The Story of Seth Kramer - Book 1 - Ready to Grade

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    Default The Story of Seth Kramer - Book 1 - Ready to Grade

    In the furthest corner of the Kanto region lies a small city, nestling itself on the foothills of Mt Moon. Here is where our story begins, with a young naive teenager who is ready to become the next Pokemon Master, however unaware of his true purpose in life. This is the story of Seth Kramer, the boy who saved the world.

    Chapter 1: The Beginning Of Something Grand


    The light slipped through the small gap between the blinds and illuminated the small cosy room. The room was filled with posters of Pokemon and small Pokemon dolls, stacked on the shelves. Centred in the middle of the room was a young teenager, sprawled across a king-size bed, snoring peacefully away. Then all of a sudden, a loud ringing sound appeared from his bed side table. The small Pidgey alarm started to vibrate and produce a loud irritable purring sound. Suddenly, almost like life returned to the boy’s body, the young teenager bolted out his right arm and slammed it on the alarm. The Pidgey sound slowly faded away.

    “Seth, Seth, today is the big day,” A female voice said from the bottom of the stairs.

    The young teenager moaned and glanced across to a calendar, pinned to the wall. The calendar was marked with a red pen, crossing out previous days and highlighting a certain day, 25th February. Seth slowly rolled over and looked at his Pidgey alarm clock. In the top right hand corner, the small digitalized digits read: 25/2/11. Seth bolted out of his bed and downstairs. Seth had been waiting for this day since he was a little boy, the day he would start his quest to be the greatest Pokemon Trainer. Seth was so excited about this day that last night he fell asleep with his clothes on, so he won’t be late to receive his Pokemon. Seth raced down the stairs, wearing a thin blue jacket and a white top underneath. He wore faded jeans that hung over some designer blue sneakers; give to him as a birthday present.

    “Alright, bye Mum, I am off on my adventure,” Seth said as he ran past his Mum, placing a soft kiss on her check. A small tear-drop fell from her eye, before being quickly wiped off. Seth walked towards the wooden framed door and signalled to his mother before grabbing his grey rucksack and heading off down the road. His Mum stood on the porch of the house and watched as her son headed off down the road.

    Seth hurried down the road, fixed on one goal, to receive his starter Pokemon from the local gym. He raced past his old school, containing many good memories and also some bad memories, for example it was in this school which Seth decided that he wanted to be an explorer. However after learning about the death of Red, the Kanto Pokemon Champion, he strived to become the next Pokemon Champion. Then in the distance, a large oval dome appeared across the horizon. As Seth got closer, the large oval dome became clear; it was the cities gym, Pewter Gym. It was accustomed that all new trainers must either seek out a Pokemon Professor or a Gym Leader to receive their starter Pokemon, and because Pewter’s Gym Leader was Brock, a master of the rock Pokemon, trainers would receive a rock starter Pokemon. Seth had only heard rumours of which Pokemon trainers are offered, some people were give a Ryhorn or an Onix, whereas others were given a Geodude or a Shuckle. I wonder what Pokemon I will be given as my starter,

    After minutes of travelling, Seth was in front of two huge brown doors, leading to the gym. Seth knocked three times and pushed the doors open. When Seth opened the doors, he saw hundreds of Rock Pokemon in the arena, what looked like rebuilding the terrain. A pair of Geodude rolled a large artificial rock into place and am Onix nodded, indicating it was in the right position. Seth walked around the room, examining what each Pokemon was doing, when a young blonde lady confronted him. “Are you here for your starter Pokemon,” she said as she flicked her hair around her shoulders. She was beautiful, almost like an angel had fallen from the sky. Her pale skin complexion shinned and her dark brunette hair sparkled. Seth was speechless and started to mumble some words of agreement. The lady smiled and led Seth towards a small room, to the side of the main arena. Seth fixed his eyes to her, admiring her body and beauty she possessed. Seth wasn’t the ladies man, he had never had a girlfriend and whenever he was around someone beautiful, he would freeze and mumble some words. She closed the door behind Seth and said, “Brock will be with you shortly, this is the Pewter Lab. Here you will be given a Pokemon and a Pokedex to start you on your journey.” As soon as she said this, a medium height man walked into the room. He had dark fluffy hair and brown skin complexion. He wore an orange V-neck shirt and some brown working trousers. He held a cigarette in his hand and sat in the chair in the corner of the room.

    “Ok so blah blah blah, you want a Pokemon I guess?” Brock said, taking a puff from his cigarette.

    “Umm, yes, so I can start my journey to become the next Pokemon Champion,” Seth said boldly.

    Brock chuckled and rested his cigarette on the table in front of him and said, “I was one of Red’s best friends, we have been through a lot. I saw a Champion within him; I unfortunately can’t say the same about you. Here take this Pokemon; I caught him while I was on holiday in the Unova Region, horrible place, and full of new Pokemon. I swear I saw an Ice Cream Pokemon and I wasn’t even high at the time.”

    Seth caught the Pokeball and pressed the small button on the front, releasing the Pokemon from inside. A white flash appeared and soon faded, leaving a small rock Pokemon standing in the middle of the room. Seth stared at the Pokemon and asked Brock, “Umm what Pokemon is this?”

    “Roggenrola, some common Pokemon in Unova. Here scan it with this Pokedex, see what it says,” Brock said as he tossed the Pokedex towards Seth. Seth caught the Pokedex and pointed it towards Roggenrola. A digitalized voice bellowed out loud, “Roggenrola, the Mantle Pokémon. Roggenrola's body contains an energy core which is hard as steel from being compressed underground.” Seth bent down to the same level as Roggenrola and picked it up. Seth looked into the core of his body and said to Roggenrola, “I think I will call you Brick, you remind me of a movie character, but I can’t remember which one.”

    “Ok, you greeted your Pokemon, now time to leave my gym; I have to deal with 30 more annoying kids who all have the same goal. I swear if I get 100 Pokedollars for every time I hear that a kid wants to be the next Pokemon Champion, I would be a millionaire. Head towards Pallet Town if you want some guidance, however be warned, Professor Oak has recently started going crazy. They think it’s the result of millions of kids asking for the same three Pokemon, over and over again.” Brock chuckled and picked up his cigarette and placing it in his mouth.

    Seth thanked Brock; however Brock didn’t take much notice of it. Brock has had a high reputation for being a laid back, uncaring and mean person, however many children still look up to him as a idol, after he managed to defend his gym for 10 matches in a row and become one the most powerful Gym Leaders in Kanto and Johto combined.

    Seth exited the gym and started to walk south, towards the Virdian Forest. Seth had never thought of travelling through Viridian Forest, however with Roggenrola by his side, Seth was confident about anything that came his way. Within minutes, Seth was outside the entrance to Viridian Forest, there was a huge building in front, a sort of protection from invading bugs or man eating flies. Seth entered the building, with Roggenrola sitting on his shoulder, and picked up a small map of Viridian Forest. He followed his finger around the suggested route, over and over again, making sure he wasn’t going to get lost. After memorizing the route, Seth and Roggenrola made the plunge and entered the Viridian Forest.



    Chapter 2: The Bug Tailor


    The whole atmosphere was different inside the forest. It was a lot more warmer compared to Pewter City. The noise intensified and now you can hear the small crickets chatting to one and another. Seth looked up at the tall trees; every single tree was coated with different colour leaves, varying from Orange, Yellow, Red and Green. Seth firmly held Roggenrola close to him, scared that a Pokemon would jump out and take Roggenrola away from him. Then all of a sudden, a loud buzzing sound slowly got louder. Seth pivoted around, trying to find the source of the noise, when suddenly a huge Beedrill appeared from one of the tree’s canopies. Beedrill looked directly towards Seth and Roggenrola, eyeing up its prey. The Beedrill outstretched its pincers and dived down towards Seth like a missile falling down on a town. Seth closed his eyes, hoping that it wasn’t going to hurt. However, Seth felt Beedrill bomb past him, and quickly turned around and noticed Beedrill attacking an innocent Sewaddle. Seth watched the innocent Sewaddle back down from the attack and running away from the attacks. Seth dropped his bag and Roggenrola leaped from his shoulders, both of them were on the same wave length. They were going to save Sewaddle.

    “Don’t worry, we are going to save you,” shouted Seth, “Roggenrola, use Rock Blast on Beedrill.”

    Roggenrola nodded and started to glow in a bright white colour. The small mantle Pokemon started to shake from side to side, almost like it was trying to create something from nothing. Then suddenly, Roggenrola was surrounded by a ring of stones, the sized of tennis balls. Seth dramatically pointed his finger towards Beedrill, signalling Roggenrola to fire off the move. Roggenrola started to shake again, however this time it let out a loud cry, sending the pieces of rock flying through the warm humid weather. The rocks collided with Beedrill, sending the bug crashing into a tree trunk. Beedrill quickly recovered and hovered in the air. It held out its pincers and started to jab the air with them. All of a sudden it became apparent, thousands of small needles started to race through the air, towards Roggenrola. Seth quickly shouted to Roggenrola, “Quick, use Harden,” Roggenrola started to glow, however this time it was in a metallic silver colour, like steel. Roggenrola was now covered by a skin of armour, able to resist any attacks aimed towards Roggenrola. The small mantle Pokemon stood its ground as the pin-needles fell from the sky and slammed into Roggenrola. Roggenrola let out a cry of pain, however it didn’t look harmful. Beedrill came at Roggenrola with a different approach, up and close. Beedrill tightened itself into a torpedo shape and directed itself towards Roggenrola.

    “Roggenrola, jump onto my shoulder and leap off using Tackle,” Seth commanded Roggenrola.

    Roggenrola quickly obeyed his command and with in seconds, the small rock Pokemon leaped onto the shoulders of Seth and stared at the Beedrill, waiting for it to come closer. As soon as Beedrill was close enough, Roggenrola propelled itself from Seth’s shoulders and collided with the oncoming Beedrill. Both Pokemon crashed and fell to the floor. Seth quickly caught Roggenrola before he landed on the ground. He said to Roggenrola, who was being cradled in his arms, “You did well, thanks.”

    Seth returned Roggenrola and turned towards Beedrill. The hornet Pokemon quickly retreated away, afraid of any more conflict between them. Seth walked towards the source of the battle, Sewaddle, and bent down to the same level. The Seawaddle appreciated the work of Seth and Roggenrola, and stroked its head up and down against Seth’s leg. A wondering passer-by noticed this and quickly said to Seth, “It looks like that Sewaddle has taken quiet a fancy to you, to see if it will truly join you, place your forehead against his, if he starts to stroke your head, you’re good to go.”

    Seth thanked the passer-by and returned to Sewaddle, and slowly moved his forehead closer to the bug Pokemon. Sewaddle extended his head to meet Seth’s and started to move its head up and down. Seth smiled and stood up, removing a small spare capsule from his pocket and threw the Pokeball against Sewaddle. The ball rotated around, around. Forwards and backwards, until suddenly…



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    Default Re: The Story of Seth Kramer - Book 1 - Ready to Grade

    Claimed, even though I haven't really read it yet. xD

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    Default Re: The Story of Seth Kramer - Book 1 - Ready to Grade

    [OoG: All right, so I had a look at your other story (Life of a Magikarp). Kai did a good job hitting at most of the things to keep in mind for more complicated stories. Those concepts still apply for this story, too; you did better here than you did on that one in my personal opinion, but as always, there's room for improvement. So I'm going to try to broaden the points that were hit upon in that Grade while still making relevant points for this story.]

    Introduction:
    The boy is sleeping. RAISE THE ALARM.

    But before we get to that, let's talk about the narrator's couple of lines in the beginning of the story. Now, don't get me wrong, they're a good way of opening the story without having to force the main character into a situation that he doesn't need to be in, but this whole matter of saving the world is more than likely going to be a MAJOR plot point somewhere down the road, am I right? In that vein, sometimes it's better to keep those sorts of tidbit details hidden from our audience. Keep 'em in suspense, y'know?

    Now, obviously, this is a very broad-spectrum quest, saving the world, so it's all right for it to be where it is. Just remember, revealing very important details to your readers too early can have a pretty detrimental effect on your story as a whole. Like I said, it didn't affect this one, but...keep it in mind for later!

    So now, on to the REAL intro. I think it's well-written for this level of capture, you'll need to add a few more details if it gets more complex in the next chapter, blah blah blah copying off of Kai...BUT! I would like to point out that, even though it's written well, the intro comes across as kind of...passive-aggressive, really.

    What I mean is, the main character starts off asleep, and then the alarm goes off and its like WHOA HOLY CRAP ALARM I GOTTA GET UP AND SMASH THAT CLOCK AND I'M READY TO GO AND...then the Mom says this up the stairs:

    “Seth, Seth, today is the big day,” A female voice said from the bottom of the stairs.
    Now, I know it probably wasn't intended, but this sentence just doesn't seem to fit in with the verbs you used to describe our hero getting out of bed a sentence or two ago ("bolted", "slammed") because his Mom just sounds...disinterested. I'll talk a little more about this in the Grammar section, but let's fix up that sentence to keep the rush of adrenaline that the story now has going...

    "Seth!" A female voice called out from the bottom of the stairs. "Seth, today is the big day!"
    See how I did that? When you want to convey a feeling of excitement or a general surge in emotion, try to pick out verbs and adjectives that have a little more feeling behind them. "Said" works with most anything, but don't be afraid to use some other words to make the sentence stand out and feel more powerful...or less powerful, depending on the sentence.

    Okay, so that section was a little long...

    Plot:
    There isn't much to say here because your plot works well for the 'Monz you're going for. Of course, more Complex 'Monz will require more complexity in your stories, but YOU HEARD THIS FROM KAI ALREADY.

    So basically, keep your thinking cap handy for the more difficult stories. Let's move on!

    Dialogue:
    I think you did well here, too. One specific thing that I liked about your dialogue was that it worked with the personalities that you described. Seth's mumbling wasn't really dialogue, but it matched up with what you said about him being shy around women, and while it was a bit jarring to see Brock smoking a cigarette and acting generally disinterested (which is kind of out of character for him, from my personal view, but anyway...), his dialogue definitely reflected this change.

    So you're doing a good job here. In more complex stories, I'd definitely recommend opening up your dialogue and including more of it, since you seem to have it pretty well down.

    Grammar:
    All right, so, I have a couple things to point out here. They're more in-general, since it seemed like these mistakes were made relatively frequently throughout, so I'll try to make them as clear as possible.

    One simple thing I'd like to get out of the way quickly is that when a line of dialogue is spoken in a story, it almost always warrants a new paragraph, unless the same speaker said some lines earlier in the paragraph. So basically, whenever you have to pull out the quotation marks for someone to start speaking, start up a new paragraph.

    So the two major suggestions I had for you involved word choice and subjects. The word choice one is a relatively simple fix, too, but it happened decently often in the story where I was reading through and a word just seemed to stick out to me in the situation, like it didn't flow well with the rest of the sentence. Now, this is also going to help with fixing any accidental spelling errors that your Word processor might not have picked up, but when you're writing these stories, it might help to read them out loud to yourself, slowly, every now and again as you progress. If it feels like any of the words just don't feel right when you read it out loud, go back and see if you can find a word that works a little better in that situation.

    Now, for what I noticed about subjects...

    Seth exited the gym and started to walk south, towards the Virdian Forest. Seth had never thought of travelling through Viridian Forest, however with Roggenrola by his side, Seth was confident about anything that came his way. Within minutes, Seth was outside the entrance to Viridian Forest, there was a huge building in front, a sort of protection from invading bugs or man eating flies. Seth entered the building, with Roggenrola sitting on his shoulder, and picked up a small map of Viridian Forest. He followed his finger around the suggested route, over and over again, making sure he wasn’t going to get lost. After memorizing the route, Seth and Roggenrola made the plunge and entered the Viridian Forest.
    Seth's name saw a lot of action in this paragraph, and it didn't need to be around as much as it was. In most of these cases, you could replace his name with "he" (when referring to Seth alone) or "they" (when referring to Seth and Roggenrola as a group) and the paragraph's point would still get across just fine.

    These are little things that would add some polish to your story, and once they're fixed in one story, they'll stay fixed in the rest of your stories, as well, so they're probably the easiest place to start improving.

    Detail:
    I think you did well in this section. You described the vast majority of what was around your character, and I could visualize what was going on with little difficulty.

    Of course, I would like to bring up Kai's points from the other grade here, as well. For the Pokemon, I could get a general idea of what they looked like, but that's because I know what they looked like before I read the story. It's often better to describe these features to the reader, just so that, if they had any doubts about what they thought the Pokemon (or the human, or whatever the character was) looked like, they could be reassured that this character had a very defined image. Besides, not all Pokemon have to look exactly the same as their species picture on Bulbapedia. They could have decorations, battle scars, or even tattoos if you wanted them to! The only way you'd be able to tell us what those distinguished features were would be to describe where on their detailed body they were at. That's made easier by describing them as a whole.

    There are ways to describe them without interrupting the story, either. When the story's moving along at a good clip and you stop to show off the details of a new character or Pokemon, it kind of slows down the pace, which can be kind of jarring if your story's been moving along quickly. So, to avoid this, you can integrate these details into everyday actions of the characters. Kai called this "subtle" ways of adding details, which is the same thing.

    So, let's get an example. Let's say your Roggenrola was walking along inside a lit hallway. That's all you need to describe its features, and you could go like so: "Roggenrola took one step, then another, its rough brown feet leaving small scratch marks in the hallway floor as it walked. The blue-gray surface of its body gleamed as it passed each individual light in the hallway, all the while keeping its artifice held high, so as to pick up on the subtle sounds in the air."

    See how I put those details about its physical appearance directly into an action it was taking? That's often the easiest way to bring these details in without interrupting the flow of the story.

    One last thing: you mentioned that Seth was a young teenager. Roggenrola weighs nearly forty pounds, which is a pretty heavy burden to be carrying around on one's shoulder or even in one's arms, unless he's a football star or something. So the parts of your story where it hitches a ride somewhere on Seth's person aren't all that plausible. Perhaps replace those sections with Roggenrola walking next to him, or something of that nature.

    Battle:
    I thought your battle was done well. It was pretty two-sided, and each Pokemon mixed up its moves. The only real problem I saw with it was that it was pretty short. Now, this doesn't affect your outcome, but keep it in mind for more complex stuff, and...jeez, how many times do I have to say that in this Grade...? >_>

    Realism:
    This story took place in the Pokemon world, albeit slightly darker than the world we're used to seeing. What I'd like to suggest is that, even though you might have wanted to use Brock and Pewter City for this story, nothing was stopping you from using completely original characters. There's a certain familiarity in using characters that a lot of people are familiar with, but if you're looking for a way to spruce up your story and increase your character count, using original characters will require you to explain more about them than you would with characters we already know. Something to keep in mind.

    Length:
    Right down the middle.

    Verdict:

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    Default Re: The Story of Seth Kramer - Ready to Grade

    1…

    2…

    3…

    Kaboom.


    Chapter 3 The News



    Water fell from the sky, crashing down like a waterfall onto the innocent buildings. A hoard of people rushed forward and backwards, trying to reach some cover from the pouring rain. Within seconds, the streets were empty; the raging wind picked up litter and carried it around. A small teenager walked through the city, ignoring the pouring rain and the raging wind. He quickly glanced ahead and saw a large illuminated Pokeball in the distance. He lowered his head and battled through the stormy weather.

    The automatic doors opened and the soaking boy walked in. The water trickled down his clothes and immediately formed a large puddle. A middle-aged woman rushed towards the boy and wrapped around him a blue blanket. She looked down at him and asked, “Are you OK? What is your name?”

    The boy slowly tilted his head towards the woman and stuttered, “Seth Kramer, the next Pokemon Champion,”


    The sun rose above the dark murky forest, illuminating the small city of Viridian. The streets were still riddled with water, leaves and twigs were abandoned on the pavements. Seth slowly opened his eyes and looked to his right. He imagined seeing his small Pidgey alarm; however all he saw was a woman, wearing a pink and white ribbon threw her hair and her apron wrapped around his body. His body rose upright and he hydrated his mouth with the water on the table. He turned to woman and asked, “Where am I?”

    “Why Viridian City Pokemon Center,” she replied. She picked up the empty glass and placed it on a cleaning trolley. She returned to the boy and said, “There was a storm last night and you came in quite late, around 11pm. You were cold and wet so we treated you as soon as you arrived.” Seth looked confused and started to piece together all the information.

    However another woman, who was wearing the same uniform as the woman before Seth, shouted out loud, “Daisy, I think you should see this,” Daisy walked away from Seth and walked towards a large television, pinned to the wall. Seth turned his head around and focused on the screen.

    “The whole city is in pandemonium, citizens fleeing from the scene of the crime. 5 minuets ago, the Silph Co. building has been destroyed by an explosion from within. Reports say it was an act of terrorism from the national extremists group, called ‘Omega’. Police rushed to the scene and immediately evacuated the area. Saffron City is being evacuated and no-one is allowed back in. If you are travelling around Saffron City, beware of congestion. Kanto News will bring you up to date information as soon as we receive it. Stay Tuned.”

    The whole room was silent. The cheerful happy faces immediately subdued, drops of tears poured down the faces of the workers and after ten seconds of silence, the room was filled with questions.

    “Who would do such a thing?”

    “Why Saffron?”

    “Are we safe?”

    Seth turned around and planted his forehead against his clutched fists. He didn’t have any relatives in Saffron or even friends; however he was concerned that the violence would spread. Soon the small peaceful city of Pewter would soon be targeted. Then his mind was filled with concerning questions. Will my mum be safe? If they do attack Pewter, will anyone save them? Who is Omega?

    With all these questions filling his mind, Seth started to repack his bag, determined to find answers.


    Chapter 4 The Lotad Lowdown


    Alex walked over to Daisy, who was in a deep conversation with a fellow nurse, and said, “Excuse me,” Daisy turned around and looked at Seth, noticing that he had packed his bag. “I am going to leave now, but thank you for the bed and food.” Seth stated. Daisy smiled, her long blonde hair shinned through the emerging sunlight. Her perfume smelled of lavender and if Seth was a little bit older, he would have certainly asked her on a date. He turned his back and walked out of the door. His first steps outside were met by the cool after storm weather and the gentle wind. He ignored the weather and carried on walking towards Route 1.

    Seth started to walk along a small narrow lane, still thinking about the incident in Saffron City. It was the first terrorism attack in Kanto for 20 years, ever since a group of protesters started to burn down buildings in Celdon in anger from wage cuts and job shortages. He also began to wonder whether there were evil Pokemon who help the terrorists. Each Pokemon have their own value in life. For example, Glameow are used as house Pokemon and act as company. Whereas Pokemon for example like Growlithe, are used as police dogs to enforce the law.

    As Seth was thinking about the incident, he noticed a small pond in the distance. He walked closer, examining the wildlife surrounding the pond. Seth took an interest to the biology of Pokemon. He remembered clearly his teacher, back in high school, teaching him about the Pokemon Ecology. She was a strange teacher however her diagrams of Pokemon habitats made Seth laugh. He looked into the pond water and sighed, reminiscing of those times.

    He noticed a single small green lilypad gently floating in the water. Then the lilypad started to slowly rise from the water, like it was being pushed from below. Set took a few steps back and noticed a small blue slug underneath the lilypad. Seth knew exactly what this Pokemon was. It was Lotad, the Water Weed Pokemon. They are very common in pond-like conditions and feed on pond weed, surrounding the pond. Seth had always taken a fancy to Lotad, and always admired their final evolution, Ludicolo.

    Seth pulled out a red and white capsule from his belt and threw it into the air. A white flash occurred and then a small green caterpillar appeared before them. Seth called out to his Sewaddle, making sure he was ready for the battle. Sewaddle nodded and turned around and faced the Water Weed Pokemon. Seth evaluated the battle, picking out key advantages that could win him the battle. Lotad was a Water and Grass type, weak to Bug Pokemon, so from the start Sewaddle was in control. Seth took this battle seriously; he had to if he wanted to become the next Pokemon Champion. Seth shouted out to Sewaddle, “Sewaddle, tie up Lotad with your String Shot,”

    Sewaddle agreed and started to fire out a silk white thread from its petit mouth. The silk white thread wrapped its way around Lotad blue body, freeing up his lilypad. This was a mistake and Lotad took advantage. Lotad managed to wriggle around, moving one of the silk white threads off his eyes. It focused its energy into the lilypad, forming a bright green orb. Sewaddle looked confused; the String Shot move hadn’t worked. As soon as the move was finished, Lotad sent the bright green orb flying through the air. The green orb crashed into Sewaddle’s body and sent the small caterpillar Pokemon flying. Seth dived to his left and caught the airborne Pokemon. He looked down and Sewaddle and said, “You can do this, I believe in you,”

    Sewaddle looked up at Seth and returned to the battle, powered up by the trust Seth has in him. Sewaddle had to prove a point. The Bug Pokemon dashed forward, at blistering speed and opened its mouth. The tiny white teeth started to glow light green and also increase in size. Sewaddle crunched down hard onto Lotad, sinking in his teeth. Lotad cried with pain and shrugged Sewaddle off. Seth intervened and grabbed a spare empty Pokeball from his belt and threw it towards Lotad. The ball collided with Lotad and absorbed the Pokemon inside. The ball landed beside Sewaddle and started to roll around on the floor. Seth looked anxiously at the rolling ball, hoping it would stop any minute soon.


    ****


    “Boss, it all went as you planned. The city is in confusion, we have the professor. They won’t expect the next move,” a grunt replied.

    “Have you left the Wild Pokemon where I told you?” replied the man, who’s voice was more sophisticated that the other man.

    “Yes, Gligar will be waiting for anyone who enters Professor Oak’s lab,” The grunt replied, looking directly into the eyes of his boss, hoping to gain his approval.

    “Excellent, call forth the next team. They will go to Celdon City at once. There target is the Department Store,” commanded the man and turned around in his chair, looking up at a faded symbol, imprinted on the glass pain.

    “Yes Sir, Long live Omega!” chanted the grunt and quickly marched out of the room.

    Last edited by -Apollo-; 13th February 2012 at 08:02 AM.

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    Default Re: The Story of Seth Kramer - Book 1 - Ready to Grade

    Claiming. I'll see what I can do
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    Default Re: The Story of Seth Kramer - Book 1 - Ready to Grade

    @gmandiddy

    Introduction
    Here you start out with a trainer trying to escape the rain into a Pokemon Center where he is assisted by the staff. Personally, I loved the description of the beginning with the trainer just walking through and then declaring his intentions to the nurse. This gave Seth some sort of a determined (and somewhat of a badass) feel. This also picks up right where your previous chapter left off with Seth catching Sewaddle. Personally, the whole thing felt like a prequel to an episode. Nice work


    Plot/Battle/Climax
    So a plot summary would be Seth is traveling to Viridian City after catching his Pokemon where he finally finds some shelter and hears of an attack by the terrorist group Omega. Seth goes away from the area distraught about this rare situation and moves toward the lake where he finds a Lotad, battles it, and tried to catch it. The story ends with a riveting foretelling of the next attack by Omega.

    This story was another good way to build up your character a little more from the previous one. You have a tragic terrorist act occur and Seth begins to question if his loved ones will be ok. Also, you spill a little more of what Seth's beliefs were such as the value of Pokemon and his hobby of studying Pokebiology. That was good character development right there.

    Your plot itself was adequate for a simple story. For harder mons though, you will probably need a more complex plot. You twisted the "trainer goes looking for Pokemon plot" to a point where it wasn't boring, but at harder levels, even variants of the cliché plot have a much less chance of surviving. Overall, the story was well written though.

    The battle had its ups and downs. I like the variance in the style of moves that you had. Take string shot, for example. Some might say "It's caught on some string so its speed was reduced," but you had a completely different use for it. Nice work. However, the battle seemed kinda rushed in my opinion. Maybe exchanging a few more attacks would help liven it up.


    Dialogue
    Overall, this area was pretty strong in my opinion. I loved Seth's initial Pokemon Champion comment and this established a prideful role. Other areas that were strong included the way you had your quotes of random people spaced out. This casted an image that there was mass panic in the Kanto region, and I could really feel the fear from each person. Finally, the conversation with unknown grunts and boss shed some light on a foreboding continuation of a story. Nice work here


    Grammar
    This was definitely your weakest area. I tried to do cross sections of the big errors. I hope you realize what they cover

    The boy slowly tilted his head towards the woman and stuttered, "Seth Kramer, the next Pokemon Champion,"
    This was a recurring problem that I notice. When the quotation ends the sentence, it needs a period or another end mark regardless. The comma after Champion should be period.

    Daisy walked away from Seth and walked towards a large television, pinned to the wall.
    This was another problem I saw. Not every phrase needs a comma separating it. Adjective phrases and adverb phrases don't usually need commas. Look at each sentence closely and see if a comma would interfere with the way it reads. In this case, it does.

    "There was a storm last night and you came in quite late around 11pm.
    I saw this at least twice in the story. Independent clauses require a comma to separate them. The "and" clearly starts a new sentence in this case so a comma is needed. Also, PM should be spaced and capitalized. 11 PM is how it should read.

    5 minuets ago, the Silph Co. building has been destroyed by an explosion from within.
    Three things wrong with this one. First, never start a sentence with a number unless it's over 1000. Also, I believe minuets should be minutes. Just a typo though. Lastly, your verb tense is off. "has been" is present perfect tense and you needed a past tense here. Ultimately, it should read like this. "Five minutes ago, the Silph Co. building was destroyed by an explosion from within."

    He imagined seeing his small Pidgey alarm; however all he saw was a woman, wearing a pink and white ribbon threw her hair and her apron wrapped around his body.
    I believe through was the word you were looking for. Also, I think his should be her if you were describing the woman

    Set took a few stpes back and noticed a small blue slug underneath the lilypad.
    I think Seth was the work you were looking for

    "Have you left the Wile Pokemon where I told you?" replied the man, who's voice was more sophisticated than the other men.
    "who's" should be whose. That contraction means "who is."

    Those were the clearly noticeable errors I could spot. Ultimately, the somewhat interfered with your story telling, but the story wasn't unreadable. Work on this a little more.


    Reality
    Nothing unreal here. Terrorist attack, trainer trying to be Pokemon master, Lotad emerging from a pond. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary (in a good way).


    Detail
    Your details were relatively strong. I loved the descriptions of the people Seth met as well as the appearance of Lotad. You also described your attacks well and made sure that everything conveyed was what you were trying to convey. I also saw that when describing Daisy, you revealed the details while keeping the plot moving. Phrases like "her long blonde hair shined through the emerging sunlight" work very well describing things. Keep using details like that and you're good.

    Outcome
    URPG Member, Approver, Senior Referee, Grader, Ranger and Judge

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