from we don’t know, but he made lot of trouble for the Guild. Jack of blades started to cause a lot of chaos in the land the Guild was done with him once and for all. The Guild was going to kill him but the king said would could do nothing about it so, we didn’t move on him. One night the Guild was set on fire at first we thought it was accident, that was until a woman from the outer village went to the Guild, and told us that the fire was not a accident. When we ask what she had saw she told us she was out that night, and that ,Jack of blades, did it. This woman saw Jack do it so now we had reason to kill him. We took if before the king and he said we were lying that this was just a way to get rid of him, no one in the Guild liked what the king had done.

    So we took it before the people to let them know what was going on, but it was too late. Jack had killed three Shadow Walker and destroyed a city, and then said we did it the king declared us to be outlaws, then he ordered the Guild to be destroyed, and with it all Shadow Walker. We were now at War the people tried to get rid of us, and the king had his own Shadow Walker that were obedient to him. This war went on for ten years before we lost. With the people against us there was no hope of winning so, the Shadow Walker went into hiding and the last of the Shadow Walker were hunted down and killed, or so they thought. And that is were you come into play Luke.”
    One thing I want to mention here is how this is just a wall of text with no breaks. It's just one character speaking all the way through; in this case, I'm assuming it's the father. I assume the other characters in the room would have some sort of reactions during the speech and maybe even questions to interject with. Instead, none of that happens. The father just talks on, seemingly without pausing for breath or allowing anyone else to speak or react.

    “Hello, are you alive? Hello!!!!!!!”

    “Meh, damn I fell like crap.”

    “Well look at that, you are alive hahaha!”

    “Who are you?”

    “Me? well that’s easy, I’m Drilbur who are you?”

    “I’m Luke, wait just a minute!, you’re a Pokemon?”

    “Yeah, what did you think I was a fish? come on.”

    “Am I in the Fade?”

    “No, your in the real world why?”
    Though not always adding "he said," "she said," or "they said" is necessary, it's generally helpful to add some sort of attribution to the lines of text every once in awhile. It reminds the reader who's speaking and also allows for the writer to add a little more description and reaction to what the other character has just said.
    "Hello there! How are you?" the blonde girl said.
    "I'm great," the brunette replied, "what about you?"
    "I'm fine," the blonde answered.

    Above is three examples of different ways you could use an attribution in a sentence. The first is just the typical quotation followed by an attribution. The second is a quotation, then an attribution, then the second half of the quotation. The third and final one is a quotation followed by an attribution, similar to the first one. The difference between the first one and the third one is that in the first one, there is no comma before the closing quotation marks and the attribution. In the third one, there's a comma. If the quotation preceding the attribution is a statement, you would use a comma like shown in the third example. If it's not, you would insert the normal punctuation like in the first one. You also wouldn't capitalize the first word of the attribution unless you were using someone's name. (That's also a bit of grammar too! Yay!)

    Grammar
    This is a section that definitely needs some work. I'm going to point out your more frequent mistakes, but one thing that I cannot stress to you enough is proofread, proofread, and proofread. Proofreading will help eliminate a lot of the mistakes you've got in your story. Using a word processor such as Microsoft Word or OpenOffice or anything along those lines, or even running your story through a grammar and spell checker, will help you out a lot.

    Plus, if you are going all the way up to the top you can see the valley.
    A comma should be added after "top." Basically, if you're reading the sentence out loud, and you need to pause to take a breath, add a comma. If not, don't add the comma.

    It was just a small little thing, with a front porch and fireplace. On the left side of the house there is a tree stump, which we use to chop wood. We have a little house built on the side were we put the wood so it does not get wet. Other then that it’s just a normal wood house, brown of course.

    I walked in the house to see what dad wanted, and mom was there also in the living room sitting down.
    If you start your story off in the past tense, you should continue to use the past tense in your entire story. Alternatively, if you start your story off in the present tense, you should continue to use it throughout your whole story. There are circumstances where you can switch the tenses up, but this is not one of them. The above quote should look like the bolded text below instead.
    "It was just a small little thing with a front porch and fireplace. On the left side of the house, there was a tree stump used to chop wood. We have a little house built on the side where we put the wood, so it does not get wet. Other than that, it's just a normal, brown wood house.

    I walked into the house to see what dad wanted, and mom was sitting in the living room as well."

    It doesn't have to be exactly like that, but something similar would suffice. I've also corrected some miscellaneous mistakes as well, such as comma errors.

    “Exar, and ,Revan, will go too Varrvazarrv. I have told them what to do already. As for you ,Luke, you will go too Duxen, its a city built into a mountain there you will find one of you’re generals there. His name is ,Galbatorix, he is also a Shadow Walker and a master of ground Pokemon now, I have a map here it will tell you how to get to Duxen. But know this its not going to be a walk in the park. There are six generals you must find once you find ,Galbatorix, send him back here. From there you will have to look for the others by yourself do you understand?”
    The commas after Exar and before and after Revan are unnecessary. The comma after Duxen should be a semi-colon since the part preceding the comma and the part after the comma are two separate sentences. (Alternatively, you could put a period after Duxen and capitalize it's.) Speaking of its, the its you have should be it's. The too you have in the first and third sentences should just have one "o" as well.
    "Exar and Revan will go to Varrvazarrv. I have told them what to do already. As for you, Luke, you will go to Duxen; it's a city built into a mountain. You will find one of your generals there. His name is Galbatorix, and he is a Shadow Walker like you as well as a master of Ground Pokemon. I have a map that will tell you how to get to Duxen. It's not going to be a walk in the park. Once you find Galbatorix, send him back here. You will have to look for the other five yourself. Do you understand?"
    If you compare the bolded part to what's in the quote, you'll see how much cleaner it looks. It's also much easier to read. Again, about commas, if you don't need to pause to take a breath when saying the sentence out loud, don't add a comma. If you do pause to take a breath when saying the sentence aloud, add the comma. Semi-colons are used in place of commas when a conjunction (and, or, but, etc.) isn't used. For example, in the "as for you, Luke..." sentence, you could use a semi-colon after Duxen since the part prior to it and the part preceding it are two separate sentences. In the "his name is Galbatorix..." sentence, I added the conjunction "and," so you would use a comma after Galbatorix. There's also the to/too/two rule. To is used when you're using an infinitive like phrase. (A good example of an infinitive would be "ir" from the Spanish language, which means "to go.") "To go," "to have," and "to want" are three examples of where "to" would be used. Too is similar to words like "as well" and "additionally." An example is "I want to go to Varrvazarrv too!" Two didn't come up in your story incorrectly, so I won't cover that since I'm assuming you know when to use "two." There's also the it's/its rule. It's is a contraction meaning "it is." You would use it any time you would normally insert "it is" into the statement. Its is for possession. For example, "the cat is known for its ability to land on all four legs when falling from a great height" is an example of using its in a sentence, and "it's a nice blouse" is an example of when you would use it's in a sentence.

    Castle Varrvazarrv, the throne room.......
    The "......." you have is fine, but you don't need seven periods. Three periods (...) is called an ellipsis. It basically demonstrates trailing off or an unfinished thought. In this case, you're using it for a scene change, which is okay. Although the amount of periods you use is unnecessary. You would only need three for en ellipsis. There are other parts of the story where you use an excessive amount of periods unnecessarily. If you want to show some form of a scene change, you could either make it more clear if you wanted to continue using the periods, or you could use a different kind of symbol.

    I do believe I've covered the more frequent errors. I do hope that this wasn't an overwhelming amount of information. I also hope that this does help you in some way.

    Climax
    Right, so there's a couple battles in this story. One between Luke and the Gastly and one between Luke and Justice. I'll describe both of those, and then I'll go into the climax and what I think about that.

    Luke versus Gastly was actually pretty interesting. I liked how it was a human versus a Pokemon instead of the usual Pokemon versus Pokemon you would normally see in battles. It was a nice change to the usual, and I liked it. It didn't seem too one-sided either, which was nice. I also liked how you included the fact that Gastly wanted to bond with Luke. It's something I haven't seen in a story I've graded during my time in URPG before, and I like it. Nice work!

    Now for Luke versus Justice. Justice kind of made me think of Thor because of the hammer and the thunder. That was kind of how I had envisioned Justice since not much description was given about him. A Thor-like man in white armor with a large hammer. Anyways, this battle seemed a little one sided. Even though Luke had help from Drilbur, it still seemed like Justice had the upper hand the entire time. Luke didn't even really have a fighting chance. I think Luke should have had more of a chance to redeem himself and maybe put up more of a fight rather than just taking a beating from Justice.

    I think that battle between Luke and Justice was also the climax, as well as the events following it, where Luke's talking to his grandparents. It's where he finds out more about the Shadow Walkers, what exactly he's supposed to do, and who he is. It's a nice touch that leads into the sequel (which I'm assuming there is one because it would make sense!), and I like it, so good work here.

    Conclusion
    Your story, excluding the introductory bit at the top with the name of the story and the chapter number/title and the bit in the second spoiler, is 33,845 characters. That's well over the 20k minimum needed for a Hard ranked Pokemon like Gastly, and that's perfectly okay!

    Unfortunately, I'm going to have to say Gastly is not captured. The grammar mistakes and lack of detail were what did it for me here. Also, Gastly was barely mentioned beyond the one battle between it and Luke. Though it seems like it's integral to the plot, I just feel like it should've been mentioned more. Nevertheless, add more detail, fix your grammar, and maybe try to include Gastly more if you can, and I'll give you the ghost. Hell, if you even just add more detail and fix the grammar (and not just what I told you either!), I'll give you the ghost. When you've finished fixing everything, just shoot me a message, and I'll give you a regrade.

    All in all though, I hope I wasn't too hard on you. :x I think you have potential to be a great writer (everyone does, really), so hopefully all of this helps you improve.


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