20th June 2011, 05:02 AM
A Story's Story (Ready for Grading)
Target Pokemon: Elekid (Simple, 5-10K)
Length: 23,426 (No Spaces)/28,636 (Spaces)
I apologize about the over-writing. Anyways, first story, have at it.
A Story’s Story
“Badass, wake up!”
I was awoken by the harsh sound of someone pounding on my door and shouting. Clearly, my sleep means nothing in this house. “Ten minutes,” I groggily reply back.
“Ten minutes? How about ten seconds!”
Then in what I can only assume was really three seconds, my door swung open by what sounded like a swift kick to the door knob. As I fumbled around to find my glasses, I squinted to see who it was that offended my slumber. Finally finding my pair of specs, I put them on to see a lanky 5’10 Asian male wearing a thick black baseball cap adorned with red flames drawn on, a grey shirt that looked like it had just been ironed, a jean jacket over said shirt, and a pair of sturdy black pants with splotches of mud. At least I hoped it was mud. The culprit who robbed me of current snooze-fest was my best friend Albert, or as he liked to be referred to, Pyronic.
“Come on Badass; get your lazy ass out of bed. The new story writing contest starts today,” said Albert. “And do you know which Pokémon the winner of the contest receives this time? An Elekid!”
I instantly perked up from my drowsy state. Currently, the only Pokémon in my possession was my Golett, Golly. However, being part Ground-type, it has always had a problem with Grass-, Ice-, and Water-types. To offset this disadvantage, I’ve vowed to one day acquire an Elekid. There was a very specific and simple reason why it had to be an Elekid: the three elemental punches. As anyone not living under a Geodude knows, the three elemental punches are Fire Punch, Ice Punch, and Thunder Punch. Even though Elekid wouldn’t learn Fire Punch until it was a fully grown Electivire I could make due with only two out of three punches for now.
“Toss me my pants,” I said to Albert.
Albert turned towards the closet and started rummaging around. I could tell he was having trouble finding clothes in all the clutter that was known as my room. I seriously needed to tidy up this abysmal excuse for a room. There were used wrappers from already eaten Rage Candy Bars scattered all over the floor; spare Pokéballs discarded on my barely used wooden shelf except for a pair of headphones. I honestly couldn’t even begin to comprehend how I managed to breathe in this room. I’m almost positive there is more dust than oxygen in this room nowadays. Albert finally pulled out two pairs of pants, snapping me out of my thoughts about this pitiful excuse for a room.
“You feeling like the raggedy blue jeans or the usual camouflage?” inquired Albert.
I simply shot him a glare. He knew which pants I was talking about. They’re my usual pants for a reason. Besides, I haven’t worn those blue jeans in a long time; I doubt they even fit anymore. I’ve definitely bulked up a bit since those jeans were on these legs. I can’t even recall how much I weighed back then, but nowadays I’m around 235 pounds. That weight surprises people sometimes; I’ve been told I look about 50 pounds lighter than that. I guess I blend it all together well in my 5’6 frame of a body.
“I’m assuming you’re going with the wife beater too?” asked Albert.
“Albert, I’ve told you before, just call it a tank top. Wife beater has such an uncomfortable ring to it,” I answered back.
“And I’ve told you before, it’s Pyronic now,” he grumbled back, while tossing me my white, beaten up tank top.
As I slipped on those oh so comfy camo pants that I loved and that loose fitting tank top, my mind was racing with ideas on what I should write the story about. There’s always the classic and fun run-into-a-Pokémon-and-catch-it, but it seems like so many others do that. I needed this story to stand out. Or I could have some fun and it set in medieval times. One thing was for sure: if I wanted that spunky electrical spark plug known as an Elekid, I was going to make damn sure that I had earned it.
“Well, let’s get to it. First, we’ve got to head to the Pokémart to pick up some ink for the printer; I’ve been out for about a week,” I said to Alber-, I mean, Pyronic.
“No need,” Pyronic replied back. “I hear HurriKim just caught herself a Horsea. She said she would be willing to help us out with some free ink if you can beat her in a battle.”
A Horsea? Golly wasn’t going to be pleased about facing a Water-type. Due to the abundance of Water-type Pokémon, Golly has always hated facing them the most. It seems for every Water Pokémon it faces, another two are discovered moments later.
“Well, I guess I better let Golly know. It’s going to want to prepare itself mentally as much as it can,” I said to Pyronic. I grabbed its Pokéball off my night stand, tossed it to the floor and said, “Come on out, Golly!”
In a flash of bright red light, the Pokéball opened. My partner had emerged from its cramped, spherical holdings. Various shades of light and dark blues made up most of its body, brown straps crisscrossing across its chest while meeting in the center at a cyan diamond with a yellow squared swirl, glowing yellow eyes, and a fin like topped that was interchanging of cyan and cerulean. This was Golly the Golett, my faithful partner. I let out a slight chuckle when my partner had shown itself; I always did find it ironic that bits of Golly are the color of a gym it would never step foot in.
“Golly, I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” I began to say to Golly. “The good news is that soon, you and I will have an Elekid as our partner.”
Those glowing yellow eyes began to shine brighter than I have ever seen before. Golly began fist pumping in the air. I’m assuming my news of finally having another Pokémon to backup its weaknesses has pleased it. I’m going to hate crushing Golly’s good mood with the other news of having to face a Water-type. I figured it was better to just get it over with before it gets too excited.
“Settle down buddy,” I said, trying to bring Golly back from over excitement. “There’s more news to this, remember? The bad news is… you’ll have to face a Horsea.”
With that last bit of news, Golly stomped fist pumping. Its arms had dropped like a sack of potatoes. Golly let out a low, grumbling noise; a noise that I could only assume would be the equivalent of a groan. Clearly, Golly wasn’t happy with this little tidbit of newly revealed information. Then, my Golly did something I’ve never seen it do before. It clenched its tiny fist and let out a couple of quick little ghost jabs. I knew this move right away: Shadow Punch.
“I… I think Golly is excited for this battle,” said Pyronic.
Golly had ceased its moping; I’m assuming it realized there is no point in pouting about a fact you can’t change. That’s one of the things I loved about Golly; it knew when there was no point in throwing a hissy fit.
“Well then,” I began, “let’s get to it. We’ve got a battle to get to. Pyronic, head over to Kim’s house and let her know we’ll be there soon. Golly and I have our pre-battle ritual to attend to.”
“Sure thing Commander Badass. Good luck with the battle; you too Golly! Try not to get too wet,” Pyronic said. “Oh, also, we’re calling her HurriKim from now on!”
“Just get going!” I grumpily replied back.
I wasn’t too fond with these nicknames he has been giving us. I guess they’re fun in a way. I hate to admit it, but being known as Commander Badass is definitely growing on me. It just has a good ring to it. That’s beside the point though, it was pre-battle ritual time.
“Golly, hit the lights,” I said to my bulky friend.
I then realized what I had said. Why did I have to use the word “hit”? Before I could correct myself, Golly let out a loud, screeching growl that sounded like two gears grinding together that desperately needed to be oiled down a bit. I began hoping the damage wouldn’t be too bad, even if it was foolish thinking. Golly let out one quick Shadow Punch towards my Bellsprout-shaped desk lamp, shattering it on impact. Pieces of plastic shaped like twigs and leaves went flying around. The light bulb and the yellow “head” of the Bellsprout that contained the bulb were demolished with what little remains I could make out lying on my night stand and bed. Of course there was no way a mere desk lamp could survive an impacting blow like that. Golly was pleased with itself; it was one of the most efficient Shadow Punches it had ever thrown.
“Not what I meant buddy, but it’s alright. I had a feeling something like this would one day happen, so I bought a spare,” I said while searching in my mess of a closet; finally finding the spare lamp and setting it on the desk. “I’ll clean this mess later, it’s pre-battle ritual time! Who do you feel like listening to today, David Bowie or Arcade Fire?”
Golly banged its bluish-green fist on the ground once, telling me it wanted some Bowie. “Good choice bud,” I replied back. I grabbed my headphones from that creaky shelf and my iPod from the floor next to the outlet where it had been charging all night. I plugged in my headphones into the lightly scratched, silver iPod and began heading downstairs. I scrolled until I found the perfect song: “Let’s Dance”. I cranked the volume up to full blast to make sure Golly could hear the Bowie goodness.
“Ahh… Ahh… Ahh… Ahh…,” I sang along with the music, singing louder with each progressing “ahh”. Golly was jumping with joy; this was one of its favorite songs ever, let alone by Bowie himself. As the song progressed to the chorus, I knew it was time to head over to mine and Pyronic’s good friend Kim’s house. Or, well, I guess HurriKim now. “Come on Golly, we’ve got work to do.”
Golly and I headed outside and began the walk to HurriKim’s house. Luckily, it wasn’t that far; about a 10 minute walk. It gave me and Golly time to feel the cool, refreshing spring breeze that had just began to recently come in. It smelled absolutely wonderful outside. A mix of spring flowers, Jumpluff pollen, and a faint hint of freshly baked bread. The sun gave off just the right amount of heat as it was peeking through the white, fluffy clouds. Mixed with the breeze, it was like a being wrapped up in a warm blanket fresh out of the dryer on a cold winter day; also known as the perfect feeling. I glanced over to Golly to see that it had also taken a liking to today’s weather. It had shut its glowing amber eyes and lifted its head, welcoming the light wind to flow across its hefty chest. I had often wondered if Golly could smell too. It had no ears, yet it could hear. I can only assume it was able to take in these wonderful scents also; it would be a shame if it could not.
Before Golly and I knew it, we were standing in front of a gorgeous and well taken care of house. Surrounded by a delicate beige picket fence, neatly trimmed grass, and a Pikachu mailbox with its mouth acting as the opening for the mail and the tail as the handy lever to let you know if there is any mail, I knew we had arrived at HurriKim’s house.
“BADASS!” I heard screamed from the side of the house.
A petite, Japanese gal standing at about 5 feet tall, wearing an egg white shirt, flowing cotton overcoat, saddles, and acid washed jeans came dashing across the lawn; her hair pulled back into a ponytail swishing side to side as she came to embrace me in a tight hug that would put a Kingler using Vice Grip to shame.
“Hi HurriKim, good to see you too,” I managed to gasp out as I was being squeezed.
“Badass, ready for our battle? Horsea has been waiting all day hoping to finally get a chance at a real battle!” Kim excitedly exclaimed to me. “Pyronic is in the back getting the pool ready.”
“Well then, the three of us better not keep him waiting. Come on Golly, it’s time to earn us some ink so we can get to that story!”
Golly nodded in approval and the three of us made our way to the back of her house. She had a square pool in her backyard, about 10 yards long on each side. Knowing that it was just me and Golly, she had special floating platforms scattered around the pool that were able to support up to 400 pounds, more than enough to support my Golett.
“Pyronic, I’m assuming you’re going to be the referee for this little match-up?” I asked.
He pulled out red and green flags out of his back pocket, along with a black and white stripped shirt. “Sure am,” he replied back.
“Sounds good buddy. Well, we know I’m using my Golett, Golly, and I can only assume you’re going to be using your new Horsea. So let’s get this battle started then, I’ve got a story to write!” I shouted to HurriKim from the opposite side of the pool, as Golly hopped onto one of the floating platforms. I could tell it was a little uncomfortable being surrounded by all this water, but I knew it was nothing Golly would be distracted by.
“Oh, Badass, you’re always so hasty,” Kim yelled from her side of the water. “Don’t you know it’s not polite to rush a lady? Well, I suppose boys will be boys. Come on out, Neptune!”
She tossed her Pokéball onto one of the platforms and that familiar bright red light flashed into the water. In the water floated a sky blue seahorse with three prongs on each side of its head acting as ears, scarlet eyes, and a cream colored under belly with a single back fin matching in color.
Pyronic, now decked out in his ref shirt, picked up his flags and began to speak. “This will be a one on one Pokémon battle! Commander Badass and his Golett, Golly, versus Hurrikim and her Horsea, Neptune. BATTLE, BEGIN!”
“Neptune, start things off with a Smokescreen!” Kim called out to her newly acquired
In a blink of an eye, Horsea inhaled as much air as it could and let out a long stream of thick black fog. The battlefield had become enshrouded in this thankfully odorless gas. Golly was standing still on its platform, not at all worried about missing its first attack. Simply put, there was no way it could miss.
“Alright Golly, this smoke is nothing you can’t handle with a Shadow Punch!”
Golly let out that gear-grinding growl again and gave one punch in the direction of the fog. A black shadowy fist shot out from Golly’s arm and flew quickly into the dark abyss. A shallow, hard thud mixed with the sounds of splashes was heard; then a quick screech of “HOR-SEEAAAAA” rang out. It was a hit. I began to wonder why that punch sounded so hard. Then I remembered Golly’s ability: Iron Fist. It made all punching moves hit extra hard. If only Elekid could learn Iron Fist, then that feisty sparkplug would be perfect.
“Silly HurriKim, you weren’t really expecting to hide behind all of this gas, were you? Shadow Punch never misses. Golly, get ready to send another Shadow Punch!”
“Never misses? I wouldn’t be too sure of that. Neptune, use Dive!”
Blast! I had forgotten that even though Shadow Punch normally never misses, there were some rare occasions when one could miss. As Golly reared its arm back and threw another punch into the air, I heard the plop sound of an objection going underwater. The shadowy fist had appeared from Golly’s fist and shot into the fog. There wasn’t any sound this time. A miss.
“Alright Neptune, now come on up and hit ‘em hard!” Kim shouted from her side of the cloudy pool.
“Be careful Golly, this attack is gonna sting. When it comes up, let’s go for the gamble and try a Dynamic Punch!”
I knew it was a long shot; Dynamic Punch wasn’t exactly the best move when it came to accuracy, but I knew if I wanted a chance at winning this water battle, I needed to tip the sides a bit in my favor. And nothing tips a battle in your favor like a lot of damage along with some confusion.
A deep crimson aura began to surround Golly’s fist. It began to retract its arm, waiting for its opponent to show itself. Suddenly, the foe revealed itself from behind my faithful companion.
“Golly, behind you!” I shouted out
Golly quickly spun around as Neptune sprang out of the water charging. The two had definitely collided, but I couldn’t tell if my attack had landed. Then I saw it; Neptune’s formerly crimson eyes have now turned into a dazed swirl. No doubt about it, it was confused.
“GAH!” shrieked Kim. “How is that even possible?! Neptune, snap out of it and fire a Bubble Beam!”
“RIGHT ON, GOLLY! Now, let’s try and finish this with another Shadow Punch!”
Both must have taken major damage from those last attacks. A Dynamic Punch powered up through Iron Fist and a super-effective Dive; I haven’t the faintest clue how both of our Pokémon still had the energy to continue. However, it made no difference; these next attacks will surely be the end of the battle. As I eagerly watch Golly prepare to launch another Shadow Punch, I see Neptune swimming in circles out of its confusion. Unexpectedly, it smacked itself hard into the platform that Golly was standing on. Perfect, it had hurt itself in confusion. Then I noticed something that freighted me: Golly had lost its footing from the resulting slam. It began to slowly stumble backwards towards the edge desperately trying to regain its balance.
“GOLLY, NO! PYRONIC, CALL OFF THE MATCH” I shouted towards him, reaching for Golly’s Pokéball on my belt. But it wasn’t there. How careless of me, I had left its ball at my house. I couldn’t recall him to safety.
“Neptune, save Golly!” shouted Hurrikim, but it was useless. Her Horsea was still confused, swimming in circles, doing all it can to snap out of its confusion. I heard another plop that set shivers down my spine; Golly was no longer on the platform.
“Pato Borracho, come help out! Go down there and save Golly!” shouted Pyronic as he tossed his Pokéball towards the water.
As I sprinted towards the pool and dove in, I saw that familiar bright red light flash through the water. It seemed brighter than usual, maybe that was the effect of seeing it through this aquatic liquid. A grass green and yellow figure emerged beside me as we swam towards Golly. It took me a moment to release it, but this was Pyronic’s former Lotad, now a fully evolved Ludicolo. The two of us made it to Golly, who was wincing in pain. Both of us on each side grabbed onto one of Golly’s thick arms and swam towards the shallow end of the pool. Thankfully, the water made Golly a lot lighter than what it really was. As Pato and I made it to the end of the pool, Pato lifted Golly up above its head and carried it out of the pool. As Pato laid Golly on the soft grass, I noticed that Golly had been shivering. Its normally bright, glowing eyes were shut in pain; being submerged in that much water had damage it badly. I began to rummage through my pockets to see if I had anything of use. Then I felt it: my last Hyper Potion. Quickly, I dragged it out of my pocket and sprayed the contents of the bottle unto Golly. The three of us and their Pokémon huddled around and waited for what seemed like a century.
Finally, Golly began to shake less and less. When it was nearly done trembling, it finally began to slowly open those glowing amber eyes.
“GOLLY!” the three of us shouted in unison.
“I was worried about you buddy,” I said to my partner, fighting back the tears.
“Sorry about the Golly,” HurriKim apologetically said.
“We almost lost ya there little ‘mon,” said Albert. “Good work P.B., return.”
“You come on back too, Neptune”
Both of them aimed their Pokéballs at their respective allies. Once again, that oh-so-familiar red light shown, this time as a beam. Their whole bodies turned the same shade of red, as they were retracted into their round resting place.
“Badass, I’m so sorry about what happened,” said Kim, her head hanging low in shame. She was just as shaken up about the whole situation as I was. “Is there anything I can do to make this the tiniest bit better?”
“Two things actually,” I said. “Don’t beat yourself up about this. Things happen in a battle that we can’t control. Anyways, that most important thing is that Golly is better now. I’m sure a bit of rest will do wonders for him. Secondly, think you can spare some of Horsea’s ink? I’ve been out for about a week.”
“No problem Badass! I have some inside, let me just go in real quick and grab some,” she cheerfully said back, jogging inside her house.
“So, Pato Borracho?” I asked inquisitively.
“It means ‘Drunk Dunk’ in Spanish,” said Pyronic with the straightest face I’ve ever seen.
We both then let out our hardiest laughs, laughing the whole time until HurriKim came back with the ink.
“Thanks darling. Now if you two will excuse me, I have a story to write,” I said to them both as I parted ways back home. “Think you can make the walk Golly?”
Golly looked up from its restful state of lying on the grass. It stood up and nodded, signaling to me it was alright for the trek back home.
“Hey, Badass, what’s your story going to be about anyways?” asked Pyronic.
I had completely forgotten about thinking up a storyline. What was I going to do, just type and hope it makes sense? That was preposterous. I needed to get home and seriously think up something good.
“I’ll think of something. I always do, don’t I?” I answered back, heading home.
As Golly and I began the journey back home, I gave Golly the iPod to listen to in hopes of raising its spirits up. I could hear “Black Friday Rule” by Flogging Molly over the headphones. I’m amazed at how alike mine and Golly’s taste in music were. Maybe that’s why we make such a damn good time.
As we reached our destination, I let out a sigh of relief and said, “Finally… we’re home.”
It was time to finally get started on that contest. Golly laid across the floor, exhausted from the day. I didn’t blame Golly; it definitely had a rough day. I couldn’t afford to do the same though; I had to think of a good tale to win the Elekid. I began rethinking the past events of the day to try and get an idea. Yet, I still didn’t have the slightest clue on what to write on. Then it hit me. I knew exactly what to write. As I poured the ink into the printer, I was ready to finally get all this writing done with. Equipped with a fully loaded printer, I turned on my laptop, wanting to get started as soon as possible with the idea fresh in my head.
Suddenly, the whole house went dark; a power outage had occurred. I managed to hold myself back from shouting rage induced expletives; I didn’t want to wake up Golly. I of all people knew exactly how much sleep means in this house. Determined to knock this story out by the end of the night, I grabbed my coat and a flashlight and walked around back in the chilly still air towards the circuit breaker. Even though I didn’t know anything about circuit breakers, I’d figured it would be as easy as flipping, then re-flipping the switch.
Without a doubt, the air was much colder than earlier in the day. It was unusual for a day at this time of the year, but there are always bound to be weird days. Flashlight in hand, I finally found that steel cold box that hopefully held the answers to my current problems. I flipped the switch downward. I figured it was a good idea to give it a couple of seconds. I don’t know why, but I feel like it would be a bad idea to quickly toggle the switch. As I was ready to flip the switch back into its original position, a quick jolt of electricity shot towards the wall I was standing by. I quickly turned around and saw a shape I was extremely familiar with.
Ears shaped like the prongs of a plug, black bands around thick, bulky arms, a black thunderbolt pattern on the chest, and small and round yellow stature bringing it all together on two small feet. This was an Elekid, and like most Elekids, it was angry.
Panicked, I began to slowly inch my way back around the corner of the house to make it inside. However, this Elekid wasn’t done toying with me. It cut me off with another jolt of electricity. Even though I had done nothing wrong to this Elekid, such miniscule details didn’t matter to an Elekid. It seemed like they had only one speed: pissed off. The Elekid shot another jolt just above my head. Quickly, I began to formulate a plan in my head. I only had one shot; I could tell this Elekid was extra agitated and planned on taking its aggravations out on me.
I made a dash towards the window. Elekid, not ready to let me go in peace, shot another jolt, hitting the window I was running towards. An ear piercing shatter rattled across the sky. I wasn’t sure, but I hoped it was loud enough.
“Shadow Punch!” I said as loud as I could, hoping that the window breaking had awoken Golly from its sleep.
As I waited, I saw the Elekid begin to rotate its arms. I recognized this motion; it was gathering up electricity in its prongs to let out a Thunderbolt. I was toast. There’s just no way I could survive a Thunderbolt in such close range. Its prongs began glowing brighter and brighter with every second it charged itself up.
“Eeeeeeeleeee… KIIIIIIIID,” the Elekid shouted.
An enormous and bright zap of electricity was shot in my direction. I shut my eyes, bracing for the impending impact. But nothing happened. I didn’t understand; there’s no way it could have missed at such a close range. I slowly began to open my eyes and saw what I couldn’t have been any happier to seen. Golly was standing tall and took the brunt of the attack with no problem. Electric-types are nothing to Golly. Golly let out one quick punch in the air. I was fully aware of what was coming next. Like clockwork, the phantom fist had been launched towards the ill-tempered spark plug. The punch connected, square in the jaw!
“Thanks buddy. I would’ve been a goner if you hadn’t shown up,” I said, thanking my Golett. “Let’s show that little punk what true power is. Give ‘em a Focus Punch”
Golly’s fist began to glow the purest shade of white I had ever seen. It’s rare that I get a chance to use Focus Punch. Due to the terrible stipulation that it needs to focus all its energy for this punch to work, any attack that hits it would prevent it from working. However, due to Elekid not able to hurt Golly at all, that was going to be my key advantage. As Golly began concentrating on unleashing the punch, I noticed the air had gotten colder than before. A chilling gust of icy cold wind had settled over this battle. That’s when I noticed Elekid’s fist. It had changed from its normal yellow into an ice blue.
“Shit…” I mumbled under my breath. “Could this Elekid really know that move?”
The Elekid then lunged itself towards Golly. It landed one punch right into Golly’s gut. The white aura from Golly’s fist vanished; its focus had been broken. It was what I feared. The thick, cold air; the ice blue fist. Without a doubt, that was an Ice Punch. Golly was in serious pain now. It still hadn’t fully recovered from the near drowning from earlier. Golly wouldn’t be able to take many more of those hits; this battle had to end now.
“Golly, it’s time to finish this! Put this fool away, Land Before Time style! EARTHQUAAAAAAKE!”
Another icy blue fist began to form around Elekid’s tiny hands. It could tell that last hit did major damage. I just hope Golly could survive this next one. There was no choice really; it had to survive the next one. The Elekid lunged forward once again with another Ice Punch ready to hit. Golly raised its arms in the air, preparing to slam them down any moment. The Elekid brought its cold fist downward, aiming for Golly’s head. Just then, Golly brought its fist and whole body down to the ground, dodging the attack and letting loose a devastating Earthquake. Somehow, Golly knew were Elekid was planning on landing that blow, and perfectly planned the situation accordingly. The Elekid landed just behind Golly and turned around, facing the epicenter of Golly’s attack. The ground opened up, swallowing the Elekid into the dark canyon of the Earth. Golly stood triumphant over the cliff.
“Way to go Golly!” I joyously exclaimed. “Shadow High-Five!”
Golly lightly let out an open-handed swipe in the air as I did the same. Just as with Shadow Punch, a ghostly hand emerged from Golly’s. However, unlike Shadow Punch, this was a gentle high-five instead of a fearsome jab. I was so glad I taunt Golly this neat little technique. As my hand and the phantom hand met in the air with a smack, I knew it was time to finish what I came out here to do. I looked at the circuit breaker and flipped the switch back on. Finally, power had been restored to my house. As Golly and I headed back inside, I knew exactly what to make my story about.
“Take a rest buddy, you’ve earned it”
Golly nodded, tapped its Pokéball which had been lying on the floor, and retreated to a well deserved rest. I still had work to do though. I pulled a chair up to my laptop and began writing. I knew this would be the story to earn me an Elekid. The night had become silent except for the sound of my fingers typing across the keyboard. I pulled all my ideas together to form a title. Elekid: Pissed Off Rock Star. I grinned to myself as I began typing the story which will hopefully earn me my next companion…
28th June 2011, 08:01 PM
I eat Frogs
Re: A Story's Story (Ready for Grading)
Plot ~ A good-simple plot. You didn’t have anything that made my mind blow apart but it was solid execution and it worked. To start, the idea of you writing a story for a Pokemon was funny considering you are writing for a Pokemon and I was eager to find out how you were going to pull it off. I also have to say that the idea of getting ink from Horsea was very original and something I haven’t seen before in a story. I was slightly disappointed when I found out you weren’t going to continue with the story aspect as I thought that would have been great.
Now onto the stuff that could have been improved. First, you never gave the age of the main character. This isn’t that important if you give the reader a range to put the story into context. I had assumed the boy was a teenager, but if so I have a few questions. Does he have parents? If so, where are they? Does he go to school? You’ll need to think about these things for future stories as you’ll need such details for fuller stories.
Second, why did the Elekid finally appear? I’m pretty sure Elekid just don’t walk up to a house and mess with the electricity. You don’t need to have something elaborate here, you can just say that is was attracted to the warmth of the house because it was cold and accidentally screwed up the power grid. You don’t need to do this for all Pokemon just in certain situations where the appearance would be unlikely.
Introduction ~ You did a good job here also. You introduced the main character and Pokemon and set up the story so the reader knew what it would be about. If there was one thing I felt you could have improved on was describing the opening bedroom scene with more detail.
~ I just a small example of what i mean.
Originally Posted by me
Characters ~ You did fine here. The characters were consistent in their personalities throughout and they were likable.
Grammar: You did really good here so I don’t have much to say. Here’s some problems that I spotted:
~ You have stomped in place of the word stopped. A common enough mistake and something you can only catch through proofreading.
Originally Posted by you
~ You need a comma a this part.
Originally Posted by you
~ You forgot the word Pokemon at the end of the sentence here.
Originally Posted by you
~ Taunt should be taught.
Originally Posted by you
Finally, when describing the red light of the Pokeball try changing up the word for that color. Instead of just using red you can try ruby or crimson. Remember to proofread your work carefully to catch those minor mistakes.
Detail: You did a solid job here too. The Pokemon and Pokemon attacks were spot on in your description and I had no problem visualizing what was going on. I like how you used both the surroundings and the weather in your story too as some people tend to forget that minor detail when they begin writing.
~ I like this sentence especially because you didn’t just do the weather you used some the senses also. Keep doing this kind of detail your writing will go far here.
Originally Posted by you
The one black spot here is that you didn’t give us what the main characters looked like. You did tell us a few things like one character was Asian, but you need to take a step further in your description. You should tell us right away if they are blond hair and blue eyes, or brunette with green eyes. You can also include such things as what the facial features are and the body type.
Battle: You had two battles in this story and they weren’t the focal point of the story. The first battle between Horsea and Golett was fairly evened. I liked how you used the pool with platforms for the battle, but I would have liked you to use them in the battle. For instance when Horsea used dive Golett could have jumped to a different platform to avoid the attack.
On a different note I like how you included the ability of Golett in the fight. In some cases this is overlooked or simply can’t take place in the battle so i’m glad you used it to influence the fights.
Something you could have done to give your battles that extra wow factor was to use combos. In the story setting you are allowed to use moves like they do in the anime, no holds barred. For instance, during the battle with Horsea and Golett you could have used Shadow punch to distract the foe while Golett used Hammer arm on the water or platform to create a mini tidal-wave.
One last comment, I would have liked to see the end battle be a tad longer.
Overall your battle section was solid and well done.
Length: Way over. Were you trying to set a record or something?
Overall: Captured. I don’t have any reason to really fail this story. It was done enough that I would have passed a complex mon or any lower mon for you. Keep in mind what I said and continue to write well.
Last edited by AmericanTreeFrog; 30th June 2011 at 07:07 PM.
League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis